PohsFriend

Hi Guys,

Been away for a bit. RAW unloaded on me over some things that were said here in response to my posts. She should have butted out but... well, she did not and asked me after MC one night not to go 'posting about it on that forum'. So I haven't but I've come to realize that 'talking' to others and listening and thinking has helped and when I stopped it hurt - those thoughts just carom around my brain all day whereas writing is cathartic for me.

So... Where we left off... Around September RAW and I were on our Honeymoon and I found the old vodka in the water bottle at the bottom of her suitcase. I flipped - her sobriety date had been 12/26/11 or at least I think so. She was 7 months pregnant and when I confronted her she said that she had only had a few sips then thrown up and felt terribly guilty etcetera.

This left me with a bit of a conundrum - I was flipping out trying to figure out how to control the situation and make sure she did not harm the baby. Folks here pointed out that it was likely that this was not the only time she drank, just the only time I caught her. Over the next couple weeks or so through conversations here, with my therapist and with some good men at al-anon I internalized the 'three Cs', set some boundaries I could live with and focused on what I could do. I usually travel heavily for work but I haven't flown in about 90 days. That is hurting my job a bit but with the baby and a very painful injury I am dealing with I've been able to get around it. The past couple months were up and down for us. About once per week it seemed like there'd be a big drama. Early in the year I had really wavered between continuing the relationship with RAW (weren't married then) and giving up and going back to my former life and my ex. I did not handle that honorably or honestly - deserved the anger it caused. So anyway, the ex is a sore subject. I don't see her, my email, phone, location, bnking - everything is accessable by my RAW so she doesn't have to wonder. Transparency is a good thing. So every week it seemed like things would be going OK and then suddenly she was really pissed off and it would be something like my ex had sent me an inconsequential note - IRS matters, business stuff, found some things of yours etc. Nothing remotely romantic or threatening to RAW in any way. Several times RAW has acknowledged that I have been completely loyal and have not done anything wrong but as an example - ex sent a link to a book done by someone we know the same week she had sent a text to tell me that a friend of mine needed help. RAW went off - saying it is clear that ex matters more than her so she guesses it is OK for her to be friends with the guy who has frequently tried to rekindle their affair from before we started seeing each other exclusively.... stuff like that. Drama every week, not a single consequential thing she could point to as an example of me doing a damned thing wrong.

I mention my own issues since she came here before and complained that I had only talked about her issues like I am a good guy when I have made mistakes too... Should she be violating boundaries again by reading stuff...

So anyway, lots of drama, lots of power struggle really. Setting boundaries and then keeping them is hard for me and it seemed like she just broke every one I set and then got mad at me for pointing it out.

..but that was one day per week usually, the rest of the time things were good. She went through one week where she went to like 11 meetings instead of 5 or so. I was praising her for staying sober and that one slip was just one slip - it could have been awful but thankfully it wasn't. She had been VERY angry with me for not believing it was her only drink, she 'hated me' for even thinking that. THat's something to work thru in counseling - I have a bad habit of being 'trainable' in the past - jump all over me for sharing an objection and I will learn not to but I have outgrown that and come to see the attempt to stomp on it for what it is - regardless of whether it is RAW or someone else doing it.

So... just piddly stuff. One night I thought I smelled alcohol on her breath and asked. She had just had Tiramisu which had a little extract of liquor in it... plausible.

Then a couple weeks later I noticed my prescription adderall was short.. I asked her and she said she had taken a few (she used to have a scrip for it but docs took her off immediately once pregnant). I got pissed - first, I take it for ADD. Having to get ready for a big C-level preso and deliver it without it that week annoyed me. If I am off it for a week I'm fine but if I stop it all of a sudden I am very fatigued and have trouble concentrating.

So the next week I was able to get my refill - Adderall is pure amphetamine for those who don't know. On an ADHD person it has the exact OPPOSITE effect that it has on a 'normal' person and it chills me out and slows me down.

We had had a serious discussion - more than one, about not taking stuff without reading to see if it was OK during pregnancy, taking the right dose... It drove me nuts that if she could not find ibuprofen she just grabbed my Aleve and took three (one is the dosage, not good for pregnant women).

So the day after my new scrip came in, after I had raised hell about her taking some of my prior bottle, there were 5 missing. I wasn't sure if I had taken 1 or 2 the day before but was pretty sure it wasn't 7 given that my heart did not explode. I asked her, she swore she had not touched them. I called the Pharmacy - their count was right. It seemed clear what had happened but I have been going by the 'unless I have proof I will not accuse' approach (I know, I am gullible and foolish).

So I dropped that after giving her three opportunities to fess up and letting her know that the pharmacy was concerned and might have to test employees if they did not turn up. No change to the story.

It was tough - lots of drama and stress this year and there was a lot of over the top drama the last few weeks before the baby which I just attributed to hormones and being hugenormous in the heat of summer and it was actually kinda funny. One week it was come spend time with me, then I did and wasn't doing it right so after that Friday's counseling session I made it a point to bring her breakfast in bed, make a nice dinner each night, be extra sweet - then another meltdown because... well, if you have to TRY it doesn't count. LOL. That one I will excuse as temporary hormonal insanity.

