Why Do I Torture Myself?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
Why Do I Torture Myself?
For those that do not already know my story:
The short version is that my XAGF whom I had been with for many years
fell out of love with me and in love with someone else within two weeks out of rehab.
They are both in sober living.
She met him, fell in love, and became boyfriend/ girlfriend within two weeks.
I have been doing fairly well.
I have been going to Al Anon.
I have been no contact for close to five weeks.
Which included her birthday that had just come up recently. It was hard not to contact her.
But I resisted. And I felt good about that.
I have in general been doing a pretty good job of taking the focus off her.
And placing it on me. Where it belongs.
I was feeling really down on Thanksgiving.
She was supposed to be there.
So instead I had to explain too many family and friends that she was not there because we are no longer together.
Then later that night I looked at her Facebook page to see if there was any indication of where she spent it.
And there posted was a picture of the two of them arms around each other,
taken at the sober living facility captioned "In Love on Thanksgiving."
It took an already depressing evening and made it ten times worse.
I have been doing so well.
What possessed me to go to her page just to torture myself?
The short version is that my XAGF whom I had been with for many years
fell out of love with me and in love with someone else within two weeks out of rehab.
They are both in sober living.
She met him, fell in love, and became boyfriend/ girlfriend within two weeks.
I have been doing fairly well.
I have been going to Al Anon.
I have been no contact for close to five weeks.
Which included her birthday that had just come up recently. It was hard not to contact her.
But I resisted. And I felt good about that.
I have in general been doing a pretty good job of taking the focus off her.
And placing it on me. Where it belongs.
I was feeling really down on Thanksgiving.
She was supposed to be there.
So instead I had to explain too many family and friends that she was not there because we are no longer together.
Then later that night I looked at her Facebook page to see if there was any indication of where she spent it.
And there posted was a picture of the two of them arms around each other,
taken at the sober living facility captioned "In Love on Thanksgiving."
It took an already depressing evening and made it ten times worse.
I have been doing so well.
What possessed me to go to her page just to torture myself?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 138
I did the same thing looking at my ex-abf and his girlfriends fb pages! Its hard and I knew just like you it's not worth it but we do it anyway. You are human. Keep working hard and it will go back to the focus your working on.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 22
I don't know why but I do it too. I think maybe because they are like a drug and we are going through the uncomfortable process of withdrawl. Looking at her page is like taking a hit of the drug. And then when we do take a hit, it reminds of how bad we feel when we do.
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
Block her facebook page. The great thing about blocking is that you can't see them either, no matter how hard you try.
I mean, you can always unblock her, but in my personal experience, I would argue with myself for a few minutes, and then the urge would pass. Then my ABF would remain blocked.
I mean, you can always unblock her, but in my personal experience, I would argue with myself for a few minutes, and then the urge would pass. Then my ABF would remain blocked.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi,
I am sorry, I know how hard it is to break away....
I did something similar today too because I went to the Twitter page of a friend of the ex. He said they were "celebrating" his birthday with a picnic, which most likely means lots of booze since all of them love to drink. I felt angry and sad and we have been broken up for 4+ months! I hope he is happy, no doubt he is drinking like a fish and smoking as well. I need to resist the urge to check up on what he is doing myself.
Dealing with the loneliness sucks but hang in there....
I am sorry, I know how hard it is to break away....
I did something similar today too because I went to the Twitter page of a friend of the ex. He said they were "celebrating" his birthday with a picnic, which most likely means lots of booze since all of them love to drink. I felt angry and sad and we have been broken up for 4+ months! I hope he is happy, no doubt he is drinking like a fish and smoking as well. I need to resist the urge to check up on what he is doing myself.
Dealing with the loneliness sucks but hang in there....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
What made you go to her facebook?
Because you care, that's why.
You put a lot into the relationship & now it's gone.
You are going through the healing process.
I'm so sorry it hurt you.
You're right you are doing well.
Just keep doing what you're doing & eventually the urge to see what's happening in her life will get less.
Hang in there my friend.
Hugs.
Because you care, that's why.
You put a lot into the relationship & now it's gone.
You are going through the healing process.
I'm so sorry it hurt you.
You're right you are doing well.
Just keep doing what you're doing & eventually the urge to see what's happening in her life will get less.
