charlieboo

I met my partner, M, almost 2 years ago. He was clean when we met, but had a relapse not long after.
I don't drink, have never smoked or taken drugs. I don't pretend to know how hard addiction is, or how difficult it is to stay clean. I am amazed by his strength every day he doesn't use. I am extremely proud of him and his efforts to stay clean.
I do know how hard it is to watch the person you love struggle every day to stay clean. I know how terrifying it is to see him unwell in psychosis, and not know what to do. I know how incredibly helpless I feel to help, to make things better for him.
I'm constantly scared of doing or saying the wrong thing. I feel a huge weight of responsibility to say the right thing, to do the right thing, to not push buttons that may send him running to his dealer. I am not responsible for his sobriety, nor do I want him to stay clean for me.
I want M back, the guy I met. This guy I live with now is angry and selfish and self absorbed. He has to be right at all costs. He says the most hurtful things when he is drunk or high, things I can't forget. I feel like all the focus is on him. What he needs to stay clean and sober, what he needs me to do and be for him. I feel like I never get heard, that my feelings aren't as valid as his.
Will he get over this selfish phase? Others who have been through this tell me it's part of recovery. I'm hoping like crazy it is, and he'll pull his head out of his own butt before I just reach boiling point and leave.

Dee74

Hi Charlieboo

I'm sorry for your situation.
It doesn't sound like a terribly good situation for you if I'm honest.

Is he doing anything for his recovery - or anything to improve his moods?

I think you need to decide now how much you're willing to take....but I know that's not easy.

I know you'll find a lot of support here tho - and also in our Family and Friends section too.

Welcome to SR- you're not alone here
D