Recovery sucks during the holidays
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
Recovery sucks during the holidays
Title pretty much tells it all.
I'm here. I'm still sober. I haven't been around much because honestly I have a pi$$ poor attitude about recovery right now.
I went away for Thanksgiving, and it was a nice time. I got to eat a big delicious dessert since I didn't have all those calories from alcohol, I got to actually enjoy time with my family without doing something stupid or blacking out or spend a day in bed hung over.
Those are all positives.
The only thing I really didn't get to do is drink.
And it was SO HARD. My family was going out having a few drinks at the beach bar, just enjoying their vacation...and I can't even tell you how upset and angry I was that I couldn't take part. How much I wanted to say "f** recovery I'm done" and how much I still do.
I know what drinking does to me but I keep thinking of the times I controlled it, how maybe I can just drink on holidays, on vacations, special occasions etc. In the past 90 days I've drank once, didn't go on a bender. Just had a slip up, and haven't drank an oz since. I keep thinking I can continue to do what I've been doing, and only drink sometimes.
I know moderation doesn't work but I want it to so badly, I feel like I'm missing out on everything. I haven't gone out with friends in months, I constantly miss out on parties, dinners, trips and fun because I can't drink.
The holidays for my family center around two things--food and drinking. I'm a recovering anorexic alcoholic, which means the holidays are just freaking fantastic for me.
But I've always enjoyed the drinking aspect. Playing drinking game with my cousins, enjoying a good mixed drink from my Uncle who owns his own bar, feeling more social, letting loose have a good time.
Now I just feel isolated and alone. I go to AA but I'm getting kind of sick of it. The girl that brings me is really nice and we've gotten close but literally all she does it talk about herself, her problems, her spirituality with anyone who will listen. It gets a little old, I feel like all I do is listen to the same stories all the time and have people tell me I just need to surrender, give over to my higher power. I'm an agnostic leaning toward atheism and I've never felt any real connection with any kind of higher power.
I am moving back to Boston in a few weeks so getting started with a sponsor here seemed pointless, although I had one lined up. I know a few women in the program back in Boston who can introduce me to some good groups but I'm starting to wonder if AA is right for me. At this point I just feel like a dry drunk, I'm not drinking but I'm not really embracing recovery.
I'm just miserable around people who are enjoying their alcohol and moving home means being around the ALL the time. My Mom drinks at least twice a week and any family function ALWAYS includes alcohol.
I want to be able to have a few drinks with my cousins during the holidays (even tho last Xmas eve I blacked out drunk, chipped my tooth, insulted my family and ruined the night) I just want to be able to stop before I reach the point of too much. Even tho I hear story after story and have experienced first hand that it doesn't work
WTF is wrong with me, seriously. Why is life without drinking so hard? Everyone preaches that life without alcohol is so much better and maybe in some ways it is. But for me right now the negatives are overshadowing the positives.
A big motivation for quitting drinking for me was weight loss. But sine quitting drinking I've GAINED 10 pounds and feel like food, specifically sugar has replaced the alcohol ritual for me, which is terrifying. I'd honestly rather get drunk every night then binge eat every night. Being overweight/fat is my biggest fear.
I can't go out an have fun, I'm losing friends, I'm isolated and alone. The girls I've met in AA are really nice but the whole all recovery all the time thing gets old. The whole everything good that happens to me is because of God thing gets old too. I mean this girl can twist ANYTHING around to be, being because of God and I am just so not spiritual that it really turns me off from the program.
I am trying hard to keep an open mind but the more meetings I go to, especially step meetings, the more turned off I am. And it's getting harder and hard to just be a dry drunk who is basically not drinking out of sheer will-power.
I'm here. I'm still sober. I haven't been around much because honestly I have a pi$$ poor attitude about recovery right now.
I went away for Thanksgiving, and it was a nice time. I got to eat a big delicious dessert since I didn't have all those calories from alcohol, I got to actually enjoy time with my family without doing something stupid or blacking out or spend a day in bed hung over.
Those are all positives.
The only thing I really didn't get to do is drink.
And it was SO HARD. My family was going out having a few drinks at the beach bar, just enjoying their vacation...and I can't even tell you how upset and angry I was that I couldn't take part. How much I wanted to say "f** recovery I'm done" and how much I still do.
I know what drinking does to me but I keep thinking of the times I controlled it, how maybe I can just drink on holidays, on vacations, special occasions etc. In the past 90 days I've drank once, didn't go on a bender. Just had a slip up, and haven't drank an oz since. I keep thinking I can continue to do what I've been doing, and only drink sometimes.
