Wife might be alcoholic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 4
Wife might be alcoholic
Hi all,
I stumbled upon these forums tonight and it is nice to know that I am not alone. I would love to get some feedback on something that my wife and I have been going through. We have been married 13 years (we have 1 child also) and for the last 10 years, I believe my wife has had a drinking problem. It's not a terrible problem, in that she's not drunk all the time, but her tolerance is such that she can down an entire bottle of wine without any problem. Basically, she drinks a bottle every night and has been doing so for the last several years. She is drunk probably twice a week. I'll also add that she is not abusive or mean or anything when she drinks.
When I confront her about it, she gets furious and tells me that she is a great wife to me and that this is her only vice. And basically, I need to leave her the heck alone and let her do whatever she wants to do. But I have a very hard time watching her put that poison in her body. Despite her drinking, I love her very much and I don't want to lose her in 10 years to cancer or liver disease. She has NO desire to give up drinking, however. In fact, she is proud of her love to drink, and shows it off.
Is she right? Should I be giving her the freedom to make her own choices, whether they be smart or stupid? How do I just sit by and watch her kill herself? I'm just very confused right now and would love to hear from anyone who has ever been in my position.
I stumbled upon these forums tonight and it is nice to know that I am not alone. I would love to get some feedback on something that my wife and I have been going through. We have been married 13 years (we have 1 child also) and for the last 10 years, I believe my wife has had a drinking problem. It's not a terrible problem, in that she's not drunk all the time, but her tolerance is such that she can down an entire bottle of wine without any problem. Basically, she drinks a bottle every night and has been doing so for the last several years. She is drunk probably twice a week. I'll also add that she is not abusive or mean or anything when she drinks.
When I confront her about it, she gets furious and tells me that she is a great wife to me and that this is her only vice. And basically, I need to leave her the heck alone and let her do whatever she wants to do. But I have a very hard time watching her put that poison in her body. Despite her drinking, I love her very much and I don't want to lose her in 10 years to cancer or liver disease. She has NO desire to give up drinking, however. In fact, she is proud of her love to drink, and shows it off.
Is she right? Should I be giving her the freedom to make her own choices, whether they be smart or stupid? How do I just sit by and watch her kill herself? I'm just very confused right now and would love to hear from anyone who has ever been in my position.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 8,335
Welcome Worried Husband,
I too was a wine drinker. I quit drinking in June. My husband did not "nag" me about drinking, but I knew it botheedr him. I remember one morning, feeling hung over, and him telling me about his evening walk the night before....he took alone. It hurt my heart to think I was missing special time with him.
Is there anything special you and your wife did, that you don't do when she's drinking? Just an idea.
I too was a wine drinker. I quit drinking in June. My husband did not "nag" me about drinking, but I knew it botheedr him. I remember one morning, feeling hung over, and him telling me about his evening walk the night before....he took alone. It hurt my heart to think I was missing special time with him.
Is there anything special you and your wife did, that you don't do when she's drinking? Just an idea.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Please continue to share your thoughts and concerns, we understand. You can also vent your frustrations, we understand that too!
When I first arrived here, I learned about the 3 C's of my husbands drinking:
I did not Cause it
I could not Control it
I would not Cure it
It took me some time to accept that concept. I tried everything to get him to see the light and change his ways. I ended up an exhausted, hot mess in the process. Accepting that I was powerless over his drinking was a step towards a more peaceful me.
Alanon meetings helped me learn more about my boundaries, and how to stop trying to control his behavior. Al Anon meetings are support groups for Friends and Family of alcoholics. The meetings are based on the same 12 steps of AA, but the steps are tailored to meet the needs of Friends and Family.
I also found reading and posting here to be very helpful. This place is open 24/7.
At the top of this page are sticky posts. Older permanent posts that are preserved for their wisdom. I find encouragement and strength in reading the experiences of others that are in those posts.
