Should Have Known Better
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Should Have Known Better
but I took his Thanksgiving call anyway. AH left me a message saying just "Happy Thanksgiving". I should have left it there, but I called him back to wish him the same. Before I knew it, he was probing to see who was with me and where I was for Thanksgiving.
Truth of it is my grown daughter and I are having a girl's weekend together and have both been very excited about it.
However, my son and family were supposed to be with us this year, but my DIL's grandfather was in the hospital, so they took their new twins to Florida to spent time with him and the whole rest of their family. I was okay with that - the grandparents are lovely people in their later 80's, and I think it was important for them all to be together - may not be too many visits like this left.
But my AH kept probing, pushing aside my attempts not to answer who I was with today. So I asked him where he was today, and he said "Not with anyone YOU'D know..." Kind of implying he's moved on.
I didn't get it till well after I hung up. This was a contest in his mind, and he probed until he revealed that he'd "done better" finding a place to go for Thanksgiving than I did. I felt very diminished. Thanksgiving has been hard for me in the past, major depression, and it kicked it off feeling abandoned by family.
You know the first thing I did after I hung up? Tears started to roll down my cheeks, and I went into the bathroom, not wanting to cry in front of my daughter. I just got a new haircut, lost 25 pounds, and have been feeling very pretty. I looked into the mirror, saw my sad face and the tears, and said to myself "Maybe I'm just not as pretty as I was thinking I was..."
Should have known better. He never gets in contact to do anything good for me. Now I have to pick myself up again and work really hard to get back to the good place I was before.
Just don't even want to cook the dinner now that I was so looking forward to. Bummer, and I fell for it. AH sure knows how to ruin things for me.
I'll do what I have to, just start chopping stuff and in a while, I'll recover. Just didn't expect it. Should have.
Didn't know I was still so fragile.
ShootingStar1
Truth of it is my grown daughter and I are having a girl's weekend together and have both been very excited about it.
However, my son and family were supposed to be with us this year, but my DIL's grandfather was in the hospital, so they took their new twins to Florida to spent time with him and the whole rest of their family. I was okay with that - the grandparents are lovely people in their later 80's, and I think it was important for them all to be together - may not be too many visits like this left.
But my AH kept probing, pushing aside my attempts not to answer who I was with today. So I asked him where he was today, and he said "Not with anyone YOU'D know..." Kind of implying he's moved on.
I didn't get it till well after I hung up. This was a contest in his mind, and he probed until he revealed that he'd "done better" finding a place to go for Thanksgiving than I did. I felt very diminished. Thanksgiving has been hard for me in the past, major depression, and it kicked it off feeling abandoned by family.
You know the first thing I did after I hung up? Tears started to roll down my cheeks, and I went into the bathroom, not wanting to cry in front of my daughter. I just got a new haircut, lost 25 pounds, and have been feeling very pretty. I looked into the mirror, saw my sad face and the tears, and said to myself "Maybe I'm just not as pretty as I was thinking I was..."
Should have known better. He never gets in contact to do anything good for me. Now I have to pick myself up again and work really hard to get back to the good place I was before.
Just don't even want to cook the dinner now that I was so looking forward to. Bummer, and I fell for it. AH sure knows how to ruin things for me.
I'll do what I have to, just start chopping stuff and in a while, I'll recover. Just didn't expect it. Should have.
Didn't know I was still so fragile.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
now shining, dont let the words that come from an Ar5e ruin it for you. theres only one person that can ruin your day and you were just staring at her in the mirror. now go back in there reapply your makeup and remind yours sorry butt that you are friggin awesome and absolutely beautiful (pretty is for girls in pigtails) and go prove to yourself (not him or anyone else) that you are so much in a better place today. and be damn thankful for it!!!!!!! because you are!!! now get back in the kitchen and stuff that turkey (and this is where you can think of him...lol). have a great day and enjoy your children. no one knows how many amazing days we have left. each and everyone is a gift. treat it as one.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Well you ARE beautiful & tell yourself that.
It hurts I know but focus on you & your daughter & don't let him upset the applecart, he's acting like a child.
If you have negative thoughts come in, self talk yourself & repeat it over & over until you block it out. Eg. I am a beautiful loving women, I am having a wonderful day etc.
Hope this helps & hope you enjoy your day.
Hugs.
It hurts I know but focus on you & your daughter & don't let him upset the applecart, he's acting like a child.
If you have negative thoughts come in, self talk yourself & repeat it over & over until you block it out. Eg. I am a beautiful loving women, I am having a wonderful day etc.
Hope this helps & hope you enjoy your day.
Hugs.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
whatta JERK! don't let him have this power over you. You just listed 3 way better things than he will ever have.
time with your daughter, compassion for your daughter in law's family, a new pretty haircut and a 25# weight loss which probably looks fantastic on you. (and your general health too).