Sorry for the long buildup...

So the day came to go have our baby. I've had some trepidation - not an ideal time or situation for a child obviously but life doesn't run on what's ideal and it isn't his fault so I've been all in. He was born that evening and I was so proud of RAW for doing such a great job - she was a trooper. I was all giggles and smiles and then a very pissed off nurse came in and said the plans had changed, they needed to take my son away for a urine test because mom had failed a drug test. You guessed it, a week earlier when she'd been in she tested positive for amphetamines so I knew where my adderall went. This was a big deal of course, had he peed out any amphetamine that she did not have a script for then they would have called social services. I di not want to spoil the moment, I have awesome memories of my teen daughter being born and did not want this to be another bad memory after the honeymoon blew up in my face. The announcement was in front of my teen daughter - not good. I let it go, took dd home for the night and left mom and ds at the hospital to rest. When I got home I had shaken off the drug test, she had not taken adderall in over a week and thankfully his pee was clean though the image of him screaming while they pulled the bag off his nuts and stuck a fresh one on will stay with me.

OOps, this is getting long, sorry folks - self indulgent, need to let some of this **** out.

So I get home and I'm looking over the pictures and feeling good again and I figured hey - mom is at the hospital (I stopped drinking around her after the honeymoon incident) so a nice glass of good bourbon on the rocks would be just the thing tonight. I had a half full bottle that I hid very carefully after the honeymoon that she had no idea about or so I thought. You guessed it. It was empty.

Wow, the world caved in right about then. we have argued about how much was in there ...I thought 2/3 she says 1/3 but it does not matter much. She says she discovered it while snooping through my things looking for some sign of any wrongdoing on my part on one particularly obsessive day. Did not find anything but found my bourbon.

I texted her... she admitted to the adderall and bourbon and said that it was 'just the way her crazy brain works'.

I spent several hours that night trying to read up on the affects of alcohol in the third trimester. I worked up a really good mad that night. Selfishly, I was mad that what should have been a top 5 highlight in my life was not but I was really furious as I read.... it may have done very little harm, it may have just done imperceptible damage leaving him completely normal but we will never know how much really. If he struggles to learn something it will bug me... So far, so good - at least every indication thus far is that he is healthy and on the advanced side if anything.

The blowup came a couple nights later, I don't know what triggered it but I think it was her saying that he was fine and I corrected her - harshly - saying that it was not a question of if he had been harmed, but how much. She got really pissed and started blaming me for it - things I did wrong 8 months ago had depressed her and THAT's why... I lost it then, called ******** and told her that she had lied to me repeatedly, stole from me and done something that this state considers child abuse and had harmed our son and HELL NO you are not going to blame me. I was livid and did not want to risk really explosive anger (pushed far enough I will yell, rarely but I was mad enough) so I walked away to my home office and about twenty minutes later she came in and apologized to me and said it was entirely her fault not mine.

So... we went to the MC. I was still livid, said I did not know where this left our relationship and was too mad to think about it but the primary issue is our son. As some may recall, a boundary I had worked out for myself was that if she drinks, she goes to rehab. I would not be put in the position of judging the extent of her drinking, I am not an addiction counselor or a psychiatrist and refuse to be put in that position. At first when I brought this up she said 'we agreed next time...' ...I told her this IS next time, the fact that she hid it doesn't equate to it not counting.

So that is problematic. We have a newborn, we want to breastfeed and bond and she is clean so a month away is no good. My IT gave me recs for a good outpatient program. RAW's counselor said that if she is going to MC, IT, and doing her AA meetings then the outpatient intensive counseling on top of that might get her 'counseled out'.

RAW has offered to take breathalyzers and drug tests whenever I wan to test her but I declined - told her that proving herself is her problem and she needs to figure that out. Also told her that after the slip on our honeymoon I did not know how many recurrances I could handle but that the next one would not be it... told her it would be much better if she came to me and told me before I caught her and asked for help. Well, after this pair of discoveries I told her I don't know if the next one will be the last one but it could be and if our son is endangered because of it then it probably would be.

It was not a threat. I really don't know. I am carrying a huge amount of guilt for being gullible and stupid. When we got back from our honeymoon I could have made her breathe into a breathalyzer every day and could have tested her pee after the obvious lie about the adderall but I went with a more moderate approach - stay home, watch closely, don't accuse and condemn because the longer term goal here is for mom to get well and for us to be a family.

So the last three weeks, outside of one blowup, have been excellent. Motherhood has made a big change in her and she is an awesome mom. When she was more or less laying in bed 20 hours/day and very emotional and irrational prior to delivery I was really scared that the stress of a crying baby and the sleepless nights would not work for her but ...wow, they stopped her xanax and ambien a couple weeks before delivery and her AD med and she's been a different person for the most part, calm, serene, reasonable... Her AA group was great - bringing dinner over every night for the first week, having ladies' meetings here... and her sponsor is awesome. Her sponsors hubby just got his 3-year chip and is in the same line of work I am and has been a good friend to me - he has the perspective of an alcoholic and the spouse of one and talked me off the ledge a bit.

