sunflowergal29

Ok, yes she's sick- she's been living with alcoholism all her life. BUT- she has been a member of Alanon for 16 years now, supposedly working her program. Whatever. She is one of the most miserable people I have ever met- she is continously verbally abusing everyone around her- she knows what is best for everyone else. Fine, yes, she is sick.
Here is my problem...
My ex got out of treatment for his coke/pot/alcohol addiction about 3 weeks ago. He decided to stay in the city where the center is, which happens to be 5-6 hours from here. He also decided to live in a 2 bed. apt. with a guy he just met in treatment, a guy I don't know, a guy who has had his access to his own children taken away. So- I asked my kids how they felt about staying there- if they were comfortable. They all said no way- not with a complete stranger. I also felt this was not something I could be comfortable with- it was already enough that my ex had JUST got out of the center, and all the bs that he's caused my kids over the years (coming in and out, never really being a responsible parent). So- I set my boundary with him- explained that I do what is right for me and the kids now, sorry if it upsets you- I can't change that, but I have every right to do what I feel comfortable with.
After talking to his sponsor, etc, he came back here last weekend with a great attitude about the whole thing.
Then- my 10 yr old was over visiting my ex's mom the other night and she told him that he'd be going up to see his dad, my 10 yr old told her no- mom doesn't feel comfortable with us staying with a complete stranger Dad just met. She flew off the wall- started telling him how I was so wrong- that I have no right doing that- that the guy has 2 kids.
I am wondering if I should just drop it- not bother saying anything, but then I get thinking. My 8 yr old daughter was sexually abused by a stranger 3 yrs ago, and I have been teaching her that we make boundaries for what is right for US, not what is right for someone else. She goes over to her Grandma's at least 1 time a week for a visit, and I know Grandma will bring this up to her and tell her that she shouldn't be uncomfortable.
Need some advice- should I even bother saying anything to the Grandma?
AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! (yeah, I am a little frustrated, LOL!)

journeygal

Hi SFG,

Yes. Say something to grandma. Let her know that you and the kids are not comfortable with her son's living arrangements. There's no need to make excuses for her behavior, and your children don't need to be caught in the middle. I'm surprised she's making such a fuss, epecially after what your daughter went through.

Hang in there,
JG

myles1

Grandma better brush up on her Alanon.........

You have every right to do what you are doing, I'd feel the same way if it was me.

To trust your ex with your kids..........trust has to be earned.

You are 5 hours away, it's not right to send your kids to stay with god knows who out of a treatment center.

Ngaire

Magichappens

No one else can speak for your children. I think it was great that you talked to them about how they felt about the situation. Your children can't make those decisions by themselves. You are responsible for them. Whatever anyone has to say about it, they are not ultimately responsible for those children. It doesn't sound like you are trying to keep them from their father, just protecting them from an unsettled situation. As long as you are following your heart, you are not doing the wrong thing. There will always be critics. Don't take it personally. If they weren't criticizing you, they would be criticizing someone else. Hugs, Magic

JT

No matter how long she has been in Al Anon it sounds like she is heavily invested in her own son's sobriety...even at the expense of her grandchildren. I wouldn't bite if I was you...like her, you have to be concerned for your own children's best interest.

Hugs,
JT

sunflowergal29

Thanks, everyone. I haven't had a chance to talk to her yet- tried but she won't answer the phone/isn't home (could be working/avoiding, but whatever). I am going to tell her to realize that no- I am not trying to keep the kids away from their father, and that the kids and I are entitled to feel uncomfortable about the situation. I am also going to tell her that I'd appreciate it if she could just respect my kids' boundaries they are setting, especially my daughter's (the one that was sexually abused).
You're right though, JT- there is no reason why I need to react like she is. She can be sick alone in this conflict. I can also see how she is investing soooo much into her son's recovery (even though this is about his 10th time around- no word of a lie). I think its sad that she can't see past what she may think is what her son needs in order to stay clean. But- there for the grace of God... I can only hope that when and if my kids have an addiction problem (the likelihood is just a little too high), that I will be able to deal with it in a healthier way than she is. Nonetheless, she can keep putting him on the pedastal(sp?) and trying to find ways to "keep him clean", doesn't mean I'll be wasting my energy trying to fix him anymore.

Magichappens

Telling her may not do any good. She is going to believe what she wants anyway. Talking to your kids about Grandma's beliefs might help though. I'm sure they are confused when given conflicting information. Hugs, Magic