willow11

My sister passed away 2 weeks ago, I am really struggling to come to terms with her illness and feel so angry.

I had been to see my doctor in the past to discuss how I could get help for her or force her into treatment, and was told it had to be her decision to get treatment(which she did do a few times), but maybe she wasn't capable of accepting treatment or getting better, isn't part of the disease that you don't think u have a problem or cant see you have a problem...

why is it ok for a doctor to dismiss an alcohol problem as a choice, I really don't believe she had a choice, she lost everything and she wouldn't have given up on her life and family if she wasn't depressed and ill...

WishingWell

I also don't see it as a "choice" in the logical term. Once someone gets past stage #2 of addiction - they are ADDICTED. That's the definition of addiction. You can't quit, your mind in altered by a chemical. Where it gets confusing is that until they have that sliver of light, a break through, they won't stop. And no one can make them stop. It's very confusing, baffling illness, which is why the medical establishment still doesn't know how to treat it.

There is no black and white. You could have gotten her into treatment and a week later, she'd walk out mid-course, go to a bar and drink herself to death. It's all heartbreaking, addiction is a monster.

All my deepest sympathies are with you, I hope you will find peace!

velma929

I can see why many (not all, in spite of the hype) call it a disease. If your parent, child, spouse, had cancer, would you think you caused it? That you could cure it? Of course not. It is an excellent way for the family to deal with alcoholism, so they aren't saddled with guilt or remorse that they should have "fixed" the problem.

On the choice side: I do blame my husband, a tiny bit, for his choice to do nothing about the situation that caused him to lose three jobs in six years. The only "treatment" for alcoholism is for the alcoholic to change his or her behavior, specifically to stop drinking. He knew he had a problem, since 2 DUIs and 3 lost jobs, and your spouse threatening to leave don't "just happen".

Changing her behavior will not change my friend's diagnosis of diabetes.
Changing his behavior will not cure my colleague's glaucoma.
Changing behavior will not cure my cousin's epilepsy.
Changing behavior won't cure the chronic arthritis that crippled another co-worker.
Changing behavior won't change the outcome of a friend's leukemia.

As for depression, drinking exacerbates it. As I mentioned in a recent post, a friend of mine stopped being depressed when he stopped drinking. I never say depression is always caused by drinking, but I'd bet good money that quitting makes it less severe.

willow11

Thank you velma I do see alcoholism as a disease but it hasn't for one second stopped me feeling guilt or helped me deal with the 'situation'.

Rose2012

I can't speak for everyone, but I know that in my case it is a choice. I suffer depression, anxiety and ptsd and drinking made it all worse, but I still made the choice to pick up that wine glass over and over instead of just saying no. I personally have been weak. I am now much stronger and my choice is never to drink again. Again, I'm referring to me, not your sister.

BrokenHeartWife

Willow....so sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved sister.

I really do not know much about alcoholism because my side of the family never had any, and my AH kept his drinking so hidden that I was largely unaware of what was going on...and knowing "when" he moved from Stage 1 to Stage 2. (does anyone know where I can read more about Stage 1 and Stage 2)??? I had never heard about that before.

I just assumed that some people have a bio weakness for alcohol.

DoubleBarrel

I have thought about this a lot.
Surely no one would choose this illness.
I think the reality is, some of us cannot choose whether or not to drink, once it grips us.

The ones who escape are lucky.
I've been debating lately whether it really has any benefit, even for controlled drinkers.
My wife doesn't drink, to support me, and although she has never had a single addiction, she says she's much better off without it.

Freedom1990

Willow, I am so sorry for your profound loss, and gentle hugs to you.

As an alcoholic/addict in recovery for many years, I can tell you it was not my "choice" to become an alcoholic. There is a strong genetic predisposition on both sides of my family. I was brought up with dysfunctional beliefs and coping skills. I had what I call a God-shaped hole inside of me.

I tell people I needed a drink long before I picked it up.

It was my coping mechanism for years. It kept me from blowing my brains out but in the end I came very close to death.

After four years clean/sober, I picked up again. I had been through inpatient rehab and plenty of AA/NA meetings so I knew what I needed to do. I had to make a choice to once again surrender and drag myself to meetings, work the steps, work with others, use my sponsor instead of shutting him out, etc.

