RAS home; how involved do I get in his recovery?
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
RAS home; how involved do I get in his recovery?
As an introduction, I am the mother of a 22 yo RAS. My son went to treatment in April following a hospitalization for alcohol toxicity. Long story short: started experimenting with pot in high school, switched to alcohol a couple of years ago. Seemed to use it as a coping skill and mostly drank alone in private. I can relate to those that write of finding hidden vodka bottles. I've only actually seen him drunk a few times.
From the hospital, he went to a 30 day treatment center, to a sober living facility (where he was kicked out for a one drink relapse) to a different sober living facility where he flourished. He spent 8 months away and came home last week and is working full time as a seasonal worker. Ideally, he would have stayed in sober living longer- but we felt we couldn't afford it any longer. Of course, I still question if we did the right thing in bringing him home.
Now to my question: My son is an introvert. Although he told us when he came home, he would go to meetings and get a sponsor, that is not happening. He has been to one meeting- that we pushed and told him he had to go to. He says he went to so many meetings that he is just sick of them. He goes and doesn't like to talk- so he hates meetings with only a few people.
Do we practice hands off his recovery or do we enforce what he said he would do when he came home- go to meetings and get a sponsor? So far, he is doing well- but, I believe he needs the reinforcement of meetings. Although he says he does not like meetings, I know the Big Book speaks to him and he has gotten a lot out of going. Ideas? Opinions?
From the hospital, he went to a 30 day treatment center, to a sober living facility (where he was kicked out for a one drink relapse) to a different sober living facility where he flourished. He spent 8 months away and came home last week and is working full time as a seasonal worker. Ideally, he would have stayed in sober living longer- but we felt we couldn't afford it any longer. Of course, I still question if we did the right thing in bringing him home.
Now to my question: My son is an introvert. Although he told us when he came home, he would go to meetings and get a sponsor, that is not happening. He has been to one meeting- that we pushed and told him he had to go to. He says he went to so many meetings that he is just sick of them. He goes and doesn't like to talk- so he hates meetings with only a few people.
Do we practice hands off his recovery or do we enforce what he said he would do when he came home- go to meetings and get a sponsor? So far, he is doing well- but, I believe he needs the reinforcement of meetings. Although he says he does not like meetings, I know the Big Book speaks to him and he has gotten a lot out of going. Ideas? Opinions?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear HopefulMom, first, I am a little surprised that you are still paying his expenses at sober
living---since he was there for so long. But, then. I only have limited information about your sitution....
I have had experience of the alcoholic son living at home. From my experience, it is very dicey. My advice is to keep him there for as SHORT a time as possible---since he is already there.
I know a person who is a recovering alcoholic for several years--he is also a psychologist who works with social services. He says that he has never seen a son reach sobriety while still living in the parents home! I have come to believe him!
There are simply to many parent--child dynamics going on. They relate to others in a very different way than they do with their parents. It is impossible for you to be detached from him in the way that you would another "renter" that you have no family attachments to. Believe me--I know this from very bitter experience. Your love for him gets in the way and tears at your heart. Your child knows this and can push the buttons like nobody's business. Plus, his natural tendency to want independence from you will get in the way. He will resent you at the same time he is accepting your generosity. Trust me on this.
I know this is not what you want to hear. But, I have been there and I think you deserve a "heads up". I know the mothers heart.
You really need the support of other parents---like in alanon or similar support group (if you don't already have it). This is a hard road to walk alone. Don't do it alone.
I am glad you are posting here. Please continue to hang around!
very sincerely, dandylion
living---since he was there for so long. But, then. I only have limited information about your sitution....
I have had experience of the alcoholic son living at home. From my experience, it is very dicey. My advice is to keep him there for as SHORT a time as possible---since he is already there.
I know a person who is a recovering alcoholic for several years--he is also a psychologist who works with social services. He says that he has never seen a son reach sobriety while still living in the parents home! I have come to believe him!
There are simply to many parent--child dynamics going on. They relate to others in a very different way than they do with their parents. It is impossible for you to be detached from him in the way that you would another "renter" that you have no family attachments to. Believe me--I know this from very bitter experience. Your love for him gets in the way and tears at your heart. Your child knows this and can push the buttons like nobody's business. Plus, his natural tendency to want independence from you will get in the way. He will resent you at the same time he is accepting your generosity. Trust me on this.
I know this is not what you want to hear. But, I have been there and I think you deserve a "heads up". I know the mothers heart.
You really need the support of other parents---like in alanon or similar support group (if you don't already have it). This is a hard road to walk alone. Don't do it alone.
I am glad you are posting here. Please continue to hang around!
very sincerely, dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
Thanks dandylion .. some scary thoughts there. The sober living facility he was at would have eventually transitioned to him paying at least part of the rent with a job. It just seemed to take forever as they had him slowly working through the 12 steps. We talked about keeping him there and he was willing to stay but it was several states away. We never had much luck finding sober living facilities close to our home. Probably there ... just never figured out the way to find them.
Plus, his natural tendency to want independence from you will get in the way. He will resent you at the same time he is accepting your generosity. ... so true!
I probably do need to get to an alanon meeting- I spend a lot of time reading on here and have quite a large support network of friends that have children with similar issues, but I'm sure it would help.
For now, we're telling him he has to go to meetings if he wants to live here- is that off base? He responds with "I thought you weren't going to manage my recovery."
I agree he needs to live on his own, but he'd probably be homeless. We're trying hard to encourage his independence from us.