I know moderation doesn't work but I want it to so badly, I feel like I'm missing out on everything. I haven't gone out with friends in months, I constantly miss out on parties, dinners, trips and fun because I can't drink.
The holidays for my family center around two things--food and drinking. I'm a recovering anorexic alcoholic, which means the holidays are just freaking fantastic for me.
But I've always enjoyed the drinking aspect. Playing drinking game with my cousins, enjoying a good mixed drink from my Uncle who owns his own bar, feeling more social, letting loose have a good time.
Now I just feel isolated and alone. I go to AA but I'm getting kind of sick of it. The girl that brings me is really nice and we've gotten close but literally all she does it talk about herself, her problems, her spirituality with anyone who will listen. It gets a little old, I feel like all I do is listen to the same stories all the time and have people tell me I just need to surrender, give over to my higher power. I'm an agnostic leaning toward atheism and I've never felt any real connection with any kind of higher power.
I am moving back to Boston in a few weeks so getting started with a sponsor here seemed pointless, although I had one lined up. I know a few women in the program back in Boston who can introduce me to some good groups but I'm starting to wonder if AA is right for me. At this point I just feel like a dry drunk, I'm not drinking but I'm not really embracing recovery.
I'm just miserable around people who are enjoying their alcohol and moving home means being around the ALL the time. My Mom drinks at least twice a week and any family function ALWAYS includes alcohol.
I want to be able to have a few drinks with my cousins during the holidays (even tho last Xmas eve I blacked out drunk, chipped my tooth, insulted my family and ruined the night) I just want to be able to stop before I reach the point of too much. Even tho I hear story after story and have experienced first hand that it doesn't work
WTF is wrong with me, seriously. Why is life without drinking so hard? Everyone preaches that life without alcohol is so much better and maybe in some ways it is. But for me right now the negatives are overshadowing the positives.
A big motivation for quitting drinking for me was weight loss. But sine quitting drinking I've GAINED 10 pounds and feel like food, specifically sugar has replaced the alcohol ritual for me, which is terrifying. I'd honestly rather get drunk every night then binge eat every night. Being overweight/fat is my biggest fear.
I can't go out an have fun, I'm losing friends, I'm isolated and alone. The girls I've met in AA are really nice but the whole all recovery all the time thing gets old. The whole everything good that happens to me is because of God thing gets old too. I mean this girl can twist ANYTHING around to be, being because of God and I am just so not spiritual that it really turns me off from the program.
I am trying hard to keep an open mind but the more meetings I go to, especially step meetings, the more turned off I am. And it's getting harder and hard to just be a dry drunk who is basically not drinking out of sheer will-power.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,503
I'm sorry you're so frustrated right now.
My opinion is that you stopped drinking and are working on your recovery, but it sounds like you need to make more changes in your life in order to be happy. I'm not an AA person, but I got involved with volunteering at a Women's Shelter in very early recovery and it was truly a gift to me. I needed to get outside of myself and to focus on other people and their needs.
Why not invite your friends to join you for coffee? Take a look around your community and see what you can do to give back. Get involved in a new activity or sport. There are Meetup groups in most cities with activities to suit everyone.
My opinion is that you stopped drinking and are working on your recovery, but it sounds like you need to make more changes in your life in order to be happy. I'm not an AA person, but I got involved with volunteering at a Women's Shelter in very early recovery and it was truly a gift to me. I needed to get outside of myself and to focus on other people and their needs.
Why not invite your friends to join you for coffee? Take a look around your community and see what you can do to give back. Get involved in a new activity or sport. There are Meetup groups in most cities with activities to suit everyone.
Been there, done that!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: London
Posts: 539
Hi ya welcome, can't really comment at the moment because iam pissed off today aswell. I chipped my tooth drunk before its not nice...
At least tonight iam not a nervous wreck struggling to catch my breath and fearing I won't have a panick attack at any moment because iam so hungover...
I suppose life's good.
Take care
At least tonight iam not a nervous wreck struggling to catch my breath and fearing I won't have a panick attack at any moment because iam so hungover...
I suppose life's good.
