story74

So, my xah is MIA yet again. We haven't seen him in 3 weeks, and he has been a no call no show for visitations. Tonight, I thought it best to tell my son that daddy is sick again. My son looks at me and said, "but daddy said he was never sick" Why am I shocked at this? Well, I am disappointed that it has come to this. The back story is that the last time my xah was missing for 3 months I tols my son he was sick. I told my ex this, and for some reason my x was FURIOUS and put up such a fight. He tried to tell me that he was out of town. Which was a ridiculous lie. You don't just go MIA for 3 months and come back and say "sorry, I was out of town where there were no phone lines" Anyways, I told the xah that I had told our son he was sick, and he was going to have to accept it. Well, apparently during the supervised visit at the park, while I was sitting at the picnic table he told my son that he wasn't sick. How long has my son been sitting with this in his head?

I am upset because I have done everything to ensure that my son trusts me.
I am upset because I have spent 16 years with this man and have been more than fair. I have tried to do everything right. I speak kindly about him to my son. And, he goes behind my back yet again and goes against what I had said????????? What does it matter sayig he is sick to a 4 year old. Is he REALLY in such massive denial?

I am not angry. I am just sad. i never wanted this kind of life for my son. I never wanted to have to ay chess with an addict. I am not out for power, I am just out for the well being of my son. That's it. And this addict is an emotional mess.

I have been so law abiding, but I am about to change my number and tell him to go F himself. How much more am I suppose to take? This is ridiculous. It is so much better when he is MIA. Does he really think he can just disappear and come back into our life whenever he wants and do whatever he wants and say whatever he wants..whenever he wants?

I would die if my son couldn't trust me. I told my son that I am sorry that daddy told him that he wasn't sick, but daddy is sick. And, that daddy doesn't think he is sick but needs to get better. He seemed fine with this. and we moved on. But, it left me feeling horrible inside.

My xah left us emotionally when my son was 2. He completely abandoned us when my son was 1 month shy of turning 3. My son was upset for 6 months, and wanted nothing to do with him. Then, he started seeing him a little more often and was happy to see him. Then, the addict disappeared for 3 months and my son was very upset. Then, he came back into our lives again and my son was happy to see him. now, he is gone again. My son seems fine. The x has no involvement in our life whatsoever. He has the legal righ to see my son for 2 hours supervised a week. My son has become use to random visits. We don't talk about him. We never hear from him on holidays or birthdays. I just wonder long term how this will affect my son. He isn't in counseling yet. I can't afford it, and I feel he is too young. We are having such a great year. The other day he was running around, and I looked at him and thought...he is a solid boy. He is super strong and always sticks up for himself. He is super charming, and is proud of being a rule follower. I love him so much. I am so tired of this selfish addict destroying, hurting, lying, disappointing, manipulating and basically creating nothing but drama. Were the entire 16 years I spent with this man a lie. Has he always been an *******? Who has this man become? And if and when I confront him about this, he will deny it or ignore it! Who knows, maybe he will just disappear forever. I have to say that if he died from an overdose right now, I don't even think I would mourn him. Because to me he has been dead a long time. I pray he gets better, but I fear he is way down the rabbit hole spiraling out of control. He is a mess. It is so sad.

I just hope that my son knows that he can trust me and that every choice that I have made has been thoughtful and in his best interest. I know I just have to keep being the better person and build morals and values with my son. I am sure that my son will and does trust me. I have ALWAYS been good on my word with him. ALWAYS. I just hate even having to be in this situation.

ugh. Anywyas, I am not going to let this eat me up inside. I am not going to be depressed and worry about this. I am just going to keep building my wonderful relationship with my beautiful son. I can't control the future, but just need to do my best as a mother every day!

I hate addiction. I really do.

Stayingtough

I feel like our experiences might be simulair. I was itch my exah for 12 years, married 5 and we have an amazing baby boy. My ex doesn't know how amazing he is by he chooses not to see him for his supervised visits. It kills me that my ex isn't in his life, but I dread the day when my baby boy has to go through the random visitations. I plan to use the "daddy is sick" thing to when the time comes- this way there are no lies

You are doing the right thing. Legally you cant keep your little man from his dad. But I promise, your baby knows he can trust you- you are the one there every day, every night. Your the one who makes sure he eats and has clean clothes. your son will one day have more appreciation for you and the life you have made sure he has than you will ever know. Stay strong and keep being the amazing mom you know you are

Anaya

I am sorry you and your son have to go through this. I don't know what to say about your ex denying being sick to your son. As far as trust goes, I believe actions speak louder than words and the daily example you set for your son by being there for him and loving and nurturing him will surely affect him positively and speaks volumes.