Here is one of my favorites and it contains steps that helped me while living with active alcoholism in my home:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Please continue to share your thoughts and concerns, we understand. You can also vent your frustrations, we understand that too!
When I first arrived here, I learned about the 3 C's of my husbands drinking:
I did not Cause it
I could not Control it
I would not Cure it
It took me some time to accept that concept. I tried everything to get him to see the light and change his ways. I ended up an exhausted, hot mess in the process. Accepting that I was powerless over his drinking was a step towards a more peaceful me.
Alanon meetings helped me learn more about my boundaries, and how to stop trying to control his behavior. Al Anon meetings are support groups for Friends and Family of alcoholics. The meetings are based on the same 12 steps of AA, but the steps are tailored to meet the needs of Friends and Family.
I also found reading and posting here to be very helpful. This place is open 24/7.
At the top of this page are sticky posts. Older permanent posts that are preserved for their wisdom. I find encouragement and strength in reading the experiences of others that are in those posts.
Here is one of my favorites and it contains steps that helped me while living with active alcoholism in my home:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi,
A bottle of wine a day is a lot for anyone, especially a woman. You are correct that it could cause some major health problems down the line, if it hasn't already. Mental health problems could be a factor in the short term. It sounds like you have confronted her with your concerns and she doesn't want to hear it. Really you have done all you can do and I think you need to figure out if this is a situation you can live with. It isn't as much as who is right or wrong, but do you want to be the "wine police" and go through the rest of your life trying to dictate what an alcoholic does?
Just for comparison, I tried to get my xbf to quit drinking a few years ago, he did cut down on the short term, especially as it was a new relationship and he wanted to impress me. As time went on, I saw his behavior included either getting drunk when I wasn't around, or flaunting in front of me, hiding bottles so I wouldn't find them, Drinking any leftover booze we would have in the house for breakfast, going to bars before he came to visit me, etc. He became increasingly erratic and verbally abusive.
After a while it got to be too much for us both. After countless lectures, scolding, pleading and begging he had no intention to quit and I was miserable trying. We broke up and what a waste of time that was.
I would suggest you read up on Al-anon especially the 3 C's:
I didn't Cause it.
I can't Cure it.
I can't Control it.
I wish I had found that years ago. I was convinced I could do something to help him, to get him to see the light or whatever. That never worked. I had no serenity and I was angry all of the time trying to control something that was beyond my control.
A bottle of wine a day is a lot for anyone, especially a woman. You are correct that it could cause some major health problems down the line, if it hasn't already. Mental health problems could be a factor in the short term. It sounds like you have confronted her with your concerns and she doesn't want to hear it. Really you have done all you can do and I think you need to figure out if this is a situation you can live with. It isn't as much as who is right or wrong, but do you want to be the "wine police" and go through the rest of your life trying to dictate what an alcoholic does?
Just for comparison, I tried to get my xbf to quit drinking a few years ago, he did cut down on the short term, especially as it was a new relationship and he wanted to impress me. As time went on, I saw his behavior included either getting drunk when I wasn't around, or flaunting in front of me, hiding bottles so I wouldn't find them, Drinking any leftover booze we would have in the house for breakfast, going to bars before he came to visit me, etc. He became increasingly erratic and verbally abusive.
After a while it got to be too much for us both. After countless lectures, scolding, pleading and begging he had no intention to quit and I was miserable trying. We broke up and what a waste of time that was.
I would suggest you read up on Al-anon especially the 3 C's:
I didn't Cause it.
I can't Cure it.
I can't Control it.
I wish I had found that years ago. I was convinced I could do something to help him, to get him to see the light or whatever. That never worked. I had no serenity and I was angry all of the time trying to control something that was beyond my control.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
My experience with alcoholics is that if a loved one tries to come between the alcoholic and the bottle, the loved one will be in some way threatened or punished. The threat can be very subtle or it can be very blatant. But there is a definite "do not mess with me or you will pay the price" message that comes from an alcoholic who is in total denial of his or her problem and nowhere near ready to give up what is for him or her the most pleasurable, comforting, reliable thing in life.
