Tarot

Having him in prison has given me a massive amount of peace of mind that I won't bump into him every time i walk into town or he won't be sending me lots of late night drunken texts or I won't be getting that phone call to say he's taken his binge too far this time...again. I have been wanting to tell him that it's over, to get some closure, but I thought of the guilt I would feel if anything happened to him and have just left things hanging. But now he is in a safe place, I have written several letters mostly angry ranting but one is full of understanding and detaching with love (my emotions are flipping from one extreme to the other). It's felt good to get all those thoughts that swim around your head all the time down on paper, to say all the things you really want to say. Now that he is straight and sober some of it may sink in, though I have no delusions of any of it making any difference. I have written them for my benefit. My question is though...do I post them? Cut that last tie. He's been in and out of prison most of his life so that's water off a ducks back for him and he's out next week but is it still a bit harsh???

Impurrfect

((Tarot)) - My ex never went to prison, but he was in jail for quite a long time. We had already split, but I still wrote to him as a friend (me codie?). I was hoping that MY recovery would encourage him to seek his own (we had shared an addiction). When he wrote back, made all the promises he always made, I told him we would never be together again and do NOT ask me for money any more as I would not send him any. Never heard from him again.

I don't think it's harsh, at all. Even if my ex HAD gotten into recovery, I was done. Just my 2 cents.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Tarot

His letter to me is like yours Impurrfect...full of promises and about what he's going to do...always what he's going to do! How he's sorry and loves me and blah blah blah. Same old quack! He asked me for money on the phone but I shot him down for even asking. I think I will send these letters, get it all off my chest, cut that last thread and that will be that. I won't answer the phone again and I certainly won't be meeting him at the gate as he's asked! I will get my closure and he will hopefully understand why. Silence would be golden Cynical One...thanks guyz xx

Vale

WE want closure.THEY want money.

(Irreconcilable differences)

SeekingGrowth

I guess I would take the opposite approach. I would send the "detaching with love" letter. And if you don't want further contact with him, tell him so in the letter, and then refuse any contact should he try to get in touch with you after that. To just suddenly stop communication, with no explanation, seems unnecessarily hostile to me. He has a disease and his intolerable behavior is a manifestation of it. Only he has the power to get it under control, and since he appears to be unable or unwilling to do so, you certainly should feel no guilt for deciding that you don't want to live with it. But I don't know ... it seems especially hurtful to end things without explanation.

Kindeyes

There is nothing hurtful about taking care of you first. Nothing. Our actions speak far louder than our words could ever shout. A letter does nothing but invite retort......examine your own motivations before posting a letter.......would you expect a response? Honestly....I would.

I love Cynical's way of dealing with the letter thing. Another beautiful way to deal with it would be to take it outside and burn it........saying a prayer and giving it up to God. Then let go........as the smoke rises.

.

This made me chuckle.........

gentle hugs
ke

outtolunch

Given he's out next week, how likely is it that any letter will reach him before he's back on the street?

I think " closure" is highly over rated and often is nothing more than the initiator's attempt to allow themselves to be talked off the ledge and remain engaged in the never ending relationship drama.

I would be more inclined to change my phone number to avoid the texts and calls going forward.

Tarot

I have compromised and sent the one detaching with love just be wise I needed the closure. I realized the others were just the same thing I have been saying over and over all the way through our relationship, he didn't listen then so why would he listen now? Still it felt good to get them thoughts out of my head. I need him to know that it's over. He still thinks I'm sitting here waiting for him. I needed to put him straight for me to be able to move on. His letter today was saying that he's been going to the NA meetings in there...amazing how they have suddenly become attractive when he's nothing else to do other than sit in his cell all day! Too little too late mate. It's not good reading that prison talk...I have to focus on the fact that it is just that. Maybe when he starts to tell the truth and not just what he thinks I want to hear I will take note.

Thanks everyone for your help and support. I would still be on that merry-go-round of insanity without you guyz. Thankyou all so much!! xx

kthopkt

I wrote so many frickin letters to my brother while he was in prison for 18 months. I was so honest & sincere but never got the response back that I wanted. I now wish I hadn't sent all those letters because they didn't do any good. He wasn't ready to recover & was right back to using within 3 months of his release. I think those letters just served as a way for him to continue to manipulate me & I am afraid the same thing will happen with you. I would just walk away from him & HIS problems.

I have spent my entire adult life feeling sorry for my brother because his life has been less than perfect, but I have finally chosen to STOP feeling sorry...it never did either of us any good.

Best of luck!

Vale

----------------------------------------
Closure is VERY highly overrated.
Cutting off easy access is the key.

Yes, they can track you down,rent a helicopter and breach your walls.
But they won't.......too lazy! Like I used to tell my kids----why fly to Europe
to get a quart of milk? You can get one right on the corner.Addicts,like
water,take the path of least resistance.

If you feel the need to know they are alive,just plug their number into
Craigslist and watch them sell stolen stuff.When the activity stops,just
redirect your browser to the webpage of your local judiciary.Never fails.

Trust me,after awhile it becomes so sadly predictable----you lose interest.
SR is much more interesting ( and therapeutic ).

Humor note:If you are going to rip off wheels in the metro Boston area,
take special care that the tires are not still attached to a CLEARLY identifiable
vehicle.For God's sake.Take them into the living room and put a SHEET
behind them! And don't have partial pictures of YOURSELF holding said
wheels! Next time you need to matriculate at one of the premier schools
of larceny.Think state prison.You are just embarrassing professional
thieves everywhere and bringing down the credibility of the craft.
( Even cops like a challenge.....what next? Trying to steal a cop car?
with the cops still in it?)

I'm sure there are stages of codependecy as in grief.
Here's to all of us reaching acceptance,peace,and letting go.
(humor helps)