LoveMeNow

My therapist has been helping me with better communications skills. Little techniques have allowed me to have several long, deep conversations with my husband without any conflict. We have been able to resolve potential conflicts like 2 mature adults once again.

On Monday, my husband had 2 molars surgically removed. Something he had been dreading. He was given Vicodin and immediately handed them over to his friend. I was later surprised when it occurred to me, I hadn't become anxious or "involved" at all. In fact, I had completely forgot about it. I had spent the day shopping and really enjoyed myself. My husband later shared that he was given 16 pills, took 7 over over 2 days and believed that Ibuprofen was all he needed at this point. He was very proud of the way he handled this situation. I told him that he should be and it was dropped.

He has been very loving, very thoughtful and humble for a while now. I will spare you all the details, lol. Then yesterday, the anxiety hit me. I started to question it. Is my reality real? Is this all true?

In the past, I noticed a pattern, when he was taking pills, he would become very loving and very helpful. One day, I was telling my Godchild all about it and she told me to becareful...it was a big red flag of guilt...based on her experience when she was using. Soon after, I discovered she was right and he was taking pills.

Yesterday, I saw my therapist and explained my feelings. She thought they were very normal and understandable. She didn't think it was my codieness. Later, I came home and discussed it with my husband.

He assured me "it was real." Said he was not taking pills, had no desire too and only took 7 for the pain, he stopped at 7 because feared any kind of withdrawals again. He is continuing his meetings, step work, etc.

I explained to him that If I found out this was not real, I would not be able to rebound from this again. It would be "crazy making" at its finest and I would not ever do that to myself again.

I have decided to keep the focus on me, enjoy the peace, laughter and joy in my heart and give my anxieties over to God.

I know more will be revealed. And if all this is "fake" - I will be DONE. There will be no more chances, no explanations, no justifications. He assured me he would never hurt me again that way, he would not mess with my mind or sanity and I pray he is telling the truth. He understands and realizes I still have trust issues because of his actions, he wishes he could change that now but realizes it will take time.

The man I met and married was not an addict. He was kind, loving and thoughtful. I pray that is the man I am seeing now.

It is still very painful that some of what I thought were wonderful, romantic times were in fact, while he was taking pills. He is just now starting to express his understanding why I considered those times "fake" and was not real. Some of my friends do not understand it and that is OK, it's not theirs to understand.

But have any of you ever thought it was "fake" ?

grateful6982

I am going through this at the moment as well. It's nice to know I am not the only one who gets scared when things are going good. I am attempting to do as you are, focus on my own issues and enjoy the peace for once. It is very hard not to wrap myself up in the anxiety and worry of him relapsing though. I wish you the best and hope that both of our current states are reality

Freedom1990

We do the best with what we have, dear. What you have just stated shows growth in your own recovery!

My job is ending January 1st (just found out Wednesday) as my client is moving closer to family, which is good. He is in very poor health.

My first reaction was that punch in the gut followed by high anxiety. I've turned it over now.

I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other, doing what I am supposed to do.

I have no doubt I will take that anxiety back more than once, but I realize it quicker these days and hand it right back to God.

You are doing great!

LoveMeNow

To clarify - I didnt tell him I would be done. I told myself, my therapist, and of all you. I know a there are a few that will hold me accountable to my word, lol. I will hold me accountable.

Oddly, I am not scared of a relapse anymore! I just won't live a lie ever again.

ETA - Thank you Freedom. When one doors closes, another door opens. Keep the faith!

MiSoberbio

In regards to the good times being "fake," I know that fear that you're talking about, but feel that my companion (who is a substance addict) was genuine in spirit for those moments, even though there quite possibly could have been manipulation and false motives mixed in at the same time. Although we all know the insanity that substance addiction generates, I think it's important to recognize the humanity in our addicted loved ones, even though the substances *are* suppressing regions of the brain that help make them human.

Currently, my companion and I are in a very rough patch, in terms of our relationship. He's in rehab and I'm not sure how things will work out for us, as a couple, but I want to share something he said to me recently. As we were trying to avoid talking about "us" (which is a bowl of anxiety and doesn't help him in his recovery right now), he abruptly said to me, "I don't know who I am... Maybe somewhere deep down there's a part of me that's the real me, but I just can't see it... Maybe YOU can see it, but I can't."

There was real anguish on his face, and all I could say was that he needs to become a friend of time and be patient with himself... and keep working on it.

