Holidays are the hardest
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 145
Holidays are the hardest
Good morning everyone,
Hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. I myself had a wonderful Thanksgiving. After I left my XABF for a little over a month now, I started to really believe in the "I can choose to be happy" statement. I started to slowly let go of my resentments towards my family and it made this Thanksgiving with them pretty wonderful because I was able to talk to them for the first time in a long time. It felt wonderful.
Prior to Thanksgiving, my ex's mail was still coming to my apt and rather than return to sender or throw it out, I mailed it to his parents house where he is currently living. Some people told me it was not my responsibility, but I felt like I should because most of it looked really important. Two large envelopes later, no thank you, nothing, but I didn't expect a thank you. I knew I simply would not get one. I texted his dad on Saturday to confirm that he received the mail just in case I got the wrong address. His dad said yes, we exchanged happy thanksgiving, and his dad said "It would have been better if you were here with us. We are hoping for next year". This statement drove me crazy all weekend. It didn't make me sad, but I found myself feeling like I was back at square one trying to analyze what is going on over there. His sister defriended me as soon as I broke up with him, but his dad is saying he wishes I was there?
It just confused me so much and it started making me miss them...I tried really hard to push the urge to analyze out. It won't do me any good to sit here and analyze. If anything, it will suck me back in to where I don't want to be. It's been a little over a month and this past month has felt like a year and has been difficult, but I'm finally starting to be able to be happy with myself again and I know I have to stay away...holidays are just hard. Part of me did want a 'thank you for sending my mail' from somebody over there then part of me knew that "expectations are premeditated resentments". Yes, if it were me I would've said thank you, but he is not like me. I keep thinking and viewing him as someone he is not.
Gosh holidays =/
Hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. I myself had a wonderful Thanksgiving. After I left my XABF for a little over a month now, I started to really believe in the "I can choose to be happy" statement. I started to slowly let go of my resentments towards my family and it made this Thanksgiving with them pretty wonderful because I was able to talk to them for the first time in a long time. It felt wonderful.
Prior to Thanksgiving, my ex's mail was still coming to my apt and rather than return to sender or throw it out, I mailed it to his parents house where he is currently living. Some people told me it was not my responsibility, but I felt like I should because most of it looked really important. Two large envelopes later, no thank you, nothing, but I didn't expect a thank you. I knew I simply would not get one. I texted his dad on Saturday to confirm that he received the mail just in case I got the wrong address. His dad said yes, we exchanged happy thanksgiving, and his dad said "It would have been better if you were here with us. We are hoping for next year". This statement drove me crazy all weekend. It didn't make me sad, but I found myself feeling like I was back at square one trying to analyze what is going on over there. His sister defriended me as soon as I broke up with him, but his dad is saying he wishes I was there?
It just confused me so much and it started making me miss them...I tried really hard to push the urge to analyze out. It won't do me any good to sit here and analyze. If anything, it will suck me back in to where I don't want to be. It's been a little over a month and this past month has felt like a year and has been difficult, but I'm finally starting to be able to be happy with myself again and I know I have to stay away...holidays are just hard. Part of me did want a 'thank you for sending my mail' from somebody over there then part of me knew that "expectations are premeditated resentments". Yes, if it were me I would've said thank you, but he is not like me. I keep thinking and viewing him as someone he is not.
Gosh holidays =/
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi,
Sorry I can only imagine how you must be feeling. I guess it wouldn't be good to analyze too much although I'm sure I would be doing the same thing.
Holidays ARE difficult and I need to work on letting go of my resentments as well and creating my own happiness. I'm glad you had a nice Thanksgiving with your family!
Sorry I can only imagine how you must be feeling. I guess it wouldn't be good to analyze too much although I'm sure I would be doing the same thing.
Holidays ARE difficult and I need to work on letting go of my resentments as well and creating my own happiness. I'm glad you had a nice Thanksgiving with your family!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
While my XAGF was in rehab I received all of her mail.
