pkrma

I have struggled with alcohol abuse for about 15 years, since I was in high school. Yesterday was the worst day of my life so far and it was because of alcohol. I went out for a drink or two after work two days ago, and I woke up yesterday morning in a jail cell. I had never in my life had any trouble with the law before, and although I wasn't arrested, I feel incredibly guilty. I missed work yesterday, the first time in my adult life that i missed work because of alcohol.

I cannot put into words the shame I felt at having to do that.

Everyone i've talked to in the last two days says the same thing, "don't worry" "don't feel guilty" "we've all been there." The problem is, I've heard this before. I have never been able to control my alcohol consumption, but somehow I go for long enough stretches without blacking out, that the people around me seem to forget how bad of an abuser i am. But I know in my mind, I am so afraid to go to bars or parties, because once I start I literally can't stop. It is like getting caught in an undertow, and I have absolutely no control over my self.

I know I can be a good person. I have a wife and plenty of friends and family, but I am tired of putting them and myself through this. I don't behave violently when I am drunk, but act like a fool and feel incredibly ashamed. I just don't want to ever be there again. I have a good sense of humor about myself when I talk to other people about this experience and other ones like it, but inside it so painful to be a fool and to be laughed at. I just don't want to live like this.

I have been honest with myself, knowing I have a drinking problem for many years, but thinking I can live with it. I have never sought support and never told anyone that I feel like an alcoholic.

I just want contact with someone like me, someone who knows exactly whats going on inside my mind. Its not just a bad night, these experiences have haunted me for many years and I believe that its only getting worse. Even though my blackouts have become less frequent in recent years, everytime it happens it seems to get worse. I am sure, I know now that I don't want to sink any lower than I am. I need to quit. But I know how hard is. I need support and this message board post is the first time I have ever reached out for help with my alcohol abuse. Please, someone, if you have had similar experiences, tell me about it.

Xune

Do you want to stop drinking alcohol?

Sapling

I didn't end up in jail....But alcohol cost me everything I had. Take a look at this book. Start with The Doctor's Opinion. See if anything rings a bell.

The text of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Glad to have you aboard the Site!

pkrma

Yes, no question.

Xune

Stop drinking alcohol.

Make an appointment to see your Doctor.

Attend an AA meeting today.

I'm sober over four months.

Sobriety is attainable, you can do it and you don't have to do it alone!

Sasha4

I now how you feel. I understand.

I seemed to have no control over blackouts and hated that sensation of waking up the next morning not remembering a thing and being the butt of peoples jokes.

I have done a combination of AA and here.

I suppose one very powerful thing for me is that if you don't have that first drink, you cannot get drunk. Simple as.

I use that a lot.

I have 283 days today and I am now proud of myself.
It took work.
I drank avery night.
I had to change my habits, get off the sofa, smash my favourite glass. I had a lot of early nights, did a lot of cleaning, tidying out things, exercise, and drank a lot of hot chocolate.

But it is so worth it.
To have that peace and quiet in your head that no-one is laughing at you, no-one has anything to talk about you with, you have not let yourself down and you have not let your family down.

I would never ever trade what I have now for the anxiety, sadness and depression that drink brought me.

I really do wish you all the best and hope that you come here, read a lot and post too xx

pkrma

Thank you all so much for replying. I know AA might be a good place to start. My grandfather was active in AA for forty plus years, he passed away two years ago and I wish I could have talked to him about my problems but I never did. I am a firm atheist, although i respect others beliefs, I know religion is not right for me, so I am a little hesitant to get involved in AA.

Thanks again I will be sure visit thus forum and share experiences regularly, I know it helps.

Sapling

I'm not religious either....But I was beaten bad enough to come to believe I don't run this universe....That's all I needed. I'm sorry you didn't get to speak to your grandfather about it too...Maybe his forty years in AA says enough. At least you know the option is there if all else fails.

Delilah1

Posting on here is a great first step. I think reaching out for help was the hardest and best thing I have done. I have 42 days today after utilizing every possible resource. Keep reading and posting here, you will find lots of support!!!

jennikate

I am an atheist too and am also in AA. It is not a religion nor is it religously based. It merely relies on the belief in a higher power. Don't worry about figuring it all out at once. The only requirement for membership is the desire to stop drinking. If you fit that description, you're in. The rest will follow. Focus on today and let tomorrow figure itself out.

recoverytime

Hi

Welcome to SR. I can empathise with your situation and have woken in a police cell because of my behavour after drinking and deserved to wake up in one many times. I have woken in hospitals, strange houses and in my own bed with injuries that I have no idea where I got them.

I am a drug addict and an alcoholic and it took me 19 years to accept that. I tried many different ways to stop poisoning myself until I totally surrended. Eventually i had to ask for help and I found the fellowships of AA anf CA and at 47 days sober my life is already amazing in every way.

I had reservations around god, but I was desperate and I wasn't going to let that stop me getting clean. I went to stop using drugs, came out an alcoholic and am now gaining so much more.

I don't have to play god anymore and now accept that something more powerful than me is running the show and that is enough. Don't let your ideas about religion stop you from having the life you deserve. Just get yourself to your first meeting and worry about the rest after that.

One day at a time my life is getting better. Be kind to yourself as you have been through enough.

Pm me if you want to chat more.