When we challenge the status quo, the alcoholic resents it bitterly. Most loved ones back off, and many loved ones stay in a marriage which is based on submission to the alcoholic's will and on two false personalities pretending to be a union of love and equality. There is no mutual respect and no mutual equality in the alcoholic marriage. It is impossible due to the self-centeredness and the denial of the alcoholic.
Have you googled Al-Anon to see if there are any meetings in your area?
When we challenge the status quo, the alcoholic resents it bitterly. Most loved ones back off, and many loved ones stay in a marriage which is based on submission to the alcoholic's will and on two false personalities pretending to be a union of love and equality. There is no mutual respect and no mutual equality in the alcoholic marriage. It is impossible due to the self-centeredness and the denial of the alcoholic.
Have you googled Al-Anon to see if there are any meetings in your area?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 40
Welcome.
I feel your pain. I know exactly where you are at the moment, I've been there also.
for me it was when my XAW first told me that she had this problem and she was going to get help. trust me you want to do what ever you can to help them at the start. you will change who you are if it makes them that bit better.
it is a big hurdle for her to get over.... if she wants to.
but in the end it is her choice to drink or to change.
but if she doesn't want to change it will get worse, start to look inside yourself first. she is putting this poison inside her, knowing it is bad for her. what about the poison that is going into the relationship because of it as well.
look after yourself. don't do what you can to be happy within yourself.
I feel your pain. I know exactly where you are at the moment, I've been there also.
for me it was when my XAW first told me that she had this problem and she was going to get help. trust me you want to do what ever you can to help them at the start. you will change who you are if it makes them that bit better.
it is a big hurdle for her to get over.... if she wants to.
but in the end it is her choice to drink or to change.
but if she doesn't want to change it will get worse, start to look inside yourself first. she is putting this poison inside her, knowing it is bad for her. what about the poison that is going into the relationship because of it as well.
look after yourself. don't do what you can to be happy within yourself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
You can't give her the freedom to drink. She HAS it already. You say she is even proud to drink.
What you can do is decide for yourself where your own limits are in the relationship. But she won't believe you if you just say the words. You have to act on them.
At least that is how it is with me and my AH of 17 years, who is also proud, in some respects, of being a drinker. He says, among other ridiculous things, that drinking makes him like Ernest Hemingway. The drink inspires him to work brilliantly.
Great, he's brilliant, and his career proves it. And he's sick, and his alcoholism has made me and our four children sick, too.
Ha! Well, no amount of being nice, pretty, sexy, being a fantastic mother to our four gorgeous and brilliant children did anything to pursuade him to stop. Nor did screaming, crying, suffering, ignoring, or anything other tactic I chose. And acting like I had a choice about his drinking, like disallowing alcohol in the house, didn't help matters. First he turned to drinking in the garage, say, then he took to drinking in the parking lot of the liquor store and driving home under the influence.
As he gets older and I get a clue about alcoholism, his drinking is getting worse. And it has changed him. And me. We are both unwell. It is only in physically living in different parts of the world and taking a lot of time to understand things do I begin to see the effects that his drinking has had on me and our family.
It's so subtle and no one else in my life ever seemed to notice it. But that doesn't mean that the effects of living with an alcoholic aren't profound. Aie, I wish I could unburden myself more quickly of the impact my AH's alcoholism has had on me and my life.
I'm in such a hurry to get myself and my life back!
Learn everything you can about alcoholism and go to Al Anon meetings. And take care of you!
What you can do is decide for yourself where your own limits are in the relationship. But she won't believe you if you just say the words. You have to act on them.
At least that is how it is with me and my AH of 17 years, who is also proud, in some respects, of being a drinker. He says, among other ridiculous things, that drinking makes him like Ernest Hemingway. The drink inspires him to work brilliantly.
