Peacegirl

Hello,
I have been on this site many times before, reading and trying to educate myself but this is my first post. My AH is in Recovery and is 30 days sober. This is his 3rd attempt in the last 2 years. I am doing the best I can, reading, attending alanon meetings whenever possible, and trying to be supportive of all the meetings he is attending. I guess most of my questions center around what is typically expected during this time. He typically goes to 2 meetings each night and on weekends, he will usually go to 2-3 per day as well. He had this pattern last 2 attempts as well and stopped telling me 'it just is too much'. I also have a brother who is a recovered Alcoholic (17 years) and he tells me it is time for him to start incorporating other healthy activities into his schedule such as working out, reading, anything other healthy habit as he is going to have to start learning to live differently and that he can't spend all his time in rooms. In the beginning, I certainly gave my opinion and yes, I have learned that it doesn't help one bit and I need to give him space to let recovery be his #1 priority. My question is: I know not everyone is the same but is it typical for the recovering alcoholic to 'check out' of life during this time? I literally feel like a single mom...running kids where they need to go in the evenings and trying to keep the house as well (I also work full time).
I am a very patient person but I would like to know what kind of support I can and should be offering during this time. Also, is irritability expected as well? I really never know what kind of mood my AH will be in and find myself walking on eggshells sometimes.
Thank you for listening,

Peacegirl

laurie6781

Yes it is, and longer, usually about 90 days at least and sometimes up to 6
months. Myself, I was so messed up, it took longer than the 6 months, (be
cause of the brain fog) before I felt I could start interacting in my own life.
And yes I was doing a LOT of meetings, sometimes up to 20 a week and
that was with working 40 hours a week.

Good for your brother being sober 17 years, but I disagree with his statement
about what your hubby 'should' be doing at 30 days sober. I would hope
your hubby has a sponsor and that he is starting to work the 12 Steps of AA,
and then he will start to learn how to LIVE the 12 steps of AA, and that is when
he will start to have some 'balance' in his life, work, home, family, meetings,
etc

Also, when he does start to finally interact with you more and with family and
family responsibilities he may still seem 'out of it' in that he literally does not
know what to do or how to do something. Remember, that the alcoholic,
literally stops growing emotionally when they first picked up the booze, conse-
quently with most of us A, we have the mentality of a teenager and sometimes
younger. I was at the level of a 12 year old, literally, when I found recovery
and it took some time to 'catch up' to my actual age of 36.

I hope you have an Alanon sponsor and are starting to work 'your steps' for you,
because then you will also start to learn how to 'live' the steps for you. When
two people are TRULY working and living the 12 steps to the best of their ability,
keeping their own side of the street clean (staying in their OWN program) then
there is a good chance of the relationship working.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Loopydays

My RAH is about 6 months sober- well white knuckling it!
He only goes to 3 meetings axweek- ibeish he went more and worked the programme- but that us his decision. He asks for, and then discounts, my opinions- so I try not to give him any. He is irritable, walking on eggshells - he also does not make sense as I see it most of the time! He says he will do one thing( eg cook dinner) then doesn't. It has taken me 6 months to realize I cannot support him fully - instead I need to look after my own recovery. Every time I offered support he either absolved himself from responsibility or calls me controlling. Patience is certainly something you will need- Al Anon has been my lifesaver!!

Peacegirl

Laurie, I have never heard it put that way..."stops growing emotionally". Now that you explain all you have, this really makes so much more sense to me. My son got hurt a couple weeks ago and went to the ER and he was totally non-responsive, almost angry about the whole situation. I currently can not depend on him during any times of crisis but am happy to hear that it may not be the way he is, its likely due to the alcoholism. I can see now that he probably needs time to learn how to actually deal with life and life situations being sober as he has never been sober as an adult. I won't say in the meanwhile that it isn't extremely difficult to know what to say or do when he acts this way (almost daily) but have found that he is starting to figure it out a bit on his own. He did actually come to me next day and apologize saying "I don't even know what to say about how I acted. All I could think about was missing what I had to do while we were at the hospital. I don't know why I am so selfish." He has never admitted this before and I was actually proud of him.

