New here, could use some advice and support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 8
New here, could use some advice and support
Hello,
I can't believe I resorted to this, but I'm pretty desperate for input and could use the support of others who understand addiction. I, myself am not an addict. Sadly, I managed to fall in love with one though.
We were friends for a couple of years first. Eventually, he came out and told me his feelings for me. We are both in our late 20's, and in the same group of friends. We only dated for approx 5-6 months, but we were together almost always during that time, being I stayed at his house for days at a time. About 2 months into our relationship, I started realizing he would drink, for no particular reason. I understood when our friends came over and what not, but other then that, I didn't understand the reason for vodka every night. If it wasn't vodka, it was pot...or both. He had opened up to me that in the past he had a problem with it. He said he had gotten a lot better, and all of his friends told me that he had really cleaned up on his drinking. He was a very good boyfriend, and he was very much my best friend. About 2 weeks ago, is when I realized just how much of a problem the drinking was. I always smelled alcohol on him. One day, I saw him sitting in the living room with a black bag. I didn't want to be nosy and ask what was in it, probably cause in my gut, I already knew. When he left for work, I went through the garbage. I found the bottle of vodka. He had drank 16oz of vodka and then drove to work. My heart sank to my stomach. I confronted him on it and he apologized numerous times. Still, it didn't stop him from drinking more that night and the next day. We got in a huge fight and I told him that the drinking problem was worse then I thought. I threatened to leave. He cried and begged and asked me to stay. He told me that it was a problem and that he knew it was, but that he wanted to stop and didn't want to lose me. I agreed to stay with him as long as he kept trying.
He still drank the next two days, but everytime he did, he told me how much he was having and even let me watch him pour it. In my head, I thought maybe cutting down was the route to take. It wasn't until I did further research that I learned there is no "cutting back" for an alcoholic. I went home the following day. He was off of work and we spent most of the day on the phone. I could tell he had been drinking. That night we got in a huge fight. He said some horrible things, told me I had turned into his father the way I get on him about alcohol and told me to never contact him again. I knew he was drunk, so I agreed, and was completely annoyed. I thought for sure he would call the next day and apologize like usual. He didn't. In fact, he ignored all my texts and calls for a week.
I talked to my family and some friends who told me that I needed to let his parents know immediately. I texted his mom explaining that I was sorry I didn't come to Thanksgiving, and told her how I found all the empty bottles and that I was worried about him and would rather have him hate me then be dead. His mom didn't respond, but I think she knows he already has a problem being she would consistently ask me how he was doing with his drinking.
Last night I texted him again telling him I cared, and that I was sorry I hurt him, but the thought of something happening to him scared me. I told him I needed my things. He got pretty angry and told me he wanted nothing to do with me, to get my s*** and leave him alone. I told him that I couldn't believe he was saying this and that I didn't believe for one second that he didn't care about me as much as I did about him. He said he didn't and that he was pissed at me and didn't want to see me again. I told him that this was not the guy that I knew, and that if he wanted to walk out of my life, then he could, but that I would always care about him. I told him to consider himself single, but that I hope we could be friends someday. He responded with a mere "K".
It hurts like hell. The day we got into a fight, he sat on the phone telling me how he wanted to get help because he wanted a future with me. He told me all the time that I was everything to him. Last week, I sat on the bed and cried because I told him I couldn't be with him if he didn't get help. He cried too, and told me he would fight this, because the thought of losing me breaks his heart.
I'm heartbroken. I miss him. I know that he didn't mean the things he said, but it sure feels like it. I hate that he hates me. I know I did the right thing, but I'm scared that he will never speak to me again. I'm even more afraid that he'll kill himself or someone else by drinking and driving. Maybe I did handle it all wrong. I did nag him about the drinking, I constantly sipped his drinks, and it emotionally drained me. Still, I love the guy, but I HATE this sickness. I dont care if I never see alcohol again. Has anybody ever been through this? I dont know what to expect in the upcoming weeks. I dont know if he'll end out reaching out or if he wont. Still, I know that if he does, I don't know if I'm strong enough to tell him no, or what to say in that matter. I apologize for the length, I guess it wasn't that short after all. If anybody can give me any kind of direction, I'd appreciate it. Thank you.
I can't believe I resorted to this, but I'm pretty desperate for input and could use the support of others who understand addiction. I, myself am not an addict. Sadly, I managed to fall in love with one though.
We were friends for a couple of years first. Eventually, he came out and told me his feelings for me. We are both in our late 20's, and in the same group of friends. We only dated for approx 5-6 months, but we were together almost always during that time, being I stayed at his house for days at a time. About 2 months into our relationship, I started realizing he would drink, for no particular reason. I understood when our friends came over and what not, but other then that, I didn't understand the reason for vodka every night. If it wasn't vodka, it was pot...or both. He had opened up to me that in the past he had a problem with it. He said he had gotten a lot better, and all of his friends told me that he had really cleaned up on his drinking. He was a very good boyfriend, and he was very much my best friend. About 2 weeks ago, is when I realized just how much of a problem the drinking was. I always smelled alcohol on him. One day, I saw him sitting in the living room with a black bag. I didn't want to be nosy and ask what was in it, probably cause in my gut, I already knew. When he left for work, I went through the garbage. I found the bottle of vodka. He had drank 16oz of vodka and then drove to work. My heart sank to my stomach. I confronted him on it and he apologized numerous times. Still, it didn't stop him from drinking more that night and the next day. We got in a huge fight and I told him that the drinking problem was worse then I thought. I threatened to leave. He cried and begged and asked me to stay. He told me that it was a problem and that he knew it was, but that he wanted to stop and didn't want to lose me. I agreed to stay with him as long as he kept trying.