Great, he's brilliant, and his career proves it. And he's sick, and his alcoholism has made me and our four children sick, too.
Ha! Well, no amount of being nice, pretty, sexy, being a fantastic mother to our four gorgeous and brilliant children did anything to pursuade him to stop. Nor did screaming, crying, suffering, ignoring, or anything other tactic I chose. And acting like I had a choice about his drinking, like disallowing alcohol in the house, didn't help matters. First he turned to drinking in the garage, say, then he took to drinking in the parking lot of the liquor store and driving home under the influence.
As he gets older and I get a clue about alcoholism, his drinking is getting worse. And it has changed him. And me. We are both unwell. It is only in physically living in different parts of the world and taking a lot of time to understand things do I begin to see the effects that his drinking has had on me and our family.
It's so subtle and no one else in my life ever seemed to notice it. But that doesn't mean that the effects of living with an alcoholic aren't profound. Aie, I wish I could unburden myself more quickly of the impact my AH's alcoholism has had on me and my life.
I'm in such a hurry to get myself and my life back!
Learn everything you can about alcoholism and go to Al Anon meetings. And take care of you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
you cant stop her from using or doing anything. the only person you have control over is yourself. what are your options? accept that your wife is an alcoholic and will always be one, just the difference is one day she might go into recovery, but she will always be alcoholic, or you leave as you are unable to accept this behaviour. they are your only 2 choices. if you stay and try and change her you are in for a very difficult and emotional ride, which will in the end return to those 2 choices. your wife always has 2 choices. to drink or not to drink. at the moment she chooses number 1 door.
my bf asked me if i was an alcoholic. as i like to have a few drinks. i had a very close look at my drinking habits. i dont drink every day. but i will drink 4-5 days a week. mostly i have 1-2 glasses of wine or beers. those beers can be light beers or normal. i can get drunk on occasions. about once a month maybe. i can get to a point where i have had enough to drink. it could be after half a glass it could be after half a bottle. when ive had enough i stop drinking no matter how much is left in the glass or bottle. i looked at my habits, and i didnt think i had a problem. if anyone else would like to differ that would be appreciated. but at the end of the day i doubt an alcoholic will EVER admit they have a problem until they are deep into the addiction, as until then, it just feels like relaxing.
hope that helps. at the end of the day, look after your son and yourself. your son is the one that is most at risk here. there is a 50% risk of him too developing an addiction due to growing up in a house with an addict. there are many other issues that you could find he will grow up with due to his mum being an alcoholic. please do what is right for him if not for yourself. he needs your protection.
my bf asked me if i was an alcoholic. as i like to have a few drinks. i had a very close look at my drinking habits. i dont drink every day. but i will drink 4-5 days a week. mostly i have 1-2 glasses of wine or beers. those beers can be light beers or normal. i can get drunk on occasions. about once a month maybe. i can get to a point where i have had enough to drink. it could be after half a glass it could be after half a bottle. when ive had enough i stop drinking no matter how much is left in the glass or bottle. i looked at my habits, and i didnt think i had a problem. if anyone else would like to differ that would be appreciated. but at the end of the day i doubt an alcoholic will EVER admit they have a problem until they are deep into the addiction, as until then, it just feels like relaxing.
hope that helps. at the end of the day, look after your son and yourself. your son is the one that is most at risk here. there is a 50% risk of him too developing an addiction due to growing up in a house with an addict. there are many other issues that you could find he will grow up with due to his mum being an alcoholic. please do what is right for him if not for yourself. he needs your protection.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 8,335
WH, In rereading my post and thinking about it overnight, I've another thought to share. My husband didn't "nag" at me, BECAUSE he was taking care of himself and living his own life. I flet heartbreak, because I WANTED to stop drinking.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
My Two Cents
Dear WorriedHusband,
I understand where you are coming from, my Wife is an alcoholic. We have a 2.5 year old son together and have been married 8 years. I am an older dad (in my 40's), so I've had life experiences.
