GettingBy

I need to puke a bunch of stuff out... Bear with me.

I'm divorced. It's not what I wanted but it is the right choice for me. It's been a year and a half in the works. The papers were finally signed by the judge a month or so ago. I am coming to terms with the reality. My kids are too, slowly. My 6yo asked me last week when daddy and I were going to move back in together - she wants us to have another baby... She wants a sister. I explained that thats not possible and she walked away disappointed.

The next day my XAH called because he wanted to talk to me that he had a "serious" girlfriend. Theyve been dating almost 3 months and he feels it's time for her to meet our children. He's been living at her house with her two daughters... "so dont worry because she is the mother figure they need right now."

I had a severe control reaction ... So typical of our relationship. I tried hard to stop him and tell him what to do. My therapist called me out on it. Darn. We spoke again, I explained my concerns and then I did the only other thing left... I let go. Live and let live.

My emotions are all over the place. Fear - insane, unrational, codependent fear... What if the kids like her more? (crazy right?!?). Projection - what's going to happen when they break up?!? Anger/jealousy- how the hell can he be in a relationship already? It's too soon. It's so unhealthy for the kids. It's so typical of an alcoholic to run right out and find a replacement.


All that... Is me focusing on the wrong things. I know but I also need to be honest with myself. I need to acknowledge it so I can heal and grow. I'm proud of my path. My choices. I'm getting healthy. I'd love to have a relationship but I want to have it when I'm in a better place... And with someone who appreciates AND deserves someone as awesome as me... And so far, I have not met him!!


I'm thankful for my life. Thankful for my recovery... But it doesn't mean everything is peachy keen. It just means I learn to practice Acceptance each and every day.


Thanks for listening
Shannon

ZiggyB

Hi-
I totally understand what you are going through! After my separation, my exh found another girlfriend about two months after I moved out. He ended up marrying this person and had kids with her. He was not an alcoholic but I was still very unhappy about it, felt jealous, sad, how could he replace me, etc. It just sucks. All you can do is let go and try taking care of yourself.

jessiec

I really respect your honesty and your ability to see this painful situation with such clear perspective! Rest assured these are qualities your children will certainly like, love and respect you for greatly! (I can't imagine the same can be said for a woman who lets an alcoholic live with her and her two children after three months of dating?! YIKES!)

Hugs.

Jazzman

Having been married twice an doing the blended family thing I can tell you this is just the beginning. But you have a good therapist and a good head on your shoulders.

For years children want their parents to get back together, it's normal. You will have a ex wife (your ex's current relationship regardless of legal status) in the picture sooner or later. Bad mouthing your ex wife in front of the kids only makes things worse for them. Might as well start getting use to the idea of things like the ex wife getting involved in co-parenting, parent teacher meetings, Christmas present coordinating, vacation and holiday schedule coordinating, etc. These all come with the territory of divorce. This current ex wife is no way a threat to your role as your daughters mother.

None of these things will impact your relationship with your daughters as long as you keep any personal bias to yourself. Basically taking the high road to a whole new level. Not easy but I know your are smart and have your daughters best interests as your top priority. You'll be OK.

Both my ex's had such a loathing for each other they found it impossible to keep it from my boys. My oldest saw it for what it was and shrugged it off but it really messed with my youngest son for a couple years.

GettingBy

Thank you all so much!! Thank you, especially, to you Jazzman.

I KNOW that taking the high road is the best thing - its certainly not the easy road though I am aware of how harmful a bad attitude would be for my children... Gotta keep focused on the right path. Because you're right, this is the reality of divorce.

I'm so grateful to be healthy enough to step back and see this as a growth opportunity. I feel so much better when I take the high road ... No icky, morning after hung over feeling like when I overindulge my emotions!!!

lizatola

The high road is never easy, I still have trouble climbing up there. You know what the truth is, and I hear your strength in your post. It's so hard because it's out of our control, but I guess it's just another lesson for us to learn to turn that control over to a Higher Power and let it go. I'm sorry you're hurting and going through all the emotions of the after-divorce stuff. Yet, each day will get better!

LaTeeDa

"Settling into reality," such a great title for this thread. You know, acceptance doesn't mean that everything goes as we want it to. It means that we stop driving ourselves insane trying to make it that way. Your post is full of sanity and clear thinking. We still have ups and downs, joy and pain, but the way we deal with them is different. You will be fine, your kids will be fine and I have nothing but pity for the poor woman your AH hooked up with.

L

LifeRecovery

I am just coming to understand that there is a difference between detaching from the behavior of an addicted individual....and understanding that their behavior has impacted you.

I have been lumping the two together for a long time, and am finally starting to realize that though I don't have to engage....I do get to be impacted and have feelings about it.

That has been a new twist on all this for me. The feelings are mine, what I do with it is mine, but thanks for showing me another example of this to help.

ZiggyB

This is so great... I admit I am having problems getting to acceptance myself recently. It's hard enough for me to accept myself, lol. I'm working on it though!

Tuffgirl

GB, you rock! And I am sorry you have to rock in this fashion. I'd much rather read your posts about your dating (mis)adventures! ; )

Honestly, I have refrained from posting because I'd be 50 shades of p'od about this new woman and her children. Three months? Yeesh...there but for the grace of God go I...can you see the trainwreck ahead?

Thankfully, your kids have you to be their constant. They are going to need you and your home to come back to and have some normalcy. Keep up the good recovery work; you are going to need it in the years to come.

Hang in there,
~T

GettingBy

Haha!! Love it Tuffgirl!! It's been very quiet on the dating scene since the vandal incident!!!

That said... I did get asked out last week!!! A long time friend whom I went out to dinner with twice early in the summer. He called to see if I had seen "Wicked"... Which I had... So he said, "Wanna see it again with ME?" Cute. So we are going this Friday and will probably have dinner before.

So... I have that lined up for this Friday evening! I'm looking forward to some good food, entertainment and quality adult conversation He's an engineer too so we speak the same geeky language


Oh yeah, and as for the situation... It's a total train wreck that I can see for miles away. So, like any disaster, I'm prepping my emergency response procedures so I am there for my kids!

Tuffgirl

I'm from a family of engineers...I understand the geek thing well. My brother fixed my truck battery with tinfoil and duct tape - it worked for another 6 months!

Glad to hear you can take all this in stride. I was kind of blown away at the idea that 3 months into a relationship - he's living with her and her children and has determined her to be the "mother figure your kids need right now" Excuse me while I vomit.

What an idiot!

Sad thing is - your kids are going to see through this stuff in no time. My daughters are very good at calling people's BS these days...they called it with my exA before I did. They called it with their Dad's exGF and baby momma (yeah, joy on that one, poor kid).

I hope that sooner, rather than later, your ex can stop the madness, for those kids' sake.

Keep us posted on your adventures! I have to live vicariously through others as I have officially committed to 9 months of hard study to finish a graduate program. No boys allowed until I successfully defend my thesis! ; )

Florence

Whenever my ex pulled some crazy stuff on DS, I reminded myself over and over that he was only over there 4 days a month. The rest of the time he was under my influence, and whatever my faults are (plenty!) at least I wasn't deluded about his best interests.