Audrey1

I am new to this site and desperately looking for answers from both people who have an alcoholic partner and those who are alcoholics themselves.

My partner is an alcoholic. We have been together for three years, and our relationship is serious. I only noticed the drinking problem when I moved in with him and saw how much he changed when he drank.

I have tried really hard to make this relationship work, and I know he loves me more than life itself but he has only just admitted he has a problem and made an appointment to see someone. He has only done this as I moved out a few of days ago. The appointment was yesterday.

I am in a very difficult position as I am living in his country and most people here don't speak English so I am very isolated. It's a big drinking country (especially his family), so I feel like I am constantly fighting against the tide. Luckily, I am staying with friends now, but I need to work out what I'm doing as I feel just terrible. Truly awful.

I love my partner dearly and and he is a wonderful person in many ways, but I won't go through this anymore. He has a multitude of problems, which will never be resolved if he continues to drink. Even if he doesn't drink, they are significant.

He has promised me he will sort it out now. I believe he means it for now, but I can't be sure it will just be another one of his promises.

Leaving him has been very difficult. I have him and his family hounding me with guilt. He can't bear to spend just one night without me so I am constantly bombarded with calls, visits, and messages begging me to come home, even though I have asked for space. Even his mother is trying to interfere, as she tends to do.

I am unsure whether to give him another chance and love back in to support him through his recovery, or leave completely and hope he will sort himself out. The problem is, if I leave completely I will have to go back to my own country which is on the other side of the world. I have considered doing this, however, and telling him that if he really loves me that he must prove it by sorting himself out and finding his own way to me when he is sober. It may seem unreasonable but I actually did this for him, so isn't it fair to ask him to do it for me? I guess I could always stay here and live elsewhere but I think it will be too difficult. It's a small town and I have invested so much in our house that I don't want to have to rent a new apartment and essentially start again.

I'm really torn between staying and trying to help him, and leaving and forcing him to take this all as seriously as possible. I am meeting him today for him to tell me about his first session with the counsellor.

I guess my question is, is support a good or bad thing when someone is getting help for alcoholism? I have read conflicting reports about this. And what about my support?! I have been pretty damaged by all of this, but I'm expected to just keep on keeping on.

Any information or advice anyone has would be really helpful.

Thanks.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

You have found a wonderful resource of information and support. I encourage you to read, read, read and post as needed. Some of our stories are in the permanent posts at the top of this main forum page. They are referred to as stickies. I always find inspiration in those posts.

Advice:
This is your one precious life. You can decide how you want to live it.

You have been affected by someone else's addiction. It is okay to step away from the addict and work on your own recovery. Especially while the addict works their own recovery program.

I have found (speaking as a recovering alcoholic and as a recovering ex-spouse of an alcoholic) that the best form of support for me comes from professionals OR from others that have more experience in recovery than myself.

Therefore, the best source of support for your ABF (alcoholic boy friend), IMHO, would be professionals or support group members with more time in recovery than him.

You don't have to decide your entire future by 3 p.m. today, right?

Give yourself time and space to make healthy decisions for your life. That includes going NO Contact with him and his family. (turn off the phone, stop replying to texts, emails, etc). If they can't respect your desire for time and space, that is proof that they are manipulating you and minimizing your needs. For me, that is unacceptable behavior.

Tuffgirl

Welcome, Audrey! So sorry for the situation that brings you to this site, but glad you are here.

I'd be careful about making your decisions based on how he behaves or reacts, because you really don't know if he will take this seriously if you leave. You also can't "help" him unless he wants and specifically asks for your help. This is something he needs to do on his own, for himself and no one else.

So the idea of being torn really doesn't apply here, because neither option is a viable one. How about thinking about your future and what you want and need your life to look like and how to best proceed with your plans, regardless of what he does or doesn't do? Make decisions based on what's best for you. If you want to stay in this country you are in - go find a way to do it on your own. If that's not possible, then you know what your other options are. Just make sure whatever you do, you do for you, not because you think it may get some kind of behavior change on his part.

Good luck, keep reading here, and keep us posted!
~T

Sueski

Hi Audrey. Welcome - I'm glad you're here, but sorry for the reasons.

What occurred to me while reading your post is to wonder how happy you are in your new country. If he were entirely out of the picture, is this a place you'd be happy to live?

Don't forget, as Pelican said, nothing needs to be decided by 3pm!! Take care.

Audrey1

Thanks for all your suggestions.