It is a treatable disease, and you said your sister had had some sort of treatment in the past.

I have been dealing with anger of my own as a lady I used to sponsor in AA was found dead recently. She knew where the help was. She didn't have to die. She just couldn't surrender fully.

Please be gentle with yourself and know we are here to support you in any way that we can.

Seren

Willow

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Please accept my deepest sympathies.

Pelican

I believe it is dismissed because drinking is a socially accepted concept. Some of the professional's we pay to heal, help, assist us (doctors, lawyers, counselors, etc) are also partaking of alcohol as a socially accepted concept.

I felt like I was the only sober person in my state when I tried to find a lawyer to file for divorce on my behalf based on abuse of alcohol as grounds for petitioning the court for divorce. My first consultation left me feeling hopeless. My second consultation was much better.

BoxinRotz

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my sister to a drug over dose on March 25th of this year. She is always on my mind. I feel your pain.

jessiec

I'm sorry for your pain.

Alcoholism isn't a choice. But seeking treatment is.

Hopeworks

Hi Willow,

My father's death certificate read cause of death : alcoholism and he did simply drink himself to death. He lost his entire family and lived a miserable lonely tortured life but never did one single thing... ever... to address his drinking problem.

I still deal with the family dynamics and relationships and my bizarre twisted relationship with my very complicated and cruel father to this day and I left home 35 years ago!

Alcoholism and addiction is the most complicated and difficult disease to treat on the planet because it is physical, emotional, mental and spiritual and all parts must be dealt with by the addict themselves. Rehabs and programs can help put them on the path to recovery but they cannot do the work that has to be done by the alcoholic that is quite frankly hard.

It is learning to control the ego, surrender to your HP, find mentors/disciplers/sponsors and submit to their wisdom, knowledge and following the path of recovery and the hardest part of all: breaking up with the drug of choice for life.

I think that is what is the hardest part... they simply think that drink or drug is like oxygen is to us... like gulping air... their broken brains feed this thought and when they give in to the alcoholic voice it "rewards" their choice with lit up brain chemicals that feel like we do when we are getting massaged in a hot tub watching fireworks going off.

It is baffling to fight a broken brain that is working against recovery. However, the peace we find as codependents is found as we realize that we cannot control or manipulate the life of our loved one. Their HP knows what they need and if they will find the way out or if they like my father and your sister die in their addiction. If our loved ones want to .... really want to... find their way out... their HP will make it available to them.

I have seen this happen. I have seen it in my own life. My father died but my XA is in strong recovery right now going to meetings daily. It would take too long to share the story of his insane alcoholism, my raging codenpendency and how our HP (we share ours) is now working out our recoveries on different parts of the planet.

We are still connected at some special level and we are walking out our recoveries but I have no desire or illusions that the "fairy tale" is just around the corner. He has hopes that someday we will reconcile but that would be a huge step backwards for my codie self.

BUT... I now understand myself and him and I understand alcoholism to a degree and that is understanding that simply can't understand it fully. It is a horrible disease that devastates... but know that had your dear sister truly wanted to put down that drink forever... her HP would have made it possible for her without your help.

I truly believe that. Do not second guess what you may or may not have done to change the outcome. She is at peace and now you must find peace for yourself.

Have you tried alanon? Grief counseling? I strongly, strongly recommend alanon.
It can be a great help sorting all this out for your own peace of mind.

Prayers your way my friend.

redatlanta

In trying to describe alcoholism to me my AH said drinking to him was like holding your breath under water until you almost passed out and then rushing toward the surface for a gasp of air - he needed it to live.

It wasn't until he nearly died that he said enough can't live like this anymore. Then, I guess, it became a choice.

He relapsed this summer after 10 years sober. Right now we are at 2 weeks sober again. I was SOOOOO angry, hurt, devastated.

I refer back to something else he told me which is since I am not an alcoholic or addict I can never understand it completely. That I agree with and am thankful for.

Some things in this life just aren't meant for understanding but I do believe no one would choose to be an alcoholic or addict .