Take care
05/07/2011
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Pensacola, FL
Posts: 96
I can relate to a lot of what you are going thru. I would urge you not to dwell on the fact that YOU are not drinking and just try and be present and have a good time. If all you focus on is the "poor me, they are all having fun and I can't", you are probably not going to have a very good time. It's tough I know and have been there. All the times I wish I could drink with family or smoke a little at a concert or pop something to take the edge off, I have to play the tape through and see where I will end up if I pick up again. It wont be pretty.
As far as the meetings go, I cant stand half the people at the ones here but have to remember to focus on similarities and not differences and place principles before the personalities. It's hard, especially when you are trying to find reasons not to like it.
I can also relate to the turned off by all the god talk thing. I was not brought up with much of it and didn't believe in anything. I now strongly believe that there is a lot of love out there in the universe and if I do my best to turn my life over to practicing love, honesty and open mindedness in all my affairs, good things will happen. Call it what you want to call it but if I have faith in the good in this world, there will always be hope.
I would suggest working the steps with a sponsor that you can truly relate to. Don't pick a preachy one. But going to 12 step fellowships and not working the steps is like joining a chess club but never playing chess. It's pointless. I promise you the steps will not negatively impact you in any way if you put honest effort into doing them.
Worried about weight? Exercise! It will make you feel better, help you manage your weight and you will just over all be in a better place. Trust me on this. Holidays were rough my first year, they have been great so far this year.
Stay strong and stay positive.
As far as the meetings go, I cant stand half the people at the ones here but have to remember to focus on similarities and not differences and place principles before the personalities. It's hard, especially when you are trying to find reasons not to like it.
I can also relate to the turned off by all the god talk thing. I was not brought up with much of it and didn't believe in anything. I now strongly believe that there is a lot of love out there in the universe and if I do my best to turn my life over to practicing love, honesty and open mindedness in all my affairs, good things will happen. Call it what you want to call it but if I have faith in the good in this world, there will always be hope.
I would suggest working the steps with a sponsor that you can truly relate to. Don't pick a preachy one. But going to 12 step fellowships and not working the steps is like joining a chess club but never playing chess. It's pointless. I promise you the steps will not negatively impact you in any way if you put honest effort into doing them.
Worried about weight? Exercise! It will make you feel better, help you manage your weight and you will just over all be in a better place. Trust me on this. Holidays were rough my first year, they have been great so far this year.
Stay strong and stay positive.
05/07/2011
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Pensacola, FL
Posts: 96
Oh yeah! Service work will help a lot too. You will meet new people, and feel good since you are helping others. It helps you get out of yourself. Whether its in the fellowship or helping in society or helping animals, whatever you choose. There is so much value in this.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Formal service work is a very good thing... but if that is not something you are ready for, just do your best to make the holidays as good as possible for your loved ones, friends... get out of self... Self was a pretty miserable place for me to be for my first sober holidays.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Maybe you want to consider yourself differently?
In a more positive light, you are a NON-DRINKER for health reasons. You don't have to make alcoholism your 2nd career or your social life. you do not HAVE to surrender anything, you know well enough not to drink and you can have a social life.
now before the others get here and try to burn me at the stake for saying such a thing, I also remember that you recently had a miriad of OTHER issues and were quite self-destructive, both with black-out drinking and bad relationships, sexual promiscuity and a bunch of choices that made you feel craptastic.
so unless you have some constant professional counseling, you might stick with the safe AA group until you have a few more months of stable living.
In a more positive light, you are a NON-DRINKER for health reasons. You don't have to make alcoholism your 2nd career or your social life. you do not HAVE to surrender anything, you know well enough not to drink and you can have a social life.
now before the others get here and try to burn me at the stake for saying such a thing, I also remember that you recently had a miriad of OTHER issues and were quite self-destructive, both with black-out drinking and bad relationships, sexual promiscuity and a bunch of choices that made you feel craptastic.
so unless you have some constant professional counseling, you might stick with the safe AA group until you have a few more months of stable living.
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 536
Hi Fenway, I hear what you are saying on being resentful that you can't have a cocktail like everyone else. I am struggling with that, too. Romanticizing how nice it would be to go out for a drink or two or have a glass of wine with dinner. I am much newer in my recovery than you are. My last drink was November 16.
I feel kind of bad that I just turned down an invitation to go out with a bunch of friends to dinner. Even though they have said they won't drink, I just don't trust myself going out to a restaurant. I know I will want a drink. So I am just not going to accept dinner dates for now.
I am happy you are here, and very glad to hear you have made it this far. This is the place to come to discuss stuff like how you are feeling, and I think this is very good that you are doing it.
