Was it just quacking?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Was it just quacking?
I am trying to find the reasoning why my exabf would say what he said when we split & now it seems it obviously meant nothing.
Was it just the alcoholic quacking? Was he just filling in time until he hooked up with new girlfriend?
Things said were:
I will always love you
We will look out for one another
This is a big one for me - "I wish with all my heart not to loose contact with you".
Am I looking into this too much, searching for answers that will never come?
It just seems hurtful to say stuff like that when it seems it was all complete BS.
Should I just put it down to quacking & realise it meant nothing?
Was it just the alcoholic quacking? Was he just filling in time until he hooked up with new girlfriend?
Things said were:
I will always love you
We will look out for one another
This is a big one for me - "I wish with all my heart not to loose contact with you".
Am I looking into this too much, searching for answers that will never come?
It just seems hurtful to say stuff like that when it seems it was all complete BS.
Should I just put it down to quacking & realise it meant nothing?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
I would like to know the answer to that too! Last time AH stopped talking to me, he moved out for a year. Then I got an email out of the blue saying 'I love you and I always will. I love your sense of style and humour'. It's a mystery!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Does it matter? His words do not determine your worth or your life's meaning. Only you can do that. I normally don't quote Hunter S. Thompson, but this one struck me recently:
“We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and -- in spite of True Romance magazines -- we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely -- at least, not all the time -- but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don't see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness.”
At first I thought it was the most depressing thing I had ever read. Now I find it empowering. Most of us will never get the answers we are looking for. Instead of lamenting those lost answers, I'm going to focus on letting go of the questions.
Hugs to you, rosiepetal, you've been through a lot and come a long way.
“We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and -- in spite of True Romance magazines -- we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely -- at least, not all the time -- but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don't see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness.”
At first I thought it was the most depressing thing I had ever read. Now I find it empowering. Most of us will never get the answers we are looking for. Instead of lamenting those lost answers, I'm going to focus on letting go of the questions.
Hugs to you, rosiepetal, you've been through a lot and come a long way.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
to me those last lines - those "words without actions" were like bait on a hook to a fish ~
only trying to keep me lured into the same dysfuncational thinking that worked for HIM -
I had chosen a different life, a healthier life, a saner life ~ those same "lines" whether he meant them or not - they just didn't work for me anymore - I had decided I wanted someone who's actions and words matched - even if it was only ME for the rest of my life.
I deserve that and so do each of you.
Just my experience, strength and hope - please feel free to take what you feel can help you and leave the rest
pink hugs,
only trying to keep me lured into the same dysfuncational thinking that worked for HIM -
I had chosen a different life, a healthier life, a saner life ~ those same "lines" whether he meant them or not - they just didn't work for me anymore - I had decided I wanted someone who's actions and words matched - even if it was only ME for the rest of my life.
I deserve that and so do each of you.
Just my experience, strength and hope - please feel free to take what you feel can help you and leave the rest
pink hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi Rosie,
I have been often haunted by the same thing... he said so much, like he loved me and couldn't imagine life without me. He also said that he would love me always and would do whatever it took to make things work.
I have no idea if he meant them or not, but I now consider him to be a mentally ill addict who cannot keep promises or tell the truth. So yeah, I guess I pretty much chalk it up to quacking...
I have been often haunted by the same thing... he said so much, like he loved me and couldn't imagine life without me. He also said that he would love me always and would do whatever it took to make things work.
I have no idea if he meant them or not, but I now consider him to be a mentally ill addict who cannot keep promises or tell the truth. So yeah, I guess I pretty much chalk it up to quacking...
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I got similar sentiments. And ya know what? I think at the time he meant what he said. Unfortunately, he changed his mind. It happens. It's normal. Sometimes we decide we just don't want to be in a relationship anymore, and reasons why just don't matter.
Only you can let it stop haunting you, and that really is your choice.
Only you can let it stop haunting you, and that really is your choice.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
ah had said alot of things but with the addict mind which even after sobreity needs to be recovered as well. he may have meant it or he may not have.....addicts dont know what they are saying thinking or doing or they do but not know why.
but then again no offense to some guys on here....but some guys are just **** and say sweet pretty nothings with no real meaning. met a few....dont care for them in the least they are sweet pretty nothings themselves lol
but then again no offense to some guys on here....but some guys are just **** and say sweet pretty nothings with no real meaning. met a few....dont care for them in the least they are sweet pretty nothings themselves lol
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Whatever the words, they were spoken only with the A's self-interest speaking and hearing.
