Jen31

I'm so sick of who I have become. My drinking as caused a severe weight gain, depression and problems from all directions. I'm miserable. I'm a terrible mother, wife, sister, daughter...
I made the decision on Oct 29, 2012 to stop drinking. That lasted a day. Then I decided to stop on Oct 31, 2012. That lasted a day. Then on Nov 1, 2012 I decided to stop again. That lasted ten days. On Nov 12 I decided to stop again. That lasted three days. Here I am, exactly one month later and hungover, shaking, sick to my stomach and dizzy. I drank 3/4 of a bottle of Brandy, by myself, last night. Included with that was a beer and 1/4 a bottle of Southern Comfort. Honestly, why am I not dead? I always drink SO much that its truly amazing I'm alive today.
I dont know why I'm typing all this? To get it off my chest? I dont know.

Lonelyhope

Hi Jen,

Firstly just want to send you a hug, I can relate to how you feel right now. I decided to try and see if i could stop drinking for a month and it lasted a day, and so on, I am surprised, i'm still alive after the amount i drank Tuesday night but here we are. One thing I've realized is that we can't do this alone. I hate the feeling the morning after the night before but I also cant fight the urge to do it again. feel free to add me etc, we are here to lean on each other & try to find the best way we can gain support! You are not alone.

Jess x

MIRecovery

When you get desperate enough give AA a real try. Drinking and drugging for 40 years and it worked for me.

Chattanooga AA Central Office

If you always do, what you always did, you will always get, what you always got

Anna

Hi Jen,

I am glad you're back and working on your recovery. There is lots of support here.

What can you do differently this time to make it last?

Parrotice23

Hi Jen... I've thought of you as I remembered we started our paths around the same day last month. I'm sorry you are feeling bad (as am I, from my own drinking binge yesterday), but it's great that you keep trying. We are all human, we all make mistakes, and the power that alcohol can have on us is both amazing and terrifying. Try to keep in mind how happy you were to be up & about that weekend, watching your kid playing, not laying in bed feeling terrible and low.

I know what you mean about the quantity level too... when I tell others how much I would drink on a normal basis, they would usually say if they did that once they would be dead. Not sure if that's true but I've always been the person who could out drink everyone. I remember at parties as a kid, I would be drinking more then anyone but people would still insist on giving me their keys thinking I was the sober one. Guess that should have been a warning sign way back then.

Keep trying, and please feel free to send me a msg if you need support. We just need to keep our focus in the right direction, keep working on being the people we want to be, and reach out when we are feeling low or vulnerable. Every day is another opportunity to be sober. Hang in there!

rainyengland

Hi Jen

It's tough that's why we're all here-the positive to take is your still posting and still trying!! :-)

You can crack it-just don't give up hope - we have all tried and failed on here at some point I guess but keep talking and I am sure that there is light at the end of your journey!

Good luck

Sazzle

Jen you are in the right place and you have so much self awareness that's its only s matter if time before you get a good decent run at sobriety. It's so worth the hard times (says me who's only done a month!) but I feel less fat, less lazy and much, much less drunk or hungover than I did a month ago. I know how you are feeling right now.

Hugs

S x

IndaMiricale

I can relate to you Jeni..

It took me several stop starts ect and just as many hard withdrawls to get a couple day, to a couple weeks , then months.. I truly had to want it, and just make it One Day at a Time.

You reminded me of this little story..

I was walking down the sidewalk and there was a hole .. I fell in... It took me a long time to get out...


Again I was walking down the sidewalk and there was a hole.. I fell in.. It took me a long time to get out..

Once again I was walking down the sidewalk and there was a hole.. I fell.. It took me a long time to get out..

This time I was walking down the sidewalk and there was a hole.. I JUMPED in.. It took me a real long time to get out..


A day not that long ago I was walking down the sidewalk and there was a hole.. I stopped and looked at it, and noticed people walking around it together.. So I joined them and continued on my journey..

For me.. Those people were in AA. But that can be anything you want.. But together we stay sober. Alone I drink..

IndaMiricale

Oooh and ps I have gained 20 pounds in sobriety.. So I relate there also. But today I will not drink over it..

Xune

Have you come to a final decision on whether or not you can consume alcohol?

Have you actually, within your very being, answered that question honestly?

Admitting and knowing that alcohol is no longer an option, was a powerful catalyst for me.

aasharon90

For me, I couldn't stay sober if alcohol was
present in my home. If there was Sherry
in the cabinet used for cooking, i'd drink
it too. If beer was lurking way in the back
of the refrigerater, i'd surely drink that too.

In those first few days of rehab, i learned
that folks drank rubbing alcohol, cologne
and other stuff, i couldnt even imagine drinking.

If it's around, even at 22 yrs soberiety,
and not living a recovery program, i'd
surely drink it, especially since it's the
holidays.

All it would take would be someone or
something to pizz me off or any kind of
feeling, i would surely inhale alcohol as
quick as a blink of an eye. No and, ifs
or buts about it.

Why....because as an alcoholic, i love
it.

But.....is surely doesnt love me.

It's just waiting for me to buckle at the
knees and become so weak that it will
strike at any given moment.

However.....learning about alcoholism
and how it affected my body, mind and
soul and using that knowledge and tools
presented to me, i don't have to give in
to the demon, devil of alcohol wanting to
kill me, destroy me.

I made a choice to live in recovery 22 yrs
ago and continue to stand by my choice
today.

So can you.

renaldo

The first meeting I ever went to (20 years ago - which tells you how many times I've started and stopped), the speaker said, "the first time I drank I immediately recognized the social benefits of alcohol. I felt more comfortable around people. Then I went from bragging about my drinking to lying about it."

I drink 24 oz. cans of 8.1% malt liquor and don't get *********. I offered someone one once and he didn't even get through one before he said, "Oh God, I'm drunk!"

Jen, you're not alone. I spent so much energy postponing pleasure for the future when I was not drinking or only drinking what is by comparison "moderately" and the payback didn't come. So now I want to enjoy myself. What happens? I get home from work and I spend time on the internet and postpone stuff that's a drag (paperwork, etc.).

I even postpone eating. Got home at 6pm last night and didn't cook and eat something until after 10pm, then stayed up until 1:30 and didn't attend to the paperwork. I had a good time, though.

It was productive time in the sense that I downloaded lots of stuff, but I've already got more than I can listen to. The irony is that I worked in a job with a computer for many years and never felt the need to own one. Now that I have one, it's the first thing I do when I wake up. Didn't even put on clothes for a half hour. Haven't showered or eaten and am thinking about a liquid breakfast.

renaldo

I'd call that a holy moment.

Dee74

Never lose hope Jen - I tried for many years, time and time again.

I agree with Anna tho - whats your plan this time? have you any ideas on what you might do differently?

what changes can you make?

D