Lily1918

ugh. it feels like I am starting all over. I felt so strong and now I feel defeated. I thought I had let go, until last weekend, and then I fell so deep. I checked up on him and searched pockets. So here I am starting over, picking up my own pieces. celebrating that he started his program again, but not asking questions and removing myself a little bit. focusing on getting ready for Christmas, and just turning off my phone sometimes. but its insane how I thought I had come so far and now here I am back at square one. I never knew what prayer was before this season of my life. can codependency ever be defeated? I feel like I am doomed to repeat myself.

cece1960

(((Lily)))
You recognized it, you know what you need to do.
That's so much farther ahead than before, right?

hello-kitty

That reminds me of an old saying - Winston Churchill or something: Those that do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it.

It's up to you Lily. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Codependency can be defeated, just like any other addiction. But it takes hard work and commitment. Only you know what that really looks like. You've been told about books you can read and meetings you can attend. many people have shared their experience and ideas. When you are ready, you can change things by putting those ideas into practice.

I hope you don't waste to much of your youth. There are some sad stories on here today - of abused, demoralized people who after 20 years and a number of children, are trying to leave their addict spouse. I don't want you to become one of them.

You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.

Tarot

It's not plane sailing hun, I do the same...two-steps forward and one back,but you're still heading in the right direction. I tell them that in my Al Anon group every week. The wise older lady there tells how its just a matter of practice. Just keep taking those steps, one day at a time.

Thepatman

Even crawling... You are moving forward. When you stop moving all togheter then worry.

You can get on one knee, then the next, then you will stand, stronger the ever before in your life.

Vale

Lily1918,you are gonna be OK.

>>>not asking questions and removing myself a little bit<<<

....sounds like progress to me.

Lily1918

those stories make it so much harder for my terminal uniqueness perspective Im trying to kill. He is so high functioning it's ridiculous. Great job, loved by the church. never been physically abusive. I haven't seen it. bills all paid on time, going to meetings, has a sponsor.... Idk... but I love Nar anon. I go every week. my sponsor helps me, but Idk what the future holds. so I get up every day and just try to live life to the fullest.

Katiekate

Lily, sweetie, I fell many times, even when I was no contact I allowed my mind to stay in only one place, with xabf, it still happens once in awhile, the sadness comes, but now I just let it slide to the floor and out the front door.

It's only minutes , once in awhile, then I go on with my day.

We do heal, but one thing I have learned, there are things in my co dependent self that are worthy of keeping. Things that I actually could use to help me through all this crap. And now I can watch myself do the co dependent thing and stop it in its tracks.

You are closer everyday. Big hug, Katie

Lily1918

Im so glad Im not alone

Jody675

lily how about you start living YOUR life that doesnt start with something about him? start a blog about your own life and thoughts and feels and try and find some time that your aren't so focused on him and what hes doing, and how hes going, and where his, and feeling, and, and, and.... i found the moment i could stop my focus about that other person, then thats when i knew i could be freedom from codependency. so maybe everytime you start focusing on him, then make a conscience effort to refocus on yourself. good luck. its a long tough road, but really is worth it.

Vale

Before the internet,most people had to live with their own thoughts---
they could wonder what others were thinking....but certainly never know in
realtime.

Now you know that what you are feeling is in no way freakish or unusual.
I'll dispense with the prattle my Mom used to tell me when I was little when
I told her I was bored.......to whit......"Why don't you _____________"
(fill in whatever do-gooder/needed to get done/put off task you can think of
---the list truly is endless!).

Your feelings are valid.And yes, that is why some people move closer to
high density population centers (more fish in the ocean than any creek).

It's OK to feel lonely.The reason we are here is that those we care about
could not face the simple truths of life.Maybe they felt life dealt them a bad
hand 'cuz they didn't get on American Idol...I dunno.They found a chemical
shortcut---that opened up Pandora's box & derailed their lives.

There is nothing wrong,and something terribly authentic----about people
who face (and embrace) their full,true, and real selves.

I lost my very best friend to cancer 2 months ago.I still miss our hours-

long talks about everything under the sun.I let myself be sad about it--

because it's a sad thing.But I know what my friend would say if he were still here......

"I'm dead,you idiot.Now go find a new best friend 'cuz I'm not going to be
able to hold up my end of the conversation any more.....and you give me
the creeps when you just come to my gravesite and stare."

We had good (great) times together,full of adventure---but now he's
gone.I'll find new adventures,with someone else.

....And so will you.

LoveMeNow

Lily,

I say this with love. You sound like you are minimizing his addiction so you can justify in your own mind the thoughts about getting back together with him. If I am wrong, and I misread your post then I am apologize in advance. If I am right, I bet your instincts are screaming "NO, don't do it!!" I am speaking from my own experience where I thought we, he, and I were unique.

I know that I tried to minimize my husband's addiction. I couldn't even call him an addict. He had a little ole "pill problem." He, too, was high functioning and was able to fool me and everyone else over and over again.

But, I don't believe any addict is high functioning at all. They may be able to fool life (for now) but within them is a very dark and dangerous secret life and day by day...their life is becoming out of control as the disease takes over. I watched it and was extremely painful. When he finally went down, I went right down with him, thinking the whole time - I was being obedient to God and our vows as husband and wife. I look back and wonder how I made it through that. I know it was God because I didn't have the strength do it for myself.

Addiction is progressive. It gets worse and worse. And thank God it does for many because it is then many finally get sick and tired of being sick and tired and only then will they reach out for help.

If your not done and haven't hit your bottom with him, then give it another try. No one here is judging you. Most of us have done it. However, at some point, you are still going to have to work on you because your codependency is not going to magically disappear. I would hate to see you make the same mistakes over and over but if that is what is going to take.....then that is what it going to take. That's what it took for me but it is probably my biggest regret. JMHO

God Bless!