I am turning the grief and pain inward and I am getting sick and I need help.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I am turning the grief and pain inward and I am getting sick and I need help.
I left my abusive alcoholic husband in July after 20 years when his porn addiction became unbearable. I filed for divorce immediately, and it is very slowly proceeding. I've had to, at 62, re-create my life, and I've been doing that. I've had moments of real freedom, and energy toward moving into a better future. I've been very happy lots of the time. I'm making my apartment into a home. I'm happy with my little dog.
My pattern has always been to cope very well through crisis, then fall apart when everyone else thinks the situation is better. Now I am sick and falling into depression again. I have several autoimmune system health problems that stress triggers, and I now have sinusitis and bronchitis. I got antibiotics and and an inhaler from my doctor yesterday, but last night I couldn't breathe and it was so severe that I considered going to the ER. Finally the inhaler worked. It was very scary to be alone during that. I have a neighbor I could call, but it isn't the same as having family here.
But it brought up all the pain and the feeling of abandonment and not being taken of when I needed it. And the grief of having worked so hard for so many years and having taken care of my AH's medical problems for so long.
The holiday was hard. My adult daughter and I had a great "girl's weekend" and my son and his family had a get-together Sunday since they were away for Thanksgiving. But my AH called on Thanksgiving and probed as to where I was for the day, and it upset me. And later my daughter and I had some very difficult but necessary conversations about my AH (her step-father) and his behavior toward her.
And having to deal with his dysfunctional sexual behavior has been bringing up abuse from my childhood which is coming out in nightmares. I am dealing with that in therapy. I have an appointment this afternoon.
I am going to see a nutritionist next week to try to figure out how to improve my immune system and get my overall health better and more resilient. I galso have plantar fasciitis and bone spurs, so I haven't been able to take walks, and I am trying to get that healed.
What do you folks do when it all just seems very bleak?
ShootingStar1
My pattern has always been to cope very well through crisis, then fall apart when everyone else thinks the situation is better. Now I am sick and falling into depression again. I have several autoimmune system health problems that stress triggers, and I now have sinusitis and bronchitis. I got antibiotics and and an inhaler from my doctor yesterday, but last night I couldn't breathe and it was so severe that I considered going to the ER. Finally the inhaler worked. It was very scary to be alone during that. I have a neighbor I could call, but it isn't the same as having family here.
But it brought up all the pain and the feeling of abandonment and not being taken of when I needed it. And the grief of having worked so hard for so many years and having taken care of my AH's medical problems for so long.
The holiday was hard. My adult daughter and I had a great "girl's weekend" and my son and his family had a get-together Sunday since they were away for Thanksgiving. But my AH called on Thanksgiving and probed as to where I was for the day, and it upset me. And later my daughter and I had some very difficult but necessary conversations about my AH (her step-father) and his behavior toward her.
And having to deal with his dysfunctional sexual behavior has been bringing up abuse from my childhood which is coming out in nightmares. I am dealing with that in therapy. I have an appointment this afternoon.
I am going to see a nutritionist next week to try to figure out how to improve my immune system and get my overall health better and more resilient. I galso have plantar fasciitis and bone spurs, so I haven't been able to take walks, and I am trying to get that healed.
What do you folks do when it all just seems very bleak?
ShootingStar1
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
(((ShootingStar1)))
Are you attending any face to face Alanon meetings? I would highly recommend it, find a sponsor and start working the steps. It can help with old unresolved issues as well.
You have come a long way. Give yourself a big hug and smile in the mirror! You are never alone, God is always with you! He has even given you a new neighbor to call.
I hope you feel better soon.
LMN
P.S. I always felt more vulnerable when I was feeling sick but have learned to get pass it and ask for help when I needed it. Doesn't sound like your AH would have been a good source to depend on anyway.
Are you attending any face to face Alanon meetings? I would highly recommend it, find a sponsor and start working the steps. It can help with old unresolved issues as well.
You have come a long way. Give yourself a big hug and smile in the mirror! You are never alone, God is always with you! He has even given you a new neighbor to call.
I hope you feel better soon.
