I'm an alcoholic but I still got drunk.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New York
Posts: 186
I'm an alcoholic but I still got drunk.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I guess because I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I had a couple of great weeks, no power after the hurricane and I drank a few glasses of wine that week with my husband. I attended a funeral for someone killed in the storm and I had a few drinks that night too.
Fast forward a couple of weeks, got through Thanksgiving sober, remember it all, enjoyed my meal. Enjoyed my kids.
Sunday night I drank too much. Last night I drank an entire bottle of red wine alone. I'm obviously a binge drinker as well as an alcoholic.
I tried the meetings they didn't do much for me. I guess I need to see a doctor and maybe she can prescribe me something, is there even anything? Can I cut my hands off? I just don't know why I did it. I feel so down, depressed, sad, and ill today. I told my husband that I have a problem. He said your the only one that seems to think that. My son said goodnight to me last night, and then he said "you smell like wine." Ugh....
I wish I had to be held accountable or something. I wish I was stronger. I wish I wasn't me.
Fast forward a couple of weeks, got through Thanksgiving sober, remember it all, enjoyed my meal. Enjoyed my kids.
Sunday night I drank too much. Last night I drank an entire bottle of red wine alone. I'm obviously a binge drinker as well as an alcoholic.
I tried the meetings they didn't do much for me. I guess I need to see a doctor and maybe she can prescribe me something, is there even anything? Can I cut my hands off? I just don't know why I did it. I feel so down, depressed, sad, and ill today. I told my husband that I have a problem. He said your the only one that seems to think that. My son said goodnight to me last night, and then he said "you smell like wine." Ugh....
I wish I had to be held accountable or something. I wish I was stronger. I wish I wasn't me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: IL
Posts: 8
It's ok hun, we all feel like that sometimes. I did the same thing last night and woke up feeling very guilty. The guilt is what really gets to me.
The one person I talk to about this is also pretty adamant that I do not have a problem, though I know I do. I can control it, or hide it, most of the time, so I seem as if I am in control on the outside. Inside is a completely different story.
I have been struggling with the thought that I was an alcoholic for about four years now. When I decided to take my first long break, exercise is what got me through. I am thinking a gym membership to get me through winter will really help. There is a thread somewhere on this forum with a poll that asks, "What is your best way to keep sober?" or something along those lines.. the largest answer was exercise. I can attest to that as well. Spirituality also greatly helps, meditation and the like.
One day at a time. You can do it.
The one person I talk to about this is also pretty adamant that I do not have a problem, though I know I do. I can control it, or hide it, most of the time, so I seem as if I am in control on the outside. Inside is a completely different story.
I have been struggling with the thought that I was an alcoholic for about four years now. When I decided to take my first long break, exercise is what got me through. I am thinking a gym membership to get me through winter will really help. There is a thread somewhere on this forum with a poll that asks, "What is your best way to keep sober?" or something along those lines.. the largest answer was exercise. I can attest to that as well. Spirituality also greatly helps, meditation and the like.
One day at a time. You can do it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
I just don't know why I did it.
you did it because you are an alcoholic with untreated alcoholism.
do you honestly think a gym memebrship will get and keep you sober?
i am guessin you mean AA meetings? well, no, they didnt do much. goin to meetings and not drinking dont treat alcoholism
no matter what method of recovery you chose, there will be footwork, yer gonna have to make a decision to put in that footwork.
you did it because you are an alcoholic with untreated alcoholism.
do you honestly think a gym memebrship will get and keep you sober?
i am guessin you mean AA meetings? well, no, they didnt do much. goin to meetings and not drinking dont treat alcoholism
no matter what method of recovery you chose, there will be footwork, yer gonna have to make a decision to put in that footwork.
05/07/2011
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Pensacola, FL
Posts: 96
My addiction progressed much in the same. I wanted to quit, told myself I couldn't. Time went on, things got progressively worse, as did how I felt about myself. Eventually things got bad enough to where I absolutely had to quit or I would die or end up in jail for a long period of time.
I think all of us would continue to use or drink if there werent negative consequences. Its when the consequences of drinking or using start getting bad that we start to recognize what we are doing is a problem.
