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So here I am again.

Old 11-27-2012, 02:10 PM
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Question So here I am again.

So,

As sad as it is to say. I'm back to the start. Or have I ever even left the starting line? Haven't been able to stay clean for more then a week in the past six years of my life. Well, clean off pills or heroin. Not including the three rehabs and two detoxes program I was in. All but one of which being in the past year and half of my life. I just got out of rehab about three weeks or so, convinced I could stay away from everything. Not even 3 hours home, I was on the phone trying find an excuse or sort of game plan to stick that needle in my arm. And the next day I did. Went away to New York for about a week, just to try and clear my head. I've been clean from any sort of opiate for about 3 days. But, I have been smoking pot. As sick as this sounds, that's a great three days for me. Any day not sticking that needle in my arm seems like it's a good day. I'm still young, only 23 years old. Been an addict since about 14 or 15 I suppose. An everything junky in my earlier years. Until I found that perfect candy. It's hard for me to accept the fact I shouldn't be doing ANYTHING at all. What's wrong with going out for a few drinks with some close friends? I can pick up a beer or two and not drink to get drunk. There's always those exceptions, I'm just praying to god I can be one of those. Don't really know where I was going with this. Just nervous. Usually the inevitable would of happened or will soon be happening. And, I just can't keep doing that anymore. I won;t do that anymore. The vivid images, the dreams, the familiar places in passing, and even the faces of my family make me want to use. I AM doing things that I usually never seem to follow and that is to stay away from those who I partied with or bought from. Two of which were close friends of mine. Been changing my behaviors. But, at the same time Is this enough? It seems impossible to just change over your entire life, every little detail just like that. For me one thing at a time is tough, and to be told the only way to do this is to change everything in a snap? No way. This disease has taken a toll on me and the loved ones around me. We both need a break. I want this. I need this. I've lost so much. And I want it back. I lost it all over time and I know I can regain it all back in time. I don't know.



"If my fear has kept me here, only my fear can set me free."
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Old 11-27-2012, 02:24 PM
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Hey there SelfishMeans,

Welcome to SR. It sounds like you are pretty determined to change your life around, and to actually start a life.

Glad that you found SR, many supportive people here.

Keep coming back. From another (NEPA)
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Old 11-27-2012, 03:10 PM
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everything is already ok
 
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Welcome back and not sad at all in one way, you made it back. This dis ease is a killer its soul function is to kill us and while it does that to make us as miserable as possible.

So congrats on getting back out from under.

Kevin
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Old 11-27-2012, 06:38 PM
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Welcome back, you are still very young and can have an amazing sober life in front of you!! Wish I had stopped drinking when I was your age.
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Old 11-27-2012, 06:44 PM
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Just keep picking yourself up and working at it my friend.
I have been to numerous treatment centers and have tried several different things. I totally understand the feeling of "I dont know if i can ever beat this..." but I decided to disagree with that attitude as much as I can. If others have done it, so can I. You CAN too.
Welcome back.
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