LMN
P.S. I always felt more vulnerable when I was feeling sick but have learned to get pass it and ask for help when I needed it. Doesn't sound like your AH would have been a good source to depend on anyway.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
It sounds like you are doing the right things to continue on this positive path and can see light ahead of you. I guess some days will just be better and some worse?
Thoughts for getting through the hard days - read or watch something inspirational or funny; keep reaching out, here or in real life, to others who have walked a similar path. I'm thinking about the exercise thing - what about swimming? Is there a local pool where you could go for low-impact exercise? However you proceed, be gentle with yourself - you've been through so much. Healing takes time.
Take care
Thoughts for getting through the hard days - read or watch something inspirational or funny; keep reaching out, here or in real life, to others who have walked a similar path. I'm thinking about the exercise thing - what about swimming? Is there a local pool where you could go for low-impact exercise? However you proceed, be gentle with yourself - you've been through so much. Healing takes time.
Take care
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 137
Dear shootingstar,
I am so sorry that you are feeling so down at the moment. Like you I seem to 'thrive' in the middle of a crisis, and then fall apart as things settle down. Last weekend was bad for me, my depressed 19 yr son had a melt down, and we are worried about his personal safety. This brought me to an all time low, it's hard to live with this hanging over my head as well as with a recovering alcoholic. My way of getting over it is to take to bed, wallow and try to sort myself out- then I met with an al anon friend who listens to me and brings me back to earth. I have learnt to be gentle to myself-
My best wishes and prayers are with you - I hope your strength returns quickly, I always appreciate your wisdom and strength in your posts.
I am so sorry that you are feeling so down at the moment. Like you I seem to 'thrive' in the middle of a crisis, and then fall apart as things settle down. Last weekend was bad for me, my depressed 19 yr son had a melt down, and we are worried about his personal safety. This brought me to an all time low, it's hard to live with this hanging over my head as well as with a recovering alcoholic. My way of getting over it is to take to bed, wallow and try to sort myself out- then I met with an al anon friend who listens to me and brings me back to earth. I have learnt to be gentle to myself-
My best wishes and prayers are with you - I hope your strength returns quickly, I always appreciate your wisdom and strength in your posts.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 62
Shooting Star, I am your age and going through some of the same . After, I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year, my inner voice became loud and clear. My toxic life had to go. I know how hard this is. Don't give up. The answers will come. I started slowly. I love the subtle forms of exercise such as chi gong and Tai Chi. I Learned how to calm myself with breathing exercise. Find something that you think will help you get rid of the stress so It doesn't attack your body. I've also read books such as Dr. Northrop 's book Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom. There's a lot of wisdom out there and it was very helpful to me. Keep up the good work. Don"t give up as you have come so far.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi Shooting Star-
I've been feeling much the same way as you. It is difficult starting all over again on your own. It does feel very scary to me at times too. I also have a tendency to get depressed when these abandonment issues come up. I started seeing a therapist to help me cope. I also do meditation, read books and paint. I've been trying to get involved in some clubs and organizations too.
I also have plantar fasciitis and heel spurs. The pain got really intense last year but someone told me to take an Omega 3 supplement and Glucosamine Condroiton/MSM and that seems to be helping a lot.
I've been feeling much the same way as you. It is difficult starting all over again on your own. It does feel very scary to me at times too. I also have a tendency to get depressed when these abandonment issues come up. I started seeing a therapist to help me cope. I also do meditation, read books and paint. I've been trying to get involved in some clubs and organizations too.
I also have plantar fasciitis and heel spurs. The pain got really intense last year but someone told me to take an Omega 3 supplement and Glucosamine Condroiton/MSM and that seems to be helping a lot.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
ShootingStar, I left my AW of 36 years almost 2 years ago and at 59 understand what you are going through. Some things that really helped me, and still do.
1. Journaling. Just getting all the emotions, anger, disappointment and abandonment issues out and on paper really helped. A lot of it was very raw and full of anger and rage. Writing in the journal was like draining pus from an infection. It was painful and scary but was a necessary part of healing.
2. Mantras. I made up some mantras of my own that emphasized the positives of being on my own. I would sit in my apartment and say, This is MY house, This is MY TV, This is MY chair and so on. It later became this is MY life. It really helped me get into my head that I was now living for me and that was good. In addition I also use "I am safe". I am a 225 pound ex-Marine and martial artist and I never realized how unsafe I felt in my life with my AW. I now know that being away from her I am safe and that is a great feeling.