You really just have to get to a point to decide to quit and do everything in your power to not pick up again. If you go to meetings, try to focus on the similarities you share with other members instead of thinking about how the meetings "don't do much for you". A sponsor would be someone who could hold you somewhat accountable although that is not really a sponsor's role.
You are certainly strong enough to quit. I would recommend telling yourself that often. YOU ONLY HAVE TO FOCUS ON NOT DRINKING FOR TODAY. Repeat that every day and it is much easier than thinking about not being able to drink forever. Stay positive, the changes in your life are well worth the effort up front.
I think all of us would continue to use or drink if there werent negative consequences. Its when the consequences of drinking or using start getting bad that we start to recognize what we are doing is a problem.
You really just have to get to a point to decide to quit and do everything in your power to not pick up again. If you go to meetings, try to focus on the similarities you share with other members instead of thinking about how the meetings "don't do much for you". A sponsor would be someone who could hold you somewhat accountable although that is not really a sponsor's role.
You are certainly strong enough to quit. I would recommend telling yourself that often. YOU ONLY HAVE TO FOCUS ON NOT DRINKING FOR TODAY. Repeat that every day and it is much easier than thinking about not being able to drink forever. Stay positive, the changes in your life are well worth the effort up front.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
Meetings exist so the newcomer may find us.
The program of AA is one alcoholic working with another alcoholic and guiding them through the steps of AA. The steps are the program of AA.
Meetings don't do anything, it's like watching a tv show......
The program of AA is one alcoholic working with another alcoholic and guiding them through the steps of AA. The steps are the program of AA.
Meetings don't do anything, it's like watching a tv show......
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New York
Posts: 186
I'm not trying to put down meetings, I know that they work for many people. People in my own extended family have sworn by them, are now sponsers.
I think I'm too ashamed. I'm afraid. I didn't care last night if I got drunk, that's the truth. I'm a mess.
I think I'm too ashamed. I'm afraid. I didn't care last night if I got drunk, that's the truth. I'm a mess.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: fort wayne, IN.
Posts: 1,085
I went to a lot of AA meetings throughout my drinking and abstinence periods. I had a couple sponsers. This time I have'nt gone to any but I am thinking I should. My problem is that I always feel like an outsider. Not just in AA but in everything. I don't know how to change that part of me. I know it is me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New York
Posts: 186
I feel like an outsider too. At my kids events, at work. Like I'm not one of them. I don't know. I don't drink with others, I drink alone at home at night.
When I looked in the mirror today it was a horror show, it still is.
When I looked in the mirror today it was a horror show, it still is.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New York
Posts: 186
I don't know. I would love to know, I'd love to fix myself. My son is here with me playing away happily and I'm crying because I can't seem to change this. I want to be sober. And it seems like such an easy idea to just not drink today.
But I can't seem to do it.
But I can't seem to do it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
a gym membership and regular exercise might not be the "cure-all", but it is a definite assett if you are committed and enjoy taking care of yourself.
keeping active, concentrating on improving your physical health will help you feel better about yourself mentally. it will also give you something to focus on for yourself. many of the classes offered at my gym stress relaxation/yoga style in the evening. most of the bigger gyms in my area will give you a 2 week freebie to try them out.
keeping active, concentrating on improving your physical health will help you feel better about yourself mentally. it will also give you something to focus on for yourself. many of the classes offered at my gym stress relaxation/yoga style in the evening. most of the bigger gyms in my area will give you a 2 week freebie to try them out.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
I was always an outsider until I let people in. As long as I thought, that you thought, that I was OK then I was OK. I did not want anyone to get to know the real me because the real me was an alcoholic mess. When I gave up drinking day by day alcohol no longer defined who I was. I started to let people in. Being an outsider is a choice. If you allow yourself to be vulernable people will open up to you. I always thought friendship was magic. That people should just like me but I have discovered in order to have friends you need to be a friend. You need to give of yourself expecting nothing in return. When you start doing this you will be amazed at what happens.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
I'm not sure anyone has shamed themselves sober...not in the long run.