She's had one '******* crazy' moment where she was irrational the other night and a big fight ensued - I have been trying very hard to be supportive and encouraging and understanding and focusing on TODAY rather than looking back so when she ripped into me I let it all out - basically saying 'where do you possibly get the balls to jump on me yet again for something 6 months past when I have kept my side of our deal and you have lied, stolen, manipulated and did the BIGGEST thing you could do to betray my trust when you endangered our son!" Man, I was pissed.

...but on my way to Al-anon a couple weeks ago i was thinking that this sucks, I am going to meetings, my teen daughter will soon too but we are not like most families in al-anon... alcoholism hasn't been a fixture here, it came into our lives a year ago with RAW. That was the first week, after we'd had the big blowup and I was still enraged... I was thinking that I don't need this. I don't need to see my own life spiral out of control with hers. I don't need to introduce this to my daughter's life.... but there are two problems with that. First, we have a son together, she is in our lives for good now. Second, I love her and she is sick, not bad or evil. I HATE what that disease does to her thinking and actions. I HATE that she can't even come to me and say something like "Honey, I can't tell you how sorry I am for putting you through the fear and worry I have caused you. I want you to know that I love you and that hurting you and breaking your trust in me breaks my heart and I never ever want to do that to you again". ...but you just don't get that with an alcoholic in recovery I guess. There's still that rationalization - baby seems fine, other women have a glass of wine while pregnant.... your fault.

I'm struggling with the counter-intuitive thinking you need if you decide to try to make it work with someone in recovery. When they mess up and you find out that they lied to you, stole from you, endangered themself and your child.... you just can't scream and yell and guilt them into that damned apology they seem too selfish to offer you. Nope. Instead you have to forget it, focus on today and plan for tomorrow and give them love, support and encouragement. You can't say "wow, if I broke my word to you and did things of similar import you would eviscerate me so quit whining that I am too harsh". Instead you have to seperate it....

It isn't fair. Neither is life.

So... one day at a time....

Data I have with which to figure out some near term things...

1. Her story is that other than the 4 things I caught her on, there is nothing else. This is a really tough one. Had she fessed up to something, anything, it might be easier to believe but time has proven that I am STUPID AND GULLIBLE AND A FOOL and in my zeal to earn a pat on the head for being a supportive spouse I have let her walk all over me... I knew the adderall story was a lie, I just locked them up and moved on. I was stunned by the alcohol though, her telling me how remorseful she was a few weeks earlier worked and I really felt good - she had a tiny slip, it terrified her and redoubled her recovery efforts.... yeah, right. So objectively I have to acknowledge that at this point in her recovery she cannot be trusted to stay sober or to be honest if she can't and I can't be trusted to see it. I've told her that if she ever tells me that she we need to switch to formula and get her some help then No worries - I will NOT be angry. If I find out that she tainted her milk and passed it along then I will see that as a willful assault on our son and my sympathy level will be commensurate with that view. What to do....

2. So I agreed with her that perhaps IT, MC and AA meetings PLUS outpatient rehab is overload but I said I have no idea what is right, we should meet with someone at the outpatient program and get an assessment done. I don't really want to have to remind her on this but it has been two weeks and I told her it was her problem to investigate it and arrange it. I guess I should remind her of that agreement but I'm hoping she will surprise me and handle it - that would actually tell me that what she did is a big deal to her rather than OK, he's forcing me so I will comply now and make him pay for it later. Hmmmm....

3. This sucks. I love my wife and I really do believe in her but how do I convey that message while also being smart? OK, she can't be believed right now and the logical part of me says that it is the disease, not her, so I have to take precautions and put the onus on her to prove that she is NOT using rather than having it on me to detect if she is using. Hard to expalin that one nicely.

4. I've put off some things, I was going to switch jobs for financial reasons and am keeping that on hold because it requires travel. Not sure how smart it is to continue to let my career slip but hard to take the risk of travelling. It's a bit sick but I thought through what to do if I take a project and have to travel then she 'slips'. If I am not here it will be hard to know. I guess I can breathalyzer her at random times over facetime? I could tell the client that my wife is sick and I need to work from home for a bit while she is actually in rehab... I guess that would buy me a few weeks but until I have some sign that things are calm and stable I can't take on something new - what i do requires intense focus and being on the ball and my nerves are fired and I am exhausted. Gotta figure out how to detach from the fear and worry. It was awful around the time she hit rock bottom when I was afraid of finding her dead, it's unbearable to think about what happens if she drinks and the baby is harmed. Infants can't take being rolled over on or dropped or whatever - an intoxicated person can't manage a baby period.


Whew.... Got it all out. Sorry for the novel but I needed to clear my head a bit.

No answers really, over the last three weeks I have seen irrefutable evidence that she can't be trusted and can't control herself or make reasonable decisions and I've seen the first real signs that she can be a partner in this marriage and hold up her end of the bargain - she is a terrific mom and is so devoted to our son. I told her that the revelations on the day he was born have to be our rock bottom, not his getting hurt or worse....