He still drank the next two days, but everytime he did, he told me how much he was having and even let me watch him pour it. In my head, I thought maybe cutting down was the route to take. It wasn't until I did further research that I learned there is no "cutting back" for an alcoholic. I went home the following day. He was off of work and we spent most of the day on the phone. I could tell he had been drinking. That night we got in a huge fight. He said some horrible things, told me I had turned into his father the way I get on him about alcohol and told me to never contact him again. I knew he was drunk, so I agreed, and was completely annoyed. I thought for sure he would call the next day and apologize like usual. He didn't. In fact, he ignored all my texts and calls for a week.
I talked to my family and some friends who told me that I needed to let his parents know immediately. I texted his mom explaining that I was sorry I didn't come to Thanksgiving, and told her how I found all the empty bottles and that I was worried about him and would rather have him hate me then be dead. His mom didn't respond, but I think she knows he already has a problem being she would consistently ask me how he was doing with his drinking.
Last night I texted him again telling him I cared, and that I was sorry I hurt him, but the thought of something happening to him scared me. I told him I needed my things. He got pretty angry and told me he wanted nothing to do with me, to get my s*** and leave him alone. I told him that I couldn't believe he was saying this and that I didn't believe for one second that he didn't care about me as much as I did about him. He said he didn't and that he was pissed at me and didn't want to see me again. I told him that this was not the guy that I knew, and that if he wanted to walk out of my life, then he could, but that I would always care about him. I told him to consider himself single, but that I hope we could be friends someday. He responded with a mere "K".
It hurts like hell. The day we got into a fight, he sat on the phone telling me how he wanted to get help because he wanted a future with me. He told me all the time that I was everything to him. Last week, I sat on the bed and cried because I told him I couldn't be with him if he didn't get help. He cried too, and told me he would fight this, because the thought of losing me breaks his heart.
I'm heartbroken. I miss him. I know that he didn't mean the things he said, but it sure feels like it. I hate that he hates me. I know I did the right thing, but I'm scared that he will never speak to me again. I'm even more afraid that he'll kill himself or someone else by drinking and driving. Maybe I did handle it all wrong. I did nag him about the drinking, I constantly sipped his drinks, and it emotionally drained me. Still, I love the guy, but I HATE this sickness. I dont care if I never see alcohol again. Has anybody ever been through this? I dont know what to expect in the upcoming weeks. I dont know if he'll end out reaching out or if he wont. Still, I know that if he does, I don't know if I'm strong enough to tell him no, or what to say in that matter. I apologize for the length, I guess it wasn't that short after all. If anybody can give me any kind of direction, I'd appreciate it. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Unfortunatly you cannot do much other then speaking To him like you already did. He needs to choose that the problem needs fixing. Don't take personally, it's a bad addiction. I got dumped a few times, or didnt act on ultimatums. Look for al-anon on this site.
Hope he sees the light ;-)
Hope he sees the light ;-)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 145
Hi NCgirl7,
Thanks for sharing. So much of your story resonates with me. I stuck with my XABF for a little over 3 years. We were on and off 3-4 times and each time he promised he would change, he said he wanted a future with me, etc. He was sober for a couple months after he got his DUI, but a little after his court date went smoothly and he got pbj, he relapsed, but lied about it. He was drinking but claiming that he was at AA or somewhere else. He too did a lot of similar things. In one breath would open his heart up, say he was tired of the disease taking over his life, that he knew he needed to stop and in the next breath he'd come home smelling like alcohol. He also started smoking marijuana and said it was because he couldn't drink so this would help him relax.
Ultimately I had to leave him because I reached a point where this future he kept claiming he wanted, I didn't see him do anything to sustain it. He would be good for a little bit then everything would crumble as soon as he picked up a drink. He also said a lot of nasty things about me to his friends and family and to me as well. He claimed that I ruined his life, he told his friends that I was the reason his life was so bad, and for a long time I believed this to be true. I kept thinking maybe I nagged him too much, maybe I should've been more patient, etc. After going to AA with him multiple times a week for several months and Al-Anon, I started to realize that his choices are not MY responsibility. Sure, I might have stressed him out, but no one can make anyone drink, just like no one can make anyone be sober. He chooses to drink. Many times in AA, I found myself asking so how does someone stop drinking? I heard in those rooms, they have to be willing to give themselves to a higher power, to admit they can't deal with alcoholism on their own and they needed help.
My ex was too prideful. He never wanted help. He blamed everyone else for a lot of things. He blamed his family for pressuring him and they are apparently the reason he failed out of college. That is what I heard, but all I saw was them constantly paying every tuition bill when he claimed he was ready to take school seriously then see him quit going to school midway through the semester or wasn't able to go because he got drunk so often. All I saw was his mom saying if he focused on school, she would pay all his expenses. She enabled him. I enabled him, and he ran with it. He stopped going to school, relapsed, smoked weed, and stayed at home and did nothing.
It's a really really hard thing to deal with. Over the 3 years, it got worse and worse and worse because the more I got to know him, the more I gave thinking I was "helping", the more he ran with it and the more it hurt. I invested more and more and he took willingly more and more.
What helped me is I asked myself:
1. While he was a good guy when I met him, in the past, etc, would I date him right now if I met him in this very second?
2. Do I want to deal with this for the REST of my life? When I'm 30? When I'm pregnant? When I'm 50?
Keep coming back to SR. SR really saved my life and gave me the courage to leave him and while the days after having left him are hard and still are, I know that these days are MUCH happier than the days I spent crying, feeling worthless, feeling like he didn't love me, the nights I spent driving around looking for him, the days and weeks he spent ignoring all my texts and calls, everything. These days without him are MUCH easier than the days spent with him.
