New comer... alcoholic husband, advice/comfort welcomed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Hampton, VA
Posts: 1
New comer... alcoholic husband, advice/comfort welcomed.
Hi all... not sure where to begin but I've been married to my husband for almost six years and we've been together for 9 (since we were young teenagers). I'm 25 and he's 27, we have three children (ages 6, 3 and 2) and we're expecting another May of next year.
Everything would be perfect except that my husband has been an alcoholic for the past six years. I married him not knowing this; he drank at work so he was almost two years in before I was actually aware he had a severe problem.
To try to make this as short as possible, my husband joined the Navy in 2009 and I soon became pregnant with our second child. This is where things began to spiral horribly. His drinking escalated to a point that made it unsafe for me to live with him. I moved to Florida to be with him while he was in Navy A school (we're from GA) but constantly found myself back home with my parents. He would get drunk and bust everything inside our house. Once, he got drunk and refused to go back to base. I knew he'd be in a lot of trouble so I tricked him into getting into the car... when we were nearing the entry gate, he jumped from the vehicle. I stopped the car and he got in and we drove to his barracks, where he got out. It was dark so I didn't realize he was injured. Later, I get a call from MPs telling me I had to come to the base to answer questions. At 2 am, my young son and I went to the base and they asked me if I pushed my husband from the car. When they realized I was pregnant and a lot smaller than my husband, they knew he was lying; I also made sure they knew he was highly intoxicated. He spent a few days in the hospital and the event was swept under the rug.
Later, at my husband's duty station in VA, he got drunk on base with friends and then drove our car and wrecked it. To top it off, he fell asleep in the car in a police parking lot on base and was later arrested when they found him. He didn't get kicked out of the military but did face punishments by not only the Navy but in court. It cost us thousands, including fines, docked pay and the deductible to have our car fixed. This didn't get him kicked him out.
In 2011, he went on deployment and six months in, they did a search of the ship and found liquor bottles in my husband's locker. This is what finally did it for the Navy and he was sent home a few months later after his captain's mast. He was officially discharged and by this time, we had three children. It left us with hardly any money as I only worked part-time.
In between all these events, my husband drank nearly every day, spending nearly all our money on liquor. Things got so bad that I was continually calling my parents to borrow money for diapers and food. My husband was also physically abusive, was arrested twice for public intoxication and was/is a very bad parent. I contacted the Navy for help but my husband, being the good manipulator that he is, blamed it on me.
But here we are now, nearly a year later - my husband is still a drunk. He can go for a few weeks not drinking to appease me but as soon as something happens that he doesn't like, he resumes his old ways. I found him drunk on the couch last night. He works a crappy job at a junk yard (one of the few places that would give a chance with his work history and record littered with drinking charges), where he drinks there. I hold everything together as best I can. I go to college and work part-time at a museum but at this point, the only reason I haven't left is financial.
I don't know what kind of advice I need... or what I need to do. I'm at the end of my rope but I'll soon (foolishly) have a fourth child and because I'm not finished with my degree (a year to go), I can't support them alone.
I suppose it would feel good to just know that I'm not alone in dealing with this. It hurts so much; I only keep it together because my kids need one stable parent.
Everything would be perfect except that my husband has been an alcoholic for the past six years. I married him not knowing this; he drank at work so he was almost two years in before I was actually aware he had a severe problem.
To try to make this as short as possible, my husband joined the Navy in 2009 and I soon became pregnant with our second child. This is where things began to spiral horribly. His drinking escalated to a point that made it unsafe for me to live with him. I moved to Florida to be with him while he was in Navy A school (we're from GA) but constantly found myself back home with my parents. He would get drunk and bust everything inside our house. Once, he got drunk and refused to go back to base. I knew he'd be in a lot of trouble so I tricked him into getting into the car... when we were nearing the entry gate, he jumped from the vehicle. I stopped the car and he got in and we drove to his barracks, where he got out. It was dark so I didn't realize he was injured. Later, I get a call from MPs telling me I had to come to the base to answer questions. At 2 am, my young son and I went to the base and they asked me if I pushed my husband from the car. When they realized I was pregnant and a lot smaller than my husband, they knew he was lying; I also made sure they knew he was highly intoxicated. He spent a few days in the hospital and the event was swept under the rug.
