SonnyCurtis

What's up everyone? The name's Sonny. I'm a 21 year old college student. I'm addicted to alcohol, cigarettes, pot, and porn. A bit of background - growing up I got teased for being fat and as a result I was an anxious mess up until a year ago. Life was hell for me, I was afraid of my own shadow and constantly miserable. That all turned around about a year ago. I discovered I had social anxiety and I have since learned to combat it. Now my self esteem is higher than ever and I've never been more excited about life. I finally found myself. That's why I say I'm spiritually strong. It may sound like BS but for me it's critical - all my life I have been battling low self esteem and now I'm over it.

But here's the problem - I have all these addictions. I started smoking pot daily about 2 years ago when I started college. Drinking regularly and heavily for about the same time period, although at times I have cut down significantly. Last February I was so drunk I tripped and fell, broke my arm, had to have surgery to fix it. I now have a permanent gash on the back of my arm from the surgery. I kept drinking anyway, at first less but in the last month or so I've been drinking heavily just about every other day, including in the daytime. I've lost my phone and keys, on separate incidents, from being blackout drunk this semester. I became a daily smoker about a year ago and have since hit half a pack a day. I've always loved watching porn but in the last few months I started filling my hard drive with it, for intervals watching it 2-3 times a day if not more. I've also put on about 30 lbs of fat since August.

I'm as of now 72 hrs off of the cigs, longest hiatus in months and I intend to quit forever. I'd be stupid not to. Pot doesn't worry me so much just cus it doesn't really harm me. Same with porn. And as a musician I firmly believe in the creativity boosting aspects of pot. My main concern with pot is that I fiend it the most. I can imagine life without cigs but for whatever reason a pot free life is disconcerting. Same with drinking. Alcohol obviously worries me. There may be a fine line between heavy college partying and alcoholism but I think I've crossed it. The weight issue is clearly beer drinking + being lazy and not exercising.

So I'm trying to figure out what's up. If I'm so confident and happy why am I turning to these things for comfort? Maybe I'm just lying to myself? Has anyone out there experienced something similar? I'm tired of being fat, unhealthy, and banged up. I wanna get to the bottom of this.

I've never had a job and my class schedule, as usual, is pretty lax. Maybe I just have too much free time? Also, I say I'm over my anxiety but maybe I'm not really. I'm more confident on the surface ya but maybe I'm still isolating myself from the world and using these habits to cope. Any insight is appreciated guys.

Looking forward to my time here!

-sonny

Dee74

Hi Sonny - Welcome

It was never really the substances that were the problem for me - it was the way I used them - to run away & to escape.

There was no point me stopping just some of the things I was addicted to because that basic problem - that hole I was trying to fill - was still there.

I also found that when I got wasted all my good intentions about my other addictions went AWOL too - I'm sure you've experienced that for yourself.

Complete abstinence was the only way to go for me. I had to look at the root causes - that hole I was trying to fill, not the symptoms.

If you want to break the cycle I think you need to break the cycle completely.

As a side note - I was a musician too - no matter what you use (and I used both alcohol and pot for creativity) it will turn on you, guaranteed.

By the time I got straight I'd entirely lost my musical career from being a drunken stoned screw up, and hadn't written anything in years.

You're wise to look at this now

D

SonnyCurtis

Wow. So the whole time writing the first post I was telling myself - "this is too long winded, too self indulgent, nobody gives a damn about your life it just feels good to talk about yourself". I almost didn't post it. Thank god I did.

When I was working through my social anxiety, the key was this premise - the ego is a lie. All our miseries are simply a construction of our mind. We self isolate because its safe. Miserable, but safe. Preferable to the unknown. The real truths are right in front of our eyes. I've discovered many truths but the search must continue. Now I see the next step - I have to get sober in order to work through my issues. I'm slightly afraid of losing alcohol but deathly afraid of losing pot. I gotta drop it all. My fear makes my next step clear. Confronting my fears got me over my social anxiety. I must continue to confront them. You know what I'm talking about. Your signature sums it up beautifully.

Thank you Dee. How fortunate for this meeting to have occurred. At last, the next step in the journey is clear. It always has been. Call me crazy for thinking this is so shocking but fear really has blinded me to the obvious. So thank you. best wishes in this journey we call life.


-sonny

Dee74

It's really scary to leave our crutches behind...stand on the edge of the precipice....and leap....but it seriously was the best thing I ever did.

I found myself again

best wishes to you too Sonny

D

sugarbear1

Creativity comes back stronger when not smoking the pot....

legna

I was prepared to respond until I saw Dee's post... but there's nothing to add to her perfect response. I'm only typing to let you know there's someone else who cares - and if this thread doesn't get alot of attention it just might be cause many of us are thinking, 'Yup, nothing to add here." Best wishes.

Xune

I can't add much, but the hoarding and regular consumption of porn sounds like a tendency towards the obsessive and/or compulsive.

Have you talked to your Doctor?

katiedid722

This is great advice! Made me think of Steven Tyler and Eminem among the few ... both users in the past, both sober now, and great musicians. To use for creativity is just an excuse - it's saying that you don't believe your own talents and attributes alone are enough to bring you to what you want to be. We were not intended to alter our thoughts and emotions by using substances, everything we are sober is exactly who we are supposed to be. Good luck to you. It's a great feeling when you maintain sobriety and know that you can confidently say you don't "need" to use or take anything to live up to a standard you have set for yourself. It will only hurt you in the long run.