AS relapsed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Southeast, USA
Posts: 69
AS relapsed
My 21 year old AS has relapsed. Again. He had been doing so well. After serving several months in jail he went into a 28 day rehab and was over 90 days clean. He moved into an SLE (which I financed the first month) 200 miles away and found a job he loved within two days. For three weeks he worked all day, attended NA in the evenings and sounded so happy. At the end of those three weeks, he relapsed with a guy he met at NA, and they were both arrested the next day for using the other guy's mother's credit card and checks. Seven charges including two felonies. AS spent a month in jail before going to court. They dropped all charges except one, dropped the felonies, and gave him probation. Once again, he is at large. He called me and asked to "borrow" $100 to get into a halfway house because he was homeless (this was Thanksgiving day) and I told him no. He cried and pleaded with me but I stood my ground. The next day I received a call from a treatment center that he was admitted into their program (this is his third time at this particular one). Now I KNOW the only reason he went is because he had nowhere else to go and he is familiar with them! He has called twice and I have not answered. I am ready, once again, to give up my front row seat. I just can't deal with him anymore. His counselor called today and I couldn't answer because I was in a meeting. Should I call her back? I do not want to be any part of this. His DOC is heroin.
Whaty
Whaty
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Whaty)) - I'm sorry
Good for you on giving up that front row seat. As far as calling the counselor back, I don't know but I would think that's not a decision you need to make right now. Please take good care of YOU.
Hugs and prayers to you and your son,
Amy
Good for you on giving up that front row seat. As far as calling the counselor back, I don't know but I would think that's not a decision you need to make right now. Please take good care of YOU.Hugs and prayers to you and your son,
Amy
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Dear Whaty, I am so sorry to hear of this, but sadly we have all faced it haven't we? I wonder if the rehab knows that your son is playing with them. Wouldn't the third time be a clue that he is showing up for the wrong reason? I am also pondering this with my son who is currently in jail until 2-10 at which time he will be required to attend a 6 month rehab. The front row seat is too much for me to ever bear again. I understand, it is so hard to detach when they start showing signs of improvement. I think if it is urgent, then the counselor will call you back. If you give up the front row seat, but God needs you to be involved somehow, rest assured that will happen.
hugs,
Teresa
hugs,
Teresa
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
((((Whaty))))
I am sorry at least he is back in the program even if for the wrong reasons maybe he will learn something else he has to learn on his journey.
I agree no need in making a decision about calling the counselor right now maybe think about what you wanna do they call you back?
Sending prayers.
I am sorry at least he is back in the program even if for the wrong reasons maybe he will learn something else he has to learn on his journey.
I agree no need in making a decision about calling the counselor right now maybe think about what you wanna do they call you back?
Sending prayers.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 349
What's- I am so sorry for what you are going through. I've been down this same road with my 23 yr old son who's drug of choice was also heroin. I don't have any words of wisdom but just wanted you to know you are not alone and the people here on SR genuinely care. Your son has been to rehab before so he does have the tools he needs to get back on track. And he is in rehab and hopefully he will embrace recovery again. It took my son several attempts before he got it. Hugs and prayers for you.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Southeast, USA
Posts: 69
Thanks so much for the support. I am so disappointed that he got out of jail, and that they didn't order him into a long term rehab. He has one more court appearance for his probation violation so there is hope.
Whaty
Whaty
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Cynical wrote:
>>>>>As of this afternoon, I've had to do the same with my only living relative.<<<<<
Dear Cynical,
I'm so sorry.I had to do the same with a primary/first tier relationship over
21 years ago.The abusive behavior was given several good faith chances to remediate.
As you have counseled---when you make an ultamatum,you'd better stick to it or you
are only proving that you fold when the pressure is on.
With me it was my response to the STATEMENT(not request) made to me
....."It's time for me to meet the kids".
My response was "No.Your venom dies with you---you don't get to spread it to the
next generation...pity you were too much of a coward to stop it in it's tracks when you
were up at bat".
I worried about how I'd feel after the person died,which in this case was 5 years
later.Would I feel dreadful remorse? Hate myself?
Nope. I felt good. Damn good! Happy that I stopped that dreadful repeating generational
pattern of abuse.I felt like a firewall between all that was good (like a warm puppy)
......and all that was evil (like addiction).
But I do know what you feel today,Cynical. I hope my words provide the smallest
fraction of the comfort that your many and informative writings have provided me.
