Need help with my alcoholic soulmate.

Old 11-23-2012, 01:43 PM
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Need help with my alcoholic soulmate.

So...where do you start?

I married my wonderful husband two months ago. He had always drank (a 6 pack a night), but it never really got out of hand, until after the rings were slipped on each others fingers and the marriage license was signed.

We found out we were pregnant a month ago. He was happy, I was not. Well, I was worried mostly. I'm happy now, but still worried.

A couple of weeks ago, he was getting ready to go to work and he came back in the bedroom and said he didn't feel well, that he wasn't going to work. The first thing out of my mouth was, "Well, if you feel that bad you certainly don't need to drink while you are at home today." I went to work. Worried.

Not to my surprise when I came home, he had been binge drinking. Drunk. And I was pissed. How the hell are you going to sit at home and drink when we have a BABY on the way?? How irresponsible, how selfish. So, guess what? The next day he went to work, but got sent home because the boss could tell he was "sick" (what he told him the day before). He calls me and lets me know, while I'm at work and pregnancy hormones and all I get worked into a tangent and bawl like a baby. He says he thinks he has a problem and is going to get help tomorrow. Tomorrow. Today isn't good enough? What's "tomorrow"?

He goes to a doctor the next day and they diagnose him with depression and anxiety. Yep, I can see that, but what about this dependency he has on alcohol. They prescribe him some antidepressants. I do my research on the effects of mixing such prescriptions with alcohol. We talk about these things and he agrees he can't drink anymore.

Next day: no work, it's too wet. He stays home. I'm at work. He doesn't take his meds, and I go home on my lunch break to find him tipsy again. Really? What was all that ******** you fed me yesterday and was the trip to the Doctor a joke?

He starts his pills on Saturday. I'm freakishly afraid to leave him at home alone because I feel like his boredom will lead to a drink. He does good, does great. For the next six days, it's AWESOME.

He is off work today because of the holiday, and I'm at work. He has a son with a different girl and she texts me and asks if he has been drinking. I tell her I have no way of knowing because I'm at work. She says he stinks of it bad.

I have no way of actually seeing if this is true. He supposedly picked his son up to go hunting and I can't wrap my mind around why he would do something so stupid.

This man is a wonderful man. He is a great man. By far the best man I have ever been with. But his problem is driving me crazy. Not crazy for myself but crazy for this child inside me that is innocent to it all. I don't want my baby to have a drunk daddy. I don't know how to help him because I just end up crying and being mad at him. I don't know how I'm supposed to react to stuff. I don't know the things to say or not to say. What do you do?? Someone, please help me.
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Old 11-23-2012, 01:57 PM
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One needs to be careful about mixing antidepressants with alcohol.
My exabf was on antidepressants but they clearly state limit alcohol so what he would do is take them during the week when he drunk less & then not take them over the entire weekend when he was binge drinking. It was a vicious circle.
Then one day he went real weird, had a whole week off work, binge drinking & didn't take his meds for 1 week. I was very concerned for him & when I turned up to find out what was going on he was lying in bed depressed & crying now I was there & having angry hallicunations for a picture on his wall.
I made him take his meds & after a while he calmed down.
Next day I also had to appear to make sure he again took them.
That was when he decided he was never going to drink again. I thought this was his rock bottom. I took him home & supported him in detox for 2 days. He did give up drinking for about 3 weeks.
It didn't last & wasn't long before the drinking took over our relationship again.
I don't know what to advise you other than you don't want to raise a child around a drunk but this is what experience antidepressants & alcohol had on him.
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Old 11-23-2012, 02:07 PM
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My AH was on antidepressant meds for a year while he continued to drink heavily. Combination was a disaster and it never really helped the depression. Stopped taking meds as he insisted meds " made him feel weird".
I'm learning the hard way they have to want to help themselves and that we can't do it for them. This is a great site with lots of valuable information. Read as much as you can. Learn from the experience and wisdom of the many that have walked in your shoes. Hugs!
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Old 11-23-2012, 02:34 PM
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When I was pregnant with #1, my AH got into a fistfight with a neighbor (both were drunk and got hauled away to sleep off the booze by the cops). My first reaction was that his behavior was unacceptable, that I didn't want to bring a child into that situation, and that I was going to move out the next day.

Almost 20 years later, I finally did. With wrecked credit, a wrecked career, and a horde of children with different mental health diagnoses all credited to "growing up with an addict parent."

