pinchofsalt

I am a quiet memeber of this forum as I prefer to read more than say. Today I am writing because i am frustrated! I have done all the non-enabling, non communicating etc. But I have relapsed in my communication. I send my AGF sms's and sometimes call her but all I get back is a one word answer and sometimes nothing! Why do I do this, why? I guess I am trying to hold onto someone I once loved?? What to do, what to do? I watched a movei a few weeks ago called "he is just not that into you". Do you think the message is clear in that she is also not that into me but rather more into her habit!

Any comments welcome. Just going mad!

bunkie65

Pincho, hi I too know the frustration you speak of. I can tell you for me I find that I just don't want to let go I suppose. Letting go and letting God is hard. For me it has been. I say his will but really I have wanted his will to be mine.... and wow ((gulp))) just had that awareness, now what??? Well ...

Progress not perfection!!!!!!

One day at a time!

My ex has several items of mine and some I need! I have called and text him and nothing! Talk about pissed and we have 2 sons together and he does not talk to them! Talk about "HOT"! Yeah if I think about it it can get real good and mad, espically if I call and he does not pick up, which I did yesterday! It had been a week since I tried last to get my stuff. Anyway my point is I have to accept powerlessness and take care of me! Let go of my stuff which is tied to him. And move on! He is using and does not care about me or his sons or my stupid "stuff"! I also know emotional manipulation is a way he has been able to hook me in the past! The "dance" me calling and texting and him not answer then months later he calls out of the blue as if nothing happened! And for years I have fallen into his web! And did the emotional cha cha! So I say all this to share my experince and perspective in hopes something helps!
Obsessing about him and my stuff is unhealthy and pondering what if? Why? Why not? Is a huge mental fog! Its not healthy and I choose to go to a meeting, call my sponsor or an alanon friend and post here or read! I put a plan in place to take care of me emotionally etc..... I have serenity and its precious to me, I can't just hand it over to someone...! So take care of you and remmber take care of you! Emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically! Do you attend alanon or naranon? I highly recommend it! When I get pissed like that I get to a meeting asap!!!!!

Prayers and hugs and thanks for sharing!

bunkie65

Oh yeah and for the movie compairson..... well in my experience active addicts are only into getting the next high! They are not even into their kids! Its not personal it is what it is! Trying to have a relationship with an active user is like wanting a slice of american cheese and and getting swiss! Or expecting them to act like a non user is like going to the hardware to get bread! Not going to get what your looking for! Until they choose recovery its a whirlwind of unstable Inconsistantentsy ....

crazybabie

The simple truth is as long as they area using the drugs is and will remain their first love, the drug will come first.

? What to do, what to do?

Only you can decide that have you been to any meetings?
Keep reading, keep posting and in my case I had to admit my and my addicts are not unique.

jerect

In my experience, when my AH is using he tends to withdrawal from family and other loved ones, including myself.. don't really know the reason why and I've exhausted myself trying to figure out why..

I've both seen the movie or referring to and have read the book as well.. this book really refers to "normal" relationships not ones that are shared with active addicts.. addicts in active addiction do not love themselves nor are they "into" themselves or their well being so there is no way in hell that they can offer another person these things.. do not take it personally or a sign of rejection as you maybe would in a normal relationship with a non addictive partner.. ( well actually you shouldn't take it personally in a normal relationship either as your self worth should never be determined by another person wanting to be with you or not)..

As you will read over and over again in this forum, addicts only care about getting high, getting their next fix.. wash, rinse and repeat.. that is their main goal for the day.. heck some days I think my AH is so high that he forgets about his friends, family and loved ones.. no worries though, she is not going to fade away from you.. if you have enabled her addiction at all then be rest assured that she will text you back and she will come knocking on your door soon because all addicts need to be rescued or at least they think they do, they are always needing money, food or a place to crash for the night.. question is, what are you going to do when she texts you back or knocks on your door late at night.. continue the cycle of insanity or refuse to engage in her behavior?

Tarot

The other most important lesson about that movie too Pincho is that it's better to move on and find the right one.

Read the sticky...What addicts do. ^^^ It certainly helped me to put mine into perspective.

pinchofsalt

Thank-you all. Very valid. I guess wishing for the normal is a pipe dream and by trying to get her to be involved in normal things is just enabling her and I am opening myself up for a world of hurt!

jerect

Pinchofsalt, you must remember that addicts are not normal and that you will never have a normal relationship with someone that's first priority is getting high.. Believe me I tried for 5 years to do just that and got nothing but hurt, anger, resentment and my heart trampled on...

Focus on you.. Get involved in your own life and recovery.. If you plan on staying involved with her then you need to detach from the disease and accept her just as she is.. She is not going to change until she is ready and willing...

Keep posting here and reading the stickies like someone else said...

JimmyDesperate

I am in the beginning of detaching from the woman I love(d). I sent her an email 3 days ago where I stated I would cut all ties with her because of her drug problem after I confronted her and she insisted she had no drug problem.