Later, at my husband's duty station in VA, he got drunk on base with friends and then drove our car and wrecked it. To top it off, he fell asleep in the car in a police parking lot on base and was later arrested when they found him. He didn't get kicked out of the military but did face punishments by not only the Navy but in court. It cost us thousands, including fines, docked pay and the deductible to have our car fixed. This didn't get him kicked him out.
In 2011, he went on deployment and six months in, they did a search of the ship and found liquor bottles in my husband's locker. This is what finally did it for the Navy and he was sent home a few months later after his captain's mast. He was officially discharged and by this time, we had three children. It left us with hardly any money as I only worked part-time.
In between all these events, my husband drank nearly every day, spending nearly all our money on liquor. Things got so bad that I was continually calling my parents to borrow money for diapers and food. My husband was also physically abusive, was arrested twice for public intoxication and was/is a very bad parent. I contacted the Navy for help but my husband, being the good manipulator that he is, blamed it on me.
But here we are now, nearly a year later - my husband is still a drunk. He can go for a few weeks not drinking to appease me but as soon as something happens that he doesn't like, he resumes his old ways. I found him drunk on the couch last night. He works a crappy job at a junk yard (one of the few places that would give a chance with his work history and record littered with drinking charges), where he drinks there. I hold everything together as best I can. I go to college and work part-time at a museum but at this point, the only reason I haven't left is financial.
I don't know what kind of advice I need... or what I need to do. I'm at the end of my rope but I'll soon (foolishly) have a fourth child and because I'm not finished with my degree (a year to go), I can't support them alone.
I suppose it would feel good to just know that I'm not alone in dealing with this. It hurts so much; I only keep it together because my kids need one stable parent.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Others will be along to offer their ES&H (experience, strength, and hope).You are not alone. You are not the only one who has been through the cycle of alcoholism. You are not the only one who has hoped for a miracle that he would just stop drinking. You are not the only one who has been abused. We have been there, too, and we understand your pain.
You are not alone, and you do not deserve to be abused and neglected.I'm glad you found us.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Please pull out your keyboard and make yourself at home. Keep reading, posting and venting when you need. We understand.
I'm sorry you feel so hopeless. I too felt that way about living with my alcholic husband. I also felt that since I had been a SAHM (stay at home mom) I would not be able to support myself and my children.
You mentioned that you can't afford to leave because of finances. Is it possible that your alcoholic is actually costing you more than he is contributing to the household?
I found that by getting a couple free consultations with local lawyers, I was able to determine what my rights were in our state/community as a wife and mother to our child. After learning the facts, I was better able to put together a plan for a better future for myself and my children.
Please understand, we don't arrive in these situations overnight. It is more like a frog in a pot of water, we don't realize the heat is being turned up because it is so gradual. The unacceptable behaviors are like the heat under the pot, they keep intensifying until we feel like it is too late.
It is not too late for you to begin to find hope for yourself. Alanon meetings, time here at SR and self-improvements really helped me to find hope again.
Some of our stories are posted in the sticky posts at the top of this main forum page. I always find inspiration in those posts. One post in particular helped me when I was living with active alcoholism in my home. I followed each step in the following article, here is a link to the article on SR that helped me:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Please pull out your keyboard and make yourself at home. Keep reading, posting and venting when you need. We understand.
I'm sorry you feel so hopeless. I too felt that way about living with my alcholic husband. I also felt that since I had been a SAHM (stay at home mom) I would not be able to support myself and my children.
You mentioned that you can't afford to leave because of finances. Is it possible that your alcoholic is actually costing you more than he is contributing to the household?
I found that by getting a couple free consultations with local lawyers, I was able to determine what my rights were in our state/community as a wife and mother to our child. After learning the facts, I was better able to put together a plan for a better future for myself and my children.
Please understand, we don't arrive in these situations overnight. It is more like a frog in a pot of water, we don't realize the heat is being turned up because it is so gradual. The unacceptable behaviors are like the heat under the pot, they keep intensifying until we feel like it is too late.
It is not too late for you to begin to find hope for yourself. Alanon meetings, time here at SR and self-improvements really helped me to find hope again.
Some of our stories are posted in the sticky posts at the top of this main forum page. I always find inspiration in those posts. One post in particular helped me when I was living with active alcoholism in my home. I followed each step in the following article, here is a link to the article on SR that helped me:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
Im sorry to hear this...
It sure sounds like you need a break. Do you have any family that you could
go stay with for awhile and give her mind a break?
Its exhausting living like that. Ive been there too.