I would not recommend to my worst enemy to have children with an addict. Ever. I would have been better off being a homeless singlem om than I was living with an alcoholic. And most of all, the children would have been healthier and happier.
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Old 11-23-2012, 02:40 PM
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"This man is a wonderful man. He is a great man. By far the best man I have ever been with. "

Wow,that speaks volumes. Have you considered going to Alanon? Have you read Codependent No More?

I would also suggest that you read all the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs which can be linked to on this page, just click on blogs and go from there. Knowledge is power, learn all you can about addiction, a child should never be exposed to addiction in any way.
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Old 11-23-2012, 03:07 PM
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Hi,
I second the thought to go to Al-anon and also read Codependency No More...

I miss my axbf so much sometimes, I thought we were meant to be together too. But everytime a problem would come up, he would be drinking. He drank a lot at home by himself and with friends. There is nothing you can do about it. Maybe he is a wonderful man but he's also an alcoholic and until he decides he needs help all of the begging, pleading and worrying you do will not make a difference. As long as he is drinking the meds will not really help him.

My thoughts are with you....
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Old 11-23-2012, 04:09 PM
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If your husband is an alcoholic--and it looks as if that is so--then your child has an alcoholic father and will have an alcoholic father for life. Alcoholism is a permanent condition and it requires vigorous daily recovery on the part of the alcoholic to stay abstinent.

If you would like to read about the inability of alcoholics to control their relationship with alcohol, you can read the first three chapters of the AA Big Book online at Big Book Online Fourth Edition.

And if you would like to learn about what your husband's alcoholism can do to your mental, emotional and physical health, you can find a local Al-Anon meeting and begin weekly attendance (two meetings a week would be even better). Google "Al-anon. org" and you'll be able to find a local meeting. Most especially, pick up a copy of the pamphlet "Alcoholism: A Merry-Go-Round Called Denial."

This is a very serious issue, with lifelong consequences for you and for your child. So I hope very much you will take action toward finding help and support for yourself. And SR can be a valuable addition to your local resources. Please do not try to handle this issue alone. You will make many mistakes if you do, and not even realize it.
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Old 11-24-2012, 12:23 AM
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OHHHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOO

A slurry alcoholic is picking up a kid to GO HUNTING drunk? Please tell me this isn't so!!!!

Dear God, a drunk with a gun? With a kid? HELLO!!!!!! No, no, no.
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Old 11-24-2012, 01:01 AM
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Wow. Just wow.

Originally Posted by NewlyMrrdMama View Post
How the hell are you going to sit at home and drink when we have a BABY on the way??
That's alcoholism for you...

Originally Posted by NewlyMrrdMama View Post
He has a son with a different girl and she texts me and asks if he has been drinking. I tell her I have no way of knowing because I'm at work. She says he stinks of it bad.

I have no way of actually seeing if this is true. He supposedly picked his son up to go hunting and I can't wrap my mind around why he would do something so stupid.
He stinks of it bad. What other "evidence" would you need?

Originally Posted by NewlyMrrdMama View Post
This man is a wonderful man. He is a great man. By far the best man I have ever been with.
Dang, what were the other men like that you've been with?

Take care of yourself and your unborn child. That's where all of your focus belongs.
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Old 11-24-2012, 09:58 AM
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I realized that my husband struggled with alcohol two weeks after we got married. There had been signs prior, but like you I felt confused and trapped when I put it all together.

I did not realize that I was not responsible for his recovery, but for my own.

I did finally get help, but the only regret I have is that I did not do it sooner. Here, Al-Anon, reading about addiction, counseling etc have all helped me immensely.

I am glad you are here, but sorry for what got you here.
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Old 11-24-2012, 10:06 AM
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When I was a drunk, numerous girls referred to me as their soulmate.
They were each very codependent.
That just jumped right out at me.
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Old 11-24-2012, 10:12 AM
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This is a tough situation to be in and my heart goes out to you. You're right to keep the focus on you and your child because there's nothing you can say or do that will get your husband to stop drinking. You have time to make plans to live elsewhere ... Alanon is a big help.

When I was a drunk, numerous girls referred to me as their soulmate.
They were each very codependent.
Thanks for posting this ... it once described me but, thank God, not any longer.
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Old 11-24-2012, 01:46 PM
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It sounds like you're wondering what YOU can do to make him stop drinking.
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

It isn't because you're not special enough. I'm sure you're special. I'm also sure the impetus to stop drinking MUST come from within the alcoholic.

