OhBoy

STBXAW has been gone three weeks. I still have the same kind of lingering despair I felt when we were together. I know it's only three weeks but I feel like the last year or so are getting lumped into it. I guess the difference is now I don't have that escape of her disappearing for days at a time to occupy me. Now she's just gone. I guess I didn't realize what a warm blanket I had. The pain is a new pain but a familiar one. I guess after 18 years living with an alcoholic, all pain gets to be familiar. Now I'm forced to face the pain and it's staring me in the face, no more chaos, working on detachment from it, coping with insanity and all the other things that justified it all and kept my mind busy.

I think in some ways it's easier. Things seem slower, like I'm sailing downstream at an easy pace, not swirling around getting bombarded by all sides. But in the calm of it all I feel it, a deep lingering pain. Melancholy. I try to keep busy, mostly cleaning up the mess she has left in the house. It's therapeutic in a way, but sad in another.

There's no expectations. No waiting for her to walk through the door, even when I didn't want her to come home, there was the expectation that she might. Now at those times when I would have had that expectation I feel nothing, empty.

I'm rambling. Needed to get it out & move along. Alanon tonight.....................Sounds like I need it.

fedup3

Take heart, there are brighter days ahead of you.

CentralOhioDad

I know we're both guys, but ((HUGS))

ZiggyB

It is weird... I told my therapist yesterday that I couldn't wait until axbf was gone and then after he left I was in total agony. We talked about it and the difference is you are all of a sudden alone, all of the time that used to be spent dealing with them and their B.S. you need to find a way of filling with things you like to do. It takes a while to get used to being on your own again. I was with my first husband a total of 16 years and when that ended I was in a complete state of shock and panic having to get used to being single again. It's a grieving process even if you know the other person had to go. You will get through it in time and things will be looking up for you. I find that staying busy helps.

lillamy

(You can hug in a very manly way! )

It is hard. That's the thing. We tend to think that once the alcoholic is gone, the insanity is over. I think the fact that you're realizing it's not is a GOOD thing, no matter how painful. I was on cloud nine for a long time after I got out of my marriage -- I just relished the "Not-Having-To-Do-Anymores" -- and then sort of crashed and went "uuoooh crap."

It's strange how we can get comfortable in our dysfunction. I've been thinking a lot about that lately, in regards to one of my kids. Your post gave me some good thoughts, and for that, I thank you.

celticgenes

Ohboy, be gentle with yourself. I'm 9 months out of a 20 year relationship with an A. It is truly the right decision to let him go. Doesn't mean it's easy. Give yourself LOADS of space and time to heal and figure out what's next. Alanon is a great start. So are good friends.

I've had some good days, some bad, but on balance they are trending toward better! I'm kind of at loose ends at the moment. If not embroiled in the chaotic, codependent, alcoholic mess of a "relationship", what now?

For me, lots of rest. I seek out people, places, and things that bring me joy.

Hope this helps. You are not alone.

grammyb

You are not alone. I'm ending 36 years. I know the day he is finally out of the house, will be torturous. I'm finding detachment gets a little easier every day. I'm feeling some strength as each day passes. I'm attending my first Alanon meeting tonight. Find things that you enjoy that might be distracting. It will get easier. Hang in there. Hugs