Last night my Wife had AT LEAST 8 ozs of bourbon and 6 ozs of Amaretto before passing out in bed. Our son woke up at 1:00 am and she never heard a thing. My wife also gets very bitter when I mention drinking, and so I say nothing anymore. I understand now that I have to be "on" 24/7 and be available at all times for my son - because she starts drinking once he goes to bed, and doesn't stop until she passes out on the couch, or comes to bed and passes out.
My Wife rarely drinks wine anymore because she knows that she should 'only' drink about .5-bottle. So, if she does drink wine, she will stop at a .5, and then have vodka/bourbon/gin afterwards - this is to convince herself that she only drank a .5 bottle of wine.
Luckily your wife is not abusive when she is drinking - mine can get verbally abusive and emotional.
I was told by many on this forum that things will get worse and to work on myself and take care of my son - and that's what I've been doing. And things are going back to where they were when she said she "would stop drinking until the divorce is final". That lasted less than 2 weeks. Since then she is slowly ramping up her drinking again.
My 'name' on this site is "CentralOhioDad", and even though I came here because I was new to alcoholism and its effects, I knew that I was/am/will be first-and-foremost a father, and that's what I need to focus on.
If it is a problem to you, then it's a problem for the family. This disease will suck in everyone connected to it, and we all become sick in some way. Yes, give her the freedom to do what she pleases, because she has the right to destroy her life as she chooses, with her poison of choice. No amount of begging, pleading, nagging, hiding booze, etc., will change what she does. Denial is the strongest thing an alkie possesses, and there is nothing you can do to change that.
Take care of yourself, read the postings around here, and learn to detach and figure out what you want for your life starting today and going forward. Some things that you will read may be harsh, but the feeling of being attacked is sometimes your own denial of the situation.
Sorry this is such a long post. Take what you like, and leave the rest.
Peace and blessings to you.
C-OH Dad
I understand where you are coming from, my Wife is an alcoholic. We have a 2.5 year old son together and have been married 8 years. I am an older dad (in my 40's), so I've had life experiences.
Last night my Wife had AT LEAST 8 ozs of bourbon and 6 ozs of Amaretto before passing out in bed. Our son woke up at 1:00 am and she never heard a thing. My wife also gets very bitter when I mention drinking, and so I say nothing anymore. I understand now that I have to be "on" 24/7 and be available at all times for my son - because she starts drinking once he goes to bed, and doesn't stop until she passes out on the couch, or comes to bed and passes out.
My Wife rarely drinks wine anymore because she knows that she should 'only' drink about .5-bottle. So, if she does drink wine, she will stop at a .5, and then have vodka/bourbon/gin afterwards - this is to convince herself that she only drank a .5 bottle of wine.
Luckily your wife is not abusive when she is drinking - mine can get verbally abusive and emotional.
I was told by many on this forum that things will get worse and to work on myself and take care of my son - and that's what I've been doing. And things are going back to where they were when she said she "would stop drinking until the divorce is final". That lasted less than 2 weeks. Since then she is slowly ramping up her drinking again.
My 'name' on this site is "CentralOhioDad", and even though I came here because I was new to alcoholism and its effects, I knew that I was/am/will be first-and-foremost a father, and that's what I need to focus on.
If it is a problem to you, then it's a problem for the family. This disease will suck in everyone connected to it, and we all become sick in some way. Yes, give her the freedom to do what she pleases, because she has the right to destroy her life as she chooses, with her poison of choice. No amount of begging, pleading, nagging, hiding booze, etc., will change what she does. Denial is the strongest thing an alkie possesses, and there is nothing you can do to change that.
Take care of yourself, read the postings around here, and learn to detach and figure out what you want for your life starting today and going forward. Some things that you will read may be harsh, but the feeling of being attacked is sometimes your own denial of the situation.