I applaud you for being such a dependable and giving parent.

wornoutagain

Hi Story,
I had a similar sitituation when my ex and I divorced<<He was NOT an addict<<. My son as one and my daughter was 3. He was never regular with visition, if he ever at all. I never said a word to my children like 'daddy will be here in an hour' or ' your going with your dad on Friday'...there was no way of ever knowing if he would show or not.

My ex was told the schedule. My kids and I just carried on as normal like any day or week. If the ex showed he would have to wait outside for them to get ready IF they wanted to go. If not I did not make them go. No lies no worrying about their trust in me. What was he going to do? Take me back to court????For what??? I wasnt denying him anything.

But as my children grew older realized what was happening on their own. I never spoke a negative word about their father to them--not even the 'sick' thing.. If they ever asked where he was I said "I dont know honey but I do know he loves you very much' which was the truth--and left it at that.

My children are now 17 and 20 and although they have a relationship with him. Its not close at all. Its more out of obligation to him. And he regrets it deeply. And dont get me wrong I hate his guts lol for all of it. but in the end you reap what you sow. And I had nothing to do with it.

Just my thoughts

supportforme

Story - I know your pain too well. When my xAH does decide to visit, I have similar issues. You're doing the best you can do and I agree, the most important thing you can do is ensure that your son trusts you. My sons are a little older (14 & 7), I've taken the advice here and no longer tell them he is coming b/c when he doesn't show up, I'm left with damage control. If he does, they are pleasantly surprised. I never say a bad thing about their dad, I continue to tell them when they ask why their dad doesn't come or call that their dad loves them and it's not about him not loving them or not wanting to see them. Their dad has a disease and is trapped by his addiction. I know it's hard. I've been struggling alot lately with some of the thoughts you've posted and I realized that I stopped having any expectations as a wife; however, I need to accept that he is not capable of being the father my boys deserve and stop have expectations for him to do the right thing. If he was capable, we wouldn't be here. Hang in there and your boy is very fortunate to have such a strong, loving, caring mom.

hello-kitty

I was told not to make excuses for my ex. Your daddy loves you. He'll see you when he can. I was also told to use terms like illness or disease to describe his addiction. I also never told my son his daddy was coming to visit so that if he showed it was a surprise but if he didn't then my son wasn't hurt or left wondering when he was going to come. My son is seven now. He rarely asks for his dad. When he does, I empathize with him. I tell him that its normal to be sad or angry that his dad never comes around or calls.Ive also explained that npt all parents are good parents but that when he grows up he'll be a good parent because he'll know what it feels like to have a dad that wasn't part of his life growing up.

drc5426

Your situation is different than mine but similar. I have to talk with my child about things that are the result of addiction too. I hate it but it is.

I feel horrible for my oldest Daughter. She has had such a rough ride her entire life and this most recent seperation from my ex has hit her the hardest. My Daughter will be 5 next week.

I've been on all sides of it. I was non-custodial with no visitation. Then I was non-custodial with visitation. Eventually I became custodial who supervised visitation. I then reconciled and co-parented. Now we've separated again and I'm custodial supervising visitation again.

My ex is an odd addict, not unique but she is capable of cleaning up when she's about to lose her kids. The majority of time spent away from her children has been in rehabs. Each year of my Daughter's life Mom has gone away for a short period of time, continued with recovery afterwards, then relapsed.

This is the first time for us that no amount of love, family, toys or play-dates could distract her from the question "Where's Mom?" It was difficult for me to explain it because of the fights. Towards the end I began to argue with my ex a lot regarding her drug use. I gave up the fight against alcohol early on but stood firm when it came to the crack. My Daughter had to witness many of these arguments.

My Daughter witnessed me kick her Mother out. Mom came home high on crack, so I immediatly told her to go to the "hospital" which really means get the f*ck out of the house and away from us. She left, hit bottom for a day then ended up in treatment somewhere. I was left with my 4 year old asking why I made Mommy go to the hospital. I said Mommy was sick. The sick excuse lasted until my Daughter started counting days. She's 4 and already counting days!

Detach. Let go.

After a week of counting days I had to break the news that Mom wasn't coming back to our home. I simply explained to her that Mom would be living somewhere else. She hasn't taken it lightly but this is our situation.

I seek guidence from my parents often, they help me manage my children on a daily basis. I would constantly curse, b*tch then complain about my ex to them. One day my Mother stopped me short in all of this and simply said "You're the stable one, so quit your b*tching."

I can only control myself and care for my children the way I see fit. I chose to give them an addict for a Mother and must accept that. The only way i can combat this is by being there for them everyday and telling them the truth, appropriatly with age.

Mom is back and in recovery again. She visits often. If she chooses to lie or leave again that's on her.