RedBaron5

You've heard my story a million times, beautiful girl, beautiful honeymoon period. we dated for about year, I had to go away for a while. She got on heroin. I came back and we dated for about 4 months while she was using, I was an enabler and codependent. We tried NA, she was just stalling. Finally I had enough and had an intervention. Her family sent her off the rehab, she would call me everyday and tell me how much she missed me and wanted a life with me. How she was going to get better. we were DEFINATLY in a defined commited relationship through all this. Well im sure this has happened a 100 times before, she slept with some dude at rehab, I found out, she spilled the truth. was regrettful, saying she only wants me blah blah..

The meat and potatoes is, in "normal" relationships, this is a deal breaker everytime. zero tolerance. But her counsellor, and some alanon membersa say, in a drug situation some addicts replace their drug with another drug, a "infidelity high"

Does drug use ever excuse cheating? Is the cheating just part of the addict behavior? Should I hold on and just hope the non addict girl comes back to me? Or is this where i draw the line?

Is cheating in a "drug" situation any different than normal cheating?

Thank you.

zoso77

I see this is your first post. Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you found us...

...and you're asking a very, very difficult question. The reason why it's difficult is what may be acceptable to me or others may not be acceptable to you, so when I answer this question, I have to be clear that this is what I think and feel, not what you should think for feel.

I found out at the end of my relationship with my AXGF that she had cheated on me multiple times, and she admitted this with relish, with glee, and without any sense of remorse or regret. And it was at that moment whatever I felt for her ceased to exist. I was done.

The eyes of an addict only look in one direction when they're using, and that's inward. It's all about them, and the mental and cognitive gymnastics they will do to justify their behavior or actions knows no bounds. They will steal from you. They will cheat on you. They will lie to your face time and time again. It's what they are. Is it the disease talking or is it characterlogical? I don't think it really matters much because the end result is the same. Go to our home page and read "What Addicts Do". It was written by an addict. Read it until it sinks in.

If an addict's lips are moving when they are in active addiction, they're lying.

In the end, you have to decide what your boundaries are and what you're willing to tolerate. But speaking only for myself, if I'm going to invest emotionally in a romantic relationship, they better be faithful because if they're not, I'm gone. Simple as that. Won't tolerate it. Just because someone's an addict or someone's mental ill doesn't excuse bad behavior. Ever.

When you make your decision, please make it based on what you know to be true and not what you wish to believe. There's a huge difference between the two.

Best,
ZoSo

EnglishGarden

The non-addict girl is a girl who picked up heroin while you were away. So she still does need to go through a long period of personal growth and change before she could be ready for committed relationship. People pick up heroin for a reason. Until she is abstinent for a year to three years and matures through counseling and work on her underlying issues in sobriety, she cannot be who you need her to be. The heroin, the rehab escape, both are symptoms of a deeper matter which must be addressed before she can meet you as a whole person who is ready to be a partner in life.

It is your choice to step back and wait, or you may wish to let go entirely. But if you decide to wait and see how her life unfolds and how that affects your life and whether there is hope for reunion in a year or two, I suggest you enter counseling so you do not sacrifice far more than you should. I know what it is to wait and see, and had I not been in counseling, I think the waiting would have made me quite emotionally ill, as my entire focus would have been on the other person. I had hard enough time with self-focus even with Al-Anon and counseling. We hold such hope, we have such longing, and we are simply unable to change the reality that the addict is too self-absorbed to care for us. It is very painful.

DoubleBarrel

I have zero opinion on what two consenting adults do.
Read carefully, the key word being consenting.

She's a cheater.
The question is what you are willing to tolerate. So what if she's replaced a drug with this guy?
If you weren't consenting, and she wasn't raped, she broke the rules. You said normally this would be a deal breaker for you.
Your making an exception for her being an addict is enabling her addiction.
You forgiving her because we are human and you love her and are willing to work it out, well, that's something else.

laurie6781

That is the biggest pile of bull doo doo I have heard in a long time. That in essence is giving the A an excuse. She is still quacking as to why, your blah blah blah was right on.

Only you can decide if this is the 'straw' that breaks the camels back or not.

If I were you, and I have been in recovery both as an A and as a codependent for a long time now, I would Adios.

Welcome to Sober Recovery. Please look around the site and this forum. Be sure to read all the 'stickys' at the top of the forum and check out the different threads and the responses.