JunebugApril
I feel kind of bad that I just turned down an invitation to go out with a bunch of friends to dinner. Even though they have said they won't drink, I just don't trust myself going out to a restaurant. I know I will want a drink. So I am just not going to accept dinner dates for now.
I am happy you are here, and very glad to hear you have made it this far. This is the place to come to discuss stuff like how you are feeling, and I think this is very good that you are doing it.
JunebugApril
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 5,554
I feel sad headed into the holidays as well. Not pissed off, but mournful. I am new to sobriety, only on day 6, slipped on Thanksgiving, so, there ya go. The holidays are tough. My Christmas will be easier, since I do not have any big parties so far. There may be one, and it will be difficult. I think I did it sober last year. That crowd is used to me sometimes not drinking. Being diabetic has added a double damper to the holidays for me. I cannot even enjoy a virgin egg nog, which I do like. I have ot be very careful of the cookies and sweets, and now not drink.
I am trying to get into more things. Baking cookies for my church caroling event. I would carol as well, but the kids don't want to! They do not like to sing in public. But, the holidays will be hard.
I have no magical wisdom, but can offer empathy. And I am following for the advice you get here.
I am trying to get into more things. Baking cookies for my church caroling event. I would carol as well, but the kids don't want to! They do not like to sing in public. But, the holidays will be hard.
I have no magical wisdom, but can offer empathy. And I am following for the advice you get here.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
There were times in the first months of sobriety when I felt the same way you do, like everyone was out there having fun without me...... The things is, it's not really that way - we build it up to be a big deal in our imagination.
For me, learning to live and be happy without alcohol took time - it's a process. I thought about what I was trying to get from drinking - what did I need in my life that I was using alcohol for? How could I get the same thing in other ways?
Drinking just isn't the savior we wish it could be. In fact, I was reading a post of yours from two weeks ago where you said the exact same thing:
For me, learning to live and be happy without alcohol took time - it's a process. I thought about what I was trying to get from drinking - what did I need in my life that I was using alcohol for? How could I get the same thing in other ways?
Drinking just isn't the savior we wish it could be. In fact, I was reading a post of yours from two weeks ago where you said the exact same thing:
Okay well I f---ed up. I'm buzzed and I feel horrible
I don't even like the friggin effect it's had. I just feel fuzzy and stupid and guilty and like a failure. Like really I gave up almost 60 days for THIS?!.......
I'm a little buzzed right now and I STILL know it so wasn't worth it. I thought it would make me feel good but it REALLY hasn't. I thought I missed this feeling but now that I'm buzzed I'm just like WTF this isn't even FUN anymore......
Alcohol doesn't bring you happiness it just brings you pain. And it makes you do stupid stuff and say stupid stuff.....
Like I'm all set. It's just not fun anymore. The smart, sensible side of me didn't even want to drink, but for just a second the addict part was stronger and I gave in.
All I know is if my future self is reading this post she needs to remember that drinking isn't worth it. It doesn't feel good. I built the feeling of being buzzed up to this wonderful thing but it really just isn't.
I don't even like the friggin effect it's had. I just feel fuzzy and stupid and guilty and like a failure. Like really I gave up almost 60 days for THIS?!.......
I'm a little buzzed right now and I STILL know it so wasn't worth it. I thought it would make me feel good but it REALLY hasn't. I thought I missed this feeling but now that I'm buzzed I'm just like WTF this isn't even FUN anymore......
Alcohol doesn't bring you happiness it just brings you pain. And it makes you do stupid stuff and say stupid stuff.....
Like I'm all set. It's just not fun anymore. The smart, sensible side of me didn't even want to drink, but for just a second the addict part was stronger and I gave in.
All I know is if my future self is reading this post she needs to remember that drinking isn't worth it. It doesn't feel good. I built the feeling of being buzzed up to this wonderful thing but it really just isn't.
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 536
"Okay well I f---ed up. I'm buzzed and I feel horrible
I don't even like the friggin effect it's had. I just feel fuzzy and stupid and guilty and like a failure. Like really I gave up almost 60 days for THIS?!.......
I'm a little buzzed right now and I STILL know it so wasn't worth it. I thought it would make me feel good but it REALLY hasn't. I thought I missed this feeling but now that I'm buzzed I'm just like WTF this isn't even FUN anymore......
Alcohol doesn't bring you happiness it just brings you pain. And it makes you do stupid stuff and say stupid stuff.....