3. Meditation. I started a program of daily meditation. I would just sit and count my breaths for 10 or 15 minutes a day. This allowed me to find my calm center and begin to live there.
Of course this was in addition to Al-anon and posting here. As you can see by my post count in the beginning I was posting multiple times a day. Sharing your pain with others who understand is a great way to promote healing as well.
BTW, it does get better, much better. Be patient and gentle with yourself and give yourself time to heal.
Your friend,
1. Journaling. Just getting all the emotions, anger, disappointment and abandonment issues out and on paper really helped. A lot of it was very raw and full of anger and rage. Writing in the journal was like draining pus from an infection. It was painful and scary but was a necessary part of healing.
2. Mantras. I made up some mantras of my own that emphasized the positives of being on my own. I would sit in my apartment and say, This is MY house, This is MY TV, This is MY chair and so on. It later became this is MY life. It really helped me get into my head that I was now living for me and that was good. In addition I also use "I am safe". I am a 225 pound ex-Marine and martial artist and I never realized how unsafe I felt in my life with my AW. I now know that being away from her I am safe and that is a great feeling.
3. Meditation. I started a program of daily meditation. I would just sit and count my breaths for 10 or 15 minutes a day. This allowed me to find my calm center and begin to live there.
Of course this was in addition to Al-anon and posting here. As you can see by my post count in the beginning I was posting multiple times a day. Sharing your pain with others who understand is a great way to promote healing as well.
BTW, it does get better, much better. Be patient and gentle with yourself and give yourself time to heal.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Physical breakdown during psychological crisis is not uncommon, ShootingStar, and though that fact will not get you well today, perhaps it will reassure you that even this is part of the process of the breakdown which leads to the breakthrough.
I have been in therapy with a Jungian analyst for years, and as most Jungians do, when the body begins exhibiting symptoms, he will always ask, "What is the higher Self attempting to communicate through these symptoms?" For example, he himself had a heart attack about ten years ago, and though the heart problem was real, he knew he also had to ask himself, "What part of my life is blocking my vital life force?" And with that question in mind, he went inside himself, searched for answers, and made changes.
So, you might take a look at the symbolism of your own illnesses--the experience of feeling suffocated, the experience of feeling crippled--and ask yourself about what these illnesses have to tell you. We are not to blame for our illnesses, yet they often do ask us to look at their symbolism and the meaning of that in our life. Sometimes our higher Self has a very hard time conveying its essential wisdom to us because our egos get in the way, what we want and how we want it gets in the way.
I find that human kindness and generosity and connection can work wonders. I'm glad you are in therapy and hope you will continue that a long time, but without any ego agenda or hurry, for healing the psyche needs tenderness and time. And I hope you can find the time to perhaps sit in more meetings or perhaps find a gentle spiritual group through a church and simply sit with people who are reaching for a better life and more understanding of themselves.
Your AH has had a goal for many years of hurting you in order to inflate his ego and his pathetic and false sense of power. You are tired. You are battered. But you are not dead and not about to be. You have experienced a war and you are in convalescence right now, wrapped in symbolic gauze head to toe and hobbling about the unit with a cane. The war got you good. But you are not dead. And you are going to come back to full life.
July was just a half-breath away. It is only November. We have time frames in our minds that can be so unrealistic. You have a good two to three years of improving your health ahead of you, emotional and physical. This is normal. It does not mean you will be miserable throughout, only that you will be on the gradual ascent.
When everything we thought we were is taken away, we find out who we really are. It is hard. It is lonely. We could shoot some dope and pop some pills and avoid the growth and the evolution of our souls. But I think you are not one to do that. I think you are open to rising from the ashes. And will.
I have been in therapy with a Jungian analyst for years, and as most Jungians do, when the body begins exhibiting symptoms, he will always ask, "What is the higher Self attempting to communicate through these symptoms?" For example, he himself had a heart attack about ten years ago, and though the heart problem was real, he knew he also had to ask himself, "What part of my life is blocking my vital life force?" And with that question in mind, he went inside himself, searched for answers, and made changes.