FireSprite

In my experience, yes, AH 'checked out' for about 6 months. It took me a long time & a lot of reading here at SR to understand not to take it personally. I relate COMPLETELY to the single mom feeling & honestly, there are still times when I feel that way now. (He has been sober for a little over a year) I work full time (w/ a nearly hour long commute each way), handle all of DD's school management for projects, homework, clubs & extras & handle 95% of the household as well. I make my family run & I do it well, but I also have learned to prioritize myself into that equation instead of leaving me last on the list. That helps EVERYONE.

These days that single-mom feeling it isn't all due to his meetings (he has cut down from daily to weekly with extra mtgs thrown in as necessary depending on whether he feels the need or wants to be there for another AA member) but more due to changes that have occurred in his work schedule. He's working hard to fight the tide of problems that he brought on by his drinking & there are no fast & easy fixes.

It's a long road for both of us & DD as well & although we'd like it 'over' & 'finished' that's just not reality - it's a progression of him quitting drinking, fixing whatever mistakes he can (financial, etc.), learning new habits/patterns together & separately, and for my husband there was also a lot of 'arrested development' which he is STILL combatting. That is the HARDEST part now IMO, trying to grow up emotionally & finish maturing when you're already a full-grown man. We've each triggered at times & lost time backtracking through issues. There is just no straight, lighted path.

I will also point out that we literally could not communicate in the first few months. We each had separate but overlapping issues & ranges of emotion (me: anger, frustration, victimization. him: guilt, fear, shame, physical pain) that we were each entitled to but that the other couldn't help fix or comprehend at the time. Plus, his brain was trying to start working again without the daily alcohol soaking. Reading about the literal physical changes happening in his body helped my understanding & patience & also helped when defining my boundaries. But really, the BEST thing I did was to focus on me & DD, working through my own issues & sticking to my boundaries. I've been very surprised at how much I've grown in this process!

Peacegirl

Thanks FireSprite. Your day to day life sounds very similiar to mine...I'm glad to hear that it does get better. Youre right that we want to see the end but in reality I guess there really is no end as he will be dealing with A his whole life. I am an avid reader and have educated myself a great deal. I've read the big book, articles, books etc... Hardest part is that I wish he would do this as well as he himself would understand what he's going through even more. Can't make him though and I know that this time around. Going to do what you guys said and concentrate on my healing as well as my kids. The boundaries thing is somewhat new for me and is tough but I'm getting there....

krisjbhm

My AH stopped drinking and started Antebuse 3 weeks ago. He started AA meetings yesterday and attended another today. He has spent the entire time laying on the sofa in the den either sleeping or watching TV - 24/7. There is no communication beyond grunts and "requests". If I speak to him I have to repeat it several times before he "hears" me. Walking on eggshells has become a way of life. I have never felt so alone in all my life. I attend AlAnon, read literature daily, and go to at least one open AA meeting a week. My sponsor keeps me sane! And now when I look at him I can't remember why I ever fell in love with him. In 3 years of marriage he has had 1 intervention and 2 rehabs. He started drinking constantly 2 days after returning from our honeymoon. No one, including him, told me about his "drinking problem"before we married. His family thought I had "cured" him. SURPRISE!!! Yes, it was worse while he was drinking and No, I don't want him to drink again. Thank goodness I have good friends and a wonderful dog!

PohsFriend

First thing first - you are going to Al-Anon and he is going to AA meetings and that is really great. Al-anon kept me from losing it a couple times.

The first thirty (365) days are really hard. My wife is in month 11 but had two slips along the way so she's about 75 days without a drink now. She had gone 9 months without (I think).

It is a very frustrating time for the non-alcoholic. The alcoholic is sober and more rational and there is so much we want to explain to them about how their drinking has impacted us but to do that only makes them more depressed and stressed. When I want to scream at my RAW I just remind myself of a little saying I made up to help me: "Alcoholics don't drink to drown out all the joy in their hearts".

It's unfair and not always logical. You have likely accumulated a list of things that should wind up on his amends list and instead it seems like you are the star of the resentment list. The impact it had on you? secondary.