Recovery takes work. You have been on SR long enough to know what to do. If you want to get sober, do the work to stay sober. There is no shame in not drinking.
You've said you've tried meetings. Do you also mean working the steps?
There are other methods of recovery. But all of those require you to particpate in applying those recovery methods to your life. I repeat, take an active role in your recovery!
I wish you luck.
Recovery takes work. You have been on SR long enough to know what to do. If you want to get sober, do the work to stay sober. There is no shame in not drinking.
You've said you've tried meetings. Do you also mean working the steps?
There are other methods of recovery. But all of those require you to particpate in applying those recovery methods to your life. I repeat, take an active role in your recovery!
I wish you luck.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,247
Hey Mamma...I agree with Fandy...You have lots of motivation to stop. We all understand..it sounds simple...'Don't drink'...But like we all know it is not quite that simple is it?
You are posting...which is good. Find other supports. Join the November class of SR...I rely quite a bit on SR..Yes exercise will definitely help.
You have support here. Keep posting..YOU CAN DO THIS!
Jim
You are posting...which is good. Find other supports. Join the November class of SR...I rely quite a bit on SR..Yes exercise will definitely help.
You have support here. Keep posting..YOU CAN DO THIS!
Jim
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: UT
Posts: 161
Mammy, meetings didnt work for me either. I understand being ashamed, scared and feeling guilty. It's a killer when your children start noticing. Dont wait to get help or develop a plan until you are drinking 2-3 bottles of wine a night! See your doctor although I know that is a very difficult admission in the first place. There are meds that can help with the process of detox and the urges afterwards, but they are not miracles in themselves. You still have to do the work.
Good luck to you.
Good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: fort wayne, IN.
Posts: 1,085
Wow, you sound so much like me. I passed my 6 week mark on Monday. I know you can do it. I am still sober but I am still dealing with the urge. It is not as bad as it was. I feel like I am trudging along. That is why I am thinking about AA again. I don't know if this makes sense but I am afraid I may drink again if I go to a meeting. I feel so stupid right now. I am a mess too.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Cleveland, OH
Posts: 1,191
I always struggled with feeling like the outsider. Was never comfortable in my own skin. Alcohol was always my answer. Worked great until it didnt. By that time I had crossed the line into alcoholism. I had lost the power to choose whether or not I was going to drink. I tried many times to not drink with no success. Meanwhile my internal discomfort and the feeliing of not fitting anywhere got worse and worse.
I eventually ended up in AA. Found a new solution to my problem.The 12 steps of AA are a program of action which, when applied allows us not only to be free of alcohol, but to be happy with who we are. To live useful lives. To be comfortable in all sorts of situations. TO help others.
I wish you the best!
I eventually ended up in AA. Found a new solution to my problem.The 12 steps of AA are a program of action which, when applied allows us not only to be free of alcohol, but to be happy with who we are. To live useful lives. To be comfortable in all sorts of situations. TO help others.
I wish you the best!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
it's bad when the kids notice, it's bad when your friends notice, it's awful when people you work with notice.....
and when I couldn't stand to face myself, it was the day I stopped. I was and still am not perfect...(i'm sober since April or early May 2011). but all the times i started to drink again, it was short-lived (as i hope yours is now), because I NEVER wanted to fall back down into that terrible pit i was in. You are human, you are learning, i think it's great that you have come back and are asking/admitting you need to connect with others and want to change your life.
no one fits perfectly into any space or group, but the common bond is the same...we all want a real life and to take an active stand in our sobriety. Drinking is like sitting in a hole, everyone runs you over and you can't get out.
and when I couldn't stand to face myself, it was the day I stopped. I was and still am not perfect...(i'm sober since April or early May 2011). but all the times i started to drink again, it was short-lived (as i hope yours is now), because I NEVER wanted to fall back down into that terrible pit i was in. You are human, you are learning, i think it's great that you have come back and are asking/admitting you need to connect with others and want to change your life.
no one fits perfectly into any space or group, but the common bond is the same...we all want a real life and to take an active stand in our sobriety. Drinking is like sitting in a hole, everyone runs you over and you can't get out.
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