So, you might take a look at the symbolism of your own illnesses--the experience of feeling suffocated, the experience of feeling crippled--and ask yourself about what these illnesses have to tell you. We are not to blame for our illnesses, yet they often do ask us to look at their symbolism and the meaning of that in our life. Sometimes our higher Self has a very hard time conveying its essential wisdom to us because our egos get in the way, what we want and how we want it gets in the way.
I find that human kindness and generosity and connection can work wonders. I'm glad you are in therapy and hope you will continue that a long time, but without any ego agenda or hurry, for healing the psyche needs tenderness and time. And I hope you can find the time to perhaps sit in more meetings or perhaps find a gentle spiritual group through a church and simply sit with people who are reaching for a better life and more understanding of themselves.
Your AH has had a goal for many years of hurting you in order to inflate his ego and his pathetic and false sense of power. You are tired. You are battered. But you are not dead and not about to be. You have experienced a war and you are in convalescence right now, wrapped in symbolic gauze head to toe and hobbling about the unit with a cane. The war got you good. But you are not dead. And you are going to come back to full life.
July was just a half-breath away. It is only November. We have time frames in our minds that can be so unrealistic. You have a good two to three years of improving your health ahead of you, emotional and physical. This is normal. It does not mean you will be miserable throughout, only that you will be on the gradual ascent.
When everything we thought we were is taken away, we find out who we really are. It is hard. It is lonely. We could shoot some dope and pop some pills and avoid the growth and the evolution of our souls. But I think you are not one to do that. I think you are open to rising from the ashes. And will.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
My situation is a little different from yours in that I still have children at home, which I think is a blessing at times because it allows me to focus on them and their needs -- and also a curse because it allows me to focus on them and their needs... if you get my point.
I've found that a combination of Al-Anon, this place, individual counseling, and anti-depressants have worked for me. I'm not a fan of medication but like you, I've had physical ailments that have prevented me from getting the exercise that would help. And I also suffered a severe enough depression that I needed the biochemical help to lift me out of the fog enough that I had the energy to engage in the positive activities I need to feel better.
I struggle with people right now. I know it's part of depression to not feel up to socializing, but socializing also drains me right now (which is weird since I'm normally fairly extroverted). I spend a lot of time with books. I spend time helping other people through volunteering. For some reason, that's not as draining as hanging out with my friends. I think I'm tired of the compassion of my friends, if that makes any sense at all.
I had a huge resistance against committing to volunteer work, but I find that seeing that other people struggle and have problems makes me... I don't know if I can explain it properly, but... part of being depressed for me is that I feel guilty for being depressed. I have an annoying perky person in my head who slaps me over the head and says "WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO BE DEPRESSED ABOUT? SHAME ON YOU! You are so blessed, you have so much!" and while that is true, it means that not only am I depressed, I also feel guilty for feeling that way. And volunteering and meeting people who also have problems makes me feel like... it's OK. It's OK to end up in the ditch in your life now and again. We all do it. And helping someone else with whatever little thing it might be (for me) that may be a huge help for them -- it actually does make me feel worthwhile and valuable.
I don't know if any of that helps, but since you asked what we do... that's what I do.
I've found that a combination of Al-Anon, this place, individual counseling, and anti-depressants have worked for me. I'm not a fan of medication but like you, I've had physical ailments that have prevented me from getting the exercise that would help. And I also suffered a severe enough depression that I needed the biochemical help to lift me out of the fog enough that I had the energy to engage in the positive activities I need to feel better.
I struggle with people right now. I know it's part of depression to not feel up to socializing, but socializing also drains me right now (which is weird since I'm normally fairly extroverted). I spend a lot of time with books. I spend time helping other people through volunteering. For some reason, that's not as draining as hanging out with my friends. I think I'm tired of the compassion of my friends, if that makes any sense at all.
I had a huge resistance against committing to volunteer work, but I find that seeing that other people struggle and have problems makes me... I don't know if I can explain it properly, but... part of being depressed for me is that I feel guilty for being depressed. I have an annoying perky person in my head who slaps me over the head and says "WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO BE DEPRESSED ABOUT? SHAME ON YOU! You are so blessed, you have so much!" and while that is true, it means that not only am I depressed, I also feel guilty for feeling that way. And volunteering and meeting people who also have problems makes me feel like... it's OK. It's OK to end up in the ditch in your life now and again. We all do it. And helping someone else with whatever little thing it might be (for me) that may be a huge help for them -- it actually does make me feel worthwhile and valuable.
