Redheadsusie

Well- what a year I have had. I just read my posts from years gone by and realize how truly sick I am with low self esteem and co dependency . I cannot or will not get myself out of this situation no matter how miserable I am and need to figure it out. I say I can't take any more loss as I just lost both parents but he does not support me and acts so offended if I ask for any help with anything. I split from AH last January - the pot and the alcohol and the no support and the anger and the name calling - it was the 5th time as embarrased as I am to admit. My parents have both been terminally ill for over 8 years and the stress has been high . Anyway Mom died in 2010 and Daddy gave Cancer a good fight and died in this March- I dealt with it on my own- my sons are awesome - the loves of my life and were there to help me . Come May I get lonely - AH starts dating which super pissed me off - which I know is my problem- I even wrote a post about it - and guess what - I got back with the asshat. He promised the weed was gone the drinking cut back-promised to do things with me - working out again- working period again - doing great. He started staying with me - had lived across street with his folks.. Well when I think about it - he did nothing with me all Summer but boat - which is his thing and involves heavy drinking for him and me driving the boat. the anger came back- the hatred towards me - he refused to wear a wedding ring- he had thrown his in the River when we split and I bought him another and he would not wear it so I took it back. The sick thing is I was not that upset which is whacked. I accept total crap from him- the cussing at me came back slowly- in front of my sons- the criticising of me was not as bad but started - the ignored phone calls and texts - the drinking in the morning after a night shift -


Here is where the kicker is and I need to have someone smack me in the face right now........I told him that after January 1st I need him to help with the mortgage - throughout our marriage I have always paid most of the mortgage - he will only pay a small portion of utilities as he says my son and I use more - he is making $50,000 a year and only spending it on himself- not helping his 2 college daughters with anything - He said all I wanted from him was money and he would not discuss that. He claims he put the down payment on our house 7 years ago and not comfortable paying monthly. I don't even know what to say. He yelled at me about- told me I was ungrateful- you name it . After he says things if I bring them up again he denies them so I feel crazy- I did bring this up again and he said I would make him pissed so to shut up. Is this not so wrong it is mind boggling .

Anyway- his daughter recently got caught with drugs and underage drinking - moved in with some low life - this was a girl with a 4.0 heading to a great college who now is not - and on probation. You would think that would wake him up but no- he has not addressed it with her - rarely calls her - says horrible racist comments about he boyfriend .............why would I be with someone who is so mean - so negative - so full of hate and anger and negativity. I tell him I can barely deal with my grief some days and i can't hear all the negative and he says I am mean and don't support him. He is who he is Sue - he has told you to get over the pot and the drinking------he told me the other day at dinner while grimacing- I make every waking minute of his life miserable. It really didn't bother me that much but I am sure it is slowly killing me. I suck.

Rosiepetal

You most definitely DO NOT suck.
He is mad because you're getting in the way of his drinking.
Alcoholics are selfish & will cast blame on others for their miserable problem.
He is not going to change & unfortunately you can't make him change, he has to do it for himself.
It's time to focus on yourself & get healthy again.
Many of us here have been through this BS & it's hard but we are here for you.
Hugs.

Impurrfect

((Susie)) - Hard to say whether it's the alcohol that makes him selfish. I've known a few alcoholics that, even if they get sober, they're still jerks

BTW, you do NOT suck! It took me quite a while to accept that "he's telling/showing you who he is - believe him".

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

dollydo

Some people are selfish and addiction just intensifies that flaw. My mother is both selfish and an alcoholic, what came first..the chicken or the egg...I do not know, and I really don't care.

So, remind me again....why do you stay with him?

Tuffgirl

Me too ^^^ I found sobriety was not the answer. It was just the end of drinking.