So sorry about your sister....hugs to you.

aasharon90

For me, there was no choice in seeking help
for what ailed me. In fact I had no idea I was
that sick to begin with. I thought it was unhappiness
in my marriage, childhood, and everything in
between that I drank over.

Back in August 1990 after returning home from
a club in the wee hours, another aurgument with
my spouse, that very moment I made a conconscience
decision under the enfluence of alcohol to down
a bunch of pain pills just so I didnt have to face
being a failure one more time.

After failure to wake up by my kids, red flags flew
high with worry from my family and they sought
professional help and thus a family intervention
took place where the authorities were issued to
pick me up and taken to a hospital for mental
evalution.

After passing all physcological test that first day,
I was told I had a drinking problem and spent 28
days in rehab to learn about my alcoholism and
was given the tools and knowledge before being
set on a path of recovery incoperating them in my
everyday life.

That was 22 yrs ago where I have live one day
at a time with thos recovery gifts passing on my
own experiences, strengths and hopes of what
my life has been like before, during and after my
drinking career.

Yes, it was my choice to take those tools handed
to me in rehab and put them to good use in order
to stay and remain sober each day. A choice to live
a happier, joyous , freer life filled with rewards that
have blessed me each sober day.

tomsteve

my condolences for your loss.

yes, part of the disease is denial. for me, alcoholism is a disease that told me i dont have a disease, everythings allright, keep on drinkin. it is/was a liar.

doctors saying it is a choice could be a lack of information on their part.
for me, there may have been a time early on i could have chosen to not drink, but i crossed a line and lost the choice. it was then that the disease was making the choice.

alcoholics under control of the disease arent bad people, they are sick.

onlythetruth

My sympathies for your loss.

My feeling, as a formerly addicted person myself (and as others have said) is that nobody chooses to have an addiction.

But addictive behaviors are, of course, voluntary actions. Nobody throws us down and pours alcohol down our throats, sticks needles in our arms, etc. And so we DO have the choice to stop those behaviors.

Is it EASY to make this choice and carry it through? No, in fact many of us will tell you it's that hardest thing we've ever done. But it is possible.

By contrast, there are absolutely conditions where the sufferer truly has no choice over either getting the condition or recovering from it. Alzheimers dementia comes to mind, as my mother has it. She did not ask for this, and no amount of action, desire, willingness, spiritual enlightenment, prayer, or anything else will save her. She will die of this unless she is "fortunate" and dies of something else first. This is a far different thing from addiction, where the suffer is able through voluntary action to change their condition.

outonalimb

I am very sorry about the los of your sister. I lost my brother to a drug overdose 7 years ago. I had so many conflicting emotions in the months that followed. Mostly, I bounced back and forth between extreme sadness and extreme anger that he died the way he did. I also lost my marriage to addiction. My exah -the man I loved so deeply and the man who was my best friend -slowly turned into someone else. I don't recognize him anymore. I had to grieve the loss of my marriage too. It was as if someone had died. although my exah is still out there walking around, the man I married died long ago.

Addiction is a disease. It's a horrible, deadly, patient, cunning, baffling, and sad disease. Like most mental illnesses, the person who has it has to be WILLING to seek treatment but denial often prevents them from seeking the help that is available to them. The denial is what make it such a horrible and many times untreatable illness.

My heart goes out to you. I know you're searching for answers but sometimes they don't exists. Take gentle loving care of yourself and know that it will get easier wtih the passage of time. There are days where I am overcome with grief at the loss of my brother...the loss and the ache never completely go away...but time has a way of lightening the burden.

Hugs...and undertanding...
Mary

willow11

thankyou for your honest and moving replies

but I just want to scream... my head is in such a mess

I really don't believe I will ever come to terms with my loss or my sisters alcoholism or ever believe is was something she could control, such a waste of a life and a family, such a destructive disease and sadly still dealing with new ramifications everyday...

Madtown

Very sorry about your loss.

Makes me wonder, at what point is a person able to contact some authority, or emergency services, if you are concerned about your loved ones usage? Kind of an "involutary committal" type of thing, but with no outward threats made. If the addict is in denial, and it's a sickness they didn't choose, can medical personnel step in at any point without the persons consent?