Is it too late
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Tewksbury MA
Posts: 3
Is it too late
My husband did go through a recovery program 6 years ago through the veterans hospital. He was doing so great and after a number of surgeries he is now on oxycodone...he takes a large amount of them when he first gets them which leaves him unconcious for a day.....then he tappers off and he sells them or maybe trades them. Mind you my husband is 63 years old...this baffles me....I found out this year he has many female friends....one of which is 37 years old....I suspected she wanted pills and found out by sheer accident that this is true....but she tells him she loves and misses him through texting....what on earth does this 37 year old want with the 63 year old man...he is 63 but his body is so broken...he can hardly walk....he is in pain all the time that the oxycodone don't even help.....so I am guessing he gets other stuff too.
I have slipped into really being sad and crying a lot because the man that he once was is gone...he looks awful and thinks he is going to die so instead of choosing his family he goes out to bars and with other girls and guys who are at least 15 to 25 years younger than him....it breaks by heart. I am reading my books on letting go and really working hard on that. But the girl thing has really sent me over the edge....I just don't get it. Divorce is not an option for me because I believe God doesn't want that for me. I am a Christian and still have hope but am thinking we are running out of time. He is so sick physically that I worry about how much longer we may have him around.
I have slipped into really being sad and crying a lot because the man that he once was is gone...he looks awful and thinks he is going to die so instead of choosing his family he goes out to bars and with other girls and guys who are at least 15 to 25 years younger than him....it breaks by heart. I am reading my books on letting go and really working hard on that. But the girl thing has really sent me over the edge....I just don't get it. Divorce is not an option for me because I believe God doesn't want that for me. I am a Christian and still have hope but am thinking we are running out of time. He is so sick physically that I worry about how much longer we may have him around.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I believe that the God of my understanding doesn't want us to suffer needlessly. And we don't have to but sometimes we feel that we have no options. I don't have problems.....but often......I have solutions I don't like.
Welcome to SR........there are a lot of people here with much collective wisdom about addiction and codependence. I hope you stick around and keep an open mind.
gentle hugs
ke
Welcome to SR........there are a lot of people here with much collective wisdom about addiction and codependence. I hope you stick around and keep an open mind.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Have you heard of alanon? Face to face support can be so helpful. You may gain the knowledge you need to detach yourself from his addiction and antics but still stay in the relationship and get your serenity back.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
It is your choice to have a front row center seat to his self destruction, or not. Have you considered separating to preserve your own emotional wellbeing?
He is living his life as he chooses. Are you?
He is living his life as he chooses. Are you?
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Hi Angel7 -
I am a Christian too and I used scripture to accept the unacceptable. I have recently joined a Christian Coda Support Group and we are using Untangling Relations - A Christan Perspective on Codependency.
I was amazed at how unhealthy my relationship with God had become due to my codependency. There was a whole chapter about this and I felt like it was written specifically for me (and obviously many others).
I would highly suggest you call some local churches to see if they are offering this class any time soon.
No matter what you chose, God will always love you unconditionally!
I am a Christian too and I used scripture to accept the unacceptable. I have recently joined a Christian Coda Support Group and we are using Untangling Relations - A Christan Perspective on Codependency.
I was amazed at how unhealthy my relationship with God had become due to my codependency. There was a whole chapter about this and I felt like it was written specifically for me (and obviously many others).
I would highly suggest you call some local churches to see if they are offering this class any time soon.
No matter what you chose, God will always love you unconditionally!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
It's good you reached out to share your pain with us, for we all know the heartache of loving someone who is no longer his better self.
I'm so sorry your husband is once again in active addiction and it sounds like he is pretty well drugged all day and every day is my guess. In such a state, a man is not capable of honor. He is on drugs, and morals and commitments are no more. This is the fact of addiction. It is not you, dear, nor your marriage nor your home. It has nothing to do with you, who he is on drugs. The higher mind does not operate in someone who is high on drugs.
And so while you wait to see if he finds recovery again, please do not be alone every day with your pain. Find your way to any environment which is healing for you.
Drugs are the most possessing and controlling and powerful influence in your husband's life today. He is not seeking love or sex, what he is really seeking is drugs and the people who carry them.
He has betrayed his vows to you, his vows to treat you with respect and lovingkindness. You are choosing to wait and see if he finds recovery again. But you might consider living with a family member or friend while you do. God does not want you to be traumatized day after day. Your health and your life are too important. If you need to remain married, you still do not have to watch this man act out.
I'm sorry for the deep pain you surely feel, for all your tears. It is so important you not be isolated. Please find others to help you through this hard hard time. To sit with you, to make you tea, to let you sleep in their guest room a while. You need not to be alone.
I'm so sorry your husband is once again in active addiction and it sounds like he is pretty well drugged all day and every day is my guess. In such a state, a man is not capable of honor. He is on drugs, and morals and commitments are no more. This is the fact of addiction. It is not you, dear, nor your marriage nor your home. It has nothing to do with you, who he is on drugs. The higher mind does not operate in someone who is high on drugs.
And so while you wait to see if he finds recovery again, please do not be alone every day with your pain. Find your way to any environment which is healing for you.
Drugs are the most possessing and controlling and powerful influence in your husband's life today. He is not seeking love or sex, what he is really seeking is drugs and the people who carry them.
He has betrayed his vows to you, his vows to treat you with respect and lovingkindness. You are choosing to wait and see if he finds recovery again. But you might consider living with a family member or friend while you do. God does not want you to be traumatized day after day. Your health and your life are too important. If you need to remain married, you still do not have to watch this man act out.
I'm sorry for the deep pain you surely feel, for all your tears. It is so important you not be isolated. Please find others to help you through this hard hard time. To sit with you, to make you tea, to let you sleep in their guest room a while. You need not to be alone.
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