Hang in there!
~T

Redheadsusie

Not sure why I stay- just tried to talk to him - and of course he told me I knew he smoke when we met 13 years ago even though he has told me 10 times he gave it up. He told to get over weed. Of course by end of conversation it was all about how I am a liar and my college son who lives here and attends community college until next year doesn't have to pay on the mortgage why does he. Again - someone hit me with a brick to wake me up. I think I am so ashamed that I could not make this work even though nobody could. He has lost his first wife - his kiks - he doesn't care who he loses as long as he has his drink and his pot. Well he can have it - I just have to move completely away from here. My oldest son told me he is like a fungus. I am just so messed up....................

ZiggyB

I actually found that when axbf was not drinking he was a much nicer person. I loved him for that side of him, but not for the mean, rude, disrespectful person he would turn into. The irony of the thing is he would become so offended & insulted when I turned the tables on him and gave him a taste of his own medicine. No, I am not proud of doing that but I could only take so much.

I understand your codependency and how you keep getting back to him. I think it's all related to fear somehow, fear of being alone, fear of dating again, fear of abandonment.

dollydo

Have you considered therapy?

Your son seems to have a good head on his shoulders, why not listen to him? Believe me, you can survive without a man, why not consider unlocking the door and walking through it...to a new life...one of peace and happiness.

Personally, I think you deserve so much more out of life.

Peacegirl

I could have written that story myself! Right down to drugs of choice (pot and alcohol). Been with my AH for 15 years now and at first I really didn't think much of his usage...we were 25, lots of people drank and smoked a bit of pot. Problem was, once most of us stopped the excess when responsibility came along, he didn't. Throughout the years, it has progressively gotten worse. He's quit 2 times before and when he went back out, it was always worse than before. The selfishness has always been there. You think it will definately change when kids come along...uh, no! Someone else here told me something that really made sense. She said that when they start drinking, they stop growing emotionally and have to learn this after stopping. This would mean that my AH is emotionally a 14 year old. This made things much clearer for me. Positive thing this time around is that he is starting to see his selfish ways. Doesn't totally understand why he is like this but he has told me that he is aware at least. Working his steps is helping though. It is absolutely vital.

Shampoo

Such a painful post! What Tuffgirl says is so true. It must be rare that drinking is the only problem. How could it be? I do believe alcoholism becomes a physiological disease--that people can drink themselves into a state where their bodies--the workings of their bodies--take center stage and respond to alcohol in ways that make it impossible to stop. But drunks come in many flavors. I recall my mother, an alcoholic, who was miserable to be with sober, rather fun to be with when tipsy, and a dragon lady when drunk. My father never once appeared intoxicated in his life--was quiet when sober, charming after a few drinks, but never got beyond charming, even when he was carted off to the hospital with a failing liver. I guess the point I want to make--which I just realized, actually--is that there is an underlying question about these people, and that is: who are they? The wonderful person you met, who later turned out to be an alcoholic may be only one manifestation of a fragmented personality. The 'true' person may be someone else entirely. If there really is a 'true' personality for alcoholics.

Redheadsusie

The sad part is for him - he truly hates himself and that makes me really sad that he is so broken. I am not sure why because he attacks my character and my kids and has no problem saying horrible things about us. I want him to be ok- but being given a 2nd chance with a family who loves you - if that means nothing and he resents us - what else can I do. Give up my life to try to make this broken person happy or pray for him ad move on. Makes me super sad to think how broken he is - but I should be super sad about how I have learned to accept mean comments and hurtful actions towards myself. oh- he knows today is my Daddy's 80th birthday - first birthday since we lost him to cancer and you think he would be nice - hell no. He just can't - it is all about his pain...........

Rosiepetal

Yes it's all about them.
Very selfish people.
Hang in there.
Keep posting.
Hugs.

Seren

Hi Susie,

I'm sorry you find yourself in such a position.