Hang in there my friend.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
I know how you feel. I used to do it too and torchure myself I did.!! I have now de-activated my facebook account so that I am forced to stay away from all that and 'mind my own business' . I struggle with this choice everyday and cannot feel the benefit yet but I convince myself that i have planted good seeds and they will flourish eventually. You are not alone 
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 138
Cause your addicted to her. We codies become as sick as the addicts themselves.
Interesting ~
My AH tells his therapist and others that he's "addicted" to me. I wasn't sure what that meant. It seemed (to me) that he's claiming that I'm "bad" but he can't resist me because of his addiction.
As for codies becoming addicted ~ What do you mean by that. Is that because we hate to give up on family members? When you've been a long-term spouse or the parent of someone who is an alcoholic, it's hard to just walk away.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
Thank you all for your responses.
Practically everyone with experience or expertise has told me that she will be back.
Not because she will have some incredible epiphany about her love for me, but because most likely her new relationship will end badly or in relapse.
The part that is the hardest for me to get over is that she could dispose of me so quickly and effortlessly.
Whether me looking her up is codependency, addiction or just plain loving her, one thing is clear I must move on.
No more looking her up.
My life only gets better without her in it.
And I must constantly remind myself that if indeed she does come back and I take her back,
she will one day dispose of me just as easily as she did this time.
Practically everyone with experience or expertise has told me that she will be back.
Not because she will have some incredible epiphany about her love for me, but because most likely her new relationship will end badly or in relapse.
The part that is the hardest for me to get over is that she could dispose of me so quickly and effortlessly.
Whether me looking her up is codependency, addiction or just plain loving her, one thing is clear I must move on.
No more looking her up.
My life only gets better without her in it.
And I must constantly remind myself that if indeed she does come back and I take her back,
she will one day dispose of me just as easily as she did this time.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Gosh I know how you feel so exhausted.
I just went out for a big power walk & kids on their bike.
For a while there every women I saw I thought "I wonder if that is her" (new girlfriend to ex).
Then I thought, what if it was?
What am I going to do?
Compare myself? See if she's prettier or slimmer than me?
I know I'm going to bump into them together real soon, it's only a matter of time as they are 2 blocks away from me. I don't know how I am going to react.
All I can do is keep working on me & getting stronger.
Everyone keeps telling me how good I look.
I too feel very replaced, as soon as we split our partners got new ones & it's not nice. It's the 2nd time that's happened to me.
With exabf, I actually feel like I never existed, there was never any love there in the first place & I feel totally used.
One things for sure soexhausted, we are both better off without them.
I just went out for a big power walk & kids on their bike.
For a while there every women I saw I thought "I wonder if that is her" (new girlfriend to ex).
Then I thought, what if it was?
What am I going to do?
Compare myself? See if she's prettier or slimmer than me?
I know I'm going to bump into them together real soon, it's only a matter of time as they are 2 blocks away from me. I don't know how I am going to react.
All I can do is keep working on me & getting stronger.
Everyone keeps telling me how good I look.
I too feel very replaced, as soon as we split our partners got new ones & it's not nice. It's the 2nd time that's happened to me.
With exabf, I actually feel like I never existed, there was never any love there in the first place & I feel totally used.
One things for sure soexhausted, we are both better off without them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
One thing I can tell you Rosiepetal is that my XAGF's new man is not very attractive.
(Not just my biased opinion. Many others have mentioned "we cannot believe that is who she is going out with." She is extremely good looking.)
There is no winning when you compare.
If they leave you for someone very attractive then you can feel inferior.
And take it from me, them leaving you for someone who is not very attractive does not make you feel any better.
Never give someone else the power to validate your worthiness.
Especially an addict!
(Not just my biased opinion. Many others have mentioned "we cannot believe that is who she is going out with." She is extremely good looking.)
There is no winning when you compare.
If they leave you for someone very attractive then you can feel inferior.
And take it from me, them leaving you for someone who is not very attractive does not make you feel any better.
Never give someone else the power to validate your worthiness.
Especially an addict!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Thanks.
I had trust issues after my ex husband & now more after my exabf.
I trusted my husband with my best friend but I was so so wrong. My best friends marriage split up, she came to us, I took her in & looked after & fed her kids & she in turn took my husband.
I got jealous of exabf & his ex because she'd tried to go with him in the start of our relationship, appeared severaL times during our relationship & made waves & now I know there was a valid reason for that jealously because he went with her as soon as I left. That & getting called by a women (not the ex)at 3.30am one morning on exabf phone saying "I'll take you home soon darling"!
