Rose2012

...although I'm shaking like a leaf and desperate to get out to the store to buy some wine.

Hi everyone, I'm Rose. I successfully quit drinking on August 1st and then had relationship problems and went back to my old friend the wine bottle on October 31st. I hate myself for being so weak that I relapsed, and of course, the cycle began again...I needed more wine the next day to help with the hangover...and so on. You all know. I've managed to max out my credit card because of the drinking...shameful.

I'm trying to remind myself how awesome I felt for those 3 months, how much money I saved, how much weight I lost, that my eyes looked brighter, my digestion improved, I was more active and enjoyed my hobbies more...but...did I quit for the ex or was it for me? Was I feeling awesome and strong and able to quit because I had love in my life?

I'm starting to think I quit for him, so quitting this time around is especially frightening.

I am so lonely at the moment, living alone in a rural area, no friends (who know about my drinking) and no living family members for support, AA isn't and was never for me, I always preferred to do things on my own. I know how pathetic this sounds, but wine is what helps me get through the loneliness these days. I'm stuck in this area until the first week of January, which means another 45 days or so of loneliness...it's hard to bear and I'm terrified.

Thanks for letting me pour my little heart out.

Anna

You don't sound pathetic at all. You sound like someone who is confronting the enormity of this problem. I see how you feel that you were recovering as much for your boyfriend and the love relationship, as for yourself. I discovered similar feelings in my first year of sobriety and I realized that I was co-dependent, which was news to me. I had no ability to set boundaries in my life, so it was hard for me to make the decision to recover for myself, but that's all we can do.

Rose2012

I thought I might be codependent...I know I have other issues with mental health disorders. In any case, he's long disappeared so I'm on my own now. I'm just going to take this one hour at a time. Hopefully as each hour passes I'll get stronger and more resolved. Thanks.

Auvers

Welcome, Rose. You said you have 45 days of loneliness ahead, maybe try to reframe that thought. 45 days, that is enough time to get a lot of things accomplished. With 45 days sobriety, you could be feeling lots better, healthier, more self esteem. Getting sober alone means getting accustomed a bit to what you and your life feel like without the numbing out with alcohol and the running away from aloneness. Substituting other activities for drinking time is something we all have to do to find our new equilibrium, more reading, exercise, meditation, developing hobbies, volunteering ......depending on how you feel during these early weeks of getting sober. In some ways, being alone could be a plus for this time period, you will certainly know you did it for you. And you will be in a much better frame of mind and body when it's time to move somewhere else.

IndaMiricale

Hi Rose...

Welcome back. I lived with shaking daily for decades. It is such a horrible cycle..

I know one thing , that I can not stay sober on my own. We stay sober , and I get drunk..

Delilah1

Hi Rose,

Welcome to SR! It sounds like you were feeling pretty good during your three months of sobriety. Also, good for recognizing you may have quit for your boyfriend last time. Now you have 45 days to do it for yourself. Will you be going someplace that you have friends around then?

You aren't alone now, you have a who.e virtual community here on SR that understands and will be willing to support you. Day one is tough, hang in there, and spend some time reading and posting on here.

Rose2012

I'm trying so hard to be brave right now, thank goodness I can hide behind the internet...I'm crying like a baby who was denied her favourite toy, yeesh.

I was alone for over 10 years before I met him...and I didn't always drink, so I know I like my solitude...but I can't remember liking it at the moment because I'm clouded by the pain and the desire to drown it out I suppose. I'll still be living here, but I start back at University in January, that's what I meant by not being lonely, I know I'll meet some new people. But until then, I'm here alone...I have lots of hobbies, I guess I'll just have to fake it until I make it for a while! But you're right...I could actually look at it as though I'm in a 45 day rehab program, and maybe plan out my days that way...interesting thought, I do need structure.

I hope the shaking goes away, I'm avoiding caffeine and sugar right now too. Just drinking lots of ice water, fresh juice and chicken soup. I'm taking chamomile too, and some valerian for the anxiety. I'm really trying hard to help myself, I hate being all talk and no action.