I just want to ask one question:

Why do you hold yourself up to standards that you would think of as unreasonable if applied to anyone else?

thislonelygirl

to answer your question yes and no. alcohol makes some people selfish while others were selfish to begin with.
It seems we all truly have near same experiences with our addicts . Ah too would say mean hateful things to me ..just nasty foul garbage pouring out his mouth...what really struck a nerve with what you said was that he makes 50,000 a year and is stingy with his money claiming you only care about HIS money. Ah too under the influence mind you has said that as well to me....that i am only with him for money etc.....just pure nastiness!
and very insulting and like you there came a point where i was so use to his bad mouth and attitude it was second nature....i lost myself! i became a whisper and not a voice , a thought and not an action. i let this man stand in front of me instead of beside me.
YOU do not suck. HE DOES!
I think YOU need a girls night with friends or a weekend getaway . GO BE YOU. Stop chasing after this guy and letting him knock you down. go out stay out. ignore him ...be with yourself. enjoy life the way he has been. hes not miserable dont let him fool you. he makes 50,000 a yr....none of which goes to anyone other than himself, he can talk to you anyway he wants to, your still with him, he gets to indulge in his addiction and you do what?......support his independance....where is the support in your own?....
go out there and live.
best wishes

redatlanta

There is no puzzle as to why he acts the way he does. Alcoholics and addicts are miserable. Misery loves company. Sounds like you are miserable too. That's exactly how he wants you to be. Now you are the same as him, perfect couple, NOT.

You keep hoping and trying, thinking that somewhere inside him is some compassion for you and what you have been through, Not even today on your Dad's birthday is there one ounce of compassion for you. Wake up Red, it is always going to be like this.

Have you been to al anon? Have you read any books on co-dependency and enabling? I strongly encourage you to go to Al Anon so that you can begin to work on yourself and your sickness. When you realize that you can't help/change/manipulate/stop him is the first step to recovering your life.

You are worth it, your children are worth it, You DO NOT SUCK. Read around on here what Al Anon has done for people, it has saved people's lives. Literally. GO.

Hopeworks

Hi Suzie,

Did you ever see the movie Moonstruck with Cher and Nicholas Cage? Great movie! I know you want a slap to the face so go to this link and watch Cher give Nick a couple of good slaps and tell him to "SNAP OUT OF IT"!!!!!!

cher in moonstruck famous slap - YouTube

I used to go everyday to the hardware store and try to get bread...over and over again for four long miserable years with my XA. I can relate... a lot of people tried to slap me and get me snap out of it but I liked my crazy world where I believed that ONE DAY... ONE AMAZING INCREDIBLE BEAUTIFUL DAY I would wake up to a world of incredible breads and cakes and bakery items so perfect that I would live happily ever after.

No one could convince me otherwise. I was sure my A was the one the very one that was definately going to make it and by GOD... I was going to make sure I was there hovering, helicoptering, controlling to make sure that happened!

So.... I got up everyday and tried to change my world and everyone in it and went around pretty angry all the time because for some very strange reason my A was not cooperating with producing bread for me. Now he was very good about talking about baking me great bread and there was always a lot of bread allegedly in the oven but it always came out burnt or never even got shoved in the oven.

So... you love a baker that hangs out in a hardware store and he doesn't even PROMISE you bfread???? Hey ... never fall in love with potential because I can tell you that alcoholics with potential never seem to achieve all those high and lofty goals and fulfill those wheelbarrow loads of promises that they usually give out.

So... you go to the hardware store and try to get bread and your A tells you that he ain't baking you no bread and is mean as a snake and you still get up everyday and go to the store and ask for more of that treatment????

My ex drunk was at least a manipulative snake who charmed the daylights out of me to keep me on the string and banging on the door trying to get a steady steam of bread going on in my life!

So... how is my slapping you around working out? Trust me I know it is not fun having to strip off the veneer of our own insanity and look at the reality and have to make hard decisions. Hey... hang in there until it hurts so darn bad that you have to leave if you want or hit the eject button and get out the plane that is going down in flames.

