owathu

You were all there back in the end of July when all hell broke loose. It's almost December, and I find myself, over it.

I had a bad November, and a really angry September and October. Now, December is here in a few hours and I literally tried to be sad about what happened, and I am left with. Nothing. No emotion, no sadness, no nothing.

I come back here everyday, read a bit, and just think to myself, I can't make myself care anymore. I just can't. I try, but there is nothing there anymore, no, nothing. No emotion about the devastation that was wrought a mere 4 months ago. More of a, "Yeah, I was married once..." kind of thing. A casual conversation.

I try and remember why I was so attracted to him, what it was about our dynamic, and, nothing. I saw him a month ago or so and I cringed. He had just become so unattractive to me.

This is a man I would have died for, for the last decade. And in less than 6 months, I'm over it?

I almost didn't post this, because posting denotes caring? Right? Problem is, I don't care anymore. I'm just, DONE. I guess I am trying to make sense of it, because for 10 years, my only thought was, how do I get AH to be present and love me like he says he does? Even typing that makes me cringe.

Maybe I just reached my tolerance. And boy, I need to re-calibrate if my tolerance level is that high!

EnglishGarden

I call it "a neutral place" in my own experience. And I don't think there is anything unhealthy about you coming to your neutral place in a six-month period.

It's good you are doing better.

Fathom

I get it. That was me. That is still me. VERY few things have made me cry in the last few months. I'm not sure I shed any tears at all from April through August - for me, my XAH, or anyone else for that matter. I left last November, and I was a mess back then! The thing that makes me cry now is that I left without my cat.

The thing is, I'm not really over it. Back in April, i finally figured out that I needed to focus on myself and let my XAH worry about himself. I had a lot to do to get the pieces of my life to fit back together again. So, I did that, and I felt pretty numb to anything that wasn't immediately requiring my attention. When I would start to feel angry or sad about something, I would ask myself, "is this life-threatening to me or someone I love?" The answer was always no. So, if it wasn't urgent, it didn't need my attention. I started to feel like the last ten years were lived by someone distantly related to myself. Like, somehow, I ended up with all of her memories. It felt very surreal.

Now that things are calming down somewhat, and I'm settling in to a stable life of my own making... Things pop up. My guard is down, and something reminds me of something, and then I feel sad, or confused, or annoyed, or angry, or disappointed. Well, I'm learning that I only process emotions when I'm ready to. I had too many to deal with at first, so I had to put a cap on it until I was stronger. Now that I'm feeling more secure, I understand that part of truly moving on is coming to terms with all the different positive and negative emotions that surround the last ten years of my life with my XAH. I have to own those memories again, but take the time to file them away into neat categories - "good," "bad," "learning opportunity," etc.

Give yourself more time to just be... Neutral. I think that is very healing after the level of chaos we just experienced. Just be. It's a process.

Take care,
Fathom

BobbyJ

Nope, not a monster.....
Its all part of it...Some days and some months are good..Then boom, something
will hit you and either you will fall or you rise
Everyone takes the same ride, just a different bus

If I recall, Ive had 2 rides, just like yours in the last 2 years....
Hang on
and be gentle on yourself...enjoy the peace

onlythetruth

You are not a monster. Or if you are, I am too, because at the end of my own first marriage I was so done I had nothing left. I think it was because I tried so hard for so long. In any case, when I was done, I was truly done.

Friends told me that this would pass and that I would come to miss him after the divorce. But I never did. The relationship was dead...and there was just nothing left.

I thought for a time that there must be something wrong with me, too, that I was "supposed" to feel differently...but I don't think that anymore. Experiences vary: that's all any of us can say.

LifeRecovery

I have also found that I have had a lot of emotions come up as the crisis of the situation has settled down.

There is room and space for them now, and they are less about my ex, and more about me.

I was grateful for the neutral place, just don't heap guilt or anything else on yourself if more emotions come up later...it is not that you are not healing or working it....it is what you are able to access at the moment.

thislonelygirl

being tired of the monster inside him does NOT make you a monster too.

Tuffgirl

Hugs, owathu, you are not a monster! You are a burned-out human being who has been pushed to the bounds of tolerance.

Hang in there,
~T

BlueSkies1

Well, let's see...hmmm. Now let's pretend you are your old self, the one that struggled for those ten years. Let's pretend it's several years ago, she's on this forum reading, and comes across a post such as the one you just wrote.
Green-eyed monster a little?
I know I would have been...heck, maybe still am a little. I'm not quite to the point of neutrality, to put it nicely.

We're monsters when we think we can change them...it turns us into monsters...monsters of frustration. You've gained...ACCEPTANCE!

Now look at that avatar you have. Ah...so much better than agonizing over someone that you simply can't control. I like your avatar. I'd much rather think about that oceanfront scene than wallow in misery.

Who's jealous of whom? The you NOW...is she jealous of the miserable woman of your past? NOT! Although the woman of your past would be jealous of you today...so RUN WITH IT...OVER IT...What beautifully peaceful words of serenity.....

Kassie2

My vote is: not a monster just dealing with the truth the way you know best.

It may be seen as a time of relief from the drama and a place where you are starting over one step at a time.

Be kind to yourself. Do something that makes you feel good today.

inpieces314

Eventually you may feel something, like acceptance.

Stages of grief: I think you are working through them. Good.

Some people may disagree with me, but I would rather feel nothing at all than anger, hate, despair, whatever.

BlueSkies1

for me, my soul needed a rest from the extreme emotions. It wasn't a bad thing. I think I ran out of the extreme emotions...simply felt like I'd used them all up. My heart said no more...enough. stop obsessing, stop analyzing, stop feeling the bad worrying...let it go. LIsten to the silence, you might hear something new in awhile.

NYCDoglvr

It's true in the sense that you're starting to care about yourself. You've waged a very tough battle and it's normal to question why all the painful feelings are gone. You don't love him, like him, trust him or respect him any longer. You had your feelings and now it's time go start having a great life that nurtures you! Thanks for your posting ... it's a great power of example for those who are contemplating the journey.

ZiggyB

Definitely you are not a monster and anyway there is no time table for getting over these things.

I am still not over my broken heart... it's been almost 5 months and I wish I was. It was a very rough ending and it will probably always hurt me to some degree.

ShootingStar1

You are not a monster. Not at all. You feel what you feel, and that is just how it is. There are no requirements for grief or anger or whatever. There are no timelines either.

Right now, I am feeling that divorce is like a surgeon excising a piece of dead tissue.

Not a lot of feeling there, either. It is what it is.

ShootingStar1

CentralOhioDad

I don't think you're a monster. I'm heading to the point where you are, and I'm still married! I just don't really care about her anymore, and we still share the same household and we have a child. But my feelings for her as a wife and partner have been slowly fading away over the past 9'ish months.

So, don't feel bad. Feel happy for yourself.

C-OH Dad