I don't know if any of that helps, but since you asked what we do... that's what I do.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Great ideas so far! Here's what worked for me:
Focusing on my holistic health: vitamins, minerals, better diet, exercise. I am a big believer in supplements, and looking at the body as a system. If I am having health issues, I won't feel good emotionally, so best to treat them at the same time. Now, last summer I was having hormone issues - adrenal, thyroid, etc. After a full year of supplements and a healthier diet, I am a completely different person. Probiotics are wonderful...for me, I carry stress in my gut, and it reacts! If you are taking antibiotics, also take probiotics to replace the good gut flora that antibiotics eliminates. I am sold on Omega oils, too. Got both girls on them and they rave about their skin and hair these days!
I also developed plantar faciitis last spring, after sprained ankle from running. I gave it a few months, bought some high quality orthopedic inserts and better shoes, and am back to exercising almost at my regular pace. However, I quit running. It just didn't work for me anymore. Biking is much easier on my joints. My foot still bothers me, but not at the extent it did last spring.
Like M1K3 says above, I journal a lot. It helps to keep track of what is working and what isn't. It's also a way to track my thoughts and remember things so I don't get sucked back into magical thinking. Journaling keeps me grounded in reality.
Lastly, I give myself lots of credit for being in the midst of some pretty big life traumas. Its ok to not feel good right now. I've got a lot of stressors and am in a period of change and growth. And I quit saying to people "I'm good" when I am not good. I learned to ask for help when I need it. To acknowledge that some days, I just feel like crap.
I can proudly say that two years ago, I was watching my life swirl down the toilet bowl, and my physical health was going the same direction. Nowadays, I feel great, sleep well, am in great shape, and enjoying life again. It does get better.
Hang in there!
~T
Focusing on my holistic health: vitamins, minerals, better diet, exercise. I am a big believer in supplements, and looking at the body as a system. If I am having health issues, I won't feel good emotionally, so best to treat them at the same time. Now, last summer I was having hormone issues - adrenal, thyroid, etc. After a full year of supplements and a healthier diet, I am a completely different person. Probiotics are wonderful...for me, I carry stress in my gut, and it reacts! If you are taking antibiotics, also take probiotics to replace the good gut flora that antibiotics eliminates. I am sold on Omega oils, too. Got both girls on them and they rave about their skin and hair these days!
I also developed plantar faciitis last spring, after sprained ankle from running. I gave it a few months, bought some high quality orthopedic inserts and better shoes, and am back to exercising almost at my regular pace. However, I quit running. It just didn't work for me anymore. Biking is much easier on my joints. My foot still bothers me, but not at the extent it did last spring.
Like M1K3 says above, I journal a lot. It helps to keep track of what is working and what isn't. It's also a way to track my thoughts and remember things so I don't get sucked back into magical thinking. Journaling keeps me grounded in reality.
Lastly, I give myself lots of credit for being in the midst of some pretty big life traumas. Its ok to not feel good right now. I've got a lot of stressors and am in a period of change and growth. And I quit saying to people "I'm good" when I am not good. I learned to ask for help when I need it. To acknowledge that some days, I just feel like crap.
I can proudly say that two years ago, I was watching my life swirl down the toilet bowl, and my physical health was going the same direction. Nowadays, I feel great, sleep well, am in great shape, and enjoying life again. It does get better.
Hang in there!