The mail that I considered important I would bring to her when I would visit.
She found a new boyfriend in rehab, so we broke up.
She picked up all of her mail that I still had and asked if I would forward the rest, until she could have it redirected.
And I agreed.
Knowing full well how irresponsible she is and would take her own sweet time about having it redirected.
She could take her time, counting on the fact that I as usual would look out for her.
And as I expected week after week her mail continued to come to my home and me forwarding it to her.
Then one day I am out with some friends and I tell them about what I am doing with the mail.
They all look at me and say, "Are you kidding? After everything you have done for her, then she leaves you for some guy in rehab and you are still taking care of her mail!
How many ways can you say SUCKER!"
They were so right!
From that moment on every piece of her mail that came to me I marked return to sender. Wrong address.
And dropped it right back in the mailbox.
Her and I are now going on over five weeks no contact.
And even though she totally screwed me over, the holidays are still hard.
As for her parents the last thing her mother said to me is "Thank you for saving my daughter's life. You are a godsend."
Since the breakup, nothing.
So what my XAGF is now doing is "none of my business."
And the same goes for her family.
I do not want anyone to ever spell my name SUCKER again.
The mail that I considered important I would bring to her when I would visit.
She found a new boyfriend in rehab, so we broke up.
She picked up all of her mail that I still had and asked if I would forward the rest, until she could have it redirected.
And I agreed.
Knowing full well how irresponsible she is and would take her own sweet time about having it redirected.
She could take her time, counting on the fact that I as usual would look out for her.
And as I expected week after week her mail continued to come to my home and me forwarding it to her.
Then one day I am out with some friends and I tell them about what I am doing with the mail.
They all look at me and say, "Are you kidding? After everything you have done for her, then she leaves you for some guy in rehab and you are still taking care of her mail!
How many ways can you say SUCKER!"
They were so right!
From that moment on every piece of her mail that came to me I marked return to sender. Wrong address.
And dropped it right back in the mailbox.
Her and I are now going on over five weeks no contact.
And even though she totally screwed me over, the holidays are still hard.
As for her parents the last thing her mother said to me is "Thank you for saving my daughter's life. You are a godsend."
Since the breakup, nothing.
So what my XAGF is now doing is "none of my business."
And the same goes for her family.
I do not want anyone to ever spell my name SUCKER again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 145
Hi soexhausted,
I'm going on six weeks of no contact with him as well. I agree with the mail thing. I know I should mark return to sender and it really breaks my heart because it looks really important. I've passed the message along asking his dad to communicate that he should change his address. I figure I can't keep mailing his mail forever. It's a lot of money and no appreciation. I worry about his bills and notices, but he clearly does not so I should really let go.
It sucks ya know...hopefully six weeks will soon turn into six months and after that six years and so on. Everyday feels like a month, but I know that I would not trade one day of what I have now for any day that I shared with him. Those days were entirely too stressful and depressing.
I'm going on six weeks of no contact with him as well. I agree with the mail thing. I know I should mark return to sender and it really breaks my heart because it looks really important. I've passed the message along asking his dad to communicate that he should change his address. I figure I can't keep mailing his mail forever. It's a lot of money and no appreciation. I worry about his bills and notices, but he clearly does not so I should really let go.
It sucks ya know...hopefully six weeks will soon turn into six months and after that six years and so on. Everyday feels like a month, but I know that I would not trade one day of what I have now for any day that I shared with him. Those days were entirely too stressful and depressing.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
The holidays are bringing me tears over here. It's difficult but I know I have to just keep going through this in order to get to the other side. Good for you for not falling for your own emotional hook. I am glad his father has feelings about you and liked you; that is a reflection on you and your character. Just remember, just because someone likes you, misses you, or even loves you, does not mean you should marry or otherwise be with their son. I have had to give up several families I simply loved as my own, because their family member I was involved with was just not good for me.
Thanks for the timely post. Keep working on you during this time.
