zorah

For the last 2 weeks I've been in a bad place and my mind is playing with me. I'm wondering now if I have a problem after all, if maybe I can do some controlled drinking now and then, if going to meetings every day isn't a bit excessive, if maybe going to all these meetings isn't causing me to program my own brain into a new dependency. The voice in my head is so rational sounding that I find myself toying with the idea of drinking because this has been a tough holiday.

I just can't see straight right now.


Zorah

Sazzle

Sorry to hear you are struggling. I think this is something that most of us go through for whatever reasons. I never did 'hit rock bottom' and my alcoholic voice tries to convince me I can moderate. Tried for 18 months and failed quite spectacularly at times. Other people also try find suggest I'm not can alcoholic as well 'surely you can have just one?' Etc

Do not negotiate with the AV in your head. It's trying to convince you to drink. You are on this path for a reason and even if you can't remember the strong feelings you had when you started, you soon will.

Don't let this lead to a relapse and postpone your sobriety/happiness. Sorry if I sound preachy but I've just been woken up at 4am by my pisshead flatmate whose lost all his possessions on a night out. That's not a rock bottom but it's a red flag. And I'm tired!!

Good luck and stay with us!

S x

drunkyjules

How has controlled drinking gone for you in the past? My last contolled drink was so......out of control.....I even amazed myself with the last one. Whew!

There are different programs for recovery, maybe your answer isn't AA but there is an answer out there.

An old timer once told me "alcoholism is the only disease that will tell you that you aren't sick". I know how you feel though, I will drink and drink, make myself totally miserable then stay sober a couple days and think I'm not so bad maybe I will just have a couple.

Sometimes I feel so good in sobriety, I hardly believe I have a problem......that is when I'm in trouble!!!

mecanix

When thoughts like that pass through i remember my last hangover , dwell on it for about 5 mins .
Then i also think the drink through based on past experience , knowing me i wont just have one , i can count on my hand how often i just had one ...

Why not commit to sobriety for another month and just see where you are then, as afterall if you never had a problem like the voice said then another month of sobriety will just keep your liver healthy longer and shouldn't be a problem to do .

If the prospect of that sober month raises emotions then maybe you still do have a problem .

Bestwishes, M

Dee74

Sometimes reading my old posts can give me back my perspective Zorah - why not try that - I found it's harder to argue with black and white text.

D

Toss

Zorah, I hear ya. Only difference is my AV is silent, but I am still struggling. I never was a motivated person and drinking filled the void nicely. I am sad and lonely but from a family standpoint, it should be the opposite (it's in my head, not my house).

Everyone is different, but moderation never worked for me. I drank to numb myself, I would start slow then a month in I was full bore again.

No real advice, just know I'm struggling as well. But I know this, I will be sad and unmotivated for a while longer then go back to the black hole that was my drinking.

Wish you well,

Toss

Sapling

How are you doing with the steps?

zeroptzero

Sometimes when I see a post like this I look back through the writer's previous posts. I did some poking around in yours, but really it seems the answer lies in what you wrote in the "A Little About You" section of your profile.
You are wrapped up in question to which you may never find an answer "Am I really an alcoholic?" May I suggest you let it go. It doesn't matter and as long as that nagging question exists in your mind you will not be able to find peace. If you can't accept that you, through no fault of your own, suffer from alcoholism then focus on what you do know for sure, you don't want to drink - you don't need to drink - and you don't have to drink.

hypochondriac

Ignoring everything else Zorah, why would drinking help you? I can't think of any actual real positive benefits to drinking. What could drinking actually add to your life? x

Fandy

Speaking from my experience, even if control works, it takes too much space in my head.
then i obsess, which leads to stress, lack of sleep, which puts me back to square one.
It cant be that important to me. It is just a liquid, there are many other options.

tomsteve

yup. i had the same thing. for me it was the disease of alcoholism talkin. its a disease that tells me i dont have a disease, everythings allright, have a drink. its a liar.
i kept goin to meetings and working the steps. today i have no doubt i am an alcoholic and need meetings( more than they need me) and dont question it.

once yer a pickle ya can never be a cucumber again.

Xune

Of what benefit and at what risk would drinking one alcoholic beverage bring you?

People without drinking problems do not spend anytime at all wondering if they have a problem and wondering if it would be OK if they had just one.

freshstart57

No, you're not, you're not wondering that at all. If you and I were chatting about someone else who had written what you have posted, who had your experiences, what would we think? Would you and I think that maybe this person can actually have a drink or two? I don't think so.

You are having a debate in your noggin that you say you don't understand. There is no mystery to this, zorah. One mind knows to stop, the other one says You can't be serious about this, you don't really need to quit drinking. This is what addiction is, that internal struggle between you and your drive for the pleasure and release that alcohol brings.

We can learn to deal with this addictive voice, Zorah, in a way that takes all power from the AV and gives it back to us. For good. You can stop being dependent on anything anymore, you can have a sobriety that is conditional on only your belief in yourself. People have been doing it like this since grapes were first grown for wine, and you can do it too.

Windancer

Im going through the same thing Zorah. And reading your post helped clarify things within myself too. So thanks for that. I would tell you (and myself) that your post sounds exactly like an addicted brain to me, and therefore you shouldnt even attempt the controlled drinking. I have tried that several times.....all disasters.
Good job for posting instead of acting on impulse

jstar

how are you doing today Zorah?

i've read alot of good suggestions here in this thread. sounds like you are struggling and probably most, if not all of us have been or are, where you are in your head right now. you are not alone in this struggle!

for the past 2+ years I've delt with this too, the nagging question in the back of my head...am I "really" an alcoholic? I would get a few days or weeks or sobriety under my feet and the world would start to come in focus, the mind begins to start thinking more....then bam! the argument begins of if I can have just a drink, maybe i'm wasting my time going to all these meetings, maybe i'm not as bad off as I thought ....these I know to be lies I tell myself to give myself permission to have that first drink. that is me trying to rationalize the situation so that I can feel normal.

play the tape through. will you really have "just one drink "? if drinking isn't really a problem, as others have said, leave it alone for a while more. people who don't have a problem with alcohol, rarely dwell on whether they should have a drink or not and can take it or leave it. I know for myself, that is not the case.

my prayers are with you Zorah! this is a disease that wants you dead. you don't have to listen to it, you don't have to drink if you don't want to.

hugs!

Delilah1

Hi Zorah,

I am sorry you are struggling right now, but drinking will not help clarify any if your questions or make the difficulties that the holidays bring any easier.

I never hit a rock bottom that landed me in jail, the hospital or loss of family. But I did hit a bottom for me because alcohol was not allowing me to live up to the expectations I have for myself as a mom, wife, or employee. I have had some moments that I really wanted a glass of wine, but a few things stopped me:
-I would never just have one glass
-I have worked too hard to get where I am today
-I will never regret waking up sober, but I will regret waking up hungover.

Whether you are or are not an alcoholic is probably not the important thing for you to focus on. You found this site for a reason. Hang in there, read your old posts, read others posts who are starting from day one.

Sending hugs!!!!