Sorry this is such a long post. Take what you like, and leave the rest.
Peace and blessings to you.
C-OH Dad
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 138
A bottle of wine a day is a lot for anyone, especially a woman
I agree. I also wonder about the expense of all this drinking. If someone is drinking a bottle of wine every night, even if it's "cheap wine", that's about $200 a month in wine. How does she justify the cost??? (this always leaves me scratching my head....people who may not have a lot of money who blow hundreds of dollars each month on booze, cigarettes, etc.)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Pacific NW
Posts: 152
Hi WH and welcome,
I like you have a AW that loves her wine. She has also been drinking a bottle of wine a day for the last several years. But I must warn you that it is not going to stop at just a bottle, for it is progressive. In the last months her consumption has increased to almost two bottles and she is starting to experiment with hard alcohol from time to time. A couple of nights ago she woke up with a severe hang over, vowing to never drink again. Last night we went out for dinner and she again didnt want any wine, but said "maybe tomorrow". I have tried over the years to get mad, plead with her, our kids (all older and out of the house now) tried to have an intervention with her, all to no avail. So I am learning that regardless of what she does, I have a life to live. I have gotten involved with activities I enjoy. Dont get me wrong I love her more than life, but like others have said I can control her, didnt cause it and cant cure her. I know...it sucks, but it is what it is.
grizz
I like you have a AW that loves her wine. She has also been drinking a bottle of wine a day for the last several years. But I must warn you that it is not going to stop at just a bottle, for it is progressive. In the last months her consumption has increased to almost two bottles and she is starting to experiment with hard alcohol from time to time. A couple of nights ago she woke up with a severe hang over, vowing to never drink again. Last night we went out for dinner and she again didnt want any wine, but said "maybe tomorrow". I have tried over the years to get mad, plead with her, our kids (all older and out of the house now) tried to have an intervention with her, all to no avail. So I am learning that regardless of what she does, I have a life to live. I have gotten involved with activities I enjoy. Dont get me wrong I love her more than life, but like others have said I can control her, didnt cause it and cant cure her. I know...it sucks, but it is what it is.
grizz
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 26
I am so sorry you are going through this. It is my experience that the more you push, the worse it is...and I know how hard it is to say nothing.
Everybody has a different experience, but there are similarities. If she has no clue she has a problem, then you'll likely be annoying her. If some part of her knows she has a problem, then she may get angry, or defensive or blaming (my experience anyway). It doesn't make sense, but neither does this disease.
My husband has now quit drinking for three years and we are just now able to talk a bit about how all of this has affected me and our two kids. It took that long for him to sort himself out. That is the thing I have found so hard- they are selfish when drinking and selfish when trying to quit. It sounds like your wife is quite functioning, and it is my understanding that this type of alcoholic often goes unnoticed. Society is filled with messages of not only making drinking OK, but desired. It is sickening really.
I am new to this site, I wish I'd had the courage to make it on here when my husband was drinking. I hope that you, worriedhusband, will continue to seek support. And yes, do what you need to do for you and your son, your wife will, unfortunately, need to find her own way (and yes, I know how totally impossible that seems- I did not follow my own advice and wish that maybe I had). Keep in touch. Clink.
Everybody has a different experience, but there are similarities. If she has no clue she has a problem, then you'll likely be annoying her. If some part of her knows she has a problem, then she may get angry, or defensive or blaming (my experience anyway). It doesn't make sense, but neither does this disease.
My husband has now quit drinking for three years and we are just now able to talk a bit about how all of this has affected me and our two kids. It took that long for him to sort himself out. That is the thing I have found so hard- they are selfish when drinking and selfish when trying to quit. It sounds like your wife is quite functioning, and it is my understanding that this type of alcoholic often goes unnoticed. Society is filled with messages of not only making drinking OK, but desired. It is sickening really.
