Mrshat

As a child I have one very vivid memory, my dad drinking and being nasty and angry with my mum!!

As an adult when I think of my childhood this is what I remember. And for me what makes it worse is this is what my kids will remember. How many others feel worse for the pain their kids feel than the pain we feel living with an alchohlic? I tried for years not to let my kids here and see the violent outbursts see the smashing up of our home, but for the last few years I have been unable to hide it. They have seen and heard the most terrible things and still I took him back. Time after time I took him back. Well this time I have stuck to my resolve I have done nothing about moving on but refuse to move back. I have to thanks my kids for that, they have in a warped kind of way saved me from going back. He has always been a great dad, provider but a terrible drunk, but when he shows me a complete lack of respect and terrorises me and them he is no longer safe for us. So for this I thank my kids without them I would be broken. With them I will heal.

thislonelygirl

I know exactly how you feel. My ah is a terrible terrible terrible drunk....you would think with his behavior that alone would be enough to quit...if you cant hold your liquor or your tongue you shouldnt drink. sadly no resolution with that.
I am sorry about your childhood and further more sorry for the pains you have gone through.....Realizing however the childhood you had YOU are making the best future for your kids by giving them the life you didnt have. memories you should have had and a happy mom you wished you had.
he can still be a good dad further from yall and if he gets sober....an even better one. hopefully that happens but if it never does they will need you to be both mom and dad to lean on. i applaud you and hope for the best

Tuffgirl

Stay strong MrsHat. Or is it MrShat? ; ) Just dawned on me it could be a funny wordplay that way!

Let your kids be the reason you are forging a new life without alcoholic rage. If that is what works for you - let it work. They will be thankful when they are older.

Peace,
~T

Pelican

Ha! I was thinking the same thing!

Mrshat, thank you for giving an update. You sound strong in your resolve. Good on you!

My children were a powerful motivation in my ending my relationship with my alcoholic husband. I had a son and a daughter still living in our home. I felt that I was giving a poor relationship example by staying.

I did not want my son treating his future relationship partners the way I was being treated.
I did not want my daughter to accept the unacceptable behavior I was accepting in her future relationships.
I wanted more for them, and I wanted more for my one precious life.

Sending encouragement and support your way!

onlyliveonce

My son is 17 and if I had had any good sense back then I would have ran away as fast as I could. His dad and I were married for over 20 yrs. and divorced 3 yrs. ago. We got back together about 4 months ago. Broke up 1 month ago and he is now shacked up with a 23 yr. old....we are both 40 BTW. Anyway the kids really do have more sense than we do sometimes. When I told son we broke up he says "yea, ya'll divorced 3 yrs. ago". He doesn't have much at all to do with dad because of either his actions and broken promises. Son doesn't expect anythig from him...has no interest in even seeing him and won't answer his calls.

While he was growing up I didn't down his dad cause I knew one day he would figure it out himself and form his own opinion about dad. That is exactly what happened and he has no use for him. It's sad but it's better for him to have one sane parent than an alcoholic as a parent. I think alot of it is selfishness but I hate to see son not have a father he can count on. It is what it is! I told ex hubby one day this would happen if he didn't reach out and try to connect emotionally with son.

Ex is not in tune or at peace with his own self so how could he even be capable of giving son what he needs. He doesn't love his own self. I have learned over the years that the most important thing is our safety. You are not in a normal realtionship when your partner is an alcoholic. You can't have a healthy relationship with them. I was so sick being co-dependant with him. As each day goes by I am thanful things have happened the way they did. Sometimes God moves people out of your life for a reason....don't run after them.