I met with my ABF yesterday to see what happened in the meeting. He has been recommended to take three and a half months of therapy, once a week. It is expensive, but he is going to do it. I was worried he would ask me for the money, as he doesn't have a lot of money on account of his lack of responsibility, but thankfully he realised he has to pay for this himself. He is very afraid of any doctor, so the appointment was particularly scary for him, but he said he came out of there feeling better and ready to accept he must stop drinking completely. He had a good connection with the therapist so that's very important.

He was a big mess when I saw him. He is not coping without me. I realise this is not a reason to go back, but I think my coming back is more of a concern to him than this therapy. His love has always been very intense and he has tended to throw caution to the wind, whereas I think more practically. I'm so incredibly saddened by the fact that the person who has given me the greatest, most generous love, has also been so extremely selfish in the pain he has caused me, and the hatred directed at me when drunk.

What I did notice about the conversations we've had is that we have been able to talk much better. Although his crying and shaking and begging is manipulative (I'm not sure he means to be), he no longer belittles what I say, becomes sarcastic, tries to change the subject, plays dumb, or gets angry to try to make me feel guilty. This is a huge change. The other times I have confronted him about his drinking in the past, or any other problem in our relationship really, he has reacted very badly which means I have not been able to talk to him, whichever way I try. I am trying not to be to optimistic about this improvement, as I am sure it can can change at any time, but it's something to watch.

I told him I am getting out of town for a few days and he agreed I should. This is another big change because he used to (and perhaps still does in his mind) immediately imagine I would either a) meet someone else, or b) disappear, so he basically made me feel so bad about taking a trip by myself that I would never go. This time, he said he even wants to help me plan it, but I told him I would do it myself.

He wanted me to speak with his therapist so I called him last night. Unfortunately, his English was not very good so I am probably more confused than I was before. I think he told me it was serious, but that everything would be okay. That I could support him, but to leave him if things don't change. Very difficult to know, really, on account of the language barrier. Either way, ABF has made the next appointment for next week.

As for the questions I received after my first post, I find the country I am in interesting in many ways, but I/we never planned on staying here long term. Despite the bad things that happened at home, I love our little house in the forest with our two cats. I do a lot of personal writing and it was very tranquil at times. I realise this probably sounds a bit lame. But I found the village and country in general very depressing at times as there is a big problem with alcohol here, and I see people drunk from the morning onwards all day. ABF never saw these people as having a problem before, but perhaps he is seeing it differently now. I used to think (be convinced) maybe I was just being overly sensitive as my family are not big drinkers at all, and neither are my friends back home.

Also, my career prospects here are basically non-existant due to the language problem and general area we live, and although I have picked up a lot of work related to my field that I can do remotely, it has come to the point that it is no longer going to help progress me in my career unless I make a change. My career is important to me, so I feel a bit held back here. ABF struggles with this country himself, and left here when he was 17, so we only planned a short stay. But as you probably all know, things get delayed when you have an alcoholic partner. The motivation is not there and neither is the time to plan things. I got tired of pushing and pushing. We were finally in the process of applying for his visa to my country when I moved out. I had printed the application form off over a year earlier as it is difficult for foreigners to get a resident visa for my country, but it's taken this long for him to sit down with me and start filling it out. He wanted to go, but always leaned heavily on me to do it all for him. To do everything for him in fact.

So no, unless I had an amazing job here or a lot of money to afford to concentrate on my writing I would not want to stay otherwise. I feel (after this time apart) that perhaps I could stay a bit longer to perhaps give this a final chance, but again, I am going back and forth in my mind. Exactly how much time and energy am I prepared to lose to this person?

This whole situation is exacerbated as I cared for my last partner for years as he battled cancer until his death. This was a 24-hour job. It nearly killed me and I never wanted to be in a relationship, or even touch another man again. I was in my mid-20s. But three years later I finally reconsidered when I met ABF. And three years after that, I am here today writing long posts to strangers and asking for advice. I feel like a complete failure.

Sueski

Well, you are not a failure. You are a person in a challenging situation. You are clearly an intelligent, articulate, deeply caring and productive person, so don't worry about that. And a little house in the forest with two cats and tranquillity sounds absolutely awesome! NOT lame at all.

Tuffgirl reminded me in another post that waiting and being patient are valid and necessary parts of the process for us. You can use the time to mull it all over and look for your own answers. Keep coming back here. It really helps. The nicest strangers I've ever met!! Best of luck to you - I know this stuff is hard.

Audrey1

Thank you so much, Sueski. I have been holding all of this in for so long, stupidly thinking I was protecting him that I forgot myself. It's nice to know people out there understand and care.