~T
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 50
So sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are doing all the right things and that what you are feeling is normal. In my own case it just helps immensely to stay connected to other people. Posting and reading on SR was a lifesaver for me. I am relatively new in my current area having retired here 2 years ago but am finding friendships through common interests like hiking, church, etc. Even social media has kept me connected to former co-workers, college friends, distant relatives etc. After a 21 year marriage AH and I were probably 2-3 weeks away from finalizing our divorce when AH took a bad fall and and a series of complications during a 2 week hospital stay and died 2 weeks ago. Like you I found that initially after his death I was in crisis mode and found the energy to do what had to be done to help his family plan his funeral and burial out of state as well as a local memorial for friends here which will be held in a few hours from now. So many emotions including true grieving for what might have been and the past good times, anger at all he put me through and anger that I now have to deal with 1-2 more years of estate issues, relief that he is at peace and can no longer have any power over me and guilt that I am a survivor and he is gone and could I have done anything else (my head says no but heart wonders otherwise) So after mostly getting through a divorce I feel like I have to start all over again getting through his death.
I am just now starting to come out of the shock mode. I feel an utter exhaustion but note that it is getting better daily. I made a concious effort to not do anything or commit to anything that I really did not want to do as a way to let me heal myself. It is good you are in counseling and that is helping me too. Myself I know that what I am feeling is normal and what you are feeling is normal and I tell myself that I have to feel the pain to eventually heal. Healing takes a long time, probably years. So I try and embrace the grief rather than hide or suppress it. Feeling it reaffirms to me that I AM ALIVE. If I did not feel pain it would be like being dead. I try and look at positive things, the beautiful mountains when out for a short walk, the wind and cold air on my face, the warmth of sunshine through a window.
A long time friend emailed me today knowing that AH's local memorial service is this afternoon. I love what she said: "Tommorow you get to create your future". I"m going to hold onto that saying. Those are the things that get me through.
I am just now starting to come out of the shock mode. I feel an utter exhaustion but note that it is getting better daily. I made a concious effort to not do anything or commit to anything that I really did not want to do as a way to let me heal myself. It is good you are in counseling and that is helping me too. Myself I know that what I am feeling is normal and what you are feeling is normal and I tell myself that I have to feel the pain to eventually heal. Healing takes a long time, probably years. So I try and embrace the grief rather than hide or suppress it. Feeling it reaffirms to me that I AM ALIVE. If I did not feel pain it would be like being dead. I try and look at positive things, the beautiful mountains when out for a short walk, the wind and cold air on my face, the warmth of sunshine through a window.
A long time friend emailed me today knowing that AH's local memorial service is this afternoon. I love what she said: "Tommorow you get to create your future". I"m going to hold onto that saying. Those are the things that get me through.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I crumpled like a used tissue after we finally passed the 'crisis' phase & started the 'working on me' phase. I was SO bad off, so quickly & it caught me fully off guard. Coming into this I was in the best shape of my life & feeling amazingly healthy. In the end, whatever I had in me I used up caring for DD.
My acupuncturist has been a lifesaving blessing. When I started seeing her I could barely find the energy to throw myself on her exam table for treatment. I couldn't pinpoint all the aches & pains & concerns because every little thing was off & each one thing seemed to be part of a chain that linked back to every other little part. Nothing was obvious like a broken leg, so my doctors couldn't figure out what to treat. We worked together to unravel it all - it reminded me of peeling an onion, layer by layer by layer. Along with fixing everything on the surface, I really drilled down into emotional issues that were manifesting physically too.
I also try to fit in basic exercise, yoga, some meditation/chakra breathing, socializing, EFT & I give myself personal 'time-outs'. (That's when I've decided my mind is melting from all my codie thoughts so I decide to take a break
) I strive for good sleep every night (7 hrs), try to watch my diet & keep up with my vitamins. I watch a lot of movies, have become shamelessly addicted to junk tv (Real Housewives is my mental junk food) & rent a ton of movies & books from the library. We got a wii gaming system as a family gift last year & if I'm REALLY needing a release, I fire up the sports games & blow off steam pouncing on tennis balls or pounding baseballs over the bleachers. It helps!
My acupuncturist has been a lifesaving blessing. When I started seeing her I could barely find the energy to throw myself on her exam table for treatment. I couldn't pinpoint all the aches & pains & concerns because every little thing was off & each one thing seemed to be part of a chain that linked back to every other little part. Nothing was obvious like a broken leg, so my doctors couldn't figure out what to treat. We worked together to unravel it all - it reminded me of peeling an onion, layer by layer by layer. Along with fixing everything on the surface, I really drilled down into emotional issues that were manifesting physically too.