Thanks for the timely post. Keep working on you during this time.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
My ex husbands Dad got so fed up of his own son that he started visiting his Grandkids through me which I had no problem with.
When he died the ex husband didn't tell me & I had to read it in the local newspaper & of course went into shock.
At the funeral my ex husbands sister was very upset cause ex husband had had numerous goes at her for being a goldigger which was untrue.
My ex husbands Dad felt so strongly about his grandchildren that he left them some money each & put my name on the will to handle it.
This didn't go down well & he said that I would go & spend all the money for myself & made waves so the sister & I put money into trust account that we both have to sign for just to keep him quiet.
You know what? I haven't touched the money at all but it is safe for my children's future.
It's nice to know the family still care kathy.
Sorry it's stirred up all the emotion for you.
Hugs.
When he died the ex husband didn't tell me & I had to read it in the local newspaper & of course went into shock.
At the funeral my ex husbands sister was very upset cause ex husband had had numerous goes at her for being a goldigger which was untrue.
My ex husbands Dad felt so strongly about his grandchildren that he left them some money each & put my name on the will to handle it.
This didn't go down well & he said that I would go & spend all the money for myself & made waves so the sister & I put money into trust account that we both have to sign for just to keep him quiet.
You know what? I haven't touched the money at all but it is safe for my children's future.
It's nice to know the family still care kathy.
Sorry it's stirred up all the emotion for you.
Hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 145
Good morning everyone,
Thanks everyone for your posts. Holidays are tough. I don't know what it is about the holidays that makes it so tough. I think there's such an expectation with holidays, family, the good cheer, and the image that it's supposed to be this loving, magical time. When I think about the mail, I wonder if he's purposely not changing his address because our alcoholics know how we are, or at least I'm sure mine does. He knows I won't throw it out right away. He knows I would care. And there I go with the analyzing, but similarly, I have to keep reminding myself of the disease, of how it can be manipulative so that I don't get sucked back in thinking oh he really needs his mail. Nope. If he needed it, he would come get it or change his address.
Fortunately, no direct contact with him yet. The holidays are unpredictable. There are so many coming up and so many excuses for them to contact us, but I know we can all stay strong. I remember Learn2Live you told me once, it's not easier to stay then it is to start over with someone who is not an alcoholic and I keep reminding myself of everything I have learned on SR. Holidays make it easy to run back and communicate again, but it would be so much better to just move on and start fresh.
Thanks everyone for your posts. Holidays are tough. I don't know what it is about the holidays that makes it so tough. I think there's such an expectation with holidays, family, the good cheer, and the image that it's supposed to be this loving, magical time. When I think about the mail, I wonder if he's purposely not changing his address because our alcoholics know how we are, or at least I'm sure mine does. He knows I won't throw it out right away. He knows I would care. And there I go with the analyzing, but similarly, I have to keep reminding myself of the disease, of how it can be manipulative so that I don't get sucked back in thinking oh he really needs his mail. Nope. If he needed it, he would come get it or change his address.
Fortunately, no direct contact with him yet. The holidays are unpredictable. There are so many coming up and so many excuses for them to contact us, but I know we can all stay strong. I remember Learn2Live you told me once, it's not easier to stay then it is to start over with someone who is not an alcoholic and I keep reminding myself of everything I have learned on SR. Holidays make it easy to run back and communicate again, but it would be so much better to just move on and start fresh.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
It's not my job to ensure someone else gets his mail. HIS mail, HIS job. If someone is too irresponsible or drunk or high to simply go online for two minutes and input a change in his address, I am not going to keep enabling him. I suggest you not also.
Cutting ties from his family will make it easier on you. Focus on YOUR family, those who love YOU. Create the life you want to live. (((hugs))) sounds like you're doing well
Glad to hear that!
Cutting ties from his family will make it easier on you. Focus on YOUR family, those who love YOU. Create the life you want to live. (((hugs))) sounds like you're doing well
Glad to hear that!
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