Like I'm all set. It's just not fun anymore. The smart, sensible side of me didn't even want to drink, but for just a second the addict part was stronger and I gave in.
All I know is if my future self is reading this post she needs to remember that drinking isn't worth it. It doesn't feel good. I built the feeling of being buzzed up to this wonderful thing but it really just isn't."
If only we could remember this stuff.
I don't even like the friggin effect it's had. I just feel fuzzy and stupid and guilty and like a failure. Like really I gave up almost 60 days for THIS?!.......
I'm a little buzzed right now and I STILL know it so wasn't worth it. I thought it would make me feel good but it REALLY hasn't. I thought I missed this feeling but now that I'm buzzed I'm just like WTF this isn't even FUN anymore......
Alcohol doesn't bring you happiness it just brings you pain. And it makes you do stupid stuff and say stupid stuff.....
Like I'm all set. It's just not fun anymore. The smart, sensible side of me didn't even want to drink, but for just a second the addict part was stronger and I gave in.
All I know is if my future self is reading this post she needs to remember that drinking isn't worth it. It doesn't feel good. I built the feeling of being buzzed up to this wonderful thing but it really just isn't."
If only we could remember this stuff.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 13
Sounds like you need to keep busy. If you're going to abstain from dinners, parties and nights out with friends you need to make an effort to find enjoyable/productive alternatives so you don't dwell on what you're missing.
Good luck!
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
If you are used do something for a long time, for me 20 years drinking everyday. I don't expect my life to change in 20 days. 20 months maybe.
It takes time to create a new you, new friends, new habbits, new ways of coping with lif, new fun things to do. Give it time and do the work. That's all I can say about this.
It takes time to create a new you, new friends, new habbits, new ways of coping with lif, new fun things to do. Give it time and do the work. That's all I can say about this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
I've read a lot of your posts, and am sorry you are struggling.
Forgive me for being blunt, but it is pretty obvious that you are or have forgotten some of the horrible and quite frankly scary things that you have gone through as a result of drinking.
Thats what the addictive mind does to us.
I still remember reading some of the things that happened to you, thinking holy ****, that girl is in a world of hurt, but you ACTUALLY experienced it, and your mind is telling you that sober living isn't better.
It is. Go back and read where you were at just a short time ago.
Life is hard sober, but its harder drunk, and the problems keep piling up.
Im pulling for ya.
Forgive me for being blunt, but it is pretty obvious that you are or have forgotten some of the horrible and quite frankly scary things that you have gone through as a result of drinking.
Thats what the addictive mind does to us.
I still remember reading some of the things that happened to you, thinking holy ****, that girl is in a world of hurt, but you ACTUALLY experienced it, and your mind is telling you that sober living isn't better.
It is. Go back and read where you were at just a short time ago.
Life is hard sober, but its harder drunk, and the problems keep piling up.
Im pulling for ya.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
Thanks everyone <3
I always feel so much better after posting here !
I have been recovering from Mono & some other medical complications so I wasn't allowed to run or exercise. I think that has been part of the weight gain and my recent unhappiness.
My parents also made quitting my job a condition of moving back in with them. My job was working with women with disabilities and while it was challenging I really enjoyed it, and it brought me a sense of happiness, accomplishment and pace.
I think I've just been going a little stir crazy without much to do. I just got back from the doctor and she's given me clearance to run again! I am extremely excited about this and truly think it will help my recovery.
Exercise improves my mood GREATLY. But again this is something my parents want control over, like I can only go to the gym a certain number of times a week, or for a specific amount of time etc, which is annoying but hopefully this is only temporary and my finances with get sort out and I can move to my own apartment soon.
Thank you for re-posting from my old post. I know what drinking does to me and I know how I felt last time I drank. And I am all set, deep down I know that. I don't want to do it anymore but I guess I'm still learning how to live sober, and that beast awakens when I'm around alcohol or people who drink and I just so badly want to be normal but I can't be.
I can't say no, I can't stop once I start. I mean I really can't. I am actually incapable of stopping at one or two or five or six, I always need more. I want to pretend I can control my drinking but time and time and time AGAIN I've proven I can't.
I listen to the speakers in AA and they all say the same thing, they got sober for a few months here and there, when they were my age or a little younger or a little older but then they picked back up thinking they could control it, thinking just on vacations, just when I'm with friends, just this or that but it never worked for them.
I also agree that I have a lot of other underlying issues that I've been numbing with drinking and those are things I need to start to deal with in order to be truly happy.
