My first week of the person I know I can be
My first week of the person I know I can be
One week ago today, I awoke for the umpteenth time in the guest bedroom in the middle of the night with the sweats, headache, dry-mouth & anxiety. Even though we were afforded a rare night together with the kids at the babysitter, I spent the night alone due to once again; me drinking too much, embarassing myself & everyone around me because I cannot control my drinking & become a person other than who I would like to be.
Hours later my wife brought me a couple of articles breaking down checklist of what make a person a Highly Functional Alcoholic. There was barely one trait or description that I did not fit to a tee. I cannot have just one drink, constantly obsess about my next drinking schedule, I set drinking limits that I'm unable to adhere to, I reward myself with drinking, take breaks form drinking (that are then rewarded with even more drinking), behave in ways not characteristic if my sober self, etc., etc. On top of that I could add hiding bottles, sneaking drinks from my spouse in order to not have limits placed on my intake.
After several hours of conversations, tears & ultimatums, I made the promise to finally stop. We have had the same conversation many, many times over the years, but I have never promised to, or tried to actually stop. Even though I have known I have a problem, I have convinced myself it was manageable & my wife needed to back off & be more understanding. I now fully realize after 25 years, I do not want my wife & kids to hold the same resentment for me that I did for my father's drinking, or my father due to my grandfather's drinking. It is time to make the change for good & I am now resigned to the fact that I AM JUST NOT GOING TO DRINK.
I have spent the last four days perusing this site & am more than thankful for everyone's honesty & strength that is pored out on here hourly. I have found mirrors of myself numerous times & gotten so much helpful, positive information to set me up for success, it is amazing. I am going to make an appointment tomorrow to see a therapist and hope that in conjunction with secular SR on a daily basis will give me a great path. I look forward to keeping you posted on my success.
"It’s not the number of drinks that defines an alcoholic, It’s what happens to you when you’re drinking.” -Sarah Allen Benton "Understanding the High Functioning Alcoholic"
Hours later my wife brought me a couple of articles breaking down checklist of what make a person a Highly Functional Alcoholic. There was barely one trait or description that I did not fit to a tee. I cannot have just one drink, constantly obsess about my next drinking schedule, I set drinking limits that I'm unable to adhere to, I reward myself with drinking, take breaks form drinking (that are then rewarded with even more drinking), behave in ways not characteristic if my sober self, etc., etc. On top of that I could add hiding bottles, sneaking drinks from my spouse in order to not have limits placed on my intake.
After several hours of conversations, tears & ultimatums, I made the promise to finally stop. We have had the same conversation many, many times over the years, but I have never promised to, or tried to actually stop. Even though I have known I have a problem, I have convinced myself it was manageable & my wife needed to back off & be more understanding. I now fully realize after 25 years, I do not want my wife & kids to hold the same resentment for me that I did for my father's drinking, or my father due to my grandfather's drinking. It is time to make the change for good & I am now resigned to the fact that I AM JUST NOT GOING TO DRINK.
I have spent the last four days perusing this site & am more than thankful for everyone's honesty & strength that is pored out on here hourly. I have found mirrors of myself numerous times & gotten so much helpful, positive information to set me up for success, it is amazing. I am going to make an appointment tomorrow to see a therapist and hope that in conjunction with secular SR on a daily basis will give me a great path. I look forward to keeping you posted on my success.
"It’s not the number of drinks that defines an alcoholic, It’s what happens to you when you’re drinking.” -Sarah Allen Benton "Understanding the High Functioning Alcoholic"
On the bright side, if you put the plug in the jug and keep it there you will have no more drunken trouble whatsoever.
Powerless over Alcohol
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny!
Posts: 4,018
Welcome aboard..
Been there, and stayed there for decades.. You know that you can not have that first one , cause like me I never could stop.. Till I found the rooms of AA I was able to stay stopped..
Heres a good read..
Big Book Online - the doctor's opinion
Linked with the permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.
What ever path you might choose, work hard and life without the booze really is amazing. I would of never thought it, but everyone before me said it, and low and behold its true..
Been there, and stayed there for decades.. You know that you can not have that first one , cause like me I never could stop.. Till I found the rooms of AA I was able to stay stopped..
Heres a good read..
Big Book Online - the doctor's opinion
Linked with the permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.
What ever path you might choose, work hard and life without the booze really is amazing. I would of never thought it, but everyone before me said it, and low and behold its true..
Last edited by Dee74; 11-25-2012 at 09:44 PM. Reason: please remember AA copyright link disclaimer!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 100
I think that you are in the right place (meaning here at SR but more importantly your mindset) and have a good foundation for recovery. I look forward to reading your future success stories. You will never regret leaving alcohol in your past. It is good that you have written this out - you may need to read it from time to time.
My one humble suggestion is that you keep an open mind as to any and all methods/programs that may help you. I wish you the best!
My one humble suggestion is that you keep an open mind as to any and all methods/programs that may help you. I wish you the best!
functionality does not define a drunk. Drunk is drunk.
"An HFA is an alcoholic who is able to maintain his or her outside life, such as a job, home, family, and friendships, all while drinking alcoholically. HFAs have the same disease as the stereotypical "skid-row" alcoholic. Many are not viewed by society as being alcoholic (only closet alcoholics), because they have functioned, succeeded and/or over-achieved throughout their lifetimes. These achievements often lead to an increase in personal denial (delusional thinking) as well as denial from colleagues and loved ones. HFAs are less apt to feel that they need treatment or help for their alcoholism and often slide through the cracks of the health care system, both medically and psychologically, because they are not diagnosed (most lie to their medical professionals). Sadly, according to the National Epidemiological Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions only 25% of alcoholics ever receive treatment-indicating a serious problem of denial on a societal level." ~Psychology Today
glad you found SR!