Thanks for sharing. So much of your story resonates with me. I stuck with my XABF for a little over 3 years. We were on and off 3-4 times and each time he promised he would change, he said he wanted a future with me, etc. He was sober for a couple months after he got his DUI, but a little after his court date went smoothly and he got pbj, he relapsed, but lied about it. He was drinking but claiming that he was at AA or somewhere else. He too did a lot of similar things. In one breath would open his heart up, say he was tired of the disease taking over his life, that he knew he needed to stop and in the next breath he'd come home smelling like alcohol. He also started smoking marijuana and said it was because he couldn't drink so this would help him relax.
Ultimately I had to leave him because I reached a point where this future he kept claiming he wanted, I didn't see him do anything to sustain it. He would be good for a little bit then everything would crumble as soon as he picked up a drink. He also said a lot of nasty things about me to his friends and family and to me as well. He claimed that I ruined his life, he told his friends that I was the reason his life was so bad, and for a long time I believed this to be true. I kept thinking maybe I nagged him too much, maybe I should've been more patient, etc. After going to AA with him multiple times a week for several months and Al-Anon, I started to realize that his choices are not MY responsibility. Sure, I might have stressed him out, but no one can make anyone drink, just like no one can make anyone be sober. He chooses to drink. Many times in AA, I found myself asking so how does someone stop drinking? I heard in those rooms, they have to be willing to give themselves to a higher power, to admit they can't deal with alcoholism on their own and they needed help.
My ex was too prideful. He never wanted help. He blamed everyone else for a lot of things. He blamed his family for pressuring him and they are apparently the reason he failed out of college. That is what I heard, but all I saw was them constantly paying every tuition bill when he claimed he was ready to take school seriously then see him quit going to school midway through the semester or wasn't able to go because he got drunk so often. All I saw was his mom saying if he focused on school, she would pay all his expenses. She enabled him. I enabled him, and he ran with it. He stopped going to school, relapsed, smoked weed, and stayed at home and did nothing.
It's a really really hard thing to deal with. Over the 3 years, it got worse and worse and worse because the more I got to know him, the more I gave thinking I was "helping", the more he ran with it and the more it hurt. I invested more and more and he took willingly more and more.
What helped me is I asked myself:
1. While he was a good guy when I met him, in the past, etc, would I date him right now if I met him in this very second?
2. Do I want to deal with this for the REST of my life? When I'm 30? When I'm pregnant? When I'm 50?
Keep coming back to SR. SR really saved my life and gave me the courage to leave him and while the days after having left him are hard and still are, I know that these days are MUCH happier than the days I spent crying, feeling worthless, feeling like he didn't love me, the nights I spent driving around looking for him, the days and weeks he spent ignoring all my texts and calls, everything. These days without him are MUCH easier than the days spent with him.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi
I am so sorry for what you are going through. My bf and I split up back in July, he was binge drinking and smoking and I got angry about it because those were things he told me he would never do again. They are not very rational, clear thinking people. He knows how you feel and unfortunately, it seems like he would rather choose the alcohol. We broke up several times and he always wanted to come back, so it may happen to you. I would definitely resist the urge to get back together with him if he does contact you. It was my experience (for 3 years) that the problem will always be there.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. My bf and I split up back in July, he was binge drinking and smoking and I got angry about it because those were things he told me he would never do again. They are not very rational, clear thinking people. He knows how you feel and unfortunately, it seems like he would rather choose the alcohol. We broke up several times and he always wanted to come back, so it may happen to you. I would definitely resist the urge to get back together with him if he does contact you. It was my experience (for 3 years) that the problem will always be there.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Hi NC
Welcome to SR
You are among many others here who have been through the same or similar to what you've just done.
I am so sorry for your hurt & whirlwind of emotion & completely understand it.
I left my alcoholic boyfriend recently after many failed attempts of him giving up the booze & continuous disrespect & bad behaviour & broken promises.
I still love him too but I couldn't make him do it. It's up to him.
He went straight to another partner which still hurts.
I found the best thing for me was to educate myself on alcholism & to keep being involved with SR & getting support & advice.
Hugs to you, I know it hard.
Welcome to SR
You are among many others here who have been through the same or similar to what you've just done.
I am so sorry for your hurt & whirlwind of emotion & completely understand it.
I left my alcoholic boyfriend recently after many failed attempts of him giving up the booze & continuous disrespect & bad behaviour & broken promises.
I still love him too but I couldn't make him do it. It's up to him.
He went straight to another partner which still hurts.
I found the best thing for me was to educate myself on alcholism & to keep being involved with SR & getting support & advice.
Hugs to you, I know it hard.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 8
I appreciate all of your guys insight. You have no idea how comforting it is to know that I'm not suffering alone through this.
The wound is still very fresh. I know I'm a strong person, and I know that there isn't anything I can't handle. Still, this one hurts so badly. Alcohol does come first. My boyfriend (or ex bf) has two loves- me and a bottle of booze. I lost to a bottle of alcohol. Talk about rejection.
MdKathy- I can only imagine the pain of going through this for 3 years. I've only been doing it for a few months, and I'm exhausted. Your questions did make me think, but the reality of it is, at this point, I'm not happier without him. Because, MOST of the time, he did make me happy. He was always so good to me, even when he was drinking. he didn't become mean until I told him I thought it was a problem. THATS when he got on the defense, because deep down, he already knows. Like your ex, his full of a lot of talk, but takes no action of achieving this "future" he speaks of. My ex also like yours has parents who enable. They pay for EVERYTHING for him. I think they even pay his rent. When I questioned him as to where all his $$ was going for the lousy 25 hours he was working a week, he would tell me savings. I will say, people with addictions are good liars. Sadly, we've been friends for too long prior to us dating, and I know when hes lying and when hes telling me the truth. I called him out on every lie, everytime. According to my friends, he still hasn't told them about us. When they ask where I am, he tells them he doesn't want to talk about it.