Keep on posting, you might not read or understand everything that is posted by others
but sometimes venting to others who understand and who have been thru
what you have,.... is a gift to yourself
It sure sounds like you need a break. Do you have any family that you could
go stay with for awhile and give her mind a break?
Its exhausting living like that. Ive been there too.
Keep on posting, you might not read or understand everything that is posted by others
but sometimes venting to others who understand and who have been thru
what you have,.... is a gift to yourself
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Cleveland Ohio
Posts: 133
we have three children (ages 6, 3 and 2) and we're expecting another May of next year.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
My heart goes out to you. It sounds like the only effect your AH has on your family is negative, financial and emotional. You and the children are living with feat and anticipation of intimidation and violence.
Can I suggest that from a practical POV, that you use your time before the baby is born to draw on all the resources you can muster? I'm not familiar with what is available free or for low cost in the US; others can help you more with that. But please start making your plans for yours and your children's sake.
Can I suggest that from a practical POV, that you use your time before the baby is born to draw on all the resources you can muster? I'm not familiar with what is available free or for low cost in the US; others can help you more with that. But please start making your plans for yours and your children's sake.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
So sorry this has happened to you and welcome to the forum.
I know you said you are from GA - I live here to. There are some great programs here for single mom's including peach care (insurance and child care) as well as medicaid.
Keep posting there are so many caring wonderful people on SR.
I know you said you are from GA - I live here to. There are some great programs here for single mom's including peach care (insurance and child care) as well as medicaid.
Keep posting there are so many caring wonderful people on SR.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
"I go to college and work part-time at a museum but at this point, the only reason I haven't left is financial.' (tnjw08)
^^^^^^^ You stay for financial reasons^^^^^ Sometimes our stinkin thinkin gets confused riding the crazytrain 24/7. From the outside I see your situation as the opposite. Here is a guy, who is drinking up your kids food, clothes and diaper money.
My heart hurts for you and your babies. Please reach out to any/all organizations for help. This is way too much for you alone to have to endure, but only you can get you and your kids to a safe and healthy enviroment. Get proactive in YOUR life. If nothing changes, well nothing changes.
We will be here to support you, as you sort out your troubled life.
^^^^^^^ You stay for financial reasons^^^^^ Sometimes our stinkin thinkin gets confused riding the crazytrain 24/7. From the outside I see your situation as the opposite. Here is a guy, who is drinking up your kids food, clothes and diaper money.
My heart hurts for you and your babies. Please reach out to any/all organizations for help. This is way too much for you alone to have to endure, but only you can get you and your kids to a safe and healthy enviroment. Get proactive in YOUR life. If nothing changes, well nothing changes.
We will be here to support you, as you sort out your troubled life.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
I'm so sorry for the situation that brought you here, TNJW08, but can tell you that this is the right place for you to find understanding and support. Keep coming here, learn more about alcoholism and codependency, and take care of yourself.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Everything you said is close to home for me.
Ah was never in the military and He still remains to keep a good job though the fear that it will get worse and his job will not end well does come in my head.
Me and My ah are the same age as you and your husband.
I have two children Not four and understand fully the stresses of raising kids while living with an alcoholic.
My ah Has had multiple drunken charges, two arrests just recently , one being a dui which he has yet to be sentenced for and he too has been an raging drunk.
I too am at the end of my rope as well.....though it seems everytime i say that...i take two steps back and one step forward as i am still trying to detach myself.
i agree with others.....perhapse family friends or rescources can help?
I completely understand your fears and hesitation with leaving to become a single parent which just makes the stresses financially painful but only you can say for sure if the pain fo staying is worse than the pains of going and i wish you the best in your journey
Ah was never in the military and He still remains to keep a good job though the fear that it will get worse and his job will not end well does come in my head.
Me and My ah are the same age as you and your husband.
I have two children Not four and understand fully the stresses of raising kids while living with an alcoholic.
My ah Has had multiple drunken charges, two arrests just recently , one being a dui which he has yet to be sentenced for and he too has been an raging drunk.
I too am at the end of my rope as well.....though it seems everytime i say that...i take two steps back and one step forward as i am still trying to detach myself.
i agree with others.....perhapse family friends or rescources can help?
I completely understand your fears and hesitation with leaving to become a single parent which just makes the stresses financially painful but only you can say for sure if the pain fo staying is worse than the pains of going and i wish you the best in your journey
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