"An HFA is an alcoholic who is able to maintain his or her outside life, such as a job, home, family, and friendships, all while drinking alcoholically. HFAs have the same disease as the stereotypical "skid-row" alcoholic. Many are not viewed by society as being alcoholic (only closet alcoholics), because they have functioned, succeeded and/or over-achieved throughout their lifetimes. These achievements often lead to an increase in personal denial (delusional thinking) as well as denial from colleagues and loved ones. HFAs are less apt to feel that they need treatment or help for their alcoholism and often slide through the cracks of the health care system, both medically and psychologically, because they are not diagnosed (most lie to their medical professionals). Sadly, according to the National Epidemiological Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions only 25% of alcoholics ever receive treatment-indicating a serious problem of denial on a societal level." ~Psychology Today
glad you found SR!
Welcome to SR. I'm also a HFA and my pattern was binge drinking. My wake-up call was when I couldn't count back to the last gap in the binge. I was heading for skid row!
Anyways I just wanted to wish you well and let you know that I'm at 31 days and, without trying to sound too cheesy, I literally thought 'how do I want to create my new life' as my first thought this morning. I then read your post thread and realised someone else was excited about their new life choices too.
S x
Anyways I just wanted to wish you well and let you know that I'm at 31 days and, without trying to sound too cheesy, I literally thought 'how do I want to create my new life' as my first thought this morning. I then read your post thread and realised someone else was excited about their new life choices too.
S x
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 2
I nearly did a week
Hi I understand everything in your post.
I just had my first 6 days with no alcohol then felt I could revert to being moderate , mistake. 3 days of drinking and now I know again that moderation isn't workable for me. I really enjoyed waking up during those 6 days, so fully intend to repeat again as of now. Going to a pathway support group later too. Good luck and to all other postees on this site. Good work.
I just had my first 6 days with no alcohol then felt I could revert to being moderate , mistake. 3 days of drinking and now I know again that moderation isn't workable for me. I really enjoyed waking up during those 6 days, so fully intend to repeat again as of now. Going to a pathway support group later too. Good luck and to all other postees on this site. Good work.
I had no outward problems that most people would recognize. I got A's in school, was a rock star at work, no legal ramifications, etc. But it got to be too much work to manage life and drinking both. One had to give, and I chose to ditch the bottle. You're making a choice that could save your life and your marriage.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
The peace you experience when you realise that not drinking is the only option is amazing.
No more
I will just drink beer no spirits........
I will have 4 drinks then switch to water.........
I will not start drinking until 10pm.....
I will just drink tuesday thursday and saturday...
I will just drink saturday night......
You do not have to do that anymore. That internal conversation with your yourself is gone.
Keep coming here and reading and posting.
It's no big deal. It's normal to eliminate something from your life that makes you unhappy.
What do you think?
No more
I will just drink beer no spirits........
I will have 4 drinks then switch to water.........
I will not start drinking until 10pm.....
I will just drink tuesday thursday and saturday...
I will just drink saturday night......
You do not have to do that anymore. That internal conversation with your yourself is gone.
Keep coming here and reading and posting.
It's no big deal. It's normal to eliminate something from your life that makes you unhappy.
What do you think?
Sasha-That is spot on! I have exhausted myself with the efforts I have gone to with the planning, , deal making, compromising, scheduling, hiding, lying, for something that was supposed to be fun, or relaxing, but more often ended up as regret, embarrassment & shame. Can't wait to never do it again!
Welcome Thanume!
Good for you for making this decision! I was terrified to get sober (it was the one thing I looked forward to at the end of the day - how would I cope with stress or have fun?). Now looking back, I wonder what the h was I thinking?
Be careful with detox (get medical help if you need it), and welcome to a great community. Look forward to seeing you around the forum!
Good for you for making this decision! I was terrified to get sober (it was the one thing I looked forward to at the end of the day - how would I cope with stress or have fun?). Now looking back, I wonder what the h was I thinking?
Be careful with detox (get medical help if you need it), and welcome to a great community. Look forward to seeing you around the forum!
Welcome to SR. I'm also a HFA and my pattern was binge drinking. My wake-up call was when I couldn't count back to the last gap in the binge. I was heading for skid row!
Anyways I just wanted to wish you well and let you know that I'm at 31 days and, without trying to sound too cheesy, I literally thought 'how do I want to create my new life' as my first thought this morning. I then read your post thread and realised someone else was excited about their new life choices too.
S x
Anyways I just wanted to wish you well and let you know that I'm at 31 days and, without trying to sound too cheesy, I literally thought 'how do I want to create my new life' as my first thought this morning. I then read your post thread and realised someone else was excited about their new life choices too.
S x
Thanks for that reply. I hope my post inspired you to give it another try and achieve everything you want. I have fought "moderation" for years. I am honestly so tired of the effort & mental anguish it takes just to drink & now realize I CANNOT control my intake. I am so inspired by the multitudes of people on here that are in my exact same style & size of shoes, it is so therapeutic to hear their struggles & most of all- success stories. Good luck, you know you can do it!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 645
Someone here once said that "high functioning alcoholism is not a type of alcoholism, but a stage of alcoholism." It will only progress and get worse and eventually not be functional. This really stuck with me. It's true!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)