I know somehow, someway I'll get through this. But, I KNOW I'm def not prepared if he contacts me anytime soon. Thank you guys for your responses
The wound is still very fresh. I know I'm a strong person, and I know that there isn't anything I can't handle. Still, this one hurts so badly. Alcohol does come first. My boyfriend (or ex bf) has two loves- me and a bottle of booze. I lost to a bottle of alcohol. Talk about rejection.
MdKathy- I can only imagine the pain of going through this for 3 years. I've only been doing it for a few months, and I'm exhausted. Your questions did make me think, but the reality of it is, at this point, I'm not happier without him. Because, MOST of the time, he did make me happy. He was always so good to me, even when he was drinking. he didn't become mean until I told him I thought it was a problem. THATS when he got on the defense, because deep down, he already knows. Like your ex, his full of a lot of talk, but takes no action of achieving this "future" he speaks of. My ex also like yours has parents who enable. They pay for EVERYTHING for him. I think they even pay his rent. When I questioned him as to where all his $$ was going for the lousy 25 hours he was working a week, he would tell me savings. I will say, people with addictions are good liars. Sadly, we've been friends for too long prior to us dating, and I know when hes lying and when hes telling me the truth. I called him out on every lie, everytime. According to my friends, he still hasn't told them about us. When they ask where I am, he tells them he doesn't want to talk about it.
I know somehow, someway I'll get through this. But, I KNOW I'm def not prepared if he contacts me anytime soon. Thank you guys for your responses
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I am sorry for your situation, but I can also say you have a bright future ahead of you - choose to spend it with someone who isn't an addict. Someone who will care for your future children and work hard for your family. Someone who will treat you with respect and consideration. It's not this guy, not for a long time, even if he quit drinking right now. It is a very immature man to be so cruel to those he "loves".
Keep your chin up and count your blessings that breaking up is easy (in the sense that there's no divorce and shared custody of kids involved) and you can walk away with a broken heart but your dignity intact. Keep reading here - lots of stories from people who didn't break up, and 20, 30 years later wished they had...
Prayers,
~T
Keep your chin up and count your blessings that breaking up is easy (in the sense that there's no divorce and shared custody of kids involved) and you can walk away with a broken heart but your dignity intact. Keep reading here - lots of stories from people who didn't break up, and 20, 30 years later wished they had...
Prayers,
~T
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 145
Good morning NCgirl7,
I try to avoid suggesting anyone do anything with their situation because I know I had to learn on my own. I remember seeing all the red flags, my friends pointing it out, my family pointing it out and I resented them a lot. In my head, I kept thinking, love can conquer everything. He loves me, he'll grow out of it, he can change, I can change, we just have to keep working at it. I can tell you that when I was with my ex, the first maybe 9 months were absolutely amazing. I remember thinking wow, I'm so lucky to have this guy. He loved me so much, he was thoughtful, romantic, caring, and everything I had always wanted. After nine months, he randomly broke up with me and we were broken up for a month. There was a myriad of reasons, but the main one being that he wanted to party and drink because he has been so selfless for so long, etc and it was time he have fun, despite having drank for so many years as it was.
We got back together after a month of him going out partying, saying lots of nasty things about me, and he promised to change. Those months after we got back together were fine initially then got bad fast. The problem had not gone away. We broke up again. He went out and did the same thing again--drinking even more, stopped going to school, and his lies became more apparent. This pattern happened another time with us and then a little over a month ago, I just decided I'm at an age where I would like to settle down and I simply didn't want to wait any longer for him to grow out of it.
If you ask me, yes, most of the 3 years were generally happy times for me. I will also tell you that when it was good, it was absolutely amazing. No words could describe it. But when it was bad, I felt like I was in hell. When things got bad is also when I would find out a LOT of lies he told to make the good times seem so good. All the times he said he was a changed person, got a job, saved up money, was going to school, getting straight As etc well, turned out a lot of it was lies lies lies and not true, or extremely exaggerated truths. I was happy with him but when I found out it was mostly a lie, that happiness quickly turned really bad. I was living a lie with him and it was not fun to realize that. I was in denial with him that there was not a problem when there was a HUGE problem. I thought I could not be happy without him, but at the same time, happiness with him was not sustainable. I would be happy for a few months, then miserable for months, then happy again. If I could describe it to you, just imagine, here I am, a woman with a graduate degree, stable job, strong, independent, advocate for social justice, supporting him, going to AA with him, and when I was miserable, I was alone in my bed crying for hours and even days while he was in the living room playing video games and completely ignored me. I remember calling a friend and the first words out of my mouth were "I just want to matter". It's horrible and I would never wish that on anyone. I would call out of work, stay home and not eat for days, just cry, sleep, wake up and obsess over why he was still ignoring my texts, calls, cry again, then sleep to avoid the pain, then wake up and force myself to shower and be productive. It was horrible.
Whatever you decide to do, please just remember that you can choose to be happy and while it may seem like you can't be happy without him, imagine how much happier you will be not having to obsess over those ignored texts and calls, how much happier you will be with a man who is not a ticking time bomb.
I try to avoid suggesting anyone do anything with their situation because I know I had to learn on my own. I remember seeing all the red flags, my friends pointing it out, my family pointing it out and I resented them a lot. In my head, I kept thinking, love can conquer everything. He loves me, he'll grow out of it, he can change, I can change, we just have to keep working at it. I can tell you that when I was with my ex, the first maybe 9 months were absolutely amazing. I remember thinking wow, I'm so lucky to have this guy. He loved me so much, he was thoughtful, romantic, caring, and everything I had always wanted. After nine months, he randomly broke up with me and we were broken up for a month. There was a myriad of reasons, but the main one being that he wanted to party and drink because he has been so selfless for so long, etc and it was time he have fun, despite having drank for so many years as it was.