I also try to fit in basic exercise, yoga, some meditation/chakra breathing, socializing, EFT & I give myself personal 'time-outs'. (That's when I've decided my mind is melting from all my codie thoughts so I decide to take a break
) I strive for good sleep every night (7 hrs), try to watch my diet & keep up with my vitamins. I watch a lot of movies, have become shamelessly addicted to junk tv (Real Housewives is my mental junk food) & rent a ton of movies & books from the library. We got a wii gaming system as a family gift last year & if I'm REALLY needing a release, I fire up the sports games & blow off steam pouncing on tennis balls or pounding baseballs over the bleachers. It helps!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Bethany, Ok
Posts: 42
There isn't much more I can add to what everyone else has said. I will soon be in the beginning process of healing since I am still with my EAH. However, I will keep myself as busy as possible doing the things I can afford and enjoy. Also, I have learned a good counselor is a way to let things out and come out feeling much better. It just takes a long time to recover after the things we have been through. I come to work each day and smile, I talk positive to my 3 grown children, while all the while I feel empty and crushed and lonley especially this time of the year. However, I am already thinking of things I can do to keep busy once I move out and I have a counselor I plan to see and finally begin a life for MYSELF. Good luck and keep that chin up and a smile on your face.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
I recently read a great book called "The Journey From Abandonement to Healing" and I highly recommend you check it out. It talks about the various stages of grief when a marriage ends, and it also goes into a lot of detail about the physiological effects/responses, ie, why your health falls apart! Very helpful book, wish I'd read it a year ago when we separated...
I now keep a journal and my therapist encouraged me to really let my feelings pour out honestly. I realized I'd been keeping so much inside under the "stiff upper lip" principle. I use the journal to vent about everything, and it helps me to go back and read entries from other time periods in order to see how I'm changing.
Hugs, and hang in there. You are not alone.
I now keep a journal and my therapist encouraged me to really let my feelings pour out honestly. I realized I'd been keeping so much inside under the "stiff upper lip" principle. I use the journal to vent about everything, and it helps me to go back and read entries from other time periods in order to see how I'm changing.
Hugs, and hang in there. You are not alone.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Portlandia
Posts: 77
When I'm feeling bleak, I try to be gentle with myself but also take positive actions. I allow myself to feel the uncomfortable pain paroxysms, which always pass eventually. I take my dogs for long walks, ride, eat right (kale, yum) and sometimes poorly (ice cream!), make sure I get sleep, and do little things for myself like putting up a wee Christmas tree (my first on my own). I reach out to friends who understand what I'm going through, and I talk to my therapist. I'll play "open an arbitrary page in Courage to Change" game sometimes. I also write in my journal.
At other times, I play "feigned enthusiasm" with myself - put on nice clothes, make-up, etc and do errands with a smile on my face.
I am pretty new to solitary living after 15 years of marriage, and I admit I dread getting sick alone, though I've planned and have supplies on hand. I'm sorry you are feeling crappy and sad.
You are doing everything right, sounds to me! Grief comes and goes, in my newly-living-alone experience, and there's not much to do about it other than go through it.
((cyber hug)) from an internet stranger
At other times, I play "feigned enthusiasm" with myself - put on nice clothes, make-up, etc and do errands with a smile on my face.
I am pretty new to solitary living after 15 years of marriage, and I admit I dread getting sick alone, though I've planned and have supplies on hand. I'm sorry you are feeling crappy and sad.
You are doing everything right, sounds to me! Grief comes and goes, in my newly-living-alone experience, and there's not much to do about it other than go through it.
((cyber hug)) from an internet stranger
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Thank you, all, and amooseoncebitmy sister, none of you feel like internet strangers to me.
I appreciate so much all of your support, and especially that you really understand what this is like.
The antibiotic is starting to help, and my therapist helped today, and I am just going to be lazy and gentle until I feel better.
ShootingStar1
I appreciate so much all of your support, and especially that you really understand what this is like.
The antibiotic is starting to help, and my therapist helped today, and I am just going to be lazy and gentle until I feel better.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I am trying for the third time to write a response to this thread. I either don't like what I have written, or feel at a loss. Writing the tidy little response that helps alleviate deep grief isn't going to happen this time, especially since yours so resembles my own.
