I use to say living well under the influence, Now....
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Phoenix Az.
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I use to say living well under the influence, Now....
Living well? Away from the influence.
Well Here I am! I haven't been here for a long time, and not the same person returning....
It started (or stopped if you will) over a year and 1/2 ago. (Not what I wanted) But what had happened.
I left him. (Dilbert AND or David) Tried to go back but he wouldn't let me! Sometimes I still miss him, ( but was it because cause of the influence he could give?) Sometimes I hate him, but "mostly" I'm grateful he never let me back in. Why didn't he help? I'll never know. Was really hard to move on. I must have been more trouble then I was worth. Whatever the reason, I'm sober! Not by choice but by circumstance. Let me explain...
I ended up couch surfing via "Craigslist" (Thank god for CL!) Met some good people. They took me in and I stayed 'till I started to "Need" then would look for a different couch to surf hoping there would be some relief available. There never was... I started thinking walking main street in Mesa for money and or what i needed just might work. After all I was sexy, smart, crafty, clever, The smartest bitch you'll ever know right? Well then I thought about my kids! Wow wouldn't they be proud?!!! How to explain: Got my own "Hoe~tel" on Main st. and with what money? and mom your still..... Yea wouldn't fly. There very smart kids and know me living well under and well under the influence! If my kids weren't everything to me, I TOTALLY would have gone that route! I meet a few girls that were working that lifestyle and doing well and hey I was way better then they were! They were totally disconnected from there children and family's. All my kids stayed constantly in my life even at my worst and would never let go. I guess I just couldn't disappoint them anymore that I was. (tho they never said that!) My daughter would bring me the grand baby to visit so I could be in her life when I could never take the time to stop the influence to go visit them. She gave me that! Respect. I cry I as I write this.
Well.... I ended in the mental ward of St. Luke's for a month after loosing my mind struggling from being dragged away from living under the influence, (well or not). No money, not influence dealing boyfriend, and not able to take it to the streets, my health and mental health rapidly deteriorated. I was hopeless. I couldn't be a burden to my children! I WOULDN'T! I was always a "kept woman" (a friend called it chronic relationships) and at the time, a job? Right! Couldn't think in terms of normalcy! It's just not possible if you ever go through what I was going through! So I ended up in the hospital "with a plan" Yea I was ready to call it quits! I figured it was best for everyone! If you know the "program" you'll know the saying, "hospitals, institutions, and jail oh my" Thank god and because of my children I was able to stay out of "jail" but like I said I was heading that way.
Thank god for ST. Luke's!!! They sedated all the feeling and turned me into a zombie for a month and sometime after with after care! It didn't take and back to the hospital I went for another month! Needed a few more skills to even think to start down that road.
After that the order of which what came next gets hazy. I think I moved in with my estranged mom and dad because my dad would come visit me in the hospital even though we had not talked for years. (I LOVE YOU DADDY) Then went into a halfway house thinking that would be the push I needed to get on with life. At this point my children said the dreaded word that burn me to this day.... "Mom, we're so proud of you" ****! How do you go back after that. This isn't something I chose! But now I could never want them to take that back! Anyway...Kinda freaked out at the 1/2 way house, and a friend (from CL) (I'll call him Paul")lol and "Crossroads for women" helped me get into another hospital called "Aurora" (no Smoking facility) (EASH!) I was there 3 weeks then they found me a program called "Life Well" Wow I was there about 3 weeks and boy is that the worse Rehab EVER! Kinda a mind erasing cult!
I'm way to rebellious to be brain washed by ANY authority! So I called my dad on one of "our allotted, once a week, 5 min phone calls, under a counselor supervision, And said "DAD COME PICK ME UP!" And he did! We went straight to my favorite places: "Circle k" and had a 44 oz coke (no caffeine in rehab) shook with nervousness from the caffeine for hours and smoked one cigarette after another! I do recommend "life well" for young mothers but not old burn outs that have been there and done that! A few day's to a week I was back on the hunt for a place to "start over" Mom and me are like "oil and water", and that's all I'll say about that! SO back to "Craigslist" again. Looking for a savior, a "Captain save a hoe" if you will. and or a place/person(s) to care take in exchange for room. Met and stayed with some good and some bad people. Nothing long term! Well I got nothing to show for it. Except a few friends that wish me well.
The whole time under a doctors care and medications. (I have dropped the Doc. and Meds. about a year out from under the influence) I dont see the difference in me on or off. So I figure all the diagnoses (there was a long list too!) had faded away with time and no influence. Time heals MOST wounds!
Well Now folk, Family, and friends... Here I sit hiding away from the world. I'm not the person I was, that person ("living "well" under the influence") SHE could move mountains in my eyes, sociable, motivated, creative, driven. Now just a shell. When I was going through the gambit of "help" I thought WITHOUT the influence would bring rewards through God! Yes I got huge respect from my children but a "new life", a "happy ever after" well it never happen. God helps those who help them self's and well I lack that motivation to move on. so here I sit.
I'm sure (I hope) my journey doesn't end here! I really ****** this whole thing up! My kids say "Why dont you get a job?" I'm so afraid to tell them I cant! They would then ask "Why?" And I wouldn't have ONE good reason. I have theory's but to them they would all sound like excuses. They young and still motivated, just pups starting out in life and cant walk a mile in my shoes! I hope and Pray they never will!
I need to find that person again! But without the influence!
I want to Thank my children for everything and my beautiful Grand baby's for the reason the sun rises and sets for me! Sadly some are not so lucky!