I guess what I'm saying is that the illness of addiction, coupled with the chemical imbalance and physical damage to the cerebrum brought on by the substances, is something that affects a person so profoundly that we need to really respect their struggle when they start walking a path of recovery, while keeping ourselves focused on our own recovery. I know that's hard – in my case I sometimes feel so frustrated, but that's because I have my own issues that I need to work on, as well.

In a nutshell, I say that the good times were real, that the expressions of love were sincere, but I cannot deny that the substances didn't have a presence... There were also some horrible, horrible moments and those I must accept, as well, as real. In my experience, I have encountered many partners of persons addicted to substances and they have found a way to make it work, but only when both are fully invested in their own recovery. I'm hoping that I'll be able to count myself among them, someday.

laurie6781

Exactly (((((MiSoberbio)))))

When I first found recovery from alcohol and drugs, and even for quite a while into
recovery, I did NOT know who I really was. Oh I had this 'events', 'things', etc
flashing through my mine, but I did NOT know me, what I liked, what I disliked, about
food, life, movies, music, everything.

I did understand when it was explained to me that we A's while practicing do not have
relationships, we take our significant other HOSTAGE. Yes we take hostages.

It sounds like you have a good understanding of what is going on with him, now what
are you doing for you?

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care.

Love and hugs,

bluebelle

Yes. I have experienced that with my RABF when he was using pain pills. I see it a bit now that he is on Suboxone. If RABF gets really nice and helpful, I feel concerned. It's not that he isn't normally nice--he is. It's just that when he was on pain pills, he became really helpful and super nice. He was feeling good from the drugs. I think he did some things out of guilt, too.

So, I know what you mean.

It sounds like you had the right idea by feeling good and not worrying about whether or not he was taking his pain pills as prescribed. I know how hard it is to feel that a relationship is fake, or feelings are fake based on drugs. I've seen where they say what would you do if your addict wasn't on drugs? It sounds like you did that--went shopping and had fun. That's what is important. We have to take care of ourselves.

I'm really trying hard to work on living in the moment--not brewing on the past, or obsessing about the future. It's not easy, and it really is a learning process. It helps me to meditate, or to walk. I really try to pay attention to everything I'm sensing--including my feelings.

I also keep on trying to remind myself about remembering the difference between what I can change and what I can't change.

Do you ever read the ACOA daily affirmations? I have a book of them (on Kindle). I read that along with the Language of Letting go daily affirmations.

Take care.

story74

I question what was fake all the time. I seie that he knew I was nice, logical and diplomatic and used that against me. I realize now that I put up with A LOT of unecessary ****. He was very immature and very manipulative. He always knew how to get his way. Ours was not mature love.

hello-kitty

The first thought in my mind was what happened to the other 9 pills? Sorry, maybe that's my codieness or my distrust for addicts when it comes to pills. Not that there's anything wrong with that. And the issue wouldn't be the number of pills he took, but lying about it.

Either way, it's his recovery. His problem to focus on.

I guess the point is that whatever happens, you didn't cause it. you can't control it. you can't cure it.

You will know by his actions. So if he is sweet and loving, enjoy it - just for today. As the title of your thread says, "more will be revealed."

MiSoberbio

I want to correct something: I wrote "I say that the good times were real, that the expressions of love were sincere, but I cannot deny that the substances didn't have a presence..." but my intention was to say that I cannot deny that the substances DID have a presence. I was trying to make it clear that although I choose to believe that the good times weren't fake, I can't ignore that drugs were part of the equation, and so that tempers my feelings a bit...

I also should say that there were times when my companion blatantly lied and manipulated me, using our relationship as a tool, and that level of betrayal shocked me most profoundly... but as I learn to detach from my companion with love, I can look back and see how those times were also among his worst in terms of his drug use.

Right now I'm in a sort of limbo with him – waiting to see how he progresses in his recovery. In my own recovery, I'm working harder than ever on it, and experiencing big changes on an almost daily basis. I started going to Nar-Anon two years ago, and then started personal therapy 6 months ago, and during the past two months there's been a sea change in the way I think and the way I respond to the world. I know that my recovery is an ongoing process, and that I'll always have something inside me that I need to keep an eye on, but when I think back on how I was before I went to my first Nar-Anon meeting* and how I feel now, I can only be grateful.


*I don't think that Nar-Anon is responsible for my recovery –– that has always been my job. I just need to acknowledge that that was the group where I found common ground, and that helped me help myself. There are other groups out there, as well, and other paths....

LoveMeNow

His friend was had them in his car and said today "Oh, I don't want to keep them in my car." He then came in the house and flushed them and threw away the bottle.