One day at a time. I love my wife. I hope she makes it. I hope I can learn to reconcile the ways one is forced to suspend logic and belief and instinct at times when dealing with this awful disease so that it doesn't ruin my life and health.

Today has been a good day. She started recovery 11/26/2011 and hasn't had a drink that I know of since September 15 or so. As best I know, she took a few adderalls to combat fatigue and she had one two sip 'slip' and one series of three days over which she drank between 1/3 and 2/3 of a bottle of bourbon - a lot. If that's all, then maybe that is 'good' for a first 11 months. She has a good sponsor and aa group, she has a baby now and when it comes to him the selfishness seems to be replaced by complete selflessness. Maybe seeing him grow up is the incentive she needs, maybe it won't be enough...

I'm doing.... fair. I've got a pretty significant injurt that needs surgery and am not filling the pain scripts I am getting - lol, pain hurts less than worrying about having narcotics in the house :-)

Missed y'all

Tuffgirl

Wow. Let me start with a simple congrats on the new baby! I am glad he is ok.

But, I don't think anyone here will be surprised by this - I think we all warned you! ; ) Where's there's smoke, there is fire.

I think you have a hell of a ride ahead. Keep up the Al-Anon and work on you as best you can. I have a feeling more will be revealed.

Take good care,
~T

Confetti

Wow....that is a lot to take in.

First of all, I don't think she is being completely forthcoming with you, since she seems to be adamant that she hasn't done anything else, until you discover it, then she admits to it. "More will be revealed". It gets said around here often, because it's true.

Focus on yourself, your daughter and your new son. You may not know the damage that her drinking and using has caused until much later, but what you can do, is shower that baby with love and attention and give it the best life you can which may minimize some of the effects his mothers using may have caused him.

You cannot tell her what her rock bottom is....she is going to have to feel it herself. Maybe the day your son was born was her rock bottom.....maybe not.

Sending you positive thoughts.

Chickadees

PohsFriend Wrote: "Second, I love her and she is sick, not bad or evil. I HATE what that disease does to her thinking and actions. I HATE that she can't even come to me and say something like "Honey, I can't tell you how sorry I am for putting you through the fear and worry I have caused you. I want you to know that I love you and that hurting you and breaking your trust in me breaks my heart and I never ever want to do that to you again". ...but you just don't get that with an alcoholic in recovery I guess. There's still that rationalization - baby seems fine, other women have a glass of wine while pregnant.... your fault.

I'm struggling with the counter-intuitive thinking you need if you decide to try to make it work with someone in recovery. When they mess up and you find out that they lied to you, stole from you, endangered themself and your child.... you just can't scream and yell and guilt them into that damned apology they seem too selfish to offer you. Nope. Instead you have to forget it, focus on today and plan for tomorrow and give them love, support and encouragement. You can't say "wow, if I broke my word to you and did things of similar import you would eviscerate me so quit whining that I am too harsh". Instead you have to seperate it....

It isn't fair. Neither is life."

-------

Hi PH...

I'm a newbie here and haven't posted a lot. I do remember reading your posts over the summer months. I have no words of wisdom for you. My A was a 'friend with benefits' only. It could have been more but a little voice inside me somewhere always told me to keep him at arms length and in retrospect, I'm grateful I did.

The quote above really spoke to me, especially your comment about the 'counter-intuitive thinking' required to have a relationship with an A in recovery. IMHO that same thinking is required to have a relationship with an AA as well. I have had no contact with my AFWB since I tore a strip off of him via email with regard to his failure to offer me any kind of apology for some truly abominable behaviour (see my post, "What I did Sunday afternoon").

I completely get where you're coming from when you say you're struggling with ... well, wanting her to acknowledge and apologize for her actions that put your son's well being as well as her relationship with you in jeopardy. That's what normal people do when they screw up and especially if the people they know they have hurt mean anything at all to them. It's about respect. It's about common human decency.

This is a sore spot for me (can you tell?).

Anyway, thank you for sharing and for the update. From everything that you've written, I believe you are a smart, articulate, rational and loving man who wants the best for his family. I sincerely hope that you get to enjoy the best possible outcome in your difficult situation.

Good Roads,
Chick

redatlanta

Well....you have a lot going on.


You are also making some decisions in your career based on keeping some kind of control on the situation at home.

I am sure I don't have to tell you that you can't control her. My guess is what you do know as far as her slip ups is not all - I hope for the sake of your son it is - but to think you busted her every time she did, well, that's just wishful thinking.

Policing someone is not a relationship. Not for you, not for her. A necessity for your son and his health. And you can't build a wall high enough that she can't climb over - that's just the way it is.

I am finding it hard to write a response. Your situation is very complicated with the newborn. There is something in my gut that is unsettled, sorry - I am afraid for your child.

That's all I am going to say - your situation is beyond my own experience I don't have children I can only tell you when my ex relapsed I wouldn't let him take care of our cats, I took them with me or put them in a kennel if I wasn't at home.

Hopefully someone will be by soon that can give their opinion based on experience rather than mine based on a gut feeling.

