jewel14

I dont even know where to begin. I have 2 kids 1 w my ex. He Cheated on me and left 3 years ago. Since then our worlds have been nothing but a roller coster ride. After he tried to get me back and after a drug induced summer by him, he ended up in hospital I took him back he was on meds for bi-polar which he say mad him feel so bad he decided to do a weekend of pills and then when I said it was over again after he was completely high in front of kids he Od'd on Herion. (Which he now said he was trying to kill himself.) The rollercoaster continued to the point of restraining orders, etc. This past winter-summer was not good either he said he was not using but come to find out he had a major pill addition (snorting) not convinced it wasn't herion too and it was deff crack as well. ALL OF THIS DUE TO THE FACT THAT I "LEFT HIM SICK IN THE HOSPITAL INSTEAD OF STANDING BY MY MAN LIKE A CARING WIFE WOULD HAVE" He has alienated almost everyone friends and family, but I for some crazy reason still have a soft heart. He started Suboxone treatment in September and he seemed like he was starting to be the person I hoped he would be. I started doing some of the visits w/our daughter. We started to hang out a little but I question everything. It seems like he contantly has no money which makes me wonder is over 3k behind again in support and blames the lack of hours at work. He says the only way he will be happy or able to make it is if he puts his famly back together and that is all that matters. My son is very against it to the point of many talks and tears he is fearful of the rollercoaster ride, and will not continue to stay with me if I were to give it a go... I am trying to put my kids first and told my ex we needed to talk which of course set him into a tailspin, and now he flips from so upset doesnt want to live to wanting me to suffer to still wanting family...I feel like this is all my fault and I really screwed up. I have moments were my rose colored glasses are on and think wow a family for my daughter, but then i think about packing my kids in the middle of the night to leave because I was affraid of what might happen.. I went to fast too soon and now I am affraid I can't fix. I feel he should understand if he truly is "recoverd" like he says I know he has a right to be upset but I can't force myself.

Impurrfect

((jewel)) - First of all, I'm both a recovering addict (RA) and a recovering codie who has loved ones who are still using/drinking.

From what I read, he is not really working recovery. If he were, he would KNOW that it's an inside job. He has to do it for himself. He's still expecting you to make it all better, totally ignoring the fact that your son doesn't want him around.

From what I understand (and I'm not a doctor), subs counteract the effects of opiates...they do nothing for crack. I'm not sure, but I know many people still abuse things when on subs.

If he truly were in recovery, he would NOT have a reason to be upset, IMO. I had to deal with a lot of hurt feelings, anger, fear, etc. of my loved ones. I brought that on myself. They had every right to feel that way. It took time, and my actions proving I was in recovery to even begin to rebuild relationships.

Though I dearly love my family, MY first priority is my recovery. Without it, I have nothing. Doesn't sound like he's there yet, and he may never get there. It's totally up to HIM.

I strongly suggest you take a break from him and focus on you and your kids. He sounds irresponsible and feels as if he's entitled to something. We RA's don't just get forgiven - we have to EARN trust and there are some relationships that just can't be mended. Again, OUR fault.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

laurie6781

(((((jewel)))))

First sweetie:

You didn't Cause this.

You cannot Control this.

You cannot Cure this.

None of this is your fault, even though your addict is trying to put the blame
on you. This is ALL consequences of his actions.

Listen to your son. Do not let the A back into your life and your home.

Keep your safety and your children's safety FIRST.

Have you tried any Alanon meetings and/or some private therapy with
a counselor specializing in addictions?

Please check around this forum, read all of the 'stickys' at the top of
this forum, and then read a bunch of the threads. There is a 'common'
thread through almost all of them that Addict tries and blames the
poster that it is all the poster's fault. That is called MANIPULATION and
you will see we also refer to it as the Addict QUACKING. Picture the Big
White AFLAC duck going QUACK, QUACK, QUACK every time your addict
opens his mouth to say anything.

We are walking with you in spirit, so please keep posting and let us know
how you are doing, as we do care very much.

Feel free to vent, rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh.

Love and hugs,

ps: I too am a RA (Recovering Addict) and I agree with Amy. He has to
want recovery and it sure does not sound like he is there yet. Until he
'WANTS' recovery he will not work for it. Trust me, an RA has to EARN
trust from the 'loved ones' and friends the A has hurt. I know, my family
finally started to show me a bit of trust when I was about 3 years Sober
and Clean, and only then because I had shown them by my ACTIONS
that I indeed was continuing my recovery.

outtolunch

Sounds a tad bit like both of you have serious control issues.
He has been and continues to live his life as he chooses. Are you?

Active addicts and those new to recovery make lousy parents. My money says this guy is not done with drugs yet and regardless is not into adult responsibilities.
He's your ex for a reason. Protect your children and all else will fall into place. Get court-ordered child support.

Ann

If his recovery was strong, he would put what is best for your son first. Listen to your son, keep a distance between you. Time and his actions will show if he is sincere about getting clean. If he is not, living with his active addiction with only drag you down with him.

Have you tried meetings for yourself? Your son might benefit too. Maybe give it a try and see if it doesn't help you regain your balance.

Hugs

jewel14

thanks for all your input today has been extremely hard