Painting a target on myself cause I have a Positive Update
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Painting a target on myself cause I have a Positive Update
I stopped by over the weekend to wish everyone Happy Holidays and to give an update on "the kid", the young man staying with us since summer. I didn't post because as I was reading everything seemed so negative, and the few people sharing good news, hope-ful-ness were getting ignored or bashed by other members, and I didn't want to put a target on my back.
My husband used to use drugs, drank too much. If I has posted here back then I'm sure I would have been told he was a hopeless addict and to run away. It's been years and he is fine. He stopped on his own, hasn't looked back. I always knew he could stop, wasn't surprising to me when he did.
I am wondering is it possible to have hope for yourself to recover from codependency, if you don't have hope your loved ones can recover from addiction? Sometimes codependency is more serious a problem. Why should your loved ones ever believe you will get well and change?
How come when they relapse it's said they were not serious about it, or not really trying. But when someone here relapses into codependency they are told it's ok, your trying!
Addict in recovery is supposed to have a new attitude, be patient, not get angry, have remorse But aren't those same things expected from a codependent in recovery? Where is it?
I see such contradiction. Can someone explain?
And if you do have hope, then why be afraid to acknowledge it for yourself, and others?
I understand people have been hurt, some are afraid to have hope, afraid for others to have hope, and some have no hope left at all for themselves or anyone.
But I think it's unhealthy to suppress hope in your life, or deny it even exists. Thats not really recovery is it? And it seems even worse to try to create a sense of hopelessness in the lives of others. My two cents.
Here i go painting that target on myself. "the kid" is still doing well. He is doing good in college, no signs of drug use, excessive drinking, or any drinking for that matter. He is still working part time, has a sweet girlfriend he met at our church. He continues working with a doctor on his personal issues. He and his mom are at peace now although she still has not fully dealt with the loss of her husband and has some mild depression, she is working with her doctor on this.
If my husband and I hadn't had hope for "the kid" we wouldn't have let him move in with us. We shared our hope with him, told him often we believed he could get past drug use, and all the crappy feelings he was going through. We let him figure out the how. Had it not worked out, we would have felt sadness but that is part of life. Accepting things. I'm glad we had hope for "the kid" and looking back I'm glad I never doubted the "hope" I had for my husband. Having "hope" never stopped me from taking care of myself, or enjoying life. I think having hope is a good thing.
My husband used to use drugs, drank too much. If I has posted here back then I'm sure I would have been told he was a hopeless addict and to run away. It's been years and he is fine. He stopped on his own, hasn't looked back. I always knew he could stop, wasn't surprising to me when he did.
I am wondering is it possible to have hope for yourself to recover from codependency, if you don't have hope your loved ones can recover from addiction? Sometimes codependency is more serious a problem. Why should your loved ones ever believe you will get well and change?
How come when they relapse it's said they were not serious about it, or not really trying. But when someone here relapses into codependency they are told it's ok, your trying!
Addict in recovery is supposed to have a new attitude, be patient, not get angry, have remorse But aren't those same things expected from a codependent in recovery? Where is it?
I see such contradiction. Can someone explain?
And if you do have hope, then why be afraid to acknowledge it for yourself, and others?
I understand people have been hurt, some are afraid to have hope, afraid for others to have hope, and some have no hope left at all for themselves or anyone.
But I think it's unhealthy to suppress hope in your life, or deny it even exists. Thats not really recovery is it? And it seems even worse to try to create a sense of hopelessness in the lives of others. My two cents.
Here i go painting that target on myself. "the kid" is still doing well. He is doing good in college, no signs of drug use, excessive drinking, or any drinking for that matter. He is still working part time, has a sweet girlfriend he met at our church. He continues working with a doctor on his personal issues. He and his mom are at peace now although she still has not fully dealt with the loss of her husband and has some mild depression, she is working with her doctor on this.
If my husband and I hadn't had hope for "the kid" we wouldn't have let him move in with us. We shared our hope with him, told him often we believed he could get past drug use, and all the crappy feelings he was going through. We let him figure out the how. Had it not worked out, we would have felt sadness but that is part of life. Accepting things. I'm glad we had hope for "the kid" and looking back I'm glad I never doubted the "hope" I had for my husband. Having "hope" never stopped me from taking care of myself, or enjoying life. I think having hope is a good thing.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Deuce: Good news on the updates, especially for the young man living with you.