I truly empathize and wish you the best and safety for your new little one.

ZiggyB

Hi,
Thanks for the update, I am sorry for your situation. I feel that she has probably done more things than you "caught" her doing. You are handling it well, much better than I would have. I have no idea what I would have done in your situation but would have been pissed off beyond belief. It is absolutely outrageous (IMO) that she chose to take the risk of harming an unborn child, I can hardly imagine anything more irresponsible. I hope you know that alcohol is not recommended for nursing mothers either.

Sorry to be sounding so judgmental, but I am just flabbergasted. You are a far better person than I am for putting up with this. Even though you do love her, sometimes the most loving thing we can do for someone is walk away and let them mess up their own lives.

Sueski

Trickle truth. It's a horrible thing for the recipient. I'm so sorry you are going through this, but very glad the baby is doing well. Congratulations! It's cool that you have an older daughter, too. My dad had a second family, and my 17-years-younger sister is one of the greatest gifts life has given me.

Can you talk to the baby's pediatrician about your concerns for his well-being? It won't be the first time they've heard this, and they may have good advice. I understand the desire to support your wife but she is an adult and responsible for her own actions and feelings. This is just my opinion, take it or leave it as it suits you, but I tend to think that if you have doubts (which are not unjustified, don't forget) it's best to err on the side of caution for the baby. He can't protect himself, and despite her best intentions his mom may just not be able to.

I wish all the best for all of you...take care.

ShootingStar1

POH's friend, so glad to hear from you, and so very glad that you have a healthy newborn son. I've been wondering how it was going for you, and it's good to have you back here. Congratulations!

This is a terribly difficult situation that you are in, and right off the bat, I just can't integrate all the pieces enough to come up with a real response. This is just riddled with conflicting loyalties and accountabilities, and I honor and support you as you sort through all of them and work toward some reasonable balance. One thought that comes to mind, and others have voiced it, is that your newborn son must be first in everyone's mind, and I think you are very aware of that.

Keep coming back, we'll all be here for you.

ShootingStar1

XrayLady

First of all, congratulations on your son!

Alcoholism runs in my family and I can tell you from experience that nothing is their fault-No, it's always someone else who "made" them drink at that point in time, never mind the fact that they had been drinking that quantity for years. Please, please continue to find support, whether it's here, Al-Anon or even a kind ear. You must take care of yourself to take care of your children.

I wish you good luck and hope to see you here again!

Pelican

Welcome Back!

Thank you for taking the time to share your update with us. I am happy to read that your son arrived safely into the world.

You also have my support and encouragement as you navigate through the days, weeks, months ahead.

This forum has been a great resource to me on my recovery journey. I hope you will continue to get the strength, support and wisdom you need here and in your community.

thislonelygirl

just .....wow!
i dont even know where to start...this must have been soooooo heartbreaking and stressful for you. pregnant while drinking and taking aderall and yes she isnt telling you the truth. she probably drank alot more than YOU CAUGHT.
she only admitted to what YOU CAUGHT and then YOU CAUGHT SOME MORE.
the blaming is soooooo classic for addicts.....justifying and blaming and downplaying....
i know you love her and you have hopes for her but protect your son and daughter first...she has a long road ahead of her and if she can drink whilst pregnant dont think that holding her son is the reason for the change.....addicts will drink regardless. the change has to and is comign from her. it has to be for her.
yes it is not fair to have to walk on egg shells and go to meetings for her problem but al anon is what YOU AND YOUR daughter will need if you continue to be with her ...this is because she will not be their to support yall. yall will support her but until her mind is clean she cannot support understand or coomunicate with yall the way anyone else can and you and your daughter will feel multipiple emotions that al anon can help sort out. its about dealing with the hurt and pain with others who understand. you are NOT stupid and gullible.....ITS IS COMPLETELY reasonable to expect honesty trust love communication etc from your spouse to have a normal one to one conversation and it actually reach them ......This is just not the case but that we will believe it time and time again. you arent alone. weve all felt stupid one time or another because of our addict loved one.
my ah stole my pain pills after having our daughter and i too had a bottle hiddej which he too got into and drank. dont buy into the i was being nosy about YOU so i looked and found IT remark. she was looking for it to begin with.....just like she knew all well where you put your pills.
best wishes

PohsFriend

Thanks guys

I'm cautiously optimistic and just getting used to accepting unacceptable realities I guess.

Baby boy is priority one and ha awesome. Wifey is truly awesome with him. My first kiddo changed me for life, I think he's working her over.

As for trickle truth and more to be revealed... I guess I am exhausted or just getting smarter because well, so what? Nothing to be done except focus forward.

We're almost through year one of recovery. It was no picnic. But the bad stuff was like one day per week. The other 6 can be ridiculously over the top wonderful.

I'm gettIng better at realizing that she will be a swimmer or she won't. I can't make her stay sober so no sense driving her to drink trying.

Little man is so damn cute. Big sis adores him. One area where my conflict avoiding natur has never been an issue as with raising my daughter as a single dad. She's always come first and she is insanely in love with little bro. I was accused of bein overprotective in the custody battle years ago. When asked if I Was overprotective I asked the
Lawyer if he'd always been stupid - how do u protect a three year old girl too much moron? Judge laughed.