Her behavior matches the description mentioned here. Not answering the phone, not answering texts and emails. I have to add clever as she is, or maybe stupid as I am for a very long time she sold her odd behavior as depression. We were in a long distance relationship. It was easy for her to hide her drug problem. About two weeks ago I started to put the pieces together by researching about Speed. She´s hooked on Adderall. She gets it without a prescription and who knows what else she is taking since her social environment makes access to drugs of all kinds very easy.

I am hurting right now very badly. I read some of the sticky´s and that reassures me I did the right thing. I have no doubt they are spot on. My mind realizes that. But that doesn´t make my pain go away today. It is bad, I hardly eat, I can´t focus on work. At work I was several times at the brink of crying thinking about her. There´s this damned inner voice asking what if you would call her, what if you would do this or that. How is she doing? You need to know how she is doing. You need to do something. You can´t let her ruin herself. You must prevent it. You must be supportive. I am the one who can help. Her love for me must mean something, doesn´t it. Messina´s article about the hooks is great, number 9 and 10 are exactly what I am thinking to counter my pain. What if I made it only worse? I check my email account countless times and when I get a text I wish it was from her.

I am fighting to get in touch with her, or rather try to get in touch with her.
I know she wont answer, but I would love her to answer. I can relate to the getting mad. I was livid when she wouldn´t respond and partly I am also mad today she didn´t say anything. I am also mad at me it still has an effect on me. I should know better. That´s the way she operates. Yes,
why in the world does it still hurt me? Even knowing she is a substance abuser.

I miss the person I feel in love with like hell. Things were rather good till one year ago. I still want that person, but that person doesn´t exist anymore. Seems she needs to hit rock bottom.

As soon as I realized she had a drug problem, I knew there could be only two outcomes. Either my confrontation would work or I would have to let go of her for good. But I wish I could talk to her and it would make a positive difference. And I would know there´s hope for her.

peacedout2

I have struggled with an addict for years now. She has gone through ups and downs with the most recent 5 months being very bad. I have never been able to figure out what it is that sets her into the using mood. The behavior was so odd I could never figure it out. We commuted to see one another for the past 2 years up until the past 7 months. She drove >4 hours to see me every single weekend and I have had suspicions of her using all through that time. It never made much sense to me why she would come see me from so far but every end of the weekend I could tell she was ready to get back to her life where she could be using whenever she wanted.

When there would be weekends I had to be gone for work so we could not see each other it was always very difficult to get ahold of her. I would try and try and worry like you are talking about. I would get angry when she would not get back in touch with me. It was insane and it drove me nuts. Couldnt eat couldnt sleep it affected my work. It just plain sucked. So this week I decided to kick her out of my house because things were so bad I just could not deal with it anymore. I told her she had to get into treatment and had talked to her family to hope they would follow through because I knew she would run right to them. And her mother always bails her out. I didnt hear from her from Monday until Friday and I just forced myself not to contact her. I got a call from her this morning that she was checking into rehab and wouldnt be calling me for awhile. I dont know whether to believe her or not. So my advice to you as hard as it is is to just let her go and proceed as if things are never going to be different and start to live your life. I am probably not the best one to give advice as I am just at the very beginning of dealing with all of this but I know exactly how you are feeling and I have gone through the same feelings over and over and over with her. Dont know if I made much sense lol but I am glad I found this forum and hope it will help to talk about everything with all here.

crazybabie

Welcome to SR. peacedout2

JimmyDesperate

Peacedout2, that makes perfect sense.

I relapsed yesterday, sent some texts and called once, but luckily didn´t get any response. I am still in the process of understanding the whole situation. She´s an addict and I am a co-dependent. I find it difficult that me and her will never ever talk about it. I guess I´d like to have one big final talk about everything with her.

I thought about to go visit her and try to organize an intervention, but I do want to distance myself. Get her out of my life and out of my thoughts. Also, she isn´t ready and she has no social network I could turn to. Her sister is an alcoholic. Her mother died. Father gone. Her friends are doing all kinds of drugs. That´s one of her big arguments there isn´t a problem since she´s using responsibly, gets her drugs from friends. So, that makes it perfectly okay for her to get high. It was a hook for me telling myself I am prob the only positive influence in her life. All her former relationships ended bad and I am sure I am not the first guy she has been going through this. Silent treatment is abusive behavior. I debated that with her many, many times before I knew she had a drug problem. I wish I had know earlier could have saved me a lot of pain. Now that I know, it´s not hurting at all. She´s sick.

I hope you were told the truth about rehab.

Hope4Bella

as it took me 5yrs to finally let go of the man I married and not having any knowledge of addiction and how to deal with it..I simply just wanted it to go away so we could get back to life and our new daughter..I finally DID leave him and took my daughter away to raise by myself while he spent most of her childhood in prison. Now having educated myself on the subject and doing my best to educate my daughter I have unfortunately lost her to a whole different addiction. I actually thought that telling people to give up on their loved ones with drug addiction because of the pain I went thru for the end result to still be the same was some sort of helpful advice. Now that my daughter is an addict I realize that their is NO Chance I will ever give up. I joined this site today so I could get help & support for myself and my daughter but I see I can offer advice on a similar situation. Educate yourself...everyway that you can and you HAVE to remember that you did NOT cause it but you also cannot fix it. Sadly enough I do not have a sucess story for you but I hope to one day.