GingerM

When I first came here in 2006, I was hurting, believing the mean things that my dad would say about me, locked in a world of cycling between upset and happiness as my dad's behavior cycled through the same things.

Since then, with much help from SR and equal help from my therapist (SR + good therapist = great combination), I have learned to let his nastiness wash over me. I have learned that his reality and mine can be quite radically different and that's okay. I have learned that the opinions of crazy people are not valid opinions that I should allow to influence how I think of myself.

I am able to separate myself from his vile rantings even in the face of said rantings. I am able to stay centered on myself and ask "what do *I* want to do with this?" then answer myself in an active (as opposed to REactive) manner. My dad's behavior no longer controls mine.

The day my dad was arrested, I had a talk with my mom about her drinking. I told her that I really thought she should not drink for the next several months as she was going to need all her wits about her. Guess what? Without my dad there being as mean and horrible to her as he is to everyone else, she has all but stopped drinking. She's not perpetually hungover, and she's starting to build some self-confidence (it's tentative, but it's budding and that's more than I ever expected would happen to her in her life). She's in therapy - something she's refused for her entire life. Her therapist is doing good work with her. And giving her someplace she can talk about whatever she needs to talk about without fear of reprisals from anyone. And she's learning to trust (admittedly, that circle of "people mom trusts" is quite small, but 1 or 2 is still greater than 0).

I have learned to find compassion for my mom, who I used to really struggle with. Oh, she still drives me batty, but in a different way (the dementia makes her easily sidetracked, so spending 45 minutes trying to get her to write a check can be maddening... but that is not the same as her previous drunken behaviors). I can forgive her for not being the mother I wanted to have or felt entitled to.

In fact, I have let go of feeling entitled to anything. I was not entitled to have the childhood I thought I "should" have had. I had the childhood I had, I have the parents I have. I am only entitled to decide for myself what I will do with me. I have finally managed to truly let go of the past. Yeah, I still wonder "what if", but it's more of a theoretical wondering, not an emotional one. Things could have been just as bad even if all the things I used to think I was entitled to had panned out - I have friends who are living proof of that. They had everything I thought I should have had and they are in worse shape emotionally than I am now.

Thank you SR for being here for me when I first became aware of the concept of Adult Children of Alcoholics. Thank you for helping me through the fallacies in thought that kept me locked in the cycle of engaging with the crazy of my parents. Thank you for the Bill of Rights - I still, in my head, chant "I have the right to not participate in the crazy-making behaviors of my family." And better yet, I have practiced not participating to the point that I can now sit in the thick of the crazy-making and still not participate.

So for all of you who are still struggling, there is hope. I started here over 6 years ago. I am a significantly more peaceful and happy person now than I was then. Which isn't to say that life is a bed of roses for me (if so, they are VERY thorny!), but even when things are absolutely horrid, I can still find ME in amongst all the detritus that the current emotional storm is throwing at me. And that? That is HUGE!!

Mracoa

Glad to hear things are going in a good direction for you and your mother. Hopefully her all but stopped moves to fully stopped soon. I've heard that consuming alcohol speeds up the progress of many forms of dementia.

My grandfather is moving into the advanced stages of Alzheimer’s. We lived close and I managed to have a few good years with him before he lost touch with reality. I'll pray and hope that you and your mom have many good years together before the disease progresses.

Kialua

You are in such a good place, I'm so happy for you.

For many years I was detached emotionally but still tried to fix things out of duty.

I remember when I realized that I had found and had been living in my freedom. My Dad was incarcerated and in lock up AA treatment at the Vets home. He did his steps and when it was time to apologize to people they had him write letters to his kids, us sibs. He was so nice and apologized for everything till he came to me, the 5th of 6 kids. For some reason, probably because my mom was staying with me while he was locked up, he blasted into me, telling me everything wrong in his life was my fault and I deserved every beating I got and he hated me.

The gasp in the room from his group and my sibs was audible. But inside me, I felt no anger, no love, no anything. I marveled at that moment at how he had failed to hurt me. I had finally experienced freedom in front of him. My years of detaching emotionally had been real. It does work, it does happen.

Of course they made him re-write and I cherish it to this day, not really ha ha.

GingerM

That's exactly what I'm doing right now. Each tirade against me just kind of blows over me - the effect it has on those around me hurts, but it doesn't hurt me personally. And like you, I'm kind of surprised and marveling at myself that I've finally gotten there.

I wish I knew how I got there, but I did. I actually think that him going to prison and not drinking was helpful to me in my journey - I couldn't blame the alcohol anymore, it wasn't the alcohol, it was HIM. That seemed to make the difference to me.

EveningRose

It's interesting to read how the tirades have affected both of you.

My father's last communication with me was, I think almost two years ago. I know it almost to the date, the first two or three days of January 2011. When I wouldn't listen to him swear at me on the phone, and hung up on him, he called over and over. I think it took me something like 3 months before I could listen to all the voicemails he left, 11 of them, one uglier than the last, till he was blaming me for everyone else's problems, telling me I was ruining my kids' lives, calling me a troublemaker, and finally, an a$$hole.

I'm glad to say I, too, just watched, listened, and it washed over me. If anything, it really helped me to see that I am not, and never was the problem, if I can live as I have, respectably, responsibly, trying to give to others, and he can behave toward me like that.

I think in our growth, we do reach that stage where their behavior only further shows us the truth, rather than hurting us anymore.

Wascally Wabbit

Heck yeah! GingerM, you have helped me so very much in the past. I see your maturity and growth while helping others. Thank you so much for this post.

dollydo

"In fact, I have let go of feeling entitled to anything. I was not entitled to have the childhood I thought I "should" have had. I had the childhood I had, I have the parents I have. I am only entitled to decide for myself what I will do with me. I have finally managed to truly let go of the past. Yeah, I still wonder "what if", but it's more of a theoretical wondering, not an emotional one. Things could have been just as bad even if all the things I used to think I was entitled to had panned out - I have friends who are living proof of that. They had everything I thought I should have had and they are in worse shape emotionally than I am now. "

You have come so far. I still struggle with the "Entitlement" issue, not that I am that type of person as a whole, my deprived, toxic childhood really worked a number on me. I am better, I am moving in the right direction, I will get there.

Thanks so much for your inspiring post.