You have a site with folks with lots of great Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) and they are willing to share it with others who come here.

Please feel free to keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much. You can vent, rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh. We have been there.

Love and hugs,

RedBaron5

Thank you so much for the warm welcomes and opinions. Yes it is very painful, I've put my life on hold in so many ways hoping to get the non addict I love back, like so many of you have. I've accepted the three CCC's. Everyday I get up I think to myself what can I do for myself today. The girl I love is projecting, still lying out of rehab to her family, and displaying other non healthy behavior. I Will wait and see what happens, and by wait I mean, not get into another relationship, concentrate on moving MY life forward, and see if she comes around as a healthy, accepting person taking their recovery seriously. If she comes around, good, if she doesnt, it wasnt meant to be. Anyone see anything unhealthy with this? thank you.

Kindeyes

Cheating is never acceptable. I think the question is "is cheating something I can forgive".

I don't buy the "it's part of replacing an addiction" explanation. We can love a person unconditionally....but that doesn't mean that we have to unconditionally accept inappropriate behaviors.

Actions have consequences. When they don't, it is a free pass to repeat. Unfortunately those consequences sometimes break our hearts too.

gentle hugs
ke

Freedom1990

No.

outtolunch

Addiction does not excuse manipulation, lying, cheating and/or stealing.

My gut says she is not done with drugs. Only you can decide if you are worth more than playing the sloppy second role to her addiction.

jerect

Welcome to SR

No Cheating in a drug situation is not any different than normal cheating.. cheating is cheating IMO.. Cheating is a choice one makes to step outside of their relationship to find fulfillment elsewhere.. being in rehab was just a means of justifying her cheating..

The WE tired NA concerns me.. This tells me that you have your hands in her recovery or lack thereof.. what about yours? Take the focus off of her and put it on you.. you are correct you didn't cause it, cant control it and can't cure it.. Get to some meetings and read the book codependent No More..

You have to decide what is acceptable and what is not acceptable.. I can tell you that my STBXH cheated on me at least 2 times.. was it because of his addiction? Nah, it's just who he is as a person..

supportforme

Hello and Welcome. You've received some great advice. I spent many years trying to find the validation and rationale that my xAH cheated on me b/c he was an addict. I realize now, I was just trying to make myself feel better by finding a way to justify his unacceptable behavior. I wanted an excuse to get past the hurt. Eventually, after years of therapy and working on myself, what I realized is that yes my xAH was an addict; but, he cheated on me b/c he wanted to cheat on me. This was a hard pill (no pun intended) for me to swallow. I had to accept that his addiction was not an excuse for the fact that he choose to cheat on me and break our vows. There is some great advice on this site. The best thing you can do is work on you. This way regardless of what she does, you will remain healthy and sane.

MLH2282

I understand your dilemma. My EXABF started cheating on me while he was still living with me. He had been in active addiction for at least a year and a half. At the time, I was willing to see if we could salvage our relationship, but I told him what I expected from him. In the end, he wasn't able to satisfy my expectations, and I ended the relationship. Healing has been difficult and confusing, but it has helped me to hold him responsible for his actions.

We all know that addicts do and say horrible things to loved ones while in active addiction, but the pain is still the same either way. Maybe they wouldn't act the same if they weren't using, but that's irrelevant. Nothing justifies bad behavior, and you are entitled to the pain associated with her infidelity. It's hard because love is blind deaf and dumb.

Even after all my EXABF put me through, a small part of me entertains the thought of us getting back together. However, I am realistic as to what it would take for that to actually happen. I think your plan sounds healthy, but it's only healthy if you adhere to it. I don't think there is anything wrong with the wait and see approach, but know what you expect from her, and don't let her cut any corners.