It just feels like I'm learning to be social all over again. It's not a coincidence that I started making friends when I started drinking. I'm a very shy person, and find it hard to relate to people sometimes ( I have a nuerological disorder that can make social situation difficult) but I need to learn that I don't not to drink in order to have fun
I also need to clean up my attitude and stop feeling sorry for myself that I can't drink, stop wishing I was someone else or somewhere else cos I'm me and I can't change that. Alcohol really never led anywhere good for me and my life will be better without it if I want it to be. I just need to let go of the past and start living for the future or even just live in today.
I always feel so much better after posting here !
I have been recovering from Mono & some other medical complications so I wasn't allowed to run or exercise. I think that has been part of the weight gain and my recent unhappiness.
My parents also made quitting my job a condition of moving back in with them. My job was working with women with disabilities and while it was challenging I really enjoyed it, and it brought me a sense of happiness, accomplishment and pace.
I think I've just been going a little stir crazy without much to do. I just got back from the doctor and she's given me clearance to run again! I am extremely excited about this and truly think it will help my recovery.
Exercise improves my mood GREATLY. But again this is something my parents want control over, like I can only go to the gym a certain number of times a week, or for a specific amount of time etc, which is annoying but hopefully this is only temporary and my finances with get sort out and I can move to my own apartment soon.
Thank you for re-posting from my old post. I know what drinking does to me and I know how I felt last time I drank. And I am all set, deep down I know that. I don't want to do it anymore but I guess I'm still learning how to live sober, and that beast awakens when I'm around alcohol or people who drink and I just so badly want to be normal but I can't be.
I can't say no, I can't stop once I start. I mean I really can't. I am actually incapable of stopping at one or two or five or six, I always need more. I want to pretend I can control my drinking but time and time and time AGAIN I've proven I can't.
I listen to the speakers in AA and they all say the same thing, they got sober for a few months here and there, when they were my age or a little younger or a little older but then they picked back up thinking they could control it, thinking just on vacations, just when I'm with friends, just this or that but it never worked for them.
I also agree that I have a lot of other underlying issues that I've been numbing with drinking and those are things I need to start to deal with in order to be truly happy.
It just feels like I'm learning to be social all over again. It's not a coincidence that I started making friends when I started drinking. I'm a very shy person, and find it hard to relate to people sometimes ( I have a nuerological disorder that can make social situation difficult) but I need to learn that I don't not to drink in order to have fun
I also need to clean up my attitude and stop feeling sorry for myself that I can't drink, stop wishing I was someone else or somewhere else cos I'm me and I can't change that. Alcohol really never led anywhere good for me and my life will be better without it if I want it to be. I just need to let go of the past and start living for the future or even just live in today.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by FenwayFaithful 
Title pretty much tells it all.
I'm here. I'm still sober. I haven't been around much because honestly I have a pi$$ poor attitude about recovery right now.
I went away for Thanksgiving, and it was a nice time. I got to eat a big delicious dessert since I didn't have all those calories from alcohol, I got to actually enjoy time with my family without doing something stupid or blacking out or spend a day in bed hung over.
Those are all positives.
The only thing I really didn't get to do is drink.
And it was SO HARD. My family was going out having a few drinks at the beach bar, just enjoying their vacation...and I can't even tell you how upset and angry I was that I couldn't take part. How much I wanted to say "f** recovery I'm done" and how much I still do.
I know what drinking does to me but I keep thinking of the times I controlled it, how maybe I can just drink on holidays, on vacations, special occasions etc. In the past 90 days I've drank once, didn't go on a bender. Just had a slip up, and haven't drank an oz since. I keep thinking I can continue to do what I've been doing, and only drink sometimes.
I know moderation doesn't work but I want it to so badly, I feel like I'm missing out on everything. I haven't gone out with friends in months, I constantly miss out on parties, dinners, trips and fun because I can't drink.
The holidays for my family center around two things--food and drinking. I'm a recovering anorexic alcoholic, which means the holidays are just freaking fantastic for me.
But I've always enjoyed the drinking aspect. Playing drinking game with my cousins, enjoying a good mixed drink from my Uncle who owns his own bar, feeling more social, letting loose have a good time.
Now I just feel isolated and alone. I go to AA but I'm getting kind of sick of it. The girl that brings me is really nice and we've gotten close but literally all she does it talk about herself, her problems, her spirituality with anyone who will listen. It gets a little old, I feel like all I do is listen to the same stories all the time and have people tell me I just need to surrender, give over to my higher power. I'm an agnostic leaning toward atheism and I've never felt any real connection with any kind of higher power.
