Mambo Queen

So my ex is in the exact spot I worried and worried that he would be...that it seemed clear to me a while ago he would end up in if nothing changed. So...I changed. I went no contact. Dont let him see my kid. Give him not a dime. Changed my cell phone number, and my work number. Then, I get a call from his last remaining friend...a woman I have given money to for things like his bus fare, etc., when I thought he was homeless. So now it's December (almost) and cold as ****, and the last thing I know about my exah is that he was hospitalized again ( and I'm not exaggerating when I say this must be the 15th time since our divorce 3 years ago) and that he's receiving electro-shock therapy to deal with his grave, unresponsive depression. I know this from an email from his friend wherein she said that she knew I didn't want to be involved, but could i please give her his sister's number.

So...haven't heard anything in about a week. I am actually on good terms with his friend and his sister, and would like to keep it that way. But I still get woken up at night by guilt. Guilt that I am "keeping his kid from him." Guilt that I am not giving anything to him if he is that mentally sick. I already know from past encounters that his friend is done housing him, and so are his sisters. So every morning, when I get in my car to go to work, I imagine him being out there somewhere cold as **** with no one to care for him and nowhere to go.

I know that that is my codie talking...so what I want, what I need to stay strong, is to hear that I AM doing the right thing by removing myself from his orbit, and that its OK that I am denying him contact with his daughter...he has never paid a lick of child support, and I have made her readily available when i knew he was doing well, like when he was in the Salvation Army which he left. But I just hate reading about, imagining, hearing about homeless people knowing he is one of their number now, probably, in the worst time of the year for it. I would love some self-talk I can use to ease my guilt over this in the bad times (bad times of my conscience, I mean). I am doing what feels right for ME by staying no contact, but is that really what's best for him if he is so mentally ill? I do not want to cause undo pain.

Pelican

Hi MQ!

I just had a discussion tonight with my partner about his dad. His dad is in his 70's and a non-drinker, but he has a history of mental issues. He was treated with electro shock for his depression many years ago.

Tonight our discussion was about his dad's bouts of rage. How he can explode with anger.

My partner shared with me how terrible that was growing up. I saw the pain in his eyes as he remembered the rages. My partner went on to say how he had hoped (as a child) his parents would divorce so they could escape the insanity of living with the dad's mental issues. Then as a young adult, he wanted his mom to leave and come live with him in another state. But divorce is not an option in his parents beliefs.

I could identify with his story, because I have seen alcoholic's rage. I have seen my children afraid of alcoholic rages. I am glad my children got the chance to escape the insanity.

Your daughter has escaped the insanity of living with addiction and mental illness because you made a healthy decision to make your own lives a priority.

You did and have continued to provide a stable, loving environment in which you both can thrive.

Good on you!

thislonelygirl

pelican is right. you are as hard as it is making the best decision for you and your child and that if he is still drinking since you had said he left salvation army well then that is his fault....as using tends to make mental health worse in some cases much worse

Sueski

You are not keeping his kid from him. He is. His behavior drives the contact - you make sure she is available when he's doing well. All you are doing is responding in the healthiest way possible for your daughter to the existing circumstances. Good for you. Good for her.

I can't imagine how hard it must be in the wee hours, to wonder what you could have done or could be doing BUT deep down you know you could have done nothing to change him. When you start doubting and 'shoulding' all over yourself, would it help to talk to yourself as you would to a friend? To someone who posted a similar circumstance here? Showing that same kindness to yourself might not be a bad thing.

Take care. I'm sorry you are in this situation.

outonalimb

Mambo Queen...I could have written your post.

My exah is mentally ill on top of (or maybe because of...) his alcoholism. I tried for YEARS to 'help him'. Now that I've gone 'no contact' and stopped trying to help, he's doing worse than ever. I had to get a restraining order against him and he is in jail right now for a very serious offense (he broke into a firestation and stole an ambulance with a trailer and recue boat attached). He is a very sick man. I have to protect myself and our son from the insanity.

I understand the guilt. I USED to struggle with it. I don't anymore. What helped? Lots of al anon meetings. I got a sponsor and I work the program and it has literally changed my life. I realize now that I never had the power to 'help' my exah. My 'help' was simply enabling. My exah has become someone I don't know or recognize anymore. Although he has had MANY opportunities to get well (rehabs, hospitalizations, etc), he always chose to pick up the bottle again. I've learned that you can't help someone who won't help themelves. The ONLY person you can change is YOU and you're doing that. And you're daughter is lucky to have a mom who is willing to do what it takes to give her a stable, peaceful, healthy start in life. Keep going. Don't look back. Keep looking forward. Your ex has a higher power of his own and you aren't it.

Hugs and undertanding...

Mary

Seren

Hello MamboQueen,

I know that it has taken you a long time to get to this point. I hope you know that everyone proceeds at their own pace as far as codie recovery (or even addiction recovery) is concerned.

It seems to me that guilt has been your driving force for continuing to do things for your ex. Making any decision because of fear, obligation, or guilt (F.O.G.) is not healthy and is rarely a well-made decision.

After my ex left me and filed for the divorce, I was the one who did not feel worthy. I carried my guilt around like some sort of badge of punishment (or maybe even more twisted--of honor). I felt as though I needed to continue punishing myself with my guilt--that I did not deserve happiness or peace.

When I finally let go of that guilt, well, who knew! The world did not stop rotating!! Life did not fall apart, and I was not struck down by a bolt of lightning. The only person judging me--was me.

Please know that letting go of the guilt is more than OK. Take good care!

redatlanta

There is no help here here in this situation. Dealt with this with my mom back in the 90's when she had an episode of acute paranoia (which lasted a year) no alcohol just the mental breakdown. Oh boy, give me an A any day.......

It doesn't sound like he is asking for help from you - might be hard to contact you but possible through sister and friends. Trust me your daughter does not want to see this. I still resent my mother for things she did/said, the hell she put my dad through and what it did to our family. I hated her. I was young, early 20's - too young to comprehend mental illness. In this case I got it that she couldn't help it, I didn't get and couldn't accept (and still have some issues about) that the help for her was there on a silver platter and she refused to take it.

Anyway, should you be contacted for help you can make your decision then. For now you are doing the right thing.

Jazzman

Actually, you're protecting your daughter from exposure to a very unhealthy and toxic person. You're doing the right thing to protect her and stop the cycle.

lillamy

MamboQueen -- I'm very emphatically with Jazzman.

The toughest thing I am fighting in therapy is my overwhelming guilt over not having removed my children from their alcoholic father sooner. By continuing to expose them to him, I in effect prioritized his well-being over theirs. And they will be paying for the rest of their lives for his alcoholism and my inability to protect them by removing them from him earlier. I'm currently pursuing having one of my children committed to a psychiatric hospital because of the violent, frightening anger left behind by the messy childhood she had.

You are doing your daughter a HUGE favor. And your job is to protect your child at all costs.

FireSprite

Utter & complete ditto to Jazzman.

You aren't keeping his daughter from him, you are standing up & protecting your daughter to shield her from this horror. YOU are her only voice & advocate & it sounds like you have your priorities exactly right!!!