My thoughts...
Take a breath and do your best to be supportive and understanding, not because he's earned it (I'm sure you have done your share of being forgiving and understanding already) but the bottom line is you want him well more than you want to be right ... right? From what I can tell that means being honest but being supportive. If he asks about some of the things that have hurt you then tell him but he probably won't. The first year you are dealing with an infant - they've used alcohol to dull their emotions and interactions for a long time so in addition to the exhaustion and other physical side effects and the one day at a time decision to go to AA not the bar.... They are also getting to experience their own and other people's emotions sans the filter of alcohol and it seems like that is a bit like pouring salty lemon juice on an exposed nerve.

I just got back from MC... was complaining tonight that for the past 6 months in there it has all been about hammering me for past misdeeds but since we started the process I have stuck to my commitment to give this all I have. Meanwhile, my RAW has pretty much broken every boundary we agree to at least once, she drank on our honeymoon while pregnant, then a few weeks later she snuck drinks for three days and lied about it. She stole prescriptiuons from me and lied about it. When I mentioned how hard it has been getting blamed for things I have not done, having her dismiss her own bad behavior as somehow my fault and the fear and worry that comes from not being able to trust that she is staying sober if I have to leave for business and leave her with the baby... she went to saying that if she is so awful and I am so miserable then maybe we should not be together.

I don't know if that was remorse or passive aggression. I have not really seen remorse so I don't know how to tell with her but I think it was just one more way of saying "I don't want to hear about what my problem does to you". I've learned to take a breath and assume nothing - over the next few days maybe she will tell me how all of the times she broke her promises or drank or lied was my fault. Maybe for the first time she will come to me and say that she understands that her illness has made my life very stressfula nd difficult and caused me harm many times... I don't know.

...and no I am not falling into making this response into a 'poor me'. I just wanted to pass along something I told her after our session tonight before she left for AA and I took the baby home:

I told her that I was not tellling her all of those things to make her feel bad. I told her there was something that did not come out in the room - While I was complaining about the things she has done and the hurt it has caused her family and husband, I also told her that I don't want to hear about us parting unless she truly wants that because I want her to understand that I have hung in here through the bottom and the first year of recovery and a lot of hard things and that I am still here fighting and praying that she makes it rather than saying "Who needs this sh1t!" and bolting: I love her. I love her very much. I know that if she loses this fight then I will lose her because I have told her that I will not live with an alcoholic who is using and THAT scares me because as much as she frustrates me, as much as the selfish inability of an alcoholic to acknowledge what it does to their loved ones... all of it - I love her. I'm in love with her. I'd miss her terribly if she doesn't make it and I have to deal with that fear and I know it may be a while before I am dealing with someone who is really capable of being fair and reasonable

...so take care of you. Try to find things that you enjoy and don't let yourself obsess over his recovery. It truly is his problem and I am a lot happier now that I stay aware of her AA progress but stay out of it. If she works her program she will stay sober. If she doesn't then she won't. If she doesn't then she'll lose her home, husband, step daughter and the baby boy she adores more than anything in the world and ther is just not a damn thing I can do except to be encouraging, maintain boundaries that ensure that I am not enabling and do my best not to go crazy worrying about stuff I did not cause, cannot control and cannot cure. Stick to your three c's :-)

OOPs, I did make that about me, lol. Sorry.

As far as the checking out... Month one my RAW was not here. Recovery started when I made her leave and get sober but it was the hardest month of her life. The next couple... kinda depressed, had a few good productive weeks but spent most of her time sitting on her ipad and smoking most of the daya nd could not get started. Then she got pregnant and I don't know if it was pregancy exhaustion or recovery or depression or what but she averaged being out of the bed maybe 4 hours per day. Now that the baby is here she is doing better - maybe she found her motivation.

From what I've seen and what others are telling me you just can't expect much for the first year of recovery... if they are sober and not doing anything that is intolerable to you then that's 'good'. Hang in there. New recovery is no picnic but it beats the hell out of being around a non functionaing alcoholic when they are drinking.