I am moving back to Boston in a few weeks so getting started with a sponsor here seemed pointless, although I had one lined up. I know a few women in the program back in Boston who can introduce me to some good groups but I'm starting to wonder if AA is right for me. At this point I just feel like a dry drunk, I'm not drinking but I'm not really embracing recovery.
I'm just miserable around people who are enjoying their alcohol and moving home means being around the ALL the time. My Mom drinks at least twice a week and any family function ALWAYS includes alcohol.
I want to be able to have a few drinks with my cousins during the holidays (even tho last Xmas eve I blacked out drunk, chipped my tooth, insulted my family and ruined the night) I just want to be able to stop before I reach the point of too much. Even tho I hear story after story and have experienced first hand that it doesn't work
WTF is wrong with me, seriously. Why is life without drinking so hard? Everyone preaches that life without alcohol is so much better and maybe in some ways it is. But for me right now the negatives are overshadowing the positives.
A big motivation for quitting drinking for me was weight loss. But sine quitting drinking I've GAINED 10 pounds and feel like food, specifically sugar has replaced the alcohol ritual for me, which is terrifying. I'd honestly rather get drunk every night then binge eat every night. Being overweight/fat is my biggest fear.
I can't go out an have fun, I'm losing friends, I'm isolated and alone. The girls I've met in AA are really nice but the whole all recovery all the time thing gets old. The whole everything good that happens to me is because of God thing gets old too. I mean this girl can twist ANYTHING around to be, being because of God and I am just so not spiritual that it really turns me off from the program.
I am trying hard to keep an open mind but the more meetings I go to, especially step meetings, the more turned off I am. And it's getting harder and hard to just be a dry drunk who is basically not drinking out of sheer will-power.
I'm here. I'm still sober. I haven't been around much because honestly I have a pi$$ poor attitude about recovery right now.
I went away for Thanksgiving, and it was a nice time. I got to eat a big delicious dessert since I didn't have all those calories from alcohol, I got to actually enjoy time with my family without doing something stupid or blacking out or spend a day in bed hung over.
Those are all positives.
The only thing I really didn't get to do is drink.
And it was SO HARD. My family was going out having a few drinks at the beach bar, just enjoying their vacation...and I can't even tell you how upset and angry I was that I couldn't take part. How much I wanted to say "f** recovery I'm done" and how much I still do.
I know what drinking does to me but I keep thinking of the times I controlled it, how maybe I can just drink on holidays, on vacations, special occasions etc. In the past 90 days I've drank once, didn't go on a bender. Just had a slip up, and haven't drank an oz since. I keep thinking I can continue to do what I've been doing, and only drink sometimes.
I know moderation doesn't work but I want it to so badly, I feel like I'm missing out on everything. I haven't gone out with friends in months, I constantly miss out on parties, dinners, trips and fun because I can't drink.
The holidays for my family center around two things--food and drinking. I'm a recovering anorexic alcoholic, which means the holidays are just freaking fantastic for me.
But I've always enjoyed the drinking aspect. Playing drinking game with my cousins, enjoying a good mixed drink from my Uncle who owns his own bar, feeling more social, letting loose have a good time.
Now I just feel isolated and alone. I go to AA but I'm getting kind of sick of it. The girl that brings me is really nice and we've gotten close but literally all she does it talk about herself, her problems, her spirituality with anyone who will listen. It gets a little old, I feel like all I do is listen to the same stories all the time and have people tell me I just need to surrender, give over to my higher power. I'm an agnostic leaning toward atheism and I've never felt any real connection with any kind of higher power.
I am moving back to Boston in a few weeks so getting started with a sponsor here seemed pointless, although I had one lined up. I know a few women in the program back in Boston who can introduce me to some good groups but I'm starting to wonder if AA is right for me. At this point I just feel like a dry drunk, I'm not drinking but I'm not really embracing recovery.
I'm just miserable around people who are enjoying their alcohol and moving home means being around the ALL the time. My Mom drinks at least twice a week and any family function ALWAYS includes alcohol.
I want to be able to have a few drinks with my cousins during the holidays (even tho last Xmas eve I blacked out drunk, chipped my tooth, insulted my family and ruined the night) I just want to be able to stop before I reach the point of too much. Even tho I hear story after story and have experienced first hand that it doesn't work
WTF is wrong with me, seriously. Why is life without drinking so hard? Everyone preaches that life without alcohol is so much better and maybe in some ways it is. But for me right now the negatives are overshadowing the positives.