Plus, his natural tendency to want independence from you will get in the way. He will resent you at the same time he is accepting your generosity. ... so true!
I probably do need to get to an alanon meeting- I spend a lot of time reading on here and have quite a large support network of friends that have children with similar issues, but I'm sure it would help.
For now, we're telling him he has to go to meetings if he wants to live here- is that off base? He responds with "I thought you weren't going to manage my recovery."
I agree he needs to live on his own, but he'd probably be homeless. We're trying hard to encourage his independence from us.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear HopefulMom, WOW. First off, if he has been working the 12 steps he should know that attending meetings is a given. When an alcoholic starts to argue with requirements of the program---it is a sign that the disease is still battling in their brain (of course it does) and that their surrender to their powerlessness over alcohol is still in question (in their minds).
You are right--his statement is a clear message of his resentment of you. Not unexpected, of course, because every addict resents anyone or anything that gets in the way of their alcohol/drug. This does not mean that he doesn't love you---it just m eans that he resents you right now for several reasons. This is also typical of a 22yr. old living in the parent's house (in our culture)---even if they aren't addicted. Right n ow, there are millions of kids living in their parents home, enjoying the benefits and resenting the rules like h***. It is all part of that painful transition from dependence to independence.
The reality is that he might be homeless for a while---but, he might also surprise you. What choice do you have, though? Right now, the tail is still wagging the dog to som e extent (and he recognizes it better than you do). You are probably m ore afraid, inside, than he is. I know I was when I was in your situation. When we refused to let my son get away with breaking the sobriety rules at our house, he voluntarily lived in a tent within walking distance to our house for almost 2 years. He would come by the house and talk to me. He said he loved the "freedom" of the tent to living in our (very nice home) and going by the house rules. He told everybody that he was "homeless", when, in fact, he had a very nice and loving home to come to!!! This is how much they will want to be free from restraints by their parents.
They won't become independent (meaning to take on total personal responsibilities) until they HAVE to. I understand what a sticky wicket this is for you---harder on the parent than the child.
What really helped me a lot was reading the articles by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. You can google his website. He writes a lot about relationships with the alcoholic and also what actually goes on in the alcoholic's mind. He has written several different ones.
I am submitting my experience with you in hopes that some of it m ight be of help for you with this very heart-wrenching time.
Very sincerely, dandylion
You are right--his statement is a clear message of his resentment of you. Not unexpected, of course, because every addict resents anyone or anything that gets in the way of their alcohol/drug. This does not mean that he doesn't love you---it just m eans that he resents you right now for several reasons. This is also typical of a 22yr. old living in the parent's house (in our culture)---even if they aren't addicted. Right n ow, there are millions of kids living in their parents home, enjoying the benefits and resenting the rules like h***. It is all part of that painful transition from dependence to independence.
The reality is that he might be homeless for a while---but, he might also surprise you. What choice do you have, though? Right now, the tail is still wagging the dog to som e extent (and he recognizes it better than you do). You are probably m ore afraid, inside, than he is. I know I was when I was in your situation. When we refused to let my son get away with breaking the sobriety rules at our house, he voluntarily lived in a tent within walking distance to our house for almost 2 years. He would come by the house and talk to me. He said he loved the "freedom" of the tent to living in our (very nice home) and going by the house rules. He told everybody that he was "homeless", when, in fact, he had a very nice and loving home to come to!!! This is how much they will want to be free from restraints by their parents.
They won't become independent (meaning to take on total personal responsibilities) until they HAVE to. I understand what a sticky wicket this is for you---harder on the parent than the child.
What really helped me a lot was reading the articles by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. You can google his website. He writes a lot about relationships with the alcoholic and also what actually goes on in the alcoholic's mind. He has written several different ones.
I am submitting my experience with you in hopes that some of it m ight be of help for you with this very heart-wrenching time.
Very sincerely, dandylion
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(((((HopefulmomtoD)))))
I know this is hard. We all know this is hard. The next time he says:
"I thought you weren't going to manage my recovery."
Your response is simple:
"This is one of the 'rules' for you to remain living here. Meetings every day."
Then you change the subject and move on.
If he does not attend a meeting a day, then you have no choice but to stick to your
boundaries and give him an eviction notice, preferably to be out withing the next
24 hours and no more than 48 hours. That will be part of HIS consequences for
not abiding by the rules of living in your home.
When Dandylion said this in one of the posts above:
"He says that he has never seen a son reach sobriety while still living in the
parents home! I have come to believe him!"
I too believe this. I have seen it too too many times.
This is not to say your are doing 'wrong.' Just passing on my experiences and the
experiences of many 'moms' I have known and worked with.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so very much!
Love and hugs,
I know this is hard. We all know this is hard. The next time he says:
"I thought you weren't going to manage my recovery."
Your response is simple:
"This is one of the 'rules' for you to remain living here. Meetings every day."
Then you change the subject and move on.
If he does not attend a meeting a day, then you have no choice but to stick to your
boundaries and give him an eviction notice, preferably to be out withing the next
24 hours and no more than 48 hours. That will be part of HIS consequences for
not abiding by the rules of living in your home.
When Dandylion said this in one of the posts above:
"He says that he has never seen a son reach sobriety while still living in the
parents home! I have come to believe him!"
I too believe this. I have seen it too too many times.
This is not to say your are doing 'wrong.' Just passing on my experiences and the
experiences of many 'moms' I have known and worked with.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so very much!
Love and hugs,
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