>>>>>As of this afternoon, I've had to do the same with my only living relative.<<<<<
Dear Cynical,
I'm so sorry.I had to do the same with a primary/first tier relationship over
21 years ago.The abusive behavior was given several good faith chances to remediate.
As you have counseled---when you make an ultamatum,you'd better stick to it or you
are only proving that you fold when the pressure is on.
With me it was my response to the STATEMENT(not request) made to me
....."It's time for me to meet the kids".
My response was "No.Your venom dies with you---you don't get to spread it to the
next generation...pity you were too much of a coward to stop it in it's tracks when you
were up at bat".
I worried about how I'd feel after the person died,which in this case was 5 years
later.Would I feel dreadful remorse? Hate myself?
Nope. I felt good. Damn good! Happy that I stopped that dreadful repeating generational
pattern of abuse.I felt like a firewall between all that was good (like a warm puppy)
......and all that was evil (like addiction).
But I do know what you feel today,Cynical. I hope my words provide the smallest
fraction of the comfort that your many and informative writings have provided me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Southeast, USA
Posts: 69
Thanks, Cynical, and I am sorry for the decision you had to make today.
Right now my main purpose is to save my sanity and to shield my daughter from the madness. I just recently feel I have her respect back after letting him back into our home the summer of 2011. What a bad decision that was.
I believe I will leave it alone. It is up to him, and he is going to do what he is going to do whether he has my emotional support or not. He is a loving son, has never blamed me and he knows I love him. He also knows I have reached the end of my rope with him.
Thankfully I have been able to mostly detach from this. I don't dwell on it and continue to live a happy life with my daughter. My son has had a privilege/benefit since birth (due to my job - not money!) that he has always taken for granted. I recently took it away from him for good and that may just be his bottom!
Whaty
Right now my main purpose is to save my sanity and to shield my daughter from the madness. I just recently feel I have her respect back after letting him back into our home the summer of 2011. What a bad decision that was.
I believe I will leave it alone. It is up to him, and he is going to do what he is going to do whether he has my emotional support or not. He is a loving son, has never blamed me and he knows I love him. He also knows I have reached the end of my rope with him.
Thankfully I have been able to mostly detach from this. I don't dwell on it and continue to live a happy life with my daughter. My son has had a privilege/benefit since birth (due to my job - not money!) that he has always taken for granted. I recently took it away from him for good and that may just be his bottom!
Whaty
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
Whaty, it is certainly understandable for you to step back and give up that front row seat to protect yourself and your daughter. We all know how terribly destructive that addiction roller coaster can be. I'm sorry that you are going through this. Your son's relapse is so disappointing.
It might help to remember that he didn't do it to hurt you. From what you say, he was doing well for awhile. He was trying. And it's so hard. I've heard addiction defined as a "chronic relapsing disease." Relapse happens. Your son is young, which makes it even harder. And heroin is so tough to kick. It's quite possible that he feels like a failure right now. Like a total loser. Your refusal to give him money pushed him right back to the treatment center, which is a very good thing. Hopefully, his relapse taught him some things, and with the support of his counselor and the folks at the treatment center, he'll be able to sustain recovery for a longer period this time - maybe even for good.
Saying a prayer for you, your son, and your daughter tonight.
It might help to remember that he didn't do it to hurt you. From what you say, he was doing well for awhile. He was trying. And it's so hard. I've heard addiction defined as a "chronic relapsing disease." Relapse happens. Your son is young, which makes it even harder. And heroin is so tough to kick. It's quite possible that he feels like a failure right now. Like a total loser. Your refusal to give him money pushed him right back to the treatment center, which is a very good thing. Hopefully, his relapse taught him some things, and with the support of his counselor and the folks at the treatment center, he'll be able to sustain recovery for a longer period this time - maybe even for good.
Saying a prayer for you, your son, and your daughter tonight.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
So sorry for your pain. Congratulations for having the strength to say "no" to him on Thanksgiving.
You need to put yourself first, and if that means not talking to the counselor, that's fine. If you want to talk to the counselor to let him/her know your position - but not involve yourself in his recovery, that's fine too. You may also want to send him letter telling him you love him, but you need to step off the roller coaster, and he should call you when he's been sober for 12 months.
Whatever will give you peace.
You need to put yourself first, and if that means not talking to the counselor, that's fine. If you want to talk to the counselor to let him/her know your position - but not involve yourself in his recovery, that's fine too. You may also want to send him letter telling him you love him, but you need to step off the roller coaster, and he should call you when he's been sober for 12 months.
Whatever will give you peace.
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