Mrshat

Good morning. After an almost full nights sleep I have just read all your replies and am so grateful for your support. I find it quite difficult to post on here as my words never seem to come out right. It is mrs Hat btw. What I did not put on last nights post was the terrible events leading up to it. My ah have been on off for almost 6 years, but for the last 6 months almost always off. He goes sobers up shows me the man again I fell in love with we allow him back then he drinks again. Like so many of you the personality change over the years as a result of the alcohol is almost as bad if not worse than the drinking itself. The anger the frustration the paranoia is unbearable. I came to the conclusion in the last 6 months that we can no longer live with him but he terrorises me when he's gone, so basically he won't allow me to live without him. This last time however after only being allowed home for 3 days I have stuck to my guns and decided enough is enough!! So around 8 days ago he changed did not drink and became almost perfect but still I won't allow him home, so then he must have started to drink again and yesterday was very offhand with me in my shop ( incidentally was meant to be our shop) he was very off with a male customer as he believes I am sleeping with most of the male customers. He went to his temp home and against my better judgment I went to visit. He was very angry I am very wrong and the violence and aggression started again. The outcome was I came home, several hours later he followed me here threatened to break me finacially then left after ripping our almost brand new huge tv from the wall and punching it. Several minutes later he came back but I refused to allow him in so he completely smashed the outer pane of glass in our front door and snapped my rear wiper off my car (only replaced last week from last time). The police took ages to get here but turned up arrested him and took him away. They let him out with a caution and he was very remorseful AGAIN!! Am I glad I did not allow him home, who do I thanks for that? My children without them none of this would be worthwhile. Sorry for the huge post but just wanted to try to explain. Just one last thing. Over the years I have second guessed almost every move I make shrunk inside when he is around. I am a good person, a loyal friend, a good mother the life and soul of any party and he when he is drinking hates that as he has no friends and has to drink to get by. I must have an ulterior motive for wanting him gone, new man in the wings, new life on the horizon. Not that I am so worn out from the years of abuse that it is better to be alone with my children who incidently are both older teenagers.

onlyliveonce

He is showing you who he is: a violent person ....and this is not good for you in any capacity...much less the kids. My son saw alot in his younger years but these days I show him how I want to be treated by how I allow others to treat me. I know the true heartbreak associated with being married to an alcoholic. It hurts....but it hurts more to stay and deal with the crap!!

I chose to go no contact with my ex caused that's what's best for me. Son is one month away from being 18 so ex can contact him directly if he wants to see or talk to him. Ex doesnt do either and to me and son that speaks volumes. Oh well his loss cause we have a pretty awesome kid. I know for me I used son as an excuse to stay and try harder or again but in the end it's just worse for all involved. The most important thing for me today is my well being and our safety and I will do whatever necessary to protect both.

Many hugs and much encouragement coming your way today. Dig deep you are much stronger than you ever thought when having to deal with an alcoholic spouse.

ShootingStar1

MrsHat, I am concerned that you and your children are not physically safe and that your AH's violence will escalate. When you say he was aggressive and violent with you when you went to his temporary home, what does that mean? Has he physically harmed you or anyone else?

He is stalking you by following you home. He is breaking and entering when you refuse to allow him in the house and he breaks down the door. He is vandalizing when he smashes your TV.

This is scary to me. Your AH does not seem to have any boundaries at all and he is violent, aggressive, paranoid, and jealous beyond reason.

If I were you, I would be preparing to leave and go to a safe place with my children in a moment's notice. If you call the domestic violence people in your town, they can tell you how to do this.

As to the police just slapping his hand, I would go to a lawyer first thing Monday morning and get counsel on what your legal rights are and how to protect you and your family. You may need a restraining order, or it may be possible for you to press charges and get him off the street to keep you and your kids safe.

Make sure you have a bank account and credit card in your name only so that you have access to funds if you need them. Pack a bag for each person, get extra medicine, get a carrier for pets; just be ready if you need to leave so that you can do it quickly and safely. It is better to be prepared for something that never happens - and that is what I hope this will be - than not to be prepared when you need it.

Please take care; he sounds like a loaded gun.

ShootingStar1

Mrshat

Thank you for all your support and I take on on board all the great advice. I am strong and will speak to a solicitor as soon as they open in the morning.

lillamy

Mrs. Hat -- you are doing a good thing for your children and yourself. But you already know that. Big hugs.