We got back together after a month of him going out partying, saying lots of nasty things about me, and he promised to change. Those months after we got back together were fine initially then got bad fast. The problem had not gone away. We broke up again. He went out and did the same thing again--drinking even more, stopped going to school, and his lies became more apparent. This pattern happened another time with us and then a little over a month ago, I just decided I'm at an age where I would like to settle down and I simply didn't want to wait any longer for him to grow out of it.
If you ask me, yes, most of the 3 years were generally happy times for me. I will also tell you that when it was good, it was absolutely amazing. No words could describe it. But when it was bad, I felt like I was in hell. When things got bad is also when I would find out a LOT of lies he told to make the good times seem so good. All the times he said he was a changed person, got a job, saved up money, was going to school, getting straight As etc well, turned out a lot of it was lies lies lies and not true, or extremely exaggerated truths. I was happy with him but when I found out it was mostly a lie, that happiness quickly turned really bad. I was living a lie with him and it was not fun to realize that. I was in denial with him that there was not a problem when there was a HUGE problem. I thought I could not be happy without him, but at the same time, happiness with him was not sustainable. I would be happy for a few months, then miserable for months, then happy again. If I could describe it to you, just imagine, here I am, a woman with a graduate degree, stable job, strong, independent, advocate for social justice, supporting him, going to AA with him, and when I was miserable, I was alone in my bed crying for hours and even days while he was in the living room playing video games and completely ignored me. I remember calling a friend and the first words out of my mouth were "I just want to matter". It's horrible and I would never wish that on anyone. I would call out of work, stay home and not eat for days, just cry, sleep, wake up and obsess over why he was still ignoring my texts, calls, cry again, then sleep to avoid the pain, then wake up and force myself to shower and be productive. It was horrible.
Whatever you decide to do, please just remember that you can choose to be happy and while it may seem like you can't be happy without him, imagine how much happier you will be not having to obsess over those ignored texts and calls, how much happier you will be with a man who is not a ticking time bomb.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
As painful as it is you are helping him by setting a boundary and sticking to it. Until addicts and alcoholics experience repercussions they don't seek help (well most of the time anyway).
If you go back to him and he is still drinking (even with the promise of seeking help or stopping) you are not only doing yourself in but him as well because you teach that its ok. There are no consequenses.
This has been a lesson I have learned from SR and Al Anon and I have not been perfect in implementing it myself - until the past couple of weeks.
Alcoholism is such a baffling disease. Learn as much as you can about it even if you aren't seeing him as you so still love and miss him. It will help you - it will help you also see your future as sticking by someone who is recovering is often harder than living with the alcoholic.
Sorry this is happening to you hope you will get some peace and comfort on here.
If you go back to him and he is still drinking (even with the promise of seeking help or stopping) you are not only doing yourself in but him as well because you teach that its ok. There are no consequenses.
This has been a lesson I have learned from SR and Al Anon and I have not been perfect in implementing it myself - until the past couple of weeks.
Alcoholism is such a baffling disease. Learn as much as you can about it even if you aren't seeing him as you so still love and miss him. It will help you - it will help you also see your future as sticking by someone who is recovering is often harder than living with the alcoholic.
Sorry this is happening to you hope you will get some peace and comfort on here.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
the get my sh** and leave him alone part to me read if you wont enable me then leave.
this comes from experience as ah has said the same to me as well.
"i cant believe i resorted to this" i thought the same thing when i finally reached out here and then opened up to family/friends. the thought like i cant believe im doing this came over me but getting it out there,educating myself best thing ever for me.
as far as texting his mother goes......dont rely on her to do or say anything. of course she wants an update about her child but in my experience which might differ from others but my ah's mother didnt want to hear that i knew he had a drinking problem, that he upset me, that he did something wrong ....none of it....however she did want to hear if he was hurt etc and then when it suited her blamed me for his problems.
no he probably didnt mean the things he said but as long as he is using......he will say them....he will say alot of things....he will do things.
I was in such denial of the severity of alcoholism that i believed him when he said things to me....made promises.....told me my faults....i forgot that i wasnt talking to a clear headed person but to a clouded foggy mind.
remember that. his actions speak louder than his words. he will pick alcohol over you UNLESS he wants to quit FOR HIM.
this comes from experience as ah has said the same to me as well.
"i cant believe i resorted to this" i thought the same thing when i finally reached out here and then opened up to family/friends. the thought like i cant believe im doing this came over me but getting it out there,educating myself best thing ever for me.
as far as texting his mother goes......dont rely on her to do or say anything. of course she wants an update about her child but in my experience which might differ from others but my ah's mother didnt want to hear that i knew he had a drinking problem, that he upset me, that he did something wrong ....none of it....however she did want to hear if he was hurt etc and then when it suited her blamed me for his problems.
no he probably didnt mean the things he said but as long as he is using......he will say them....he will say alot of things....he will do things.
I was in such denial of the severity of alcoholism that i believed him when he said things to me....made promises.....told me my faults....i forgot that i wasnt talking to a clear headed person but to a clouded foggy mind.
remember that. his actions speak louder than his words. he will pick alcohol over you UNLESS he wants to quit FOR HIM.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 5
@ Redatlanta:
HI....The below caught my attention, can you please elaborate on what you mean by the last sentence....? I haven't seen much of this on the site yet, but still new and looking around.
Alcoholism is such a baffling disease. Learn as much as you can about it even if you aren't seeing him as you so still love and miss him. It will help you - it will help you also see your future as sticking by someone who is recovering is often harder than living with the alcoholic.
HI....The below caught my attention, can you please elaborate on what you mean by the last sentence....? I haven't seen much of this on the site yet, but still new and looking around.