A big motivation for quitting drinking for me was weight loss. But sine quitting drinking I've GAINED 10 pounds and feel like food, specifically sugar has replaced the alcohol ritual for me, which is terrifying. I'd honestly rather get drunk every night then binge eat every night. Being overweight/fat is my biggest fear.
I can't go out an have fun, I'm losing friends, I'm isolated and alone. The girls I've met in AA are really nice but the whole all recovery all the time thing gets old. The whole everything good that happens to me is because of God thing gets old too. I mean this girl can twist ANYTHING around to be, being because of God and I am just so not spiritual that it really turns me off from the program.
I am trying hard to keep an open mind but the more meetings I go to, especially step meetings, the more turned off I am. And it's getting harder and hard to just be a dry drunk who is basically not drinking out of sheer will-power.
I go to my meetings regularly and the newcomers remind me that nothing has changed out there and if I go back out I will soon pick up where I left off and it will get worse from there.
I suggest you go back a re-read some of your previous posts when you had the crap kicked out of you physically/emotionally/mentally/spiritually and tell me how it would be different this time. You don't have any gratitude for God's grace.
Maybe another dance with the devil will change your mind. I sincerely hope you don't have to go there... many don't get back.
All the best.
Bob R
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,424
Originally Posted by 2granddaughters
Perhaps you need to go back out to see why you came in the first place.
I know you probably mean well, but I just have to say that advising someone who admits she has a drinking problem to go drink again is the opposite of helpful. That is all her AV needs to read right now to show her she has permission to try it again. I understand some relapses can be eye-opening and provide learning and growth for better recovery, but advising someone to relapse in hopes of that is like playing with fire.
Fenway, I have read your posts for awhile and sometimes look for them if I haven't seen any in awhile. I feel sad that you're struggling. I feel sad that you have been exposed to drinking family members multiple times. I think if you were able to avoid these situations without isolating, you would be emotionally much better with the whole thing. I changed sooo much in the beginning to avoid typical drinking traps in the beginning. I wish you had the means to build the life you want right now. But please hang in there and work towards every little step you can take to build the life you want. The only life worth living for us is one without alcohol. You sounded much better in your second post on this thread and I hope you can build on that and the fact that your doctor cleared you for some exercise! Take care.
Clear Eyes Full Heart
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,272
I can relate to feeling bummed about recovery, especially this time of year when it seems like everyone is partying and having fun. I'm not doing AA or meetings because I don't really want to spend so much time and energy talking about drinking but it will be an option if current plan doesn't work. So far, SR is doing the trick. I think we have to keep a balance in how we look at it. For every person out there having fun drinking there are many more whose lives are being ruined by drinking. I find focusing on the negative effects is helping to counteract the cravings.
Not everyone can do it, but if you can still go out and be with your friends without drinking eventually it gets less weird and you start having fun again. I know the Boston area has a club Boston Ski and Sports that has tons of social activities. Many of them are healthy and non drinking oriented.
Hang in there! You can do this! The holiday season is really only a few short weeks. Instead of being one of the ones hungover on January 1st vowing to never drink again you'll already have a great head start on a new healthier year. Try not to worry about everything at once, you can always lose the weight-drinking so you don't gain weight isn't a great plan.
Not everyone can do it, but if you can still go out and be with your friends without drinking eventually it gets less weird and you start having fun again. I know the Boston area has a club Boston Ski and Sports that has tons of social activities. Many of them are healthy and non drinking oriented.
Hang in there! You can do this! The holiday season is really only a few short weeks. Instead of being one of the ones hungover on January 1st vowing to never drink again you'll already have a great head start on a new healthier year. Try not to worry about everything at once, you can always lose the weight-drinking so you don't gain weight isn't a great plan.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
I also absolutely disagree that "maybe you just need to go back out there." what insanity.
I wouldn't recommend that any more than I would tell a diabetic that they should have an extra ice cream sundae to prove to themselves that they have an issue with blood sugar.
You know you have a problem, go back and read your own words, cause we don't want to see you end up dead.
I wouldn't recommend that any more than I would tell a diabetic that they should have an extra ice cream sundae to prove to themselves that they have an issue with blood sugar.
You know you have a problem, go back and read your own words, cause we don't want to see you end up dead.
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