honkbert

Monday would have been 60 days for me. Here I sit in my bedroom with a fifth of Jameson. I knew sobriety would be challenging. I didn't know it would make me suicidal. I'd rather be dead than feel the way I did. So I'm drunk.

Delilah1

That is the Jameson talking. Sixty days is awesome, and I am going to steal something from a post earlier today you are 60-1, start again tomorrow. Is there anyone you can call tonight to come over to stay with you?

Please post tomorrow and let us know how you are. Sending hugs your way.

Woohoo

Start over tomorrow..it is another day and another chance..give yourself a break you are human. That is the booze talking..you want to live and be sober..and you will do it Just believe!
The fact that is bothers you so much is a good thing! God Bless..hang in there.

Tiredman

Back on the horse my friend

Dee74

Hi honkbert

I think it's really important to remember that you haven't lost all you achieved and learned in those 60 days - I think sometimes we can put too much store on our day count.

Getting sober is hard - sometimes we falter - maybe try thinking of it not so much as failure but simply a sign that you need to reexamine your approach next time.

and please...do look at this link if you feel like you might be a danger to yourself. There's a lot to read and a list of numbers to call in there:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

D

honkbert

I appreciate the hugs. Unfortunately, it's not the Jameson talking. I live next to a train yard. For the last two weeks (sober) I've fantasized about killing myself using the incoming trains.

Thanksgiving was my first sober holiday. It didn't make me want to drink, it made me feel very uncomfortable and disconnected. I do not accept that way of living.

Delilah1

I think you should read Dee's post and try one of those numbers. I am sorry you are having a tough time right now, but look how many people have posted because they care about you. We may not know you in person, but this is a community of amazing people who truly do care.

dktrfaustus

Better drunk than dead. But, I mean, you lived 58 days without alcohol ! 60 is just a theorical number. Later you will be able to make your mind about why this happened and what else would have been making feel better. If you want to get back to sobriety, you don't start from day 0, but day 58, you had a badluck on your path and it's up to you to know why !
Take care buddy

Jeni26

Hang in there. I've been in your shoes. Early recovery is hard, but worth it.
Please continue to talk, is there someone you could call who could come round and sit with you for a while.
You're not alone, you're never alone.
Call someone. Use Dee's numbers.
Tomorrow is a new day. You can do this. We all care for you.
Someone on another thread said when you shine a light on, someone will respond from another part of the planet and shine one right back at you. I'm here, others are here.
You are worth it x

honkbert

I've been making AA meetings every day. Unfortunately I don't feel anything spiritual. I've been doing everything that was suggested of me. I've been making meetings, calling my sponsor, reading the Big Book, etc.. I still feel alone.

This is how I know a god does not exist. What kind of ****** up deity would create beings in its image that are chemically tuned to struggle with existence?

Dee74

Living sober, and learning to be happy that way, is a skill like anything else Honkbert.
It takes time to be developed.

I'm sure, like all of us, you spent a lot longer than 58 days getting drunk...

Things can and do get better - but we need a little faith and a little patience - and sometimes a little support too.

I needed to deal with not only my alcohol problem but an underlying depression too.

I really recommend you get some help about the suicidal ideations - even if it's just calling a crisis number for now.

D

Woohoo

Please call someone ...you won't feel so alone. Take Dee's advice...you need to understand why you feel the way you do and why you are thinking this way. Big hugs!!

Rosiepetal

Just put it behind you & start again.
You've done awesome so far.
Hugs.

honkbert

Thank you everyone

Jeni26

How are you feeling today?x

Junebugapril

Hi Honk,
Sorry you are feeling so blue. Years ago I was terribly depressed. I still have problems with it but it is much better now with a daily dose of Prozac. I wonder if an antideppresant might be a good idea for you.
JunebugApril

heath480

Sorry to hear how you are struggling honkbert.

A visit to the Doctor would be a good idea.

Get back to the meetings and call your sponsor.

The AA programme is wonderful but it wont fix everything,sometimes medical help is necessary.


Hope today is better for you and I wish you well.

hypochondriac

I think it's worth pointing out that being sober isn't the problem here, it's the years of drinking. It's a bit like saying that alcohol withdrawal will kill you so you just don't stop drinking. You wouldn't get withdrawals if you hadn't drank first.

I think it's a classic example of us alcoholics ascribing magical powers to alcohol. Alcohol causes more problems than those it covers up. I feel sh;tty sober, but it will get better if I work at it.

One thing I would have done differently though. I felt bad but there was no way I would take medication for depression or even cravings... I thought it was just trading one thing for another. But it's a big transition and I/we have our whole lives to be sober. I would talk to your doctor and see if they could recommend something to help. Suicidal thoughts should be taken seriously x

tomsteve

you may want to change yer conception of yer God. the God of my understanding doesnt do that. he is one who helps me solve my problems.
have you been putting in any of the footwork the big book suggests?
hve you been rigorously honset with your sponsor and others about how you are feeling?
in early recovery i had to leave one set of footprints in the sand and they werent mine.

there is also the chance that there is a deeper problem goin on, one that alcohol masked and outside help may be necessary.
i highly suggest callin yer sponsor and being honest.

them feelings didnt start leaving me until i put in the footwork of the steps.

prayers yer way and hope ya make it back.

honkbert

Later this month I will have 7 years sober. Life today is really good. Even in the middle of a pandemic I have developed coping skills through therapy and AA. I'm sorry that it took me almost 8 years to respond back to any of you. Thank you for replying when you did. I remember feeling connected.