Christmas with Addict in the Family, Help!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 2
Christmas with Addict in the Family, Help!
Hello, I'm new to the forum and recently joined to find helpful advice from others whose families have struggled with addiction.
My story:
My 24 year old brother-in-law is a recovering heroin and prescription drug addict. We discovered his addiction in Jan 2011 when he went missing for a few days and his parents were forced to inform us as they feared he was dead. As it turns out, his parents (my husband's mom/dad) had been hiding his drug addiction for several years from the rest of the family. (We live out of town)
When my husband and I finally found out, we arranged an intervention (paid for it) and insisted his parents send him to a qualified 90-day rehab program in CA. His parents were not fond of our plan but reluctantly went along with it.
Nevertheless, my brother in law left rehab after 30 days, against all medical advice and the wishes of the family. He somehow found a flight home and is now "recovering in his own way". He is adamant that he didn't need a 90 program and that we were all overreacting. He moved in with his girlfriend, found a job and claims to attend recovery meetings.
He wants all of us to accept his method and go back to treating him normally, trusting him again. My bottom line, I don't trust him at all. He betrayed my trust and squandered the treatment option we graciously extended to him.
My question: how do my husband and I handle this now? Do we agree to see him again at Christmas? Do I buy him a gift? (I don't want to!)
He has never apologized to us for leaving rehab, only for making us upset. I don't believe he addressed the root cause of his addiction related issues (depression, neglect in childhood, etc) and will certainly relapse - if he's even clean now. How should we handle this? Help!
-trying to do the right thing
My story:
My 24 year old brother-in-law is a recovering heroin and prescription drug addict. We discovered his addiction in Jan 2011 when he went missing for a few days and his parents were forced to inform us as they feared he was dead. As it turns out, his parents (my husband's mom/dad) had been hiding his drug addiction for several years from the rest of the family. (We live out of town)
When my husband and I finally found out, we arranged an intervention (paid for it) and insisted his parents send him to a qualified 90-day rehab program in CA. His parents were not fond of our plan but reluctantly went along with it.
Nevertheless, my brother in law left rehab after 30 days, against all medical advice and the wishes of the family. He somehow found a flight home and is now "recovering in his own way". He is adamant that he didn't need a 90 program and that we were all overreacting. He moved in with his girlfriend, found a job and claims to attend recovery meetings.
He wants all of us to accept his method and go back to treating him normally, trusting him again. My bottom line, I don't trust him at all. He betrayed my trust and squandered the treatment option we graciously extended to him.
My question: how do my husband and I handle this now? Do we agree to see him again at Christmas? Do I buy him a gift? (I don't want to!)
He has never apologized to us for leaving rehab, only for making us upset. I don't believe he addressed the root cause of his addiction related issues (depression, neglect in childhood, etc) and will certainly relapse - if he's even clean now. How should we handle this? Help!
-trying to do the right thing
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Hi and Welcome,
I'm sorry for your situation.
I think that the bottom line is that the addict has to decide for himself that he needs to change. When it's a situation where he is pushed/forced into treatment, it's going to be very difficult for it work.
As for you, you should do whatever you feel comfortable with for Christmas. Have you considered NarAnon as a support for yourself?
I'm sorry for your situation.
I think that the bottom line is that the addict has to decide for himself that he needs to change. When it's a situation where he is pushed/forced into treatment, it's going to be very difficult for it work.
As for you, you should do whatever you feel comfortable with for Christmas. Have you considered NarAnon as a support for yourself?
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
In AA we learn we can not control people places or things. While your motives are wonderful you are trying to control someone who does not want to be controlled and as a result your efforts are likely to fail. The following may is from the AA big book and my help you see your efforts in a differant light.
The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits.
What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. He begins to think life doesn't treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?
The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits.
What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. He begins to think life doesn't treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 2
All very helpful, thanks for the responses. No situation is easy to figure out and it seems as though I need to trust my gut and do what I feel most comfortable as it relates to gifts, etc. After writing this, I realized I am more mad at the enablers (parents) than the addict. Their inability to cut the cord is a huge factor - I am now considering how to appropriately and lovingly confront them with my concern.