They proved not to be actions or emotions of true love for another person.
They were just words, just for the A's I, Self & Me - the "ism" inside.
They were as empty as their last drink, hit or use was.
They made the A feel better at the time.
They gave the A the usual "easy out."
They proved not to be actions or emotions of true love for another person.
They were just words, just for the A's I, Self & Me - the "ism" inside.
They were as empty as their last drink, hit or use was.
They made the A feel better at the time.
They gave the A the usual "easy out."
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Addicts say stuff they don't mean all the time:
"I promise I will never get that wasted and abusive ever again"
And then they do the same thing a few weeks later.
I believe they get quite comfortable with believing they can say and do ANYTHING and be forgiven by their codies and enablers. So, when they say something we wanted to hear, we hang onto it - it's a little glimmer of hope. Until we get strong enough to say ENOUGH!
Mine can't quite believe that his cosy life is gone and he is 100% responsible for himself - like every other adult ought to be. He is really, really angry about it too. Tough titties for him
That's my experience.
"I promise I will never get that wasted and abusive ever again"
And then they do the same thing a few weeks later.
I believe they get quite comfortable with believing they can say and do ANYTHING and be forgiven by their codies and enablers. So, when they say something we wanted to hear, we hang onto it - it's a little glimmer of hope. Until we get strong enough to say ENOUGH!
Mine can't quite believe that his cosy life is gone and he is 100% responsible for himself - like every other adult ought to be. He is really, really angry about it too. Tough titties for him
That's my experience.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I have found that the Three Cs apply to both the disease of addiction and the behavior surrounding intimate relationship with a person living with addiction.
I did not cause it
I cannot control it
I cannot cure it.
I experienced that what my loved one said he did mean, at the time. Then sticking with it was challenging because he could not be present with his emotions for very long without numbing out...
In my experience the use of alcohol was one way of numbing out...another addictive like behavior was getting into relationships, as the beginning they can be similar to a high.
I struggled for months with both, but time did help and it did get better, as I got a chance to heal from both.
I did not cause it
I cannot control it
I cannot cure it.
I experienced that what my loved one said he did mean, at the time. Then sticking with it was challenging because he could not be present with his emotions for very long without numbing out...
In my experience the use of alcohol was one way of numbing out...another addictive like behavior was getting into relationships, as the beginning they can be similar to a high.
I struggled for months with both, but time did help and it did get better, as I got a chance to heal from both.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Thank you all for your responses, it's so nice to have the support of my SR friends. I realise I will never have the answers or know what was true or not.
It could be our entire relationship was false.
I haven't been sleeping well & the xabfs words were getting to me.
Today will be better.
I am getting my hair done, I have the rare occasion of not having children tonight so I get to catch up with a friend too. These are treats & positives.
For today I focus on myself.
PS: I have my codependent no more book to read at the hairdressers.
Thank you again.
It could be our entire relationship was false.
I haven't been sleeping well & the xabfs words were getting to me.
Today will be better.
I am getting my hair done, I have the rare occasion of not having children tonight so I get to catch up with a friend too. These are treats & positives.
For today I focus on myself.
PS: I have my codependent no more book to read at the hairdressers.
Thank you again.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Originally Posted by LifeRecovery 
I have found that the Three Cs apply to both the disease of addiction and the behavior surrounding intimate relationship with a person living with addiction.
I did not cause it
I cannot control it
I cannot cure it.
I experienced that what my loved one said he did mean, at the time. Then sticking with it was challenging because he could not be present with his emotions for very long without numbing out...
I did not cause it
I cannot control it
I cannot cure it.
I experienced that what my loved one said he did mean, at the time. Then sticking with it was challenging because he could not be present with his emotions for very long without numbing out...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
They do the best they can, sometimes they reach in deep and find their soul for a moment or maybe two, and then they've lost touch again.
Sometimes they say what they want, what they wanted to be true...
But that doesn't mean they can live it.
Remember and cherish the best, remember the worst only to the extent it keeps you honest enough not to return, and open yourself to the rest of your life.
ShootingStar1
Sometimes they say what they want, what they wanted to be true...
But that doesn't mean they can live it.
Remember and cherish the best, remember the worst only to the extent it keeps you honest enough not to return, and open yourself to the rest of your life.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by ShootingStar1
Remember and cherish the best, remember the worst only to the extent it keeps you honest enough not to return, and open yourself to the rest of your life.
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