I'm not sure I'll trust again, when I trusted I got burnt, when I got jealous I got burnt.
Any suggestions here?
I had trust issues after my ex husband & now more after my exabf.
I trusted my husband with my best friend but I was so so wrong. My best friends marriage split up, she came to us, I took her in & looked after & fed her kids & she in turn took my husband.
I got jealous of exabf & his ex because she'd tried to go with him in the start of our relationship, appeared severaL times during our relationship & made waves & now I know there was a valid reason for that jealously because he went with her as soon as I left. That & getting called by a women (not the ex)at 3.30am one morning on exabf phone saying "I'll take you home soon darling"!
I'm not sure I'll trust again, when I trusted I got burnt, when I got jealous I got burnt.
Any suggestions here?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
As for ever trusting again, I have now had two different girlfriends leave me for another man.
The last one my XAGF had cheated in every one of her relationships.
I was the only one whom she had not been having an affair with.
And that is only because her previous boyfriend had left her.
He was a raging alcoholic, and even he had enough.
So why did I presume that I would be any different?
Because so much of our relationship was based on my fantasy of what I wanted it to be.
Not the true reality of what it was.
It is not that there are no people out there that we can trust.
But it is us, and who we choose to bring into our lives.
Time after time I have put my love, faith and trust into the hands of an alcoholic and been surprised when they betrayed that trust.
As long as we keep choosing the same type of people we will constantly be let down.
Only when we work on ourselves first will we be able to choose differently.
Trust should be earned, not given.
The last one my XAGF had cheated in every one of her relationships.
I was the only one whom she had not been having an affair with.
And that is only because her previous boyfriend had left her.
He was a raging alcoholic, and even he had enough.
So why did I presume that I would be any different?
Because so much of our relationship was based on my fantasy of what I wanted it to be.
Not the true reality of what it was.
It is not that there are no people out there that we can trust.
But it is us, and who we choose to bring into our lives.
Time after time I have put my love, faith and trust into the hands of an alcoholic and been surprised when they betrayed that trust.
As long as we keep choosing the same type of people we will constantly be let down.
Only when we work on ourselves first will we be able to choose differently.
Trust should be earned, not given.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by soexhausted 
As for ever trusting again, I have now had two different girlfriends leave me for another man.
The last one my XAGF had cheated in every one of her relationships.
I was the only one whom she had not been having an affair with.
And that is only because her previous boyfriend had left her.
He was a raging alcoholic, and even he had enough.
So why did I presume that I would be any different?
Because so much of our relationship was based on my fantasy of what I wanted it to be.
Not the true reality of what it was.
It is not that there are no people out there that we can trust.
But it is us, and who we choose to bring into our lives.
Time after time I have put my love, faith and trust into the hands of an alcoholic and been surprised when they betrayed that trust.
As long as we keep choosing the same type of people we will constantly be let down.
Only when we work on ourselves first will we be able to choose differently.
Trust should be earned, not given.
The last one my XAGF had cheated in every one of her relationships.
I was the only one whom she had not been having an affair with.
And that is only because her previous boyfriend had left her.
He was a raging alcoholic, and even he had enough.
So why did I presume that I would be any different?
Because so much of our relationship was based on my fantasy of what I wanted it to be.
Not the true reality of what it was.
It is not that there are no people out there that we can trust.
But it is us, and who we choose to bring into our lives.
Time after time I have put my love, faith and trust into the hands of an alcoholic and been surprised when they betrayed that trust.
As long as we keep choosing the same type of people we will constantly be let down.
Only when we work on ourselves first will we be able to choose differently.
Trust should be earned, not given.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
"When I do think of him now and then I use this mental image.... The loud crack of a stick as I break it across my knee... and these words "never again". Over and over again until the thought goes away.
During the first few days I imagined my xabf being held in the hand of god and taken away from me, safe and out of harm... don't know why, but that helped as well. "
What effective coping tools! Your first image is startling, and the second is quite beautiful.
I think you've gotten right to the heart of what Alanon means: Detach with love.
Thanks for sharing, it helps me a lot.
ShootingStar1
During the first few days I imagined my xabf being held in the hand of god and taken away from me, safe and out of harm... don't know why, but that helped as well. "
What effective coping tools! Your first image is startling, and the second is quite beautiful.
I think you've gotten right to the heart of what Alanon means: Detach with love.
Thanks for sharing, it helps me a lot.
ShootingStar1
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