Unhealthy Toxic Relationships
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
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Unhealthy Toxic Relationships
When God wants to bless you, how does He do it? He sends people into your life. When the devil wants to destroy you, how does He do it? He sends people!
There are several types of relationships that are liabilities, not assets. If you are going to develop healthy relationships, you first must cut off the unhealthy ones you have developed. How can you tell if a relationship is toxic? Here are three major indicators:
Constant Strife and Division. First, there will be constant strife and division. Amos 3:3 asks us, "Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?" A healthy relationship is one in which there is a oneness of goals, purpose, values, and beliefs. God's Word also says, "Where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there" (James 3:16).
People Who Knew You "Back When." One of the most dangerous relationships is the one that holds you to your past. The Bible tells us that when Jesus went to his "own country," He taught, and the people were astonished, but they were also "offended" at Him because they kept saying, "Isn't this the carpenter's son? Isn't this the son of Mary and the brother of James, Joses, Simon, and Judas? He can't possibly have all this wisdom and do these mighty works. We know Him. He's just one of us." And Jesus could do no miracles there "because of their unbelief." It wasn't that Jesus had lost any power in Himself. He wasn't any less of who He was in his home country. It was because of their, unbelief that He could not manifest the fullness of Himself (see Matthew 13:53-58).
The associations of your past can drag you down and hold you back. They can keep you from fulfilling your potential.
Violators of the Heart. These are relationships that prey on your heart and rob you of control over your life. Don't give power to any person to manipulate you and control you. Nobody deserves that power but God! No person can make you lose your joy, your mind, your temper, or any other aspect unless you give that person the power. Don't do it!
The most dangerous violator of the heart is the person who tells you what you want to hear. It is the person who strokes your ego and tells you words of affection that you are desperate to hear, all in an effort to get what they want from you.
Violators take advantage of the "needs" in your life, especially the needs to be loved and accepted. They aren't concerned about your blessings or your destiny. They are concerned only about what they want. They are takers, not givers.
Never lose your identity for another person's sake.
Never compromise your character for anyone.
The Steps to Cutting Off an Unhealthy Relationship
First, you must identify and accept the reality of an out-of-balance relationship. At times, you need to take stock of the situation and admit to yourself that a relationship just isn't working. All of your efforts at helping or rehabilitating a person have failed. It is at that point that you need to give that person over to God. Notice that I didn't say that you give up on the person. To give up is to walk away and say, "I don't care what happens to you." To give a person "over to God" is to walk away as you say, "I have done all that I can do. I'm entrusting you to God from this point on."
Second, don't try to be God to another person. There's a huge difference between helping a person and carrying a person. You aren't the Holy Spirit. Don't enter into an enabling relationship in which you come to feel totally responsible for a person's success or failure.
Third, become comfortable with criticism. If you do have to end a relationship, not everybody is going to be happy with your decision. For that matter, not everybody is going to be happy with you at any point or regarding anything! There's always going to be somebody who wants you to do something other than what God is leading you to do. Nobody can please all people all the time, everywhere.
Fourth, progressively end unhealthy relationships. It takes emotional energy to end a relationship, and if you cut every unhealthy relationship out of your life at one time, you are likely to be overwhelmed by the loss. Cut unhealthy relationships out of your life one at a time until you can look around you and say, "All of my relationships are ones that are pleasing to God. All of my relationships are ones in which there is a mutual give-and-take, a mutual blessing, a mutual edification. I am on the same wavelength with those who are close to me when it comes to values, beliefs, and goals."
Fifth, don't burn bridges. When you dissolve a relationship, don't do so in anger or bitterness. There is a way to walk away from a relationship without words of hatred or criticism or the placing of blame. At the same time, walk away from an unhealthy relationship with the full intent that you will not revisit that relationship in the future. God may lead you to have a relationship with that person down the line, but you should not have the intent to come back to the relationship. Make a clean break. Make a definitive break.
Find the people who are starving for what you offer! Find people who want who you are, what you give, and what you celebrate.