Thanks, I'm so glad I found this place. I'm just going to burn up the forum posting and reading to keep me busy, honest and educated. Well, in January it'll be the first time I'm back in school for over 25 years, but I know I'll meet people there so no friends - yet

And yes, Day 1 is extremely challenging, it's all a mind game for me right now.

Maylie

Welcome and I'm happy you decided to go back to being sober.

You don't need to go through this alone. Even if you don't feel AA is for you, you still have everyone here to support you!

As stated above, you can look at it as you have 45 days to concentrate on yourself and get yourself back to a stable point. You can do this!

Rose2012

I'm starting to actually feel confident and excited to be sober again. Talking to people, even just online like this, is really helping!

Auvers

You sound better already. The power is there!

Rose2012

Yes thank you

As long as I keep distracted I'll be okay I think.

Dee74

Yeah, you'll find a lot of support here
Welcome Rose

D

desertsong

Hi Rose,

You're doing the right thing for yourself. I completely understand the loneliness. I am about to go through a divorce and yesterday was my first Thanksgiving in 20 years without my husband (who is also an alcoholic). Sometimes the loneliness is absolutely crushing, but drinking won't make it better ... I've found that alcohol only accentuates what I'm already feeling.

I've decided to look at this period as not a time of mourning and grief (although it truly is) and look at the positive side of things, which is that I am detaching from an unhealthy relationship and taking my life to a better place. Change is difficult and often doesn't happen without profound pain, but when we come out on the other side we are better people.

Hang in there and know you are NOT alone. You have us. We understand.

Rose2012

I'm sorry you're going through that. The loneliness is pretty crushing at times, and yes, definitely the alcohol accentuates it. I had quite the pity party last night. And you're right it is a period of mourning. And thank you, I don't feel alone like I did just a few hours ago. This is an opportunity for growth and profound change I think. I want to seize that.

artsoul

Hi Rose - glad you're here!

I always felt especially alone right after a break-up, even when the relationships were no good. It takes a while just to get used to not having someone there all the time.

Maybe focusing on your sobriety will help you discover that you can be your own best friend........ Drinking never helps - it just makes us anxious and depressed, so that we feel like we can't handle anything. I found that I was much calmer and more positive about myself within a week of getting sober.

You can do this. Keep taking it an hour at a time and stay close to this place - it really helps!

Rose2012

Thank you I just made it through day 1 (and night 1)...I'm feeling more confident and to be honest...not so much in despair about the ex as I was just 2 days ago, yes, the alcohol does make it worse!! You're right, staying close to this place is a godsend.

KAD

Welcome Rose, and congrats on making it through your first day. This site really is helpful when you need someone to lean on. There is lots of information, too. I can relate to quitting for someone else. That's what I did but soon discovered it wasn't enough. It has to be for you, or it won't last. You have to be sick and tired of it, or it will lure you back. It sounds like you are confronting the damage it has caused in your life and are ready to cut loose it's grip on you. Stick around. There are many people here to help you.

Windancer

Welcome Rose!
I completely understand what you wrote about being terrified regarding quitting on your own and not for someone else. In the past when I "quit", I realize now it was for my partner and relationship, not myself. Then I found myself alone and my drinking got worse....untill just recently. This time Im doing it for myself...it was (and still is at times) very scary.
I also live in the country and get very lonely. But as pointed out above I am trying to look at as a great opportunity to get a lot of things accomplished. I have lots of time to work on myself .

Rose2012

Thank you Yes, I have the proof that I quit for him and for "us". Now it's definitely for ME. And I'm totally sick and tired of it...I'm definitely sticking around here!

Living in the country is awesome...but yes, there are lonely times, and this is my biggest trigger. Wine was my companion for a long time, sounds silly, but that's what I equate it too. When I met my ex, I didn't need wine, because he was my companion. Good luck to you too, we have to use our time well, life is way too short!