Alcoholism is such a baffling disease. Learn as much as you can about it even if you aren't seeing him as you so still love and miss him. It will help you - it will help you also see your future as sticking by someone who is recovering is often harder than living with the alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Feel free to look up redatlanta's previous threads and posts. Click on the name, and a menu drops down with choices. You'll be able to understand her story quickly that way.
That said, I too found recovery was equally baffling as drinking - in a different flavor of course, but it takes a long time for many alcoholics to change behaviors that we often attribute to the alcohol itself. And many here have become involved in long-sober folks only to have a major relapse (or more) that wrecks havoc once again.
Recovery is no guarantee.
P.S. Welcome to SR, feel free to start your own thread and introduce yourself to the others here!
That said, I too found recovery was equally baffling as drinking - in a different flavor of course, but it takes a long time for many alcoholics to change behaviors that we often attribute to the alcohol itself. And many here have become involved in long-sober folks only to have a major relapse (or more) that wrecks havoc once again.
Recovery is no guarantee.
P.S. Welcome to SR, feel free to start your own thread and introduce yourself to the others here!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 8
Thank you again for all your replies
Everybody here seems to be so understanding. I've read and re-read each response multiple times, hoping that they will stay engraved in my head. I feel like an idiot that I'm still thinking about him. I'm young, ambitious and never any problems attracting males. So why is it, that I am so stuck on him? The answer seems so simple, doesn't it? RUN NOW. Yet, being him and I were friends for such a long time first, I think its more complicated. I keep thinking back to when he came out and told me he had feelings for me. That he had feelings for me since the day he met me. I had never even THOUGHT of him in that way. Still, he was always such a good friend, that I told him we could try dating. The reality of it is, when I agreed to dating him, I didn't think I would end up falling for him. Nor, did I have any CLUE that he had a problem with alcohol. Nobody seems to know. He hides it so so well. Not only do I feel like I'm losing him, but our group of friends doesn't know how to handle any of it, because they have no clue as to what happened between us. I'm very good friends with both his roomates. In fact, his one roomate is my best friend of 10 years and thats how I ended up meeting him, but I think they think I'm being over dramatic. They dont seem to grasp the severity of the problem. When I asked for their help, they came at me with "if hes wants to drink, hes gonna drink. Hes an adult, none of us can stop him." I'm glad its so easy for them to turn their heads I'm also losing his family- who I was very much involved with. Its killing me. Absolutely killing me.
Still, I guess we've been "officially" broken up for 2 days now, and I haven't heard from him. Maybe thats best. I know I can resist the urge to contact him, my fear is that I wont be strong enough to ignore him if he contacts me. He seems pretty angry at me though, so maybe he'll never speak to me again and with time, I'll slowly heal so I can move on with my life. In the back of my head though, I know he'll never fully be out of the picture because of our friends. I dont know how you guys do this. I really dont. This is by far one of the hardest emotions I've dealt with. So, thank you for the encouraging words
Everybody here seems to be so understanding. I've read and re-read each response multiple times, hoping that they will stay engraved in my head. I feel like an idiot that I'm still thinking about him. I'm young, ambitious and never any problems attracting males. So why is it, that I am so stuck on him? The answer seems so simple, doesn't it? RUN NOW. Yet, being him and I were friends for such a long time first, I think its more complicated. I keep thinking back to when he came out and told me he had feelings for me. That he had feelings for me since the day he met me. I had never even THOUGHT of him in that way. Still, he was always such a good friend, that I told him we could try dating. The reality of it is, when I agreed to dating him, I didn't think I would end up falling for him. Nor, did I have any CLUE that he had a problem with alcohol. Nobody seems to know. He hides it so so well. Not only do I feel like I'm losing him, but our group of friends doesn't know how to handle any of it, because they have no clue as to what happened between us. I'm very good friends with both his roomates. In fact, his one roomate is my best friend of 10 years and thats how I ended up meeting him, but I think they think I'm being over dramatic. They dont seem to grasp the severity of the problem. When I asked for their help, they came at me with "if hes wants to drink, hes gonna drink. Hes an adult, none of us can stop him." I'm glad its so easy for them to turn their heads I'm also losing his family- who I was very much involved with. Its killing me. Absolutely killing me.
Still, I guess we've been "officially" broken up for 2 days now, and I haven't heard from him. Maybe thats best. I know I can resist the urge to contact him, my fear is that I wont be strong enough to ignore him if he contacts me. He seems pretty angry at me though, so maybe he'll never speak to me again and with time, I'll slowly heal so I can move on with my life. In the back of my head though, I know he'll never fully be out of the picture because of our friends. I dont know how you guys do this. I really dont. This is by far one of the hardest emotions I've dealt with. So, thank you for the encouraging words
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 145
Hi Lzrd689 and NCgirl7,
Thanks for sharing. I found recovery particularly difficult, well while my XABF was sober anyway, or trying to be. He was sober for six months and the initial months were amazing. He had a great confidence and zest that everything was going to be ok, but when he got to step 4 where he had to make a moral inventory of who he was, things got pretty difficult and shortly after, combined with court date being over, he relapsed. Recovery was hard for me because he had to face who he was and he didn't like who he really was. There were a lot of mood swings. One minute he was completely confident, the next he didn't want to be near me, he blamed me, he ignored and avoided me and we lived together. Whereas when he was drinking, he was somewhat predictable, I was not used to who he was sober and he became unpredictable. In some ways, it was a different person, but also the same person. The alcohol was taken out of the equation. The predictable behavior of coming home drunk dissipated, but the SAME behaviors of avoidance, immaturity, inability to take responsibility, and lying remained. Isn't that something? All these character traits that I associated with alcohol were actually just him =/ I felt the same feelings while he was sober as I did when he was drinking: anxiety, insecure, worthless, etc. and that's because he was who he was, the only difference is the alcohol was taken out of the equation.