So seatbelt is buckled, may be a bumpy ride but we sPend a lot of time. Itching here and focusing on the negatives. I have some things to be worried about with a baby but I've got things to smile about. Married the sweetest, sexiest, most draw joppingly gorgeous woman I've ever seen and she is funny and cute. And sweet - its just that fu--Ing drunk evil twin that mangles things.

So... No booze today, no drama, little man sleeping and RAW is safe, sober, working her steps and meetings and I'm gonna stop thinking and curl around her and sleep. Tomorrow? Well, I'll deal with it in the
Morning

redatlanta

Pohs - sounds like you needed to vent and feel better its a good feeling tis why I love SR so much.

You sound like a really amazing, caring, Dad and husband.

I hope for everyone's sake she stays sober. It sounds like you are doing well in your recovery and getting the "letting go" attitude. I am sure you have a plan in place for little man should she "slip" again.

Best to you - keep us updated.

CentralOhioDad

Poh, I'm happy that you have a newborn son and that he is doing well, so far.

I read your post twice, just to make sure I got the message. And the message seems to be that: 1) you are a caring, smart, loving father and husband; and 2) she is still manipulating, blameshifting, controlling you to the point that your head is spinning so fast you don't know which way is up.

You seem to find these things (drinking, lying, stealing, manipulating, controlling, pill-taking, etc) acceptable because they are just 'slips'. She is breat-feeding, plain and simple. Anything, ANYTHING going into her body that is impure will end up inside your child. And every misstep somehow becomes your fault. She has complete control over your life, and your career at this point. Denial is not just for the alcoholic.

And great, you have 6 days a week that are "wonderul" - that other day could be the day she kills herself, and/or your child.

I truly appreciate your very positive attitude, it is commendable. But it seems that she has trampled over every boundary you have, every feeling you have, every thought you have. And that scares me.

I have followed your story from the beginning, and I don't see it getting any better. Personally I don't see her being in recovery, she's still an addict.

You seem like a great guy, a smart guy. But love can be blind - I know because I was blind in many aspects, but I can see much more clearly now, and I hope that for you too.

My Wife is an alcoholic, but during the pregancy she never touched a drop. After the birth she had serious, life-threatening issues and was in a great deal of pain - she wouldn't even touch a Tylenol because she was breast-feeding. I commend her for that. She never had a drink until after the BF was over. Then all hell broke loose, but that's a different story - the fact is, she was not poisoning our child.

Please, go back and re-read your post from the perspective of an outsider. See if your seeming contradictions make sense. God Bless.

Best of luck to you and your son. I was going to apologize for being blunt, but I'm not sorry, I'm scared.

C-OH Dad

Florence

I was reading this story and the comments wondering if I was feeling particularly grim because this is not a "first year of recovery" to me.

She hasn't stopped using yet. She's using as much as she can when she can, covering up when she can, and getting away with 100% of the lying and using because you're giving her the space to do so. Why are you looking to HER for crucial information about the well-being of your children and your family? She is an active addict. It's long past time to stop following her head.

I agree 100% with what COD says here.

Last year I gave birth. All the family and I were laboring under the ridiculous theory that maybe a baby would get my AH sober. I kicked my husband out, who was presumably "in recovery" for the duration of my pregnancy, when I found him trying to care for our NEWBORN BABY while he was drunk. He lied about whether or not he was using up the the minute he started packing his bags. He lived in his car for a week before agreeing to go to inpatient rehab. I spent the next month at home with a newborn, recovering from a C-section by myself. BY MYSELF. I could not get out of bed on my own without blinding pain and a lot of effort. You know what? I made it. It was the right thing to do.

He still didn't stay sober. He isn't living with me now because I discovered him trying to care for our now 1 year old daughter while loaded. He also denied drinking right up to the point he was packing his bags to leave. Time *does* reveal more. After he was out of the house for a couple of weeks, those "just a couple of airplane bottles" I was so mean about turned out to be a few fifths of vodka. Big difference. Good to know when you are responsible for children. He doesn't live with us anymore.

His drinking is incompatible with raising healthy children.

His drinking is incompatible with raising healthy children.

His drinking is incompatible with raising healthy children.

Having and loving their children *is not enough* to get and keep people sober. For your sake, and for the sake of your children who are currently under the care of an active addict, I pray that you start following your *own* direction, stop turning to an active addict for advice and for your decision-making, learning more about the disease of addiction, learning more about how being cared for by someone who is high affects children's development, and your role in enabling her addiction to continue basically unabated.

I also beg you to take note of the fact that you barely missed being flagged by child services because of evidence that she is using. I feel like you're describing a situation where you're killing yourself trying to keep the lid on this thing, apologizing for having negative feelings about her addiction, and willingly putting blinders on to avoid facing the reality of her addiction, your role in enabling your wife, and avoidance in taking full responsibility for the well-being of your kids, one of whom relies 100% on you to survive.

I'm thrilled you have a positive attitude, but you are loving her to her grave.