Sometimes we have to give up searching for answers. How someone could put things such as porn or alcohol above the love they've had for their partner is incomprehensible for you and I. To them...I can't say, and never will be able to.
And that's just it. I will never understand.
Sometimes we simply have to turn away from the pain. Look the opposite direction. Give up the search on PTSD sites, Stockholm Syndrome, Narcissism, Sexual Addictions, and everything else I've searched looking for answers.
There's no answer that is ever going to meet my needs because--my definition of unacceptable and his did not agree.
Huge major life changes in mid-life such as divorce need time. Give yourself time. Don't rush yourself to feel adjusted. Patience with that broken heart.
I bet you would enjoy reading some poetry. So many 19th century poets really understood the weight of a heavy heart. Sometimes that can speak to us in ways that forums posts cannot--the beauty of the eloquence through the suffering. That's one way you can turn to the pain--yet experience it in beauty. When you can turn away from the pain and focus on the present or the future, you will. When you feel inconsolable and alone--pick up Shakespeare. Others have been there before us. Let their grief speak to a deeper part of your heart. I think you may find some comfort in it like I have.
Sometimes we have to give up searching for answers. How someone could put things such as porn or alcohol above the love they've had for their partner is incomprehensible for you and I. To them...I can't say, and never will be able to.
And that's just it. I will never understand.
Sometimes we simply have to turn away from the pain. Look the opposite direction. Give up the search on PTSD sites, Stockholm Syndrome, Narcissism, Sexual Addictions, and everything else I've searched looking for answers.
There's no answer that is ever going to meet my needs because--my definition of unacceptable and his did not agree.
Huge major life changes in mid-life such as divorce need time. Give yourself time. Don't rush yourself to feel adjusted. Patience with that broken heart.
I bet you would enjoy reading some poetry. So many 19th century poets really understood the weight of a heavy heart. Sometimes that can speak to us in ways that forums posts cannot--the beauty of the eloquence through the suffering. That's one way you can turn to the pain--yet experience it in beauty. When you can turn away from the pain and focus on the present or the future, you will. When you feel inconsolable and alone--pick up Shakespeare. Others have been there before us. Let their grief speak to a deeper part of your heart. I think you may find some comfort in it like I have.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
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Wow that is a great list that was posted and I will try not to repost anything.
I just wanted to say that learning about the stages of grief was very helpful for me. It gave me permission to not beat myself up for feeling bad, because frankly that just made it worse for me. It also gave me some relief on the time frame for all of it...and one less thing to beat myself up about.
I also feel good in a crisis but then I melt. After being on this board and Al-Anon I feel like that is part of the "benefit" of living with addiction....we are so used to crisis that it is the aftermath that is hard when we have time to "sit" to "be" and to really understand and digest what has taken place. THat helped to normalize it for me.
A little later in my recovery I took a Mindfullness Based Stress Reduction course which I loved. I also read a book (they have a 13 week class on this) called The Grief Recovery Program (or something like that) in many communities. That seemed to be very healing also for me and I only did hte program via the book.
Frankly though that first year there was a lot of TV drauma watching (where the drauma was higher than what I had experienced first hand). I was afraid it would never stop, but it is minimal any longer. That was a good lesson too for me.
Good luck through this tough time.
I just wanted to say that learning about the stages of grief was very helpful for me. It gave me permission to not beat myself up for feeling bad, because frankly that just made it worse for me. It also gave me some relief on the time frame for all of it...and one less thing to beat myself up about.
I also feel good in a crisis but then I melt. After being on this board and Al-Anon I feel like that is part of the "benefit" of living with addiction....we are so used to crisis that it is the aftermath that is hard when we have time to "sit" to "be" and to really understand and digest what has taken place. THat helped to normalize it for me.
A little later in my recovery I took a Mindfullness Based Stress Reduction course which I loved. I also read a book (they have a 13 week class on this) called The Grief Recovery Program (or something like that) in many communities. That seemed to be very healing also for me and I only did hte program via the book.
Frankly though that first year there was a lot of TV drauma watching (where the drauma was higher than what I had experienced first hand). I was afraid it would never stop, but it is minimal any longer. That was a good lesson too for me.
Good luck through this tough time.
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