I am new to this site, I wish I'd had the courage to make it on here when my husband was drinking. I hope that you, worriedhusband, will continue to seek support. And yes, do what you need to do for you and your son, your wife will, unfortunately, need to find her own way (and yes, I know how totally impossible that seems- I did not follow my own advice and wish that maybe I had). Keep in touch. Clink.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by BrokenHeartWife 
I agree. I also wonder about the expense of all this drinking. If someone is drinking a bottle of wine every night, even if it's "cheap wine", that's about $200 a month in wine. How does she justify the cost??? (this always leaves me scratching my head....people who may not have a lot of money who blow hundreds of dollars each month on booze, cigarettes, etc.)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 4
Wow, thank you so much everybody for the outpouring of empathy and feedback. You have no idea how much you've already helped me. I have been feeling so frustrated lately and angry too. I don't get how someone could be so selfish and not consider her family (especially her son). Like many of you said, I am going to concentrate on taking care of myself and my son. I think I will also look up an Al-anon meeting in my area (I'm imagining the cast of Go On :-) ). Thanks again!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad
Dear WorriedHusband,
I understand where you are coming from, my Wife is an alcoholic. We have a 2.5 year old son together and have been married 8 years. I am an older dad (in my 40's), so I've had life experiences.
Last night my Wife had AT LEAST 8 ozs of bourbon and 6 ozs of Amaretto before passing out in bed. Our son woke up at 1:00 am and she never heard a thing. My wife also gets very bitter when I mention drinking, and so I say nothing anymore. I understand now that I have to be "on" 24/7 and be available at all times for my son - because she starts drinking once he goes to bed, and doesn't stop until she passes out on the couch, or comes to bed and passes out.
My Wife rarely drinks wine anymore because she knows that she should 'only' drink about .5-bottle. So, if she does drink wine, she will stop at a .5, and then have vodka/bourbon/gin afterwards - this is to convince herself that she only drank a .5 bottle of wine.
Luckily your wife is not abusive when she is drinking - mine can get verbally abusive and emotional.
I was told by many on this forum that things will get worse and to work on myself and take care of my son - and that's what I've been doing. And things are going back to where they were when she said she "would stop drinking until the divorce is final". That lasted less than 2 weeks. Since then she is slowly ramping up her drinking again.
My 'name' on this site is "CentralOhioDad", and even though I came here because I was new to alcoholism and its effects, I knew that I was/am/will be first-and-foremost a father, and that's what I need to focus on.
If it is a problem to you, then it's a problem for the family. This disease will suck in everyone connected to it, and we all become sick in some way. Yes, give her the freedom to do what she pleases, because she has the right to destroy her life as she chooses, with her poison of choice. No amount of begging, pleading, nagging, hiding booze, etc., will change what she does. Denial is the strongest thing an alkie possesses, and there is nothing you can do to change that.
Take care of yourself, read the postings around here, and learn to detach and figure out what you want for your life starting today and going forward. Some things that you will read may be harsh, but the feeling of being attacked is sometimes your own denial of the situation.
Sorry this is such a long post. Take what you like, and leave the rest.
Peace and blessings to you.
C-OH Dad
I understand where you are coming from, my Wife is an alcoholic. We have a 2.5 year old son together and have been married 8 years. I am an older dad (in my 40's), so I've had life experiences.
Last night my Wife had AT LEAST 8 ozs of bourbon and 6 ozs of Amaretto before passing out in bed. Our son woke up at 1:00 am and she never heard a thing. My wife also gets very bitter when I mention drinking, and so I say nothing anymore. I understand now that I have to be "on" 24/7 and be available at all times for my son - because she starts drinking once he goes to bed, and doesn't stop until she passes out on the couch, or comes to bed and passes out.
My Wife rarely drinks wine anymore because she knows that she should 'only' drink about .5-bottle. So, if she does drink wine, she will stop at a .5, and then have vodka/bourbon/gin afterwards - this is to convince herself that she only drank a .5 bottle of wine.