I remember reaching out to a number of his friends whenever he had a bump in the road whether it was while he was drinking or while he was sober. I asked so many friends to talk to him to see if they could get through to him and after awhile, I resented those friends when they stopped trying. His family and his friends didn't see what I saw. They didn't have him get drunk and come crying to them. For the longest time his mom thought there was no problem until he got the DUI. We all have expectations of our loved ones and when someone says no, that's not them, we are all going to resist. It's natural. She didn't want to believe her son was lying, stealing, drinking, or getting high. Neither did his friends. Similarly, I spent 3 years in denial as well. I didn't want to believe that he was this person either and ultimately it did me more harm than good. I clinged onto a hope, a belief, all of which were founded on WORDS, not actions.
What I finally realized after a long long time was...I can't control someone. No matter who I get to talk to him, I was trying to control him more and more to be sober and if he wants to be sober, he shouldn't have to be talked into it. I kept thinking that the more I encouraged him and told him he could do it, or the more I said I love you, the more I backed off on nagging about dishes, anything really, that he would "get it" and after all my efforts, I kept coming up short. I was trying to control him. I learned I can't control anyone. I can't change how they cope with life's troubles. I can't chaperone him everywhere to make sure he doesn't drink. I can't tell all his friends to stop taking him to bars. The only one who is capable of making him be sober is HIM. The more I tried to build him up, to make feel stronger, to give him money to help him out, the weaker I felt, the less self-esteem I felt, and the less money I had.
Thanks for sharing. I found recovery particularly difficult, well while my XABF was sober anyway, or trying to be. He was sober for six months and the initial months were amazing. He had a great confidence and zest that everything was going to be ok, but when he got to step 4 where he had to make a moral inventory of who he was, things got pretty difficult and shortly after, combined with court date being over, he relapsed. Recovery was hard for me because he had to face who he was and he didn't like who he really was. There were a lot of mood swings. One minute he was completely confident, the next he didn't want to be near me, he blamed me, he ignored and avoided me and we lived together. Whereas when he was drinking, he was somewhat predictable, I was not used to who he was sober and he became unpredictable. In some ways, it was a different person, but also the same person. The alcohol was taken out of the equation. The predictable behavior of coming home drunk dissipated, but the SAME behaviors of avoidance, immaturity, inability to take responsibility, and lying remained. Isn't that something? All these character traits that I associated with alcohol were actually just him =/ I felt the same feelings while he was sober as I did when he was drinking: anxiety, insecure, worthless, etc. and that's because he was who he was, the only difference is the alcohol was taken out of the equation.
I remember reaching out to a number of his friends whenever he had a bump in the road whether it was while he was drinking or while he was sober. I asked so many friends to talk to him to see if they could get through to him and after awhile, I resented those friends when they stopped trying. His family and his friends didn't see what I saw. They didn't have him get drunk and come crying to them. For the longest time his mom thought there was no problem until he got the DUI. We all have expectations of our loved ones and when someone says no, that's not them, we are all going to resist. It's natural. She didn't want to believe her son was lying, stealing, drinking, or getting high. Neither did his friends. Similarly, I spent 3 years in denial as well. I didn't want to believe that he was this person either and ultimately it did me more harm than good. I clinged onto a hope, a belief, all of which were founded on WORDS, not actions.
What I finally realized after a long long time was...I can't control someone. No matter who I get to talk to him, I was trying to control him more and more to be sober and if he wants to be sober, he shouldn't have to be talked into it. I kept thinking that the more I encouraged him and told him he could do it, or the more I said I love you, the more I backed off on nagging about dishes, anything really, that he would "get it" and after all my efforts, I kept coming up short. I was trying to control him. I learned I can't control anyone. I can't change how they cope with life's troubles. I can't chaperone him everywhere to make sure he doesn't drink. I can't tell all his friends to stop taking him to bars. The only one who is capable of making him be sober is HIM. The more I tried to build him up, to make feel stronger, to give him money to help him out, the weaker I felt, the less self-esteem I felt, and the less money I had.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by mdkathy62 
Hi Lzrd689 and NCgirl7,
What I finally realized after a long long time was...I can't control someone. No matter who I get to talk to him, I was trying to control him more and more to be sober and if he wants to be sober, he shouldn't have to be talked into it. I kept thinking that the more I encouraged him and told him he could do it, or the more I said I love you, the more I backed off on nagging about dishes, anything really, that he would "get it" and after all my efforts, I kept coming up short. I was trying to control him. I learned I can't control anyone. I can't change how they cope with life's troubles. I can't chaperone him everywhere to make sure he doesn't drink. I can't tell all his friends to stop taking him to bars. The only one who is capable of making him be sober is HIM. The more I tried to build him up, to make feel stronger, to give him money to help him out, the weaker I felt, the less self-esteem I felt, and the less money I had.