Florence

Also, regarding breastfeeding. You're playing with fire here.

Freedom1990

This may be as good as it ever gets, my friend.

Having a baby did not quell my thirst for alcohol. As soon as I quit breastfeeding, I started drinking again. That was 1978 and I didn't hit a bottom till June of 1986. My oldest daughter (34) has deep scars from the early years of her life.

I see you still very enmeshed with her and her alcoholism, but I also see the effort you are making in your own recovery.

Sending you hugs of support!

PohsFriend

Thanks guys and the bluntness doesn't bother me. I've never been around addiction and alcoholism until the past two years so I don't know what I am dealing with by any means.

I'm also scratching my head wondering about whether she's had other 'slips'. The first one I knew of was a slip - took a few sips and puked it up. The next event a couple weeks later that I did not discover for a few months was a different story. Three days where she made the decision to drink, drank and hid it.

One thing I don't have a good grasp on yet is what you can reasonably expect to hold an alcoholic accountable for.

Example: I know that once she starts, left to her own devices she winds up circling the drain. Once an alcoholic starts drinking, I wouldn't expect that they could stop.

The one I have trouble with is that it seems like that first drink is something they can be held accountable for. She knows that alcohol means death at worst and losing us at best. There have been a few days over the last year when she drank that wasn't a slip - she drank three straight days and was presumably cold sober at the start of each. She had also long ago broken the PHYSICAL alcohol addiction.

BTW - I also totally understand that while batting .500 in the major leagues would earn you $50M/yr, parenting requires batting 1.000. You can have 269 good days in a pregnancy and kill or maim a baby on that one 'oops' day. Or.. "So, Mrs. Lincoln, other than that one scene did you enjoy the play?".

The boundary I set was drinking equals rehab (or get out). I could not handle the insanity of her drinking and a baby. When I found out about the drinking the little guy was here and she hadn't (to my knowledge) had a drink in a couple months so what then? Sending her to rehab then would not be in the best interests of her, baby or me. If she drinks again? Different story. I laid it out pretty harshly - if she comes to me and asks for help and says she should not breastfeed then no fight, no arguments, I will thank her and get her checked into a nice place where she can get help. If I find out through other means? That's problematic. It would mean that she had made a decision to do something harmful to our son instead of coming to me for help and then that would leave me no option save one - she'd be out of here and not allowed with the baby unsupervised until a doctor signs off that she is ready. If she refused it would really suck. When she was actively drinking last fall we had arguments about her going to get help and she said she would not leave. Now, I've got no choice but would have help. Social services would take her out of here and it would be awful but I won't live with an active drunk, period, and a drunk can't be trusted with our baby, period.

I am more appalled than anyone here - trust me- with regard to the inexplicable and inexcusable decision to put poison into a pregnant body. Had anyone else done something so blatantly heinous toward either of my kids or my wife then my reaction would not just be immediate, it would probably entail ensuring that the perpetrator never had the opportunity to harm anyone again. Thankfully I have only had to deal with such a situation like that once in my life when DD's mom and some friends had a plan to retrieve DD from me after she got out of a mental hospital (We can discuss my picker later) ...short version is that it became abundantly clear that trying to overwhelm me while someone grabs the kid was not a workable plan. That whole calm, gentle and serene ******** went out the window (with company, lol) and the 'Attempting to go through daddy to get to his baby gets you a nice comfy ambulance ride and jail time' principle was established.

But... this is different. ..and yet the same.

I mentioned that she offered to take drug and alcohol tests. I said I did not wish to administer them but that's something I want to discuss with a rehab counselor. My preference would be that she go get X tests per week and the result get reported to me.
Even though she agrees it is reasonable and volunteered, watching hr pee in a cup would be demeaning.

In case it is unclear - I have NOT signed up for being married to or raising a child with an active drunk. I HAVE signed up for doing so with someone who has been in recovery and sober for several years but there's that one little snag - she doesn't have that time in yet. Our friends from her AA group and some long sober alcoholics I have met in my AlAnon group are the sort of people I would spend a lifetime with. As awful as an active drunk is, a recovered (ok, no such thing, one who has been in recovery for several years and has a sobriety date at least 2-3 years in the past who is still actively working a program) alcoholic can often be the opposite - some of the best and most decent and good people I know.

My wife is not evil or bad - her evil freaking twin holding that bottle is a real bitch though. So... how best to put little guy first? Wellllll.... his mom is going to be his mom for the rest of his life, his best scenario is having a sober and healthy happy mom and a loving dad under the same roof so that's the target. If mom can't be part of that then his best scenario is a stable and sane dad raising him and mom taking part when she is sober but there is no scenario here with mom drinking and dad trying to cope with everything under the same roof. I have proven that I can raise a child solo quite well and I have proven to myself that I can't live with an alcoholic who is drinking.

So... trust but verify. Hope but be vigilant. Support but don't enable. Condemn the unacceptable but don't beat up the patient. I guess I sound too optimistic - that isn't it. I've just spent the past few months in my own head working through this and I've realized that yes, it sucks. No, I should not have to deal with this but hey - life is tough so wear a cup and deal with it.