That's all I got for now "Out from under the influence".
Well Here I am! I haven't been here for a long time, and not the same person returning....
It started (or stopped if you will) over a year and 1/2 ago. (Not what I wanted) But what had happened.
I left him. (Dilbert AND or David) Tried to go back but he wouldn't let me! Sometimes I still miss him, ( but was it because cause of the influence he could give?) Sometimes I hate him, but "mostly" I'm grateful he never let me back in. Why didn't he help? I'll never know. Was really hard to move on. I must have been more trouble then I was worth. Whatever the reason, I'm sober! Not by choice but by circumstance. Let me explain...
I ended up couch surfing via "Craigslist" (Thank god for CL!) Met some good people. They took me in and I stayed 'till I started to "Need" then would look for a different couch to surf hoping there would be some relief available. There never was... I started thinking walking main street in Mesa for money and or what i needed just might work. After all I was sexy, smart, crafty, clever, The smartest bitch you'll ever know right? Well then I thought about my kids! Wow wouldn't they be proud?!!! How to explain: Got my own "Hoe~tel" on Main st. and with what money? and mom your still..... Yea wouldn't fly. There very smart kids and know me living well under and well under the influence! If my kids weren't everything to me, I TOTALLY would have gone that route! I meet a few girls that were working that lifestyle and doing well and hey I was way better then they were! They were totally disconnected from there children and family's. All my kids stayed constantly in my life even at my worst and would never let go. I guess I just couldn't disappoint them anymore that I was. (tho they never said that!) My daughter would bring me the grand baby to visit so I could be in her life when I could never take the time to stop the influence to go visit them. She gave me that! Respect. I cry I as I write this.
Well.... I ended in the mental ward of St. Luke's for a month after loosing my mind struggling from being dragged away from living under the influence, (well or not). No money, not influence dealing boyfriend, and not able to take it to the streets, my health and mental health rapidly deteriorated. I was hopeless. I couldn't be a burden to my children! I WOULDN'T! I was always a "kept woman" (a friend called it chronic relationships) and at the time, a job? Right! Couldn't think in terms of normalcy! It's just not possible if you ever go through what I was going through! So I ended up in the hospital "with a plan" Yea I was ready to call it quits! I figured it was best for everyone! If you know the "program" you'll know the saying, "hospitals, institutions, and jail oh my" Thank god and because of my children I was able to stay out of "jail" but like I said I was heading that way.
Thank god for ST. Luke's!!! They sedated all the feeling and turned me into a zombie for a month and sometime after with after care! It didn't take and back to the hospital I went for another month! Needed a few more skills to even think to start down that road.
After that the order of which what came next gets hazy. I think I moved in with my estranged mom and dad because my dad would come visit me in the hospital even though we had not talked for years. (I LOVE YOU DADDY) Then went into a halfway house thinking that would be the push I needed to get on with life. At this point my children said the dreaded word that burn me to this day.... "Mom, we're so proud of you" ****! How do you go back after that. This isn't something I chose! But now I could never want them to take that back! Anyway...Kinda freaked out at the 1/2 way house, and a friend (from CL) (I'll call him Paul")lol and "Crossroads for women" helped me get into another hospital called "Aurora" (no Smoking facility) (EASH!) I was there 3 weeks then they found me a program called "Life Well" Wow I was there about 3 weeks and boy is that the worse Rehab EVER! Kinda a mind erasing cult!
I'm way to rebellious to be brain washed by ANY authority! So I called my dad on one of "our allotted, once a week, 5 min phone calls, under a counselor supervision, And said "DAD COME PICK ME UP!" And he did! We went straight to my favorite places: "Circle k" and had a 44 oz coke (no caffeine in rehab) shook with nervousness from the caffeine for hours and smoked one cigarette after another! I do recommend "life well" for young mothers but not old burn outs that have been there and done that! A few day's to a week I was back on the hunt for a place to "start over" Mom and me are like "oil and water", and that's all I'll say about that! SO back to "Craigslist" again. Looking for a savior, a "Captain save a hoe" if you will. and or a place/person(s) to care take in exchange for room. Met and stayed with some good and some bad people. Nothing long term! Well I got nothing to show for it. Except a few friends that wish me well.
The whole time under a doctors care and medications. (I have dropped the Doc. and Meds. about a year out from under the influence) I dont see the difference in me on or off. So I figure all the diagnoses (there was a long list too!) had faded away with time and no influence. Time heals MOST wounds!
Well Now folk, Family, and friends... Here I sit hiding away from the world. I'm not the person I was, that person ("living "well" under the influence") SHE could move mountains in my eyes, sociable, motivated, creative, driven. Now just a shell. When I was going through the gambit of "help" I thought WITHOUT the influence would bring rewards through God! Yes I got huge respect from my children but a "new life", a "happy ever after" well it never happen. God helps those who help them self's and well I lack that motivation to move on. so here I sit.
I'm sure (I hope) my journey doesn't end here! I really ****** this whole thing up! My kids say "Why dont you get a job?" I'm so afraid to tell them I cant! They would then ask "Why?" And I wouldn't have ONE good reason. I have theory's but to them they would all sound like excuses. They young and still motivated, just pups starting out in life and cant walk a mile in my shoes! I hope and Pray they never will!
I need to find that person again! But without the influence!
I want to Thank my children for everything and my beautiful Grand baby's for the reason the sun rises and sets for me! Sadly some are not so lucky!
That's all I got for now "Out from under the influence".
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