Luckily your wife is not abusive when she is drinking - mine can get verbally abusive and emotional.
I was told by many on this forum that things will get worse and to work on myself and take care of my son - and that's what I've been doing. And things are going back to where they were when she said she "would stop drinking until the divorce is final". That lasted less than 2 weeks. Since then she is slowly ramping up her drinking again.
My 'name' on this site is "CentralOhioDad", and even though I came here because I was new to alcoholism and its effects, I knew that I was/am/will be first-and-foremost a father, and that's what I need to focus on.
If it is a problem to you, then it's a problem for the family. This disease will suck in everyone connected to it, and we all become sick in some way. Yes, give her the freedom to do what she pleases, because she has the right to destroy her life as she chooses, with her poison of choice. No amount of begging, pleading, nagging, hiding booze, etc., will change what she does. Denial is the strongest thing an alkie possesses, and there is nothing you can do to change that.
Take care of yourself, read the postings around here, and learn to detach and figure out what you want for your life starting today and going forward. Some things that you will read may be harsh, but the feeling of being attacked is sometimes your own denial of the situation.
Sorry this is such a long post. Take what you like, and leave the rest.
Peace and blessings to you.
C-OH Dad
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by grizz
Dont get me wrong I love her more than life, but like others have said I can control her, didnt cause it and cant cure her. I know...it sucks, but it is what it is.grizz
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Pacific NW
Posts: 152
The best way that I detach is by not letting her actions cause my reaction. I used to be hypersensitive to her drinking, seeing how much she drank, listening for that glug glug of the bottle being poured. I was getting to the point of being able to gauge how much she was pouring. I noted in my first note that she had a really bad hang over and didnt drink for a couple of days, which is unusual for her, for she is a bottle a day every day gal. She said that first night that she didnt want to drink again. Well that lasted two days. Last night she was back to her ritual. In the past I would have said something. This time I acted as if nothing was out of the ordinary. She "falls asleep" around 8:00-8:30 and I used to wake her up when I went to bed to make sure that she made it too. Now I let her wake up on her own or she spends the night in the living room. I have also found things that I like to do and have become involved with a couple of groups. I am in a little different time of life in that my kids are grown up and out of the house. All the kids have told me to remember I am not the crazy one. Just remember you are not alone on this web site. There are a lot of people here with a tremendous amount of insight. When I first came here I was a basket case
Grizz
Grizz
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by WorriedHusband
Thank you C-OH Dad. So it sounds like you have made the decision to accept her drinking as opposed to leaving her. So how do you deal with the daily drinking? One of our daily routines after my son is in bed, is to watch TV for an hour before bedtime. By this time, she is usually on her 3rd or 4th glass of wine. I guess I'm trying to figure out how I can detach myself enough to sit next to her and not feel frustrated.
Do I plan on leaving her? Absolutely, but not until I gather enough information and evidence to make sure I can get primary custody of our son to make sure he lives in a healthy environment. Every day is one step closer to the end result I feel. I ask God (my HP) for daily guidance and patience.
My wife usually is into her first strong drink by the time I come down from putting him to bed. We too usually watch a show before I go to bed. (She stays up and drinks until all hours, but I can't stay up much past 9:30 - 10:00 anymore. I've pretty much detached to the point of I don't give one hoot about her at this point. It took awhile, but detaching is a sanity-saving mechanism that I need to practice everyday. I deal with the daily drinking by this detachment, and realizing the "3 C's", and handing over my frustrations to my HP to handle. It's too much for me.
Some people say "detach with love". Well, I went all the way and just detached, there is no love anymore.
Good Luck to you. Hope some of this helps. For me the hard part is wanting to 'fix' it and drive yourself nuts trying to reason it all away and make sense of it - that will never happen.
C-OH Dad
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