For 25 years, I did my very best to be a good supportive wife for my alcoholic husband. One day he said to me, "Don't ask me to choose between you and beer. You won't like what I choose." That ended our marriage in my heart. Sadly, I didn't have the balls to leave. The years we had after that were sad and difficult. The only thing that would have made it worse would have been bringing up another generation to think it was okay to act as he did, and okay to accept (or expect) that kind of disrespect and animosity from a spouse.

I have a friend in recovery-has been for 20 years or so. He was diagnosed with depression, too, during his drinking years. I once asked him, did he drink to self-medicate his depression? He said, no. He is pretty sure he was depressed because he drank so damn much. (It is a depressant, after all)

Once he quit drinking, the depression improved. Go figure.

BTW, Late husband's doctor never called him out on his drinking, as far as I know. Don't know if Late hid it from the doctor, or because the doctor wasn't terribly astute.
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Old 11-24-2012, 01:51 PM
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Welcome to SR. You have a long journey ahead of you and there is much kindess and wisdom on here. I have found a lot of strength in the words of people who are further along than I, and you might as well. You're in my thoughts...
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Old 11-24-2012, 01:59 PM
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Originally Posted by grammyb View Post
My AH was on antidepressant meds for a year while he continued to drink heavily. Combination was a disaster and it never really helped the depression. Stopped taking meds as he insisted meds " made him feel weird".
I'm learning the hard way they have to want to help themselves and that we can't do it for them. This is a great site with lots of valuable information. Read as much as you can. Learn from the experience and wisdom of the many that have walked in your shoes. Hugs!

My AH drank while taking anti-Ds so the meds didn't work as they should. Of course, AH never accepted responsibility that mixing the two was the reason that he was still depressed.

Why wasn't "drinking a 6 pack' each night a big red flag. Drinking that much beer every night isn't normal, and is VERY espensive...who has an extra $6-7 per night to blow on beer? That's over $200 a month....PLUS TAX!

I am so sorry that you're going thru this as a new expecting mom-to-be. You're in a tough spot. It doesn't sound like your AH is taking sobriety seriously (I don't think my AH does either....I think mine thinks the AA meetings are social gatherings for him and his drinking friends.)
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Old 11-24-2012, 02:07 PM
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"When I was a drunk, numerous girls referred to me as their soulmate.
They were each very codependent."


Over used Hollywood buzz word, you are right codies use it all the time. We codies confuse being loved with being needed.
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Old 11-24-2012, 03:33 PM
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Originally Posted by dollydo View Post
"When I was a drunk, numerous girls referred to me as their soulmate.
They were each very codependent."


Over used Hollywood buzz word, you are right codies use it all the time. We codies confuse being loved with being needed.

Yes, I'm starting to realize that. My AH really "needed me", but in truth, he didn't love me; instead he deeply resented that he did need me so much. When he was living at his brother's home while in "daily rehab", his brother & SIL became his "guardians" - doing everything for him - cooking, cleaning, laundry for him. They even gave him money. When he's "done" with using one person, he moves on to the next person who will take care of him.

When I look back, he'd become very angry during the rare times that I was sick. I realize now that's because I couldn't take care of him then - and instead, actually needed some help.

It will be interesting when he returns home again from his Thanksgiving celebration with his brother and his rehab friends. Before he left for his brother's home, he yelled at me for "not taking care of your man" because he only had 2 pairs of clean underwear in his drawer and I was out of town on business and he had wanted me to go with him to his Open AA meeting the night before. Keep in mind that he filed for divorce in October - lol.

When I look back at his life before me, I now realize that he had gotten used to "latching on" to people ....in young adulthood, he latched onto his brother, then he latched onto a cult (yes!), then he latched onto a girlfriend and quickly moved in with her, then he latched onto a very capable ex-Navy guy who managed everything, then he latched onto me. I never realized this during our early times together.
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Old 11-24-2012, 03:36 PM
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Mine loved what I did for him, not me.
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Old 11-24-2012, 04:12 PM
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Mine loved what I did for him, not me.

Right...mine, too...but the weird thing is, he'd quickly "forget" what I did for him, and then whine that I don't do enough for him. And, then he'd get mad when he'd see me caring for the pets, or even watering the houseplants! He'd say that I care more about those things (pets, kids, plants) than him. Crazy.
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Old 11-24-2012, 04:26 PM
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I married my soulmate too, once upon a time. He's been dead six years now complications due to AIDS, a direct result of his lifestyle as an IV drug user.

I would highly recommend the book "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. It was painful for me to read yet it was also freeing because I started to face myself. I found out why I made such a bad choice (actually choices, in men).

Welcome to SR and know you are among friends!
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