BadCompany - do you not believe that an addict owes an apology to their family after betraying their collective trust? My brother lied, cheated and manipulated all of us for years, are we not owed reconciliation if he truly in recovery and making steps to change?
I believe his lack of sincere reconciliation shows his true colors - or maybe I am just too burned by his prior scams. Appreciate your feedback, as someone who doesn't personally struggle with addiction it's difficult for me to gain proper perspective sometimes.
n
BadCompany - do you not believe that an addict owes an apology to their family after betraying their collective trust? My brother lied, cheated and manipulated all of us for years, are we not owed reconciliation if he truly in recovery and making steps to change?
I believe his lack of sincere reconciliation shows his true colors - or maybe I am just too burned by his prior scams. Appreciate your feedback, as someone who doesn't personally struggle with addiction it's difficult for me to gain proper perspective sometimes.
n
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
Hi and welcome Nikki 
I agree with Anna - do whatever makes you comfortable this Christmas.
I hope you'll also check out our Friends and Family forums - you'll find a lot of support down there too.
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
D
I agree with Anna - do whatever makes you comfortable this Christmas.
I hope you'll also check out our Friends and Family forums - you'll find a lot of support down there too.
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by Nikki827 
When my husband and I finally found out, we arranged an intervention (paid for it) and insisted his parents send him to a qualified 90-day rehab program in CA.
Best to just set your own boundaries, take care of yourself, all that. You can't make him do anything, really.
Buy him a gift, or not. Approve of him and his way of doing things or not. It's just not up to you whether he gets recovered, or not, whether he goes to AA, NA or rehab or.... not.
Knights in shining armor can't ride in and save the day with something so complex and confusing and messy as addiction and alcoholism.
Love, yea, that can go a long way... but it will happen on it's time, not yours.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 3,937
Originally Posted by Nikki827
BadCompany - do you not believe that an addict owes an apology to their family after betraying their collective trust? My brother lied, cheated and manipulated all of us for years, are we not owed reconciliation if he truly in recovery and making steps to change?
I believe his lack of sincere reconciliation shows his true colors - or maybe I am just too burned by his prior scams. Appreciate your feedback, as someone who doesn't personally struggle with addiction it's difficult for me to gain proper perspective sometimes.
n
I believe his lack of sincere reconciliation shows his true colors - or maybe I am just too burned by his prior scams. Appreciate your feedback, as someone who doesn't personally struggle with addiction it's difficult for me to gain proper perspective sometimes.
n
As for a christmas present, get him the book heroin diaries by Nikii Sixx. If he really is in recovery he will treasure it forever, if not it will drive him mad as he will be too curious and will read it anyway.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Posts: 367
Well if he is clean today what's the problem? You wanted him to get clean, he is, sounds like a howling success. Most of the people I know who are clean from long periods of time from narcotics did NOT go through 90 day programs.
I've seen as many people gung-ho about fixing themselves and righting every wrong of the past go out and use again so try not to read too much into his inability to offer you any thanks or appology. Really if the kid is actually staying clean it's probably the hardest thing he's ever done in his life and probably has a full plate without having to run around saying "I'm sorry" to everyone he's ever met. Many of us have said "I'm sorry" so many times nobody wants to hear it anyway, and we don't even want to hear ourselves say it. Some things just take time to heal.
IMO if giving this fellow a gift is conditional on some sort of reciprocity from him than it's not much of a gift anyway, it's more of a wage for some work he did for you, so you may as well not. If you want to give him a gift simply because you care for him and want him to have something nice you won't be disappointed.
I've seen as many people gung-ho about fixing themselves and righting every wrong of the past go out and use again so try not to read too much into his inability to offer you any thanks or appology. Really if the kid is actually staying clean it's probably the hardest thing he's ever done in his life and probably has a full plate without having to run around saying "I'm sorry" to everyone he's ever met. Many of us have said "I'm sorry" so many times nobody wants to hear it anyway, and we don't even want to hear ourselves say it. Some things just take time to heal.
IMO if giving this fellow a gift is conditional on some sort of reciprocity from him than it's not much of a gift anyway, it's more of a wage for some work he did for you, so you may as well not. If you want to give him a gift simply because you care for him and want him to have something nice you won't be disappointed.
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