cleanjust4today

This sucks. I am 99 days clean from Weed, Alcohol & Vicodin. I did not know how to stop the cycle of using without the stepping stones (meetings) of NA. I never used needles, never lost my kids, never went to jail or prison, in fact, I was an extremely functional "addict". I just wanted to stop. And I did. I have a lot of self control and think situations through clearly. I have not missed any important dates or not been there for my kids, etc. I rarely used in excess, just enough to get by.

I am more messed up now than I was when I was using. Everybody keeps asking me what is wrong.... what is wrong is I just want a glass of wine. Or a bong hit. I am not interested in taking the vicodin again. I just want to flippin relax. I find myself justifying the need to do these things by the fact that I am an employed, self sufficient and successful person. I just like my little goodies and treats for the mind.

What the hell is wrong with me? This misery started when I began my step work. I feel like I went to the one place (NA) that helped me start anew and not use and I have pigeonholed myself as an ADDICT. Once I felt I was getting out of control, I stopped. Why shouldn't I be able to have a glass of wine or smoke a little? I still smoke cigarettes which I honestly believe are less healthy than the other things I did, but it's all I have got left in my bag of treats.

20 years of using.... I think I do not know how to function normally without my helpers.

Maybe I don't want to stop. I just wanted to stop before, I know this sounds lame. I think I could be more controlled now. I know I could. Why do I even have this issue? I feel like my thinking proves I am an addict and need to continue to abstain, but I just want to chill out the way I know how. And maybe I am not an addict, I just let it get out of hand.

Can anyone relate?

YEM

Your whole first paragraph is "not yets". Your using could progress until you do lose all of those things. It has happened to many of us. Ive gone through the thoughts and feelings you have described too. 99 days is awesome but all in all its not long enough for your body to even begin to become chemically balanced again. A good suggestion is to try to stay clean for a year, if you havent experienced the change you want by then, by all means pick up again.

Keep in mind that addiction is progressive so you will start back up right where you left off. You may "control" it for a little while but I have not seen anyone use "successfully" after relapsing. Maybe you will be the one?

Exercise will help a lot with making you feel better. Anything to get those endorphins flowing. I guarantee you will feel better if you find the motivation to do it.

Your whole post is really a battle I fought daily early on. It gets better with time. If you do choose to do more "research" out there, I pray you make it back.

OneLessLonely

I can relate... To a point. I have felt the same way as you do then I read around in here and see so many who tried to have just a glass of wine or a bing hit, and it never ends well. They always end up where they started, wanting to quit, and having to start over again. I also associate any of those feelings or thoughts as the addictive voice and not my actual self. And its not that you dont deserve a treat or a break. Its just that you dont deserve the aftermath (anxiety, guilt, hangover) of those kinds of treats or breaks. I had to force myself to try other "treats" for myself or ways to relax (ice cream, relaxing music, tea, a blanket warm from the dryer) because I work hard or had a hard day. Some worked some didn't but I had to broaden my scope of what is a treat and what is relaxing. Honestly after 6 months, I feel like my brain chemistry is changing in that I no longer allow things to bother me so much that I have that desperate need for mind escape. As Dee often recommends, I'm building a life that I don't want to escape from or numb because of. There was a reason you stopped for 99 days and that reasons does not go away. We cannot drink normally therefore we cannot drink/use. And I agree smoking is extremely unhealthy too. But one thug at a time and if you truly want a healthy life, you'll get that figured out too.

cleanjust4today

Thank you. I really like the GD quote... one of my favorites. It means alot to me to feel understood. Thank you for taking the time to do so. I can do this today. I have so much guilt about being a better example for my kids too.... they never saw me use, but I am sure they sensed my 'absence in my presence'.

LoveMeNow

My addict husband thought the same as you. "He could now control it." His addiction was lying to him. It wasn't long before he realized 1 is too many and a 1000 will never be enough. He had such a look of fear, that I will never forget.

He has been clean for a while now and admits he just wasn't done, tested out that saying and lost. He would also tell you his life is so much better now, he has freedom from his addiction.

Life is awesome without drugs or alcohol, you don't need them, just give it time.

Just wanted to share.

Fernaceman

Heck, I can only speak from my own experience on this one. I tried as many ways as I could to justify my ability to use within "control" time and time again. Each time was a failure bigger than the last. For today, at least, I am remembering that it never works out in the end. Hell, one of the last big binges a year ago ended me in the psych ward, and that wasn't the first time. The consequences just kept getting greater.

It's honestly not worth it to me.

