This "codie recovery" is no joke.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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This "codie recovery" is no joke.
So here it has been about 2 months of no contact. Who would have ever thought that the desire to call/message my ex would be so obsolete from my mind. I am not sure why it is this way. Maybe the pain has just been too much and I do not want to go near the fire and the fact that he is in active addiction makes the pain that much more real. This is the first time ever that both his family and I have stepped away and am allowing him to live his life as he chooses.
I have had more ups and downs in the past months and the EXABF really is no longer to be blamed, I am sitting with myself and my choices and am trying to sit with the pain until it finally subsides. I will say that I am much happier despite my occasional tears. I do not feel like I am lingering in the dark shadows anymore. I feel like I notice when I smile and it is actually a smile filled with peace. I have been doing as much as I can to continue this road to codie recovery but I do have a question that I was hoping someone could answer.
Has anyone ever had enough and wanted a better life but at the same time felt nothing but sadness for the addict. This feeling is what pulls me down and ten steps back. I shouldn't feel bad for him, right? I tell myself that...
HE IS AN ADDICT- he can find recovery
HE HAS SEVERE DEPRESSION AND LOW SELF ESTEEM- there are meds out there to help balance out the chemicals in the brain.
HE IS SO HURT AND AVOIDING THE PAIN- he caused the pain.
WHY MUST I FEEL BAD FOR SOMEONE WHO BROKE MY HEART INTO PIECES!??!!? WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSLEF!?!
I really feel like I am losing it sometimes because I will have a debate in my own mind!!!
For anyone who is trying to recover from co-dependence, I applaud you!
- RSK
I have had more ups and downs in the past months and the EXABF really is no longer to be blamed, I am sitting with myself and my choices and am trying to sit with the pain until it finally subsides. I will say that I am much happier despite my occasional tears. I do not feel like I am lingering in the dark shadows anymore. I feel like I notice when I smile and it is actually a smile filled with peace. I have been doing as much as I can to continue this road to codie recovery but I do have a question that I was hoping someone could answer.
Has anyone ever had enough and wanted a better life but at the same time felt nothing but sadness for the addict. This feeling is what pulls me down and ten steps back. I shouldn't feel bad for him, right? I tell myself that...
HE IS AN ADDICT- he can find recovery
HE HAS SEVERE DEPRESSION AND LOW SELF ESTEEM- there are meds out there to help balance out the chemicals in the brain.
HE IS SO HURT AND AVOIDING THE PAIN- he caused the pain.
WHY MUST I FEEL BAD FOR SOMEONE WHO BROKE MY HEART INTO PIECES!??!!? WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSLEF!?!
I really feel like I am losing it sometimes because I will have a debate in my own mind!!!
For anyone who is trying to recover from co-dependence, I applaud you!
- RSK
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I'm both an RA and a recovering codie. TBH, it's been harder working the codie recovery.
My 3rd XABF died from the addiction we shared. Not really sure I can put into words what I felt - I was sad, but it was because he never found out how great recovery could be. I did know, though, that I'd done what was best for me and that he had resources and knowledge (had been through numerous treatments) - there wasn't anything I could have done.
Someone here taught me that it's a good thing to give someone the dignity of living their life as they choose. Doesn't mean I LIKE it, but it's true - who am I to tell anyone what is better for them? Of course, sometimes I DO think I know best, I just don't say it
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
My 3rd XABF died from the addiction we shared. Not really sure I can put into words what I felt - I was sad, but it was because he never found out how great recovery could be. I did know, though, that I'd done what was best for me and that he had resources and knowledge (had been through numerous treatments) - there wasn't anything I could have done.
Someone here taught me that it's a good thing to give someone the dignity of living their life as they choose. Doesn't mean I LIKE it, but it's true - who am I to tell anyone what is better for them? Of course, sometimes I DO think I know best, I just don't say it
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by cynical one 
Instead of fretting about the 10 steps back, keep working the 12 steps forward. <oh snap!>
Be happy for him, he's finally being allowed to play this out as he wants instead of trying to be someone others want him to be.
Be happy for him, he's finally being allowed to play this out as he wants instead of trying to be someone others want him to be.
I can see the positive in that he may hit his bottom sooner and then maybe or maybe not one day choose recovery but while he stays afloat off of that "bottom", he will not have the opportunity to make that choice, I get that.
I think why I am asking is because how should I exactly be happy for someone "finally being allowed to play this out as he wants instead of trying to be someone others want him to be " when his actions may very well kill him and how do I accept that being in active addiction ok because that is what he wishes to do?
Even though he wishes for that, it is still so sad.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 93
Someone here taught me that it's a good thing to give someone the dignity of living their life as they choose. Doesn't mean I LIKE it, but it's true - who am I to tell anyone what is better for them? Of course, sometimes I DO think I know best, I just don't say it
Amy,
You are right and I too need to accept this.
Amy,
You are right and I too need to accept this.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by cynical one
My qualifier called is dad Gepetto like the puppetmaster who controlled Pinocchio’s strings. Of course his dad wanted only the best for him, and like many parents swapped back and forth between the cutoff and enabling. And, I’m sure all the wives and girlfriends before and after me also wanted the best for him and tried to control him.
Of course I was unique and was only “helping” him, so I wasn’t trying to control him. Pfftt. I saw him try to be who his dad wanted him to be, and he was miserable. He also tried to be who I wanted him to be and he was more miserable. His parents detached, let go, and turned him over. Once I did the same, he was for the first time in his life allowed to be exactly who he was without any expectations. He no longer had to look into the eyes of people who cared about him to see the love/anger/disappointment/resentment/hurt/sadness that no matter how hard we try not to show it…it shows. And, he was free, he was happier than I had ever known him to be…no pressure, no pretenses, no trying to be who others wanted him to be. No of course it wasn’t what I wanted for him…it was humbling…and, yeah, it was bittersweet…but I was happy for him. From what I know, he's still out there ripping and roaring and living his life as he chooses. And, so am I.
Of course I was unique and was only “helping” him, so I wasn’t trying to control him. Pfftt. I saw him try to be who his dad wanted him to be, and he was miserable. He also tried to be who I wanted him to be and he was more miserable. His parents detached, let go, and turned him over. Once I did the same, he was for the first time in his life allowed to be exactly who he was without any expectations. He no longer had to look into the eyes of people who cared about him to see the love/anger/disappointment/resentment/hurt/sadness that no matter how hard we try not to show it…it shows. And, he was free, he was happier than I had ever known him to be…no pressure, no pretenses, no trying to be who others wanted him to be. No of course it wasn’t what I wanted for him…it was humbling…and, yeah, it was bittersweet…but I was happy for him. From what I know, he's still out there ripping and roaring and living his life as he chooses. And, so am I.
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Originally Posted by rsk
I will say that I am much happier despite my occasional tears. I do not feel like I am lingering in the dark shadows anymore. I feel like I notice when I smile and it is actually a smile filled with peace.- RSK
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by cynical one
No clue...but I'm sure I could put my codie detective skills to good use if you want a backup addict in case the current one doesn't work out for you.
No thank you, I just want the one I have. (Faith + Hope + Love)
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