What I finally realized after a long long time was...I can't control someone. No matter who I get to talk to him, I was trying to control him more and more to be sober and if he wants to be sober, he shouldn't have to be talked into it. I kept thinking that the more I encouraged him and told him he could do it, or the more I said I love you, the more I backed off on nagging about dishes, anything really, that he would "get it" and after all my efforts, I kept coming up short. I was trying to control him. I learned I can't control anyone. I can't change how they cope with life's troubles. I can't chaperone him everywhere to make sure he doesn't drink. I can't tell all his friends to stop taking him to bars. The only one who is capable of making him be sober is HIM. The more I tried to build him up, to make feel stronger, to give him money to help him out, the weaker I felt, the less self-esteem I felt, and the less money I had.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Cleveland Ohio
Posts: 133
NCgirl17:
Active Acoholics / Addicts are incapable of having a real relationship with ANYONE. He's already taken. His relationship is with booze and right now their is no room for you. That's a sad fact, but a fact non the less. Right now the basic rule of thumb when dealing with him is........" If he's walking he's stealing, if he's talking he's lying. ".................There is no such thing as controled drinking............EVER..............Ask yourself this question: Right now, at the moment your reading this post, is their anything I can do or say to you to make you want to get drunk???........Of course not. Now if your drunk, is their anything I say or do to make you want to get sober????..................Same answer!!!!!...........He must want it for himself, right now he has back problems. His girlfriend is on his back, his family is on his back, employer is on his back, soon the police and the judge will be on his back too. That's your future. When the pain outwieghs the pleasure and he hits bottom he will get help. Not one single moment before that. ......Good Luck
Active Acoholics / Addicts are incapable of having a real relationship with ANYONE. He's already taken. His relationship is with booze and right now their is no room for you. That's a sad fact, but a fact non the less. Right now the basic rule of thumb when dealing with him is........" If he's walking he's stealing, if he's talking he's lying. ".................There is no such thing as controled drinking............EVER..............Ask yourself this question: Right now, at the moment your reading this post, is their anything I can do or say to you to make you want to get drunk???........Of course not. Now if your drunk, is their anything I say or do to make you want to get sober????..................Same answer!!!!!...........He must want it for himself, right now he has back problems. His girlfriend is on his back, his family is on his back, employer is on his back, soon the police and the judge will be on his back too. That's your future. When the pain outwieghs the pleasure and he hits bottom he will get help. Not one single moment before that. ......Good Luck
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
My exabf went straight to another women so has someone new to play with.
Most here will tell you the best way to go is no contact & the reason for that is if there is contact it usually ends badly & makes us more hurt. I've been no contact for a while now but have bumped into him in town, & yes that ended badly.
Most here will tell you the best way to go is no contact & the reason for that is if there is contact it usually ends badly & makes us more hurt. I've been no contact for a while now but have bumped into him in town, & yes that ended badly.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 145
Hi NCgirl7,
My XABF and I were on and off 3-4 times and whenever we were "off" he did contact me, usually after a month and at max two months. The contact, however, came after a month or two of straight partying everyday, blowing all his money, and having a girl during those times. He never had a gf during those times, but he did rebound. It didn't work so well for him because one girl was too young (at the time he was 23 and she was 17), or another time was because he tried to rebound with a long time female friend but then was also off talking to other girls and that friendship was ruined due to him using her. Why I took him back after all that? Errr...yeah...it was sad. I believed all of the 'I wasn't thinking, I was trying to numb the pain, those girls meant nothing' talk. I really did believe I was his everything. I thought his universe somehow revolved around me, but I was very wrong. His universe revolves around alcohol. We were on and off so many times because I ALWAYS let him back in those times, but this time, after all the AA, Al-Anon, and SR, I'm committed to staying away from him.
Thus far, it's been close to six weeks and I have not heard a peep from him. I get worried from time to time, but I know I have to have courage to choose happiness and not fall for the same routine over and over again. I also have to think about what is best for not only me, but also him. He's never going to learn anything if I constantly rescue him and enable him. All of my "support" is enabling and he has not learned a single thing about consequences. In part, I contributed to the problem. He didn't treat me well because I LET him get away with not treating me well. I did not have boundaries or impose consequences. He didn't cherish me or our relationship because I kept taking him back. I showed him that no matter what he did, there were no consequences, I would always be there and at this age, I am NOT doing him any favors or myself for continuing this cycle.
How is he ever going to learn that his alcoholism is a problem if I constantly pay his debt for him, wake him up when he's too drunk to work/school, when I call out for his job for him when he can't make it, etc?? In AA I kept hearing "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results". That was me. I was insane. I kept taking him back, I kept answering those text messages begging for attention but had no action to support the words, I kept "helping" him with HIS responsibilities, and kept expecting that somehow he would grow up and "get it".
My XABF and I were on and off 3-4 times and whenever we were "off" he did contact me, usually after a month and at max two months. The contact, however, came after a month or two of straight partying everyday, blowing all his money, and having a girl during those times. He never had a gf during those times, but he did rebound. It didn't work so well for him because one girl was too young (at the time he was 23 and she was 17), or another time was because he tried to rebound with a long time female friend but then was also off talking to other girls and that friendship was ruined due to him using her. Why I took him back after all that? Errr...yeah...it was sad. I believed all of the 'I wasn't thinking, I was trying to numb the pain, those girls meant nothing' talk. I really did believe I was his everything. I thought his universe somehow revolved around me, but I was very wrong. His universe revolves around alcohol. We were on and off so many times because I ALWAYS let him back in those times, but this time, after all the AA, Al-Anon, and SR, I'm committed to staying away from him.
Thus far, it's been close to six weeks and I have not heard a peep from him. I get worried from time to time, but I know I have to have courage to choose happiness and not fall for the same routine over and over again. I also have to think about what is best for not only me, but also him. He's never going to learn anything if I constantly rescue him and enable him. All of my "support" is enabling and he has not learned a single thing about consequences. In part, I contributed to the problem. He didn't treat me well because I LET him get away with not treating me well. I did not have boundaries or impose consequences. He didn't cherish me or our relationship because I kept taking him back. I showed him that no matter what he did, there were no consequences, I would always be there and at this age, I am NOT doing him any favors or myself for continuing this cycle.
How is he ever going to learn that his alcoholism is a problem if I constantly pay his debt for him, wake him up when he's too drunk to work/school, when I call out for his job for him when he can't make it, etc?? In AA I kept hearing "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results". That was me. I was insane. I kept taking him back, I kept answering those text messages begging for attention but had no action to support the words, I kept "helping" him with HIS responsibilities, and kept expecting that somehow he would grow up and "get it".
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