Pooh on him, he probably looks 25 years OLDER, puffy and bloated.
time with your daughter, compassion for your daughter in law's family, a new pretty haircut and a 25# weight loss which probably looks fantastic on you. (and your general health too).
Pooh on him, he probably looks 25 years OLDER, puffy and bloated.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
You deserve so much better!! You have so much better because you are not with him!! Kiss your sweet little dog and hug your daughter tightly, remember the day she was born and how happy you were she was finally here and healthy.
Awesome days are ahead of you. Have faith.
Awesome days are ahead of you. Have faith.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Some good advice given to me.......
The best revenge is being better without them than you were with them..
So true.
He simply knows how to press your buttons. One day you won't even be bothered to even ask, much less care where he is.
Congrats on the weight loss that's fantastic!!!!! I know you look great!
The best revenge is being better without them than you were with them..
So true.
He simply knows how to press your buttons. One day you won't even be bothered to even ask, much less care where he is.
Congrats on the weight loss that's fantastic!!!!! I know you look great!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
my Xhusband once made a terrible comment about my arms....(they look like Mike Tyson)....
well I lost weight, stopped drinking, have wonderful toned arms from doing push-ups.. he drank himself to death...at age 54.
well I lost weight, stopped drinking, have wonderful toned arms from doing push-ups.. he drank himself to death...at age 54.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
You know what, there's no way you were as well as you are today a year ago. You have SR, support, knowledge, a big Al-Anon toolbox, and so much rebound!
You would have lost weeks in depression and more just months ago. Today, you know which tools to grab and how to use them to fix an ever less frequent problem. He's reaching at straws by quacking at you on Thanksgiving ... and that only comes once a year!
It's a milestone of progress on your part. Savor that!
You would have lost weeks in depression and more just months ago. Today, you know which tools to grab and how to use them to fix an ever less frequent problem. He's reaching at straws by quacking at you on Thanksgiving ... and that only comes once a year!
It's a milestone of progress on your part. Savor that!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, you are awesome.
Don't give his harsh words and nasty demeanor a further moments thought.
Your weekend plans sound like they are going to be a blast! A girls weekend is just what you need!
And before I forget, might I say you are looking FABULOUS today!!!
Don't give his harsh words and nasty demeanor a further moments thought.
Your weekend plans sound like they are going to be a blast! A girls weekend is just what you need!
And before I forget, might I say you are looking FABULOUS today!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I am kind of stunned and humbled that you all are giving me all this support. Thank you ever so much - - I needed it, and here you all are - - Wow, that is something so special to me.
I did pull myself together and started chopping, and the two Cornish hens and stuffing came out great, and I treated us to sparkling cider (no alcohol in my house these days!). And my daughter and I had a wonderful time curled up on the couch, each with a cozy blanket, watching Julie and Julia, the Meryl Streep movie about Julia Child, eating our "brownie" pie.
It was great, you all are great, you got me there. Couldn't have done any of this without you, I don't think I've ever had this kind of support before,
ShootingStar1
I did pull myself together and started chopping, and the two Cornish hens and stuffing came out great, and I treated us to sparkling cider (no alcohol in my house these days!). And my daughter and I had a wonderful time curled up on the couch, each with a cozy blanket, watching Julie and Julia, the Meryl Streep movie about Julia Child, eating our "brownie" pie.
It was great, you all are great, you got me there. Couldn't have done any of this without you, I don't think I've ever had this kind of support before,
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Shootingstar, I'm glad you recovered from feeling awful after that phone call!
I often read too much into things, I think you did too. Losing extra weight and getting a new haircut are terrific! Don't diminish taking care of yourself.
As for him...realize when he said "spending it with nobody you'd know"...could have meant he was spending it alone.
I know one thing for sure, whether he had an invite or not...people who are afraid of real intimacy don't suddenly learn how to have meaningful relationships overnight. So it really doesn't matter who he spent it with.
What does matter is that you connected on a real and meaningful level with your daughter. That's real life. That's meaningful life. That's well and healthy life.
I often read too much into things, I think you did too. Losing extra weight and getting a new haircut are terrific! Don't diminish taking care of yourself.
As for him...realize when he said "spending it with nobody you'd know"...could have meant he was spending it alone.
I know one thing for sure, whether he had an invite or not...people who are afraid of real intimacy don't suddenly learn how to have meaningful relationships overnight. So it really doesn't matter who he spent it with.
What does matter is that you connected on a real and meaningful level with your daughter. That's real life. That's meaningful life. That's well and healthy life.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Recovery is never easy, it's two steps forward and two back. But you're aware that this happened because you called him, which shows you're on the right path. I certainly had to go through painful experiences to overcome my denial that things will change, that there's something I can do or say that will change someone into the person I want them to be. A leopard doesn't change his/her spots.
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