Wildog007

I'm far from a newcomer. At least I've spent the last five years playing the revolving door game with A.A. I just keep losing the desperation and commitment it takes to keep me sober. The longer sober stint I've had was about six months. It seems once my butt I pulled from the flames and things start to improve, I forget have bad it was drinking and using. I have a beautiful wife and two young children. My wife and I seperated for six months or so last year and it was really hard on my kids. We've been back together for some time now. Of course I've ruined it and began drinking and using again a little at a time. Quickly I got right back where I was. I'm so tired of this merry go round.
I work hard to get sober and heal my family, then destroy it all.
Am I constitutionally incapable of being honest with myself?
Am I just a ****** person?
I've been clean two days and I'm wondering if everyone would be better off if I just disappeared and sent a check every month. I don't know. I'm tired of fighting and being beaten.

freshstart57

It is a great tragedy that you have been told this, and a greater one that you are believing it. It is miserable and shameful in the extreme.

You are a good person, and you deserve the same measure of peace and joy as we all do. Believe in this right, and demand it of yourself, Wildog. You can get sober, you really can. Believe that you can do it, and you will do it. Posting here is a good start, and I hope you keep doing it. There is a lot of support here for you.

Elisabeth888

Welcome!

It sounds like you are pretty tired of the life that is not sober. That is where I had to get. I just got so sick of drink, anxiety, guilt, pick up white chip. It is very OLD and nothing good ever comes from going out, just misery.

Get a sponsor and start working those steps!

Don't focus on past failures, put them behind you!

Wildog007

Thanks for the replies. It just so old reliving the same cycle over and over. There is no easier, softer way for me. I must be a real alcoholic. It's amazing how ones mind can manipulate them. " I haven't gone to a meeting in a month and still have not drank, I must not really be an alcoholic. I think I'll have a drink.". An example of the brilliant logic I'm capable of.

escapist

Don't give up on yourself. No one is perfect. We all stop drinking in our own way. You ,like everyone else here, can stop.