Main problem is still not knowing what the right approach is. An assessment with a professional rehab counselor seems reasonable. It's for her but really it is selfish - if I follow the advice of a pro and he's wrong I can get my head around it. ...but I keep finding myself forced to make decisions I am not trained to make and then brutalizing myself when i am wrong. I could have prevented the drinking after the first time or at worst caught the first day of it and put her into a hospital until the kiddo came. I goofed, I don't know what the cost of that was yet. Fortunately, little guy seems perfect but it pains me to know that he is OK in spite of me, not because of me. For 17 years I have defined myself in terms of what kind of Dad I am and this has dented that self-image ...badly.

So... She just got back from AA meeting, he just let out a very loud fart so I think I will go change him.

Thanks guys, never apologize for bluntness and your points are well taken. This scenario kinda confounds my presumptions around 'what would you do if...'

The peace I am finding is not because I don't see the risk, it's that I know that much like a doctor - I can setup the ideal conditions for healing but the healing is God's department. Wife has a choice. She can be sober and have me and him and our home or she can drink but not both. I'm wondering if not having a more black and white boundary is part of the issue but I am not going to set down the gauntlet and say 'if you drink again, we are divorcing and you lose custody'... I'm just not there yet so I am not going to threaten it. She's no dummy, she knows that if she drinks then there is no way a court will allow her custody given our track records. Hopefully she loves me too and really doesn't want to lose me but if she picks the booze I can't take that personally, I will just have to do what needs doing and take care of kiddos first and stay sane.

You guys help with the sane part.

FireSprite

I've come back to this post many times but I keep erasing my posts before submitting them because I just couldn't get it worded right. Florence has expressed my exact thoughts - I think you are enabling her more than you realize/understand.

I've read more than once in your posts about how attractive, sexy & wonderful your AW is & that it's "just" her "drunk evil twin" that is ugly. I think you are still failing to acknowledge that she IS that drunk evil twin, even if she hides her well most of the time. There isn't a separation. With alcoholism being a progressive disease she may be able to lock the ugly side down to 1-day per week but that's just NOW. My AH did that for a very, very long time. If she doesn't truly embrace recovery, eventually the ratio will be the polar opposite with 1 good day for every 6 bad. That is not a judgement, but an absolute realistic expectation.

You said, So, really she's only been in recovery since October-ish then, right? In all of your posts & all that you've shared I have yet to understand that she has hit the point where SHE is actively seeking help & standing up & owning that she has a problem with alcohol. It really, really reads as though she is treating it because she knows that YOU have a problem with her drinking & that you are driving this bus. Rule #1 is that unless the addict truly, utterly WANTS help they will continue to relapse. The desire to quit HAS to be stronger than the desire to continue drinking. Does she verbalize this to you without it being prompted by an argument or pushed by you somehow?

Tuffgirl

Pohsfriend, I understand the need for magical thinking in your situation right now. You have a newborn, a demanding job, an addict wife, and a teenage daughter. Yeesh - makes me tired just thinking about it all.

But let me point out again here - your wife took your Adderall and drank your liquor while she was pregnant. That is no small thing. And if this happened recently, I think its safe to assume there was more going on than you know about, as she has only admitted to what you found out about so far. Kind of like watching the news - we know its only about 10% accuracy on most stories. And for what its worth - she "puked" it out...I laughed back then at that one and laugh again...I really hope you don't buy that story, especially not now.

So now you can't have anything in the house. I hope you are keeping your prescription meds on you at all times. Yet you seem to have these "boundaries" that are very firm, but only for points in time. When that point in time passes, and you find out she has drank or taken pills but its in the recent past, you reneg on those boundaries with her. She KNOWS you are not serious. I know it. We all know it here. The only person who doesn't know it is you, because if you have to act on them, you lose this wonderful life you have 90% of the time (your statistics, not mine).

No wonder she continues to "slip". She can get away with it! Even after labor and delivery and failing drug tests there, she got away with it. She knows this, and I would put money on the fact that she has determined just how much she can get away with while maintaining her own facade (meetings, sponsor, etc). I've seen other addicts do the very same thing. They did all the right things on the surface, yet were continuing to use their DOC.

With all due respect, I'd hate to be in your shoes right now. But dude, please don't let fantasy and hope could your reality and good judgment. This is serious. She is in charge of your newborn child (and presumably your teenage daughter). What is wrong with demanding the mother of your children BE SOBER - ALL THE FRICKIN TIME?!

I watched my friend try to skirt her medical issues - acute cirrhosis - by researching in depth just how much she could drink without completely causing liver failure. Seriously - she was that dependent that she was putting more time in figuring out that limit than anything else, be it a job, home, children, or sobriety. She died in October. 40 years old.

Please, for the sake of those kids in your care, keep your eyes wide open and your BS meter on full charge. Your wife, as sexy and wonderful as you may think she is, has proven over and over again that she LIES. You need to remember that.

Good luck, Pohsfriend. I pray for you that this turns a corner, but like others have said, have a bad feeling about it all.
~T