cloudwatcher

Hi. My name is Amanda. I have been lurking on this forum for a little while now, but figure it's time to make my first post.

Yesterday, a neighbor and family friend came over and gifted me a bottle of wine. I ended up drinking the entire thing. It took a while, but I did it.

I passed out early and woke up a little after midnight. I cannot help but feel horribly guilty about this.

I made sure to stay away from drunk texting, posting something stupid online, and everything else which makes me cringe the morning after, but I still feel horribly guilty.

It's because I know I cannot control my drinking, it's because deep down, I know I am alcoholic.

I am 25 and I am an alcoholic. I started drinking in my teens and I don't think I was ever in an environment where moderation was taken seriously. I have always skirted around the notion that I am an alcoholic, but when I was 21 I realized I really needed to stop binge drinking and so I took three months off. After that, my drinking curbed, but I still stink at moderation. I just can't do it. I am pretty good at abstaining from drinking for up to about two or three weeks at a time, even a month or more, especially if I'm smoking pot. I'd go as far to say that I, on a monthly average, drink less than most people my age. But that thought doesn't help or make me feel better. I always come back to the bottle, and the morning after is always that of shame, guilt, and beating myself up. I can go days doing this, even for up to a week if I did something I found particularly abhorrent.

My father was an alcoholic and I do not want to follow in his footsteps. I am very hard on myself and view alcohol as a scourge, yet still cannot bring myself to be able to moderate. I have barely any willpower when it comes to others drinking around me or encouraging me to drink.

I have one friend, who is a long-distance friend, who is my support system. I no longer have parents, I live alone, and the vast majority of my friends drink, so I don't often get as much support as I probably should.

How does one deal with this horrible shame and guilt? Obviously, I know I need to cut it out completely, and I think last night was the straw which broke the camel's back. I finally will say aloud that I am an alcoholic, after years of being terrified to admit it. If I weren't, I would not have taken that bottle of wine and downed it all (and then some) almost immediately after my neighbor left my house.

I feel so damn guilty, I could just cry. This is a very weak moment.

doggonecarl

Welcome to SR. Stop feeling guilty. You've taken a tremendous step in admitting your problem and coming here. Hope we can help.

phoebe64

Welcome. This is a great place. I wish I had your insight when I was your age. I will quote my primary care doctor, who did not even know the extent of my drinking, "I think it is just best to get that right out of your life." With a sweep of her hand. She was kind and gentle, and so completely logical.

Wish I listened. I did at the time, actually. But here I am again.

You are so young, and have so much ahead. It will be so much better sober. But it is very challenging being young and single and sober. There is a thread running on young adults in this newcomers area. And you can still join us in the November group. So many nice people there.

Melanomagirl

I am proud of you for recognizing your feelings of guilt and acknowledging you're an alcoholic. I think some people would say you don't have a problem if you can go weeks without drinking and when you do, you only have one bottle of wine...at least that's how my mind would rationalize things. But looking back at my life, my advice is to stop and to stop for good. I use to be like you! And then slowly I started drinking more often (but just a glass or two)...then my nights of one bottle (of wine) became more regular (once a week)...and even way back when I first started, I felt guilty! I think that may be a sign...people that aren't controlled by alcohol don't feel guilty. This is just my uneducated opinion. Don't beat yourself up!..but get serious about stopping for good...you'll save yourself many years of pain and guilt. Good luck!!

cloudwatcher

Thank you for your replies. I really appreciate it.

A bottle of wine is quite a bit for me, considering I do not drink regularly and weigh just over 100lbs.

I used to drink regularly, but have been slowly escaping the drinking since about July/August. I realised I drank too much, but did not realise I was an alcoholic, really. I think I was just afraid to admit it.

But last night really confirmed it for me. It's not something I just need to "get a handle on", it's an issue I'll be dealing with for the rest of my life. I know it will get easier, but I know I cannot any longer try to convince myself of it not being a problem... if I cannot moderate, I just shouldn't drink. No more fooling myself.

Windancer

I think all of us on here have felt guilty and/or downright awful about these situations at once time or another. I know I have ..... countless times.
Try and be excited and proud you are taking this positive and important step towards a better future!
There are many many people who dont drink for numerous reasons. For a long time I struggled with feeling I was "missing out" (Im 28 now) but I think Ive partied enough for about 20 people in my life and I am trying to focus on becoming more wholesome and healthy.
Congrats and let us know how you are doing! There is loads of support here.