This is NOT relationship material. He is not even friendship material. He is a dead weight around your neck in a frothing sea of insanity. I hope there is something about this guy that is a positive because it sounds pretty bad from here... have you made a list of what you like about him??? Is he a sweet romantic with a super hot body and he just woos you with romance and flowers and sweeps you off your feet if you try to get rid of him??? (My XA's mo.... very effective in my case).

There must be something holding you in this relationship and you need to figure that out... when we are in relationships for a long time there is a lot of brain chemicals and hormones that FREAK OUT when we seperate... it is natures way of protecting the family unit and for reproductive purposes for the species. IT IS NOT LOVE... it is chemicals! They will go away in time... so if it's "feelings" and him making you jealous you can get through that.... feelings are not facts. Feelings are not love. He is not relationship material.

Nothing changes if nothing changes! And he has shown you who is ... believe him. He ain't changing... doesn't want to change. period.

So... here is the rest of the story on my XA. So ... I finally get tired of the whole going to the hardware store for bread thing. He relapses again... like a broken record. I pack him up and kick him out. Again. broken record. He takes off for Vegas. Again. broken record. Long story short... car wreck, DUI, couple of arrests, burns his car up and loses all his money in casinos across 6 states over a 4 month period. I am no contact and will not take his calls or help him.

He goes to rehab on his own for the first time. No one forced him as usually happened. He now 3000 miles away and doing fantastic and is in incredibly strong AA recovery in a nest of men who mentoring him and taking him back through the steps.

I can tell you that there is something different this time... he is an amazing sensitive wonderful person sober and a complete jerk when drunk. I love the man God created and despise the drunk and seriously hate the drunk man so much I could put a bullet in him (being brutally honest here about my own sickness).

My XA has a SHOT at getting well because I got out of the way. I got out of the way because I started getting well. I started getting well because I came here and let others slap me "gently"... lol.

I am giving you the big wallop you asked for! Here is the key. It was for me. GET SERIOUS if you want to GET WELL!!!!

You get well by getting serious about the steps... they are the key. Find an alanon group and get a sponsor and start doing the steps. Come back here and get some more slaps when you need them and keep trudging. It gets better.

The person you are looking for is not him. It is you... really. You are worth it! You can achieve your dreams. You can find love when you learn to love yourself. Trust his HP and trust your HP.

Find your path and your own way out. If you get well he may get well... that is huge MAY. Most do not. Move on and trust your HP to work out the details as you go.

Hope that helps. Come back for slaps anytime.

Redheadsusie

You ladies are so smart- I am going to start Al Anon this week and spend time with some friends who are positive and happy and actually like me. I have gotten away from old friends as I am ashamed. The only friends we had here were all heavy drinkers and they are no longer friends. Ah is one of the most selfish people I know before alcohol - so even without it - he is just rotten. I need to remember the Sue that I was before him- I was more happy and joyful than now. I owe it to myself- I need a counselor too - I know that. I can support myself and if I fall down I have sisters who can help and brothers in law and my sons. I need to grow a set - truly- and not let this big bully beat me down anymore. I thought this time being agreeable to everything would make it ok- but he is still the mean, selfish, porn surfing, pot smoking drinker that I keep looking to wake up and say Hey Sue what do you want to do today. I will gro old waiting- life is truly a blessing- losing my Dad and Mom recenlty made me want to enjoy it again. With love and thanks and respect to you all-

redatlanta

The greatest compliment my AH ever gave me (he compliments me a lot) - but the best was "YOu have grown a huge set of balls".

He is now not AH but RAH. We will see where it goes, but al anon and SR gave me my sanity back.

Good luck to a Red from a Red

Sueski

Sue - you absolutely do NOT suck. You sound pretty great to me - caring, loyal, hardworking, smart, funny - babe, you are the whole package!!

BrokenHeartWife

I think you should tell him that he now has to pay X each month for the mortgage and utilities or MOVE OUT. You don't need this moocher in your life.

It doesn't matter that he contributed towards the down payment. That's old news and irrelevant. He's using you.