Miller05

when i discovered my husband's infedelities, i wanted to come up with a reasonable explanation on why he did this to me...to our marriage. why? i needed an answer. it was easy and inviting to blame it on the coke and alcohol....i mean he did...so why couldnt i? but what i have learned through my own personal therapy....attending rehab sessions with my husband...and learning from his own personal therapy sessions....and talking to countless addicts is that bottom line...he did what he wanted to do. he made horrific choices that destroyed our marriage. the man is an addict....he has a lot of issues that he needs to work out that have nothing to do with me. he does drugs and alcohol because he has some deep issues...and uses these substances and cheating to fullfil some type of void in his life...cover up his own pain. it is really sad...but it is the truth.

is the lying acceptable because he is an addict...no....is the cheating acceptable becasue he is an addict..no...is the stealing acceptable becasue he is an addict....no...is him destroying our family by living a destructive lifestyle acceptable becasue he is an addict...no. none of it is acceptable. it is ALL part of the addict's life spiraling out of control. it is up to THEM to get help and made the hard changes in their life to be a better person...an honorable person....and address the underlying issues that drive them to do these horrible things to themselves and people around them.

a lot of people always say they would leave if their loved one cheated...but honestly...you cant listen to them...because at the end of the day...every situation is different and until they are in your shoes...who knows what they would do. i was one of those people...i never thought in a million years i would be with a man who cheated on me...let alone an addict. and i was one of those people who was preachy and turned my nose up...until it happend to me. but then...i never thought my husband would be taking so many steps to change his life either....you know?

take your time with your decision. every relationship has it's own dna, you know? when i was on my therapist's couch...she told me that 80% of her married couples are dealing with infedelity...dont be fooled...it happens a lot whether the person is on drugs or not....and a lot of people saying they would leave if their spouse ever cheated may not know they have been betrayed...or it has not happend to them. the question is....what do you want? is he worth the time, work, and effort it will take to rebuilt the marriage. that is something only you can decide. not anyone on this site. you know?

please feel free to send me a private message if you want to talk.

best wishes to you.

EnglishGarden

I feel the need to weigh in again.

I have reached midlife now, and I have, over the years, been friends with some of the finest people in the world. And some of those friends were unfaithful to their partners. I have never been unfaithful in my committed relationships but I can say that some of the best people I have ever known have betrayed their partners.

Could I resume relationship with someone who had an affair behind my back? No. I haven't the wiring for it. But some do. Some people can forgive their partners and rebuild the damaged relationship. I have friends who have done this. I also have friends whose spouses never found out the truth. All involved--and I tell you, I have known over the decades many people who have been unfaithful to their partners--were sober people. Loving parents. Good citizens. Caring and compassionate friends. Who--in a period of utter confusion and delusion and denial--cheated on their spouses.

Redbaron, the difference between my friends who betrayed their partners and their own core principles by living a life of lies, and your former partner, is that my friends were not brain damaged, were not heroin addicts, were not even young, as your exagf is. They were all people with life experience, pretty well integrated psychologically, and utterly and completely sober. They each went through a period of wilderness within themselves and within their marriages, but because they had some maturity and some self-control, they had at least a chance of repairing a broken marriage and most certainly could face themselves. In this world, many people go off course, and for some, the consequences of that unfortunate detour becomes the most powerful learning experience they have ever known.

Your former partner picked up heroin--HEROIN--because she is in some deep way extremely troubled. She cheated with someone in rehab for the same reason. Some would speculate she has a history of being abused, and perhaps childhood sexual abuse. The result of childhood abuse without any treatment of any kind is often an almost non-existent sense of self and a complete inability to regulate one's emotions and one's choices.

Addicts do a lot of terrible things. They drive drunk with their babies strapped in car seats. They hit their wives and their kids. They spew the most filthy forms of criticism toward innocent human beings who can never un-hear what was said, and may be in therapy for years trying to get over it. And they cheat.

They cheat. Among other things. It is just one of a long list of violations born of addiction.

Your addict girlfriend cheated. She will do more damage to more people and maybe for a long time. Because she is extremely unstable. She is not integrated. She cannot process and learn from her experiences. Not today anyway.

If you want a partner who will not cheat, you have a better chance if you choose someone who is not an active addict or who is in early recovery.

But even good people sometimes wander off the path and cheat and lie to their spouses.

alybally

Redbaron, I would like to know how the story ended.

zoso77

Hey...RedBaron hasn't posted in about two years.

I was the first member who responded to the post. What do you want to know?

KeyofC

Long lost post...I removed my comment. thanks

KeyofC

Oops my bad...I didn't look I thought this was new...

Needabreak

The girlfriend is now his ex-girlfriend. If you click on his name and select "find more posts by redbaron," you can read the history.

alybally

I'm new but I tried that and couldn't figure it out. Let me try again. I would like to know how these stories end even though I'm sure they are probably mostly all the same. :-(