2granddaughters

What does your sponsor say about your situation ?? .....

All the best.

Bob R

cleanjust4today

my sponser tells me only I can decide if I am an addict or not..... and I need to work on acceptance

YoungAndClean

I totally get where your coming from TC. I'm pushing 90 days sober myself and I can only try and put into words the uneasiness feeling of no longer using as a slight inability to breath easy. It's like I'm always slightly agitated, like there is a splinter in my mind that only a drink or drug would remove. And that splinter does make my head throb, some days worse than others. At all times I'm aware of it though and it all comes down to 2 options. Be patient and let the splinter very slowly disenigrate naturally. Or drink/use and immediately remove it. Only to have it be replaced by a new splinter, etc. etc. Hang in there man, and like others hear have said, find new ways to relax. I'm eating icea cream and M&M's right now, having a beer would not go well with that

quitforme79

Hey clean,
I agree with yem about the "not yets". I too was a high functioning alcoholic. I relapsed nov 7th, got a dwi and tried to kill myself. Only you can decide whether or not you are an addict but please think about it long and hard before you go back out. Do you have a sponser? Can you speak face to face with some people at NA meetings? 99 days is an awesome freaking accomplishment, don't give it away lightly. I am finally finding joy in sobriety now...the other times I tried to stay clean I still isolated and it led me back out there. You will be in my thoughts and prayers tonight.

Delilah1

First, tomorrow will be 100 days and that is huge!! Tomorrow will be day 49 for me, so you have almost twice as much time, and I am sure you worked really hard for each and every day.

I too miss wine some nights, but do. It miss the foggy feeling the next day. Hope you find some good advice one here!

Wesley423

Justification and rationalization are self masturbation. The only one getting screwed is you!!!!with that said the only one we hurt when we think that we can control is us. Then once we use we hurt ourselves and then the ones who love us. If you drink or drug enough to think you need help then you're probably an addict. The control thinking is classic addict thinking. You should be extremely proud of your 99 days and keep on that path. Once I accepted that I'm an addict then and only then was I willing to do something about it. This site is a god send and use it as much as you can. Good luck and god bless!! Your pal in recovery Wes....

nogard

Doubts always come up thats part of why we use. That voice... it gets to have less infuence as time goes by.

Dont pick up today and get to live another day clean and build a new life that you want.

Listen to the voice of addiction, acknowledge it and dont act on it.

rainyengland

100 days - that is amazing!!! Jeez I'm day 6 now and yesterday nite was hell so you are rocking!!

I can't really give advice as too new to it but you have come so far already - keep your chin up and plod away -your posting so I guess you know your a addict in some form-can totally relate to having your treats taken away

Good luck :-)

Dee74

I spent 30 years running away....getting drunk or high was a cornerstone of my life....it came to define me.

The thought of having to give that up terrified me...who was sober me? would I be as cool? how would I deal with my problems and my stresses?

how much would I have to change?

That angered me too - why should I have to change - other people seem to do ok getting wasted....other people have the release...why shouldn't I?

The truth was...I wasn't who I wanted to be.

I was deeply unhappy as a drinker and user. Despite all my rationalisation over the years, I knew I could do better.

No one quits if there's no problem and noone quits if they feel they're in control....

but fear...and pride kept dragging me back to my old life - to try and have my cake and eat it too....to try again and again to control myself.


Ultimately, I drank and used way past the point of trying to pretend I had no problem...I nearly destroyed myself, and I let a lot of people, people I loved, down.

Sometimes it was a subtle as simply not 'being there' for the people who needed me.

Sure I was around - but I wasn't there.

If that hasn't happened to you yet you're lucky.

Sober, I'm the man I want to be...I have a life I love now.

That wasn't an overnight process. I had 30 years of identity and beliefs to look at.

but in essence all I had to do was get honest with myself, admit the reality of my situation, and give up getting wasted.

What I got back, and continue to get back, from actually living my life make that an easy decision.

D

onlythetruth

I think this says it all. And you wrote it yourself.

nonblondechef

That beast will try to derail us at every opportunity. Silence the monster - roast the beast.

solstice3

YaC, this is so well put. This is how I feel too. I was always agitated all day, all the time unless I was drinking. Now I'm less agitated overall but it doesn't ever go away. At least not yet, hopefully at some point.

Thanks!

soberbrah

Stopped reading after about two words

You seem like your just trying to justify a relapse

Lulz, get it together and call your sponsor or something silly

If not for any other reason than to reach triple digit days, lulz