Resource: Walking Away from Toxic Relationships, by Paula White: Beliefnet.com, Christian Inspiration
There are several types of relationships that are liabilities, not assets. If you are going to develop healthy relationships, you first must cut off the unhealthy ones you have developed. How can you tell if a relationship is toxic? Here are three major indicators:
Constant Strife and Division. First, there will be constant strife and division. Amos 3:3 asks us, "Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?" A healthy relationship is one in which there is a oneness of goals, purpose, values, and beliefs. God's Word also says, "Where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there" (James 3:16).
People Who Knew You "Back When." One of the most dangerous relationships is the one that holds you to your past. The Bible tells us that when Jesus went to his "own country," He taught, and the people were astonished, but they were also "offended" at Him because they kept saying, "Isn't this the carpenter's son? Isn't this the son of Mary and the brother of James, Joses, Simon, and Judas? He can't possibly have all this wisdom and do these mighty works. We know Him. He's just one of us." And Jesus could do no miracles there "because of their unbelief." It wasn't that Jesus had lost any power in Himself. He wasn't any less of who He was in his home country. It was because of their, unbelief that He could not manifest the fullness of Himself (see Matthew 13:53-58).
The associations of your past can drag you down and hold you back. They can keep you from fulfilling your potential.
Violators of the Heart. These are relationships that prey on your heart and rob you of control over your life. Don't give power to any person to manipulate you and control you. Nobody deserves that power but God! No person can make you lose your joy, your mind, your temper, or any other aspect unless you give that person the power. Don't do it!
The most dangerous violator of the heart is the person who tells you what you want to hear. It is the person who strokes your ego and tells you words of affection that you are desperate to hear, all in an effort to get what they want from you.
Violators take advantage of the "needs" in your life, especially the needs to be loved and accepted. They aren't concerned about your blessings or your destiny. They are concerned only about what they want. They are takers, not givers.
Never lose your identity for another person's sake.
Never compromise your character for anyone.
The Steps to Cutting Off an Unhealthy Relationship
First, you must identify and accept the reality of an out-of-balance relationship. At times, you need to take stock of the situation and admit to yourself that a relationship just isn't working. All of your efforts at helping or rehabilitating a person have failed. It is at that point that you need to give that person over to God. Notice that I didn't say that you give up on the person. To give up is to walk away and say, "I don't care what happens to you." To give a person "over to God" is to walk away as you say, "I have done all that I can do. I'm entrusting you to God from this point on."
Second, don't try to be God to another person. There's a huge difference between helping a person and carrying a person. You aren't the Holy Spirit. Don't enter into an enabling relationship in which you come to feel totally responsible for a person's success or failure.
Third, become comfortable with criticism. If you do have to end a relationship, not everybody is going to be happy with your decision. For that matter, not everybody is going to be happy with you at any point or regarding anything! There's always going to be somebody who wants you to do something other than what God is leading you to do. Nobody can please all people all the time, everywhere.
Fourth, progressively end unhealthy relationships. It takes emotional energy to end a relationship, and if you cut every unhealthy relationship out of your life at one time, you are likely to be overwhelmed by the loss. Cut unhealthy relationships out of your life one at a time until you can look around you and say, "All of my relationships are ones that are pleasing to God. All of my relationships are ones in which there is a mutual give-and-take, a mutual blessing, a mutual edification. I am on the same wavelength with those who are close to me when it comes to values, beliefs, and goals."
Fifth, don't burn bridges. When you dissolve a relationship, don't do so in anger or bitterness. There is a way to walk away from a relationship without words of hatred or criticism or the placing of blame. At the same time, walk away from an unhealthy relationship with the full intent that you will not revisit that relationship in the future. God may lead you to have a relationship with that person down the line, but you should not have the intent to come back to the relationship. Make a clean break. Make a definitive break.
Find the people who are starving for what you offer! Find people who want who you are, what you give, and what you celebrate.
Resource: Walking Away from Toxic Relationships, by Paula White: Beliefnet.com, Christian Inspiration
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This is a beautiful piece. Thank you. Keeping it nearby for the next time I have to re-assess a damaging association. I would love to be able to think clearly automatically in complicated situations, but my mind seems to fold when I have to process things on the spot. I will use this piece to remind me of the basics.
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