Dee74

Hi pkrma

sorry you had to go through all that - but I'm glad you found us.
There's a ton of support here.

There's many different approaches and methods of recovery around these days - here's some links to some of the main players, including but not only AA:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I recommend you visit our Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach

D

least

Welcome to the family!

I got sober three years ago with the help of my addiction counselor and the fine people here on SR. There are lots of ways to stay sober, many of us are doing it without any sort of 'program' at all.

Hevyn

Welcome to a wonderful place, with people who all understand what you're going through. You're not alone anymore, pkrma.

I tried for many years to control my drinking. Every time I picked up it led to danger and an unpredictable outcome. I had to give it up in order to live.

Keep posting and let us know how you're doing.

MythOfSisyphus

The only time drinking landed me in jail, ironically I'd only had 3 or 4 beers. I got a DUI when I rolled through a stoplight & got stopped. I was just barely over the limit. Still, that feeling of waking up in the drunk tank and going before the judge is about as humiliating an experience as I can remember.

Most of us here know exactly what you're going through. The shame at the loss of control, the guilt of knowing that booze is causing you to fail your family. The feeling of helplessness, knowing there's nothing you can do to change the rut you're in. I knew for years that eventually I'd have to quit or die but it was never enough to make me stop. Ultimately it wasn't some earth shattering event like an arrest that made me decide to stop. Somehow I finally just got tired of it. It was nothing more than that. Just got sick and tired of being sick and tired.

For me the hardest part was admitting that I had to completely quit. Not cut down, that had never worked in the past and I knew it wouldn't work any better in the future. It was like that feeling the first time you ever rappel where you go backward off the rock face with nothing under your feel. I was scared to death of facing my life without alcohol. What would it be like? Did I have anything else worth living for? What would I do with myself? And would I yearn for it the rest of my life?

Well, it's only been 2 months so I'm not an expert but I've been surprised to find all those fears to be unfounded. It's amazing to know that I can tell someone I'll do something and be sure I can actually follow through. It's incredible to wake up in the morning feeling good and knowing where I am and how I got there! And I learned that for everything you think you're "losing" you find a lot more.

I'll be honest; it would be great to go buy a box of wine and drink til it's gone! But that isn't going to happen. Because it would never be just one box just one time. If I pick up a glass again I may not be able to put it down again. I found the strength once but I may not be able to do it again.

I'm making a trade. I'm dropping something that was slowly killing me in exchange for my life. A pretty good deal!

We know what you're going through. There's no need to do it all alone! SR has been instrumental in getting sober.

You can do it! And once you do you will find a new life that's a lot better than the one you have now.

pkrma

Thanks again and I have to say it is so good to hear from other people who have gone through this and are doing OK.

I just got back from a Thanksgiving dinner with family and everyone except me was drinking. I wasn't even tempted to drink, given how fresh the nightmare is in my mind, but I know it will only get more difficult for me. I just hope I don't forget this, where i've been and how I feel, because I know that if I start drinking again it's only a matter of time until i'm back there again.

I really like my life and I get a lot of joy out it. I have good relationships, good health and I feel like I will have so many great experiences going forward if I am able to quit drinking.

This is why I think having a drinking problem is so dangerous, I think that there are little stresses that are a normal part of life that make you want to have a drink, just to take the edge off. But it is so quick to spiral out of control, and its easy to make excuses for why it spiraled out of control. The truth is that no matter where I am at in my life, I'll never be able to control my drinking. There is no excuse, it's just the way it is. It's tough to admit such a glaring weakness, but its true and I accept that fact.

Thank you all again and I will remain an active member of this forum and try to help and support others as well as I continue to recover.

nogard

Congrats on being sober, your decision to quit and so very glad you found us. I have lost count of how many times I woke up in a police cell or a hospital bed and I never want to be there again so I follow a daily program. Hope you find what you need to stay sober and heal.

Kevin

wpainterw

Yes! Pkrma! I'm here and I want to do anything in my power to help you. I am here for you. Your message makes me believe that you are a fine person and that you should not be feeling shame the way you do. You have an illness. You can recover from that. And I'm sure everyone on this site will join me in saying that we will help in any way we can. So let's begin....

Always the best. Your friend

W.

kittycat00

I feel exactly the same. And my friends usually talk me back into drinking in the same way, 'don't worry, it was just that one time', 'everyone does stupid stuff sometimes', 'just be a bit more careful'. They just don't seem to get that I *can't* moderate my drinking, and these things will continue to happen. And because there are gaps between my binging they forget that I have a list of regrets and stupid stuff that's as long as my arm - things that they've never actually done themselves, so they don't understand the shame and guilt that comes the next day. So I hear you! I think for people like us the best thing we can do is just give it up altogether. Good luck x

007

I just wanted to say hi in this thread, because it's so similar to my own situation.


I was just wondering, how have people reacted when you have flat out told them that you have a drinking problem, when they try to get you to drink again?

I mean, when a buddy offers you a drink or starts ribbing you to drink, what sort of things do you say in order to get away with drinking an orange juice?

Also, do you guys stay away from pubs altogether now? I always have felt a bit weird about ordering anything other than beer in a pub, so i'll be staying away for a while.

I wish you all the best.

I am fairly new to this 'teetoal for life' bit, although I have been trying and largely succeeding to cut down for a long time, but those drunken episodes...oh christ, do they get you after a while...