I have to agree with Kmangel. Your young man was ready to change. Also, perhaps he was into problem drug use but not full-blown addiction. What you have done (opening your home for him) is very generous. Please know that just about everybody here has done that for our loved ones. But it just did not work like we hoped it would (or like it has worked in your situation). This is a heartbreaking thing that we have had to watch. I know, in my case, I certainly do not want other people judging me because my attempts in that arena were not successful.
Again, Deuce, I am glad that the world has a young person in it who is an asset; and I am glad that you do not have to go down the road most of here have had to go down. But please know that this is a success story not just because of the efforts of you and your husband but because this young man was ready to accept your help.
sojourner
I have to agree with Kmangel. Your young man was ready to change. Also, perhaps he was into problem drug use but not full-blown addiction. What you have done (opening your home for him) is very generous. Please know that just about everybody here has done that for our loved ones. But it just did not work like we hoped it would (or like it has worked in your situation). This is a heartbreaking thing that we have had to watch. I know, in my case, I certainly do not want other people judging me because my attempts in that arena were not successful.
Again, Deuce, I am glad that the world has a young person in it who is an asset; and I am glad that you do not have to go down the road most of here have had to go down. But please know that this is a success story not just because of the efforts of you and your husband but because this young man was ready to accept your help.
sojourner
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Glad to hear that your story ended well and that you didn't have to go through the pain and trauma that so many other posters are living on a daily basis. There but for the grace of God I always say...
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Originally Posted by Deuce 
I stopped by over the weekend to wish everyone Happy Holidays and to give an update on "the kid", the young man staying with us since summer. I didn't post because as I was reading everything seemed so negative, and the few people sharing good news, hope-ful-ness were getting ignored or bashed by other members, and I didn't want to put a target on my back.
My husband used to use drugs, drank too much. If I has posted here back then I'm sure I would have been told he was a hopeless addict and to run away. It's been years and he is fine. He stopped on his own, hasn't looked back. I always knew he could stop, wasn't surprising to me when he did.
I can only speak for myself from the codependent side as I have never been an addict the few things I am gonna assume I am sure any double winners can correct me on if I am wrong.
I am wondering is it possible to have hope for yourself to recover from codependency, if you don't have hope your loved ones can recover from addiction?
I have hope for my recovery of course but at the same time I know I will be working on me for the rest of my life the work will change but ... I never have said I have NO hope for my addicts I have HOPE for both of my sons and my husband I have posted here various times that my belief is that as long as a person is breathing there is hope.
Sometimes codependency is more serious a problem. Why should your loved ones ever believe you will get well and change?
Actions speak louder than words in my case I am showing I am working on changing my addicts are not showing me anything but addiction.
How come when they relapse it's said they were not serious about it, or not really trying. But when someone here relapses into codependency they are told it's ok, your trying!
My opinion, on this one is when you read what we say to each other here you are reading people in codependency talking to each other now here goes my assumption I assume when the addicts slip up if they are on this board they get told similar things on the substance abuse side and/or in meetings if they attend any
Addict in recovery is supposed to have a new attitude, be patient, not get angry, have remorse But aren't those same things expected from a codependent in recovery? Where is it?
lol I think this one is cute everyone gets angry at times it is a true feeling addict or not codependent or not
I see such contradiction. Can someone explain?
your a smart lady or seem to be I don't think you really need an explanation you know the difference in the two sides IF you have read on both forums.
And if you do have hope, then why be afraid to acknowledge it for yourself, and others?
I have never not acknowledged that I have hope as said above I have hope as long as they are breathing.
I understand people have been hurt, some are afraid to have hope, afraid for others to have hope, and some have no hope left at all for themselves or anyone.
But I think it's unhealthy to suppress hope in your life, or deny it even exists. That's not really recovery is it? And it seems even worse to try to create a sense of hopelessness in the lives of others. My two cents.
sharing our ESH by the way the H stands for HOPE is not trying to create a sense of hopelessness in others
Here i go painting that target on myself. "the kid" is still doing well. He is doing good in college, no signs of drug use, excessive drinking, or any drinking for that matter. He is still working part time, has a sweet girlfriend he met at our church. He continues working with a doctor on his personal issues. He and his mom are at peace now although she still has not fully dealt with the loss of her husband and has some mild depression, she is working with her doctor on this.
I am glad the young man you and your husband took in is still doing well .
If my husband and I hadn't had hope for "the kid" we wouldn't have let him move in with us. We shared our hope with him, told him often we believed he could get past drug use, and all the crappy feelings he was going through. We let him figure out the how. Had it not worked out, we would have felt sadness but that is part of life. Accepting things. I'm glad we had hope for "the kid" and looking back I'm glad I never doubted the "hope" I had for my husband. Having "hope" never stopped me from taking care of myself, or enjoying life. I think having hope is a good thing.
My husband used to use drugs, drank too much. If I has posted here back then I'm sure I would have been told he was a hopeless addict and to run away. It's been years and he is fine. He stopped on his own, hasn't looked back. I always knew he could stop, wasn't surprising to me when he did.
I can only speak for myself from the codependent side as I have never been an addict the few things I am gonna assume I am sure any double winners can correct me on if I am wrong.
I am wondering is it possible to have hope for yourself to recover from codependency, if you don't have hope your loved ones can recover from addiction?
I have hope for my recovery of course but at the same time I know I will be working on me for the rest of my life the work will change but ... I never have said I have NO hope for my addicts I have HOPE for both of my sons and my husband I have posted here various times that my belief is that as long as a person is breathing there is hope.
Sometimes codependency is more serious a problem. Why should your loved ones ever believe you will get well and change?
Actions speak louder than words in my case I am showing I am working on changing my addicts are not showing me anything but addiction.
How come when they relapse it's said they were not serious about it, or not really trying. But when someone here relapses into codependency they are told it's ok, your trying!
My opinion, on this one is when you read what we say to each other here you are reading people in codependency talking to each other now here goes my assumption I assume when the addicts slip up if they are on this board they get told similar things on the substance abuse side and/or in meetings if they attend any
Addict in recovery is supposed to have a new attitude, be patient, not get angry, have remorse But aren't those same things expected from a codependent in recovery? Where is it?
lol I think this one is cute everyone gets angry at times it is a true feeling addict or not codependent or not
I see such contradiction. Can someone explain?
your a smart lady or seem to be I don't think you really need an explanation you know the difference in the two sides IF you have read on both forums.
And if you do have hope, then why be afraid to acknowledge it for yourself, and others?
I have never not acknowledged that I have hope as said above I have hope as long as they are breathing.
I understand people have been hurt, some are afraid to have hope, afraid for others to have hope, and some have no hope left at all for themselves or anyone.
But I think it's unhealthy to suppress hope in your life, or deny it even exists. That's not really recovery is it? And it seems even worse to try to create a sense of hopelessness in the lives of others. My two cents.
sharing our ESH by the way the H stands for HOPE is not trying to create a sense of hopelessness in others
Here i go painting that target on myself. "the kid" is still doing well. He is doing good in college, no signs of drug use, excessive drinking, or any drinking for that matter. He is still working part time, has a sweet girlfriend he met at our church. He continues working with a doctor on his personal issues. He and his mom are at peace now although she still has not fully dealt with the loss of her husband and has some mild depression, she is working with her doctor on this.
I am glad the young man you and your husband took in is still doing well .
If my husband and I hadn't had hope for "the kid" we wouldn't have let him move in with us. We shared our hope with him, told him often we believed he could get past drug use, and all the crappy feelings he was going through. We let him figure out the how. Had it not worked out, we would have felt sadness but that is part of life. Accepting things. I'm glad we had hope for "the kid" and looking back I'm glad I never doubted the "hope" I had for my husband. Having "hope" never stopped me from taking care of myself, or enjoying life. I think having hope is a good thing.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 115
That's great Deuce! But my difficulty at the moment. My ABF is showing no serious signs of being really ready to fight his battle yet. Oh dont get me wrong, he quacks on about it a lot but his actions are not proving anything. My hope has been battered and I'm scared to hope now for fear that it will be thwarted again. I'm scared to trust that last little thread of hope I have and wish I could just cut it free incase it pulls me back down again. 
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I can't remember anyone ever saying you shouldn't have hope or that hope is a bad thing. But hope is not a life strategy. My present day happiness and my child's future are not dependent on my hope for my ex's recovery. The two things are mutual exclusive.
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I'm always happy to hear a success story and really glad that you posted.
I'm sorry that you felt that you would be a target for that though. The experience, strength, and HOPE is why I keep coming back here and I feel sad when people say that they hestiate to post - especially good news. My emotional sobriety (recovering codie) is really important to me and it's through so many people here that I have learned to keep the focus on me. If I am not emotionally healthy then I don't have a chance at having a healthy relationship. I learned that I have to do whatever it takes to get there. For me, I had to set boundaries with my ex husband. I still hold out hope that he will grow and change.
There is no one right answer and each situation is unique. I know that we each have our path and figure out whether we should offer any number of opportunities to the people that we love that suffer from addiction.
I'm sorry that you felt that you would be a target for that though. The experience, strength, and HOPE is why I keep coming back here and I feel sad when people say that they hestiate to post - especially good news. My emotional sobriety (recovering codie) is really important to me and it's through so many people here that I have learned to keep the focus on me. If I am not emotionally healthy then I don't have a chance at having a healthy relationship. I learned that I have to do whatever it takes to get there. For me, I had to set boundaries with my ex husband. I still hold out hope that he will grow and change.
There is no one right answer and each situation is unique. I know that we each have our path and figure out whether we should offer any number of opportunities to the people that we love that suffer from addiction.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 120
Deuce, thank you for over coming your fear of being a "target" and thank you for your honesty and most importantly sharing your experience, strength and hope! I don't know your experience of husbands addiction struggles and what that entailed and how many years it took place. For me and from the many posts I have read, each person seemed to make a choice of living with an active addict or not living with active addiction for their mental health, safety and their childrens! For me and many I have read here living with their loved ones active addiction was not safe for them or their children.
For me my ex was picking up prostitutes and became aggresive, this was after I stayed and stood by his side for several years. It got worse, his addiction. And the hardest thing I ever did was leave the love of my life and take our kids to a safer healither enviornment. Several years later aafter he lost everything he thanked me for leaving cause he would not of went through what he did if I stayed. He still uses and that's his choice. I have hope for him and anyone that is addicted as im sure most of us do. You see many of us have had to leave because it was that bad. Its hard to explain being a true codependent and how lost and sick you become trying to help someone that does not want help. Which is what it comes down to. Until someone is ready no one is going to hope them love them to choose recovery. God I wish that were true. My sons would of yad a father and I the love of my life... I still love him and hope he chooses recovery one day.
If we are all lacking hope I pray God give us more. If we lack love I pray we learn to love. I also pray you can see and understand that it really is not about hope and love its about safety, mental, spiritual and emotional and sometimes physical. For us and our kids. We are expressing jope and love for ourselfs and our children to provide a healthy enviornment a loving and stable enviornment 5hat is nurturing. Active addiction does not give anyone those things. And when children are involved they should have a voice and hope that they can grow up safe and in a loving safe and stable home.
I don't know if you had small children when your husband was using? Not sure how deeply he sunk into his addiction? I am happy for you and your "kid" that he choose a path of healthy living. You provided a loving stable drug free home where he could thrive. Just like many of us have had to do for our kids. I know I did and my son are in the top 8% of his class and going to a 8 year dental program which he has been given a scholarship for. I raised my sons alone these past 7 years and it was very hard at times, financially mostly. But our home was drug free and stable and loving. I always told them their dad was a good man and to pray for him. They knew he had a drug problem and I took them to al ateen to help them understand. I still pray for my ex but he has continued to choose crack over his own kids. I have reaced out to him over the years and said he is a good man a good father etc.... he continues to choose crack and ignores his kids family etc....
This is why man6 of us leave not because of hope or love we just have to do what is best for 7s and our kids. Maybe some have lost hope and love but for me I have not.... just can't liv with active addiction.
For me my ex was picking up prostitutes and became aggresive, this was after I stayed and stood by his side for several years. It got worse, his addiction. And the hardest thing I ever did was leave the love of my life and take our kids to a safer healither enviornment. Several years later aafter he lost everything he thanked me for leaving cause he would not of went through what he did if I stayed. He still uses and that's his choice. I have hope for him and anyone that is addicted as im sure most of us do. You see many of us have had to leave because it was that bad. Its hard to explain being a true codependent and how lost and sick you become trying to help someone that does not want help. Which is what it comes down to. Until someone is ready no one is going to hope them love them to choose recovery. God I wish that were true. My sons would of yad a father and I the love of my life... I still love him and hope he chooses recovery one day.
If we are all lacking hope I pray God give us more. If we lack love I pray we learn to love. I also pray you can see and understand that it really is not about hope and love its about safety, mental, spiritual and emotional and sometimes physical. For us and our kids. We are expressing jope and love for ourselfs and our children to provide a healthy enviornment a loving and stable enviornment 5hat is nurturing. Active addiction does not give anyone those things. And when children are involved they should have a voice and hope that they can grow up safe and in a loving safe and stable home.
I don't know if you had small children when your husband was using? Not sure how deeply he sunk into his addiction? I am happy for you and your "kid" that he choose a path of healthy living. You provided a loving stable drug free home where he could thrive. Just like many of us have had to do for our kids. I know I did and my son are in the top 8% of his class and going to a 8 year dental program which he has been given a scholarship for. I raised my sons alone these past 7 years and it was very hard at times, financially mostly. But our home was drug free and stable and loving. I always told them their dad was a good man and to pray for him. They knew he had a drug problem and I took them to al ateen to help them understand. I still pray for my ex but he has continued to choose crack over his own kids. I have reaced out to him over the years and said he is a good man a good father etc.... he continues to choose crack and ignores his kids family etc....
This is why man6 of us leave not because of hope or love we just have to do what is best for 7s and our kids. Maybe some have lost hope and love but for me I have not.... just can't liv with active addiction.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
When I was a teenager, I did my share of drugs. I smoked pot, drank, did cocaine...to name a few. It almost seemed like a "right of passage" at that time. "Everyone was doing it."
When I went to college, I made new friends and found new "interests." None of these included illegal drugs. I still drank but not an excess. Did I get lucky? I would have to say yes. I was playing with fire and had no idea what could have been the consequences to my choices.
I never became addicted to anything except cigarettes, which has been a life long struggle.
I am glad this young man's story has similarities to my own experience. Sounds like maybe he was "experimenting" like so many of us did when we were young. I know many people who never became addicted. Sadly, I know many who have.
Knowing what I have learned now, I would be very concerned about anyone "experimenting" with any kind of drug use. A few years ago, I would have not have condoned experimenting, but would have taken it in stride. Today, based on my experiences with addiction, I would find any of it unacceptable behavior that I did not want in my life.
P.S. I will never give up hope for any addict. Many do find recovery. I will never give up hope for any codependents, many do find recovery.
When I went to college, I made new friends and found new "interests." None of these included illegal drugs. I still drank but not an excess. Did I get lucky? I would have to say yes. I was playing with fire and had no idea what could have been the consequences to my choices.
I never became addicted to anything except cigarettes, which has been a life long struggle.
I am glad this young man's story has similarities to my own experience. Sounds like maybe he was "experimenting" like so many of us did when we were young. I know many people who never became addicted. Sadly, I know many who have.
Knowing what I have learned now, I would be very concerned about anyone "experimenting" with any kind of drug use. A few years ago, I would have not have condoned experimenting, but would have taken it in stride. Today, based on my experiences with addiction, I would find any of it unacceptable behavior that I did not want in my life.
P.S. I will never give up hope for any addict. Many do find recovery. I will never give up hope for any codependents, many do find recovery.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Thank you for sharing the positive news about your “kid”. Im always happy to hear when someone is in recovery, and making a better life for themselves. This is what it sounds like he is doing with college, ending his drug use, working part time. He is very lucky to have found a source of support and encouragement through your family. Continued luck to him.
And also, I think you may be referring to a post I made on Thanksgiving that got some negative feedback and had to be locked. I was sharing how much progress I have made, and my husband has made since this time last year. He has been clean for 8 months and has been working hard on improving himself. I wanted to give thanks, and recognize God has been here leading us through this challenge. I feel grateful for what we have been given so far, and I also feel hopeful for our future.
And also, I think you may be referring to a post I made on Thanksgiving that got some negative feedback and had to be locked. I was sharing how much progress I have made, and my husband has made since this time last year. He has been clean for 8 months and has been working hard on improving himself. I wanted to give thanks, and recognize God has been here leading us through this challenge